Aggravated!!

[kymberann]

So I met this guy before christmas. We hung out, became physical. Got to know each other slowly. As we bacame physical, the intimacy seemed to have grown too. A few weeks ago though, I called him on a Friday night. He said he was going to bed. I said "at 7:30PM?" Well that was the last I heard from him until this last Thursday. I saw him at the gym. He just came right over to me, talked my ear off. His mother passed away and I knew this as we began to know each other. He told me that the night I called she had passed away. I asked him why he didn't tell me. He's too shy and.... actually I really don't know!

So we spent the evening and night together. He followed me around and asked to call me later on. I said sure. He came over we spentthe evening cuddling. He is good at that!

 

Any way that was Thursday. I was expecting a call at least on Friday. Nothing. I called today to remind him I have some of his movies that need to go back. No call. I accidentally saw him at the gym today. I had to go in and pick up my W-2 and he was there. I had no idea! He saw me, I saw him out of the corner of my eye and I saw him watching me, but he was far enough away that I really couldn't tell if it was him. But we have a mutual friend and she told me it was him. My friend and I talked, she invited me to her birth day party, which is at his house! I told her I won't go if he is uncomfortable with me being a guest, since it is his house. She said I was silly because he knows she and I are friends. My friend says he is just so shy, has no GF and does not have many close friends.

So I don't get it. He calls when he wants, asks to come over when he wants. WHne i am in his actual presence he follows me and acts interested. But when i initiate, no call and he goes to bed? Still; no return call and I doubt there will be. What do I do. Should I act pleasant, spell it out for him? I am beginning to feel used. Is he just not interested in me? What is really going on?

Thanks for any feedback.

[Island Girl]

I wouldn't call him.

 

I'd go to the party an treat him like he was anyone else on the planet.

 

I wouldn't initiate anything - if he called I would be a little more hard to get - as in he would have to make extended plans to see me NOT come to my house when he wants or see me whenever he wants.

 

He sounds like he may be into the chase. If not, and he is just seeking you out when he needs some attention - well, then you haven't lost anything at all. His loss. And you gain self-respect (and maybe some respect from him too).

 

Certainly he'll learn he can't treat you that way and if he is just out for himself he can move on to someone else.

 

In the meantime, you could find someone who will value spending time with you, etc.

[kymberann]

Thanks Island! So play a little hard to get? Just not be so available? Should I change gyms for awhile? When he was out of town for a week, he came to the gym I was working at, not his normal one and he was looking for me. When I spotted him, I acted "as if" and just said "I need to go teach" and walked away. He was clearly noting my behavior, my class, people I talked with as on Thursday when I saw him and actually talked with him he talked to me about my class I teach, how big it was, how people left because there wan't enough room etc. He sounded suprised. I don't know why though.

Should I tell him something on the lines of "hey I am feeling used here" when i get the next chance?

Thanks again!

[genesis]

Should I tell him something on the lines of "hey I am feeling used here" when i get the next chance?

 

I'd wait a little bit before approaching him with that. I agree with Island Girl's advice...hang back and give him some space. Give it some time and see if he pursues you some more. If he does pursue you, and you start to see those weird game-playing signs again, then I'd confront him and find out what the deal is. Good luck!

[Island Girl]

Should I tell him something on the lines of "hey I am feeling used here" when i get the next chance?

 

Don't tell him this. Don't ask him - It speaks to your actions of not being so available.

 

Not being so available should be by all accounts and purposes because you AREN'T. Not because you are pretending to be.

 

Don't change gyms. Just make sure you can't really talk and you have somewhere else to be constantly.

 

Treat him as you would anyone else. Casually. Like he doesn't really matter he is one of the masses.

 

Because he IS at this point -- he hasn't really done anything at all to make him special. Guys that will treat you as less than are a dime a dozen.

 

The thing that distinguishes them as GREAT is the way they treat us, isn't it? And we deserve it, don't we?

 

I always have operated with the idea that I am one in a million and if he doesn't get it - he isn't worth the time to explain it - on to the next!

Feeling this way, being this way -- has ALWAYS worked. Always.

 

And as far as "game playing" -- it is. People who say it is not are in total denial. There are many moves that women or men make that appear unattractive to the opposite sex. It works both ways.

 

Too available - too needy -- appears desperate and is not attractive to anyone.

 

You're obviously in great shape and attractive. Why waste that on anyone who isn't putting in the effort for your time and attention?

 

So he either works for it or he doesn't get it. There are PLENTY of guys out there and it has been my experience that if you have this attitude you can have your pick -- truthfully.

[kymberann]

Thanks you two! I really needed to be reminded of this!

I just got out of an R about three months ago (check out OW forum). So I don't know if some of my insecurities are still stemming from that. I am battling whether I am afraid of losing someone again and what am I doing wrong that he isn't getting it! He's been the "first" since.

 

Thing is, I have passed other people since last R and this guy, hoping to start things up with this guy. He's HOT! PLus, he is smart and interested in a lot of similar things. These others who have shown interest are yucky! Not my type so no big deal on that. And I really don't believe in "seeing" more than one person at a time.

 

So, I will just keep my distance, try not to let myself get caught up in the whole guessing part. and remember. he is still one ofthe masses until he shows differently.

THanks again!