stargazer59 Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 I'm new, glad I found this forum... Could use some insight that can not be told to even my closest friends. I'll try to be as short as possible. Here goes..... Married 28 yrs, 1 daughter grown out of house. Very abusive marriage (verbally) just recently found out about the economic abuse. I always felt trapped but could not understand what it was until last week. But that I do plan to deal with in time. In 2000 H was diagnosed with prostate cancer, 2001 had the prostatectomy week before 911. Did not have counseling along with that we tried everything medicine wise around Feb. 2002 was the last time we had intimacy with all the yelling accusing, etc. mental on his behalf, not sleeping in same room since around 2000. I started Internet msg. Had discovered that many men were in my situation with no sex but married, had met for lunches , coffees, etc. But in Sept. 02 I met someone; he was very persistent, not like other men on net I had met. I met him in person and the chemistry was unbelievable, both married same age but he had younger children we would meet only for sex about once'd a month, he started slacking in the meeting only would msg. when he wanted it, found out he had another profile , etc. so now I'm thinking player. Now this is really going to sound bad...... but in Aug. 03 had got on a site and this man was really persistent, travels extensively all over the world, had not seen #1 in months so thought something happened to him, plus I was going to call it off. Finally met #2 we have more of a email romantic relationship as well as when he is in town we meet and have sex but it is setup like a date, #1 would just pop in to my shop and I would melt I could never tell him no, but anyways I have been seeing both all up until #1 commutes to a city 4 hrs away but on weekends he is here, lives very close haven't seen him since 6/06 so he's nonexistent now. But the other #2 we love each other but won't admit it, I think b/c it would mean we both would end up divorcing he still has a young child in junior high level and I would never put him in a negative situation with his son. But here's the deal, I mentioned earlier economic abuse, well here's how I found out, I felt guilty and possibly ending the affair but in the last week I have found out there has been large bank accts. I never knew about and receipts to a gentlemen's club every month all back since before he had the surgery! He is a blue collar worker , so no entertaining. Has always said going out with the guys at work, never suspected b/c I have gone 1 or 2 times and experienced the guys at work. Sometimes 2-3 times a month to same club, so I followed or found it and stayed about an hour but he is not getting home until around 4am, so I am wondering if he has a women from the club that he is giving money to while I am being deprived of family funding. I know I need to get an attorney, but I feel guilty about the affair and sorry for him (H) and then again I do not because of the long termed abuse. I do not know if I should discuss this with my lover or not, he is totally unaware of the whole situation, I never wanted him to know about the verbal abuse let alone of what I now have found out. I just do not want him to feel or make him feel like he needs to deal with my baggage as well as I never imagined this affair would even go on this long (3yrs+). Now I am leaving up to you all to let me see some insight and opinions of what I could do , shouldn't do, etc. Thanks in advance!
scubafish Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 well, from my little chair here, I see 2 separate situations, do not mix them, or or use one as an excuse for the other. your marriage is not a loving partnership as described. forget the other guys, even if they were not there, do you really want to stay in this relationship? if yes, then you need to sit down with heart to heart with him, and seek counseling is needed, wanted. although, sexless marriage is very tough, there are a few threads on the forum here about that, you may want to read. then, once you are out of that situation, you can decide if you want to be the OW to the guy you are sleeping with. maybe that is enough for you right now? although I do not condone that at all. you really need to look at who else you are hurting with that situation, it is not just about you 2. maybe you will be free to seek a real relationship with someone who has complete time to be with you as well, when you get out of your hurtful marriage. You need to be true to yourself, and get a real, fulfilling relationship, you owe that to yourself. neither of these situations sound healthy. who knows, maybe when you are truly free, your #2 guy will see how strong you are , and free himself as well.
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