Feeling lost

[V._Confuzzled]

Im sorry in advance for what may seem like a life story.

 

I was with my ex g/f (just name her J) for 2.5 years until 3 weeks ago. I was happy in the relationship. I get on GREAT with her family and friends. We'd just come back from holiday in November and i was feeling great.

 

A girl at work (ill call her L) and i have been chatting a lot for the past 4 months about how her b/f was a complete d**k and treated her quite badly. She's been there for about 11 months and at first it was purely platonic, no sexual feelings whatsoever. The stuff she told me about her b/f made me feel angry, why would anyone say that to the person they claim to love? (told her she was useless, threatened to hurt her etc).

 

Anyway, one day in December, L turned to me and asked if i still LOVED my g/f. Usually it would of been an instant reaction. However, i didnt answer, i stood there for a bit . I thought to myself, do i really love J anymore?

 

I thought about it for the next couple of weeks up to xmas, am i happy? Ive just turned 20 and J's 23, im young, she wants to get a flat/house. This is my first real relationship (my first sexual partner ) I havnt experienced life yet. I'll be blunt, J doesnt want to go out clubbing, doesnt want to try and have fun in the bedroom (sexy lingerie etc). I guess i was feeling bored to an extent. I'd lost contact with my friends over the past 2.5 years, they'd all gone to uni (as i have, but i stayed close to be with J). I havnt really gone out and lived.

 

I was saying all of this to L, she listened. I wouldnt dare tell J i'd been talking to L, she would literally grill me about it.

 

Anyway, 3 weeks ago i told J i needed a break. I needed to get my head straight, wanted to figure out what i wanted from life. She agreed (with persuasion ). A day after, i dont know how or why, L and i kissed.

 

I didnt feel guilty (but i felt as though i should?!). J and i havnt spoken for the past 3 weeks but ive been spending loads of time with L. I've been looking through photos 2nite, at the holiday i recently took with J.

 

Im feeling confused now, have i made a huge mistake, thrown away 2.5 years of my life? or should i move on with L (she doesnt mind me clubbing, going out with friends, and she wants to try out new stuff in the bedroom (so she says)). I dont know, i just needed to type on here, get it off my chest, get some advice.

 

Again, sorry for the long post. Reagards, fuzzled.

 

P.S. posted before but no responses http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110666/

[Island Girl]

Hey Fuzzled -

 

You are dazzled right now at the excitement of what is new.

EVERYTHING is good, wonderful, and happy in the beginning when you meet someone new.

It is only after the facade comes down and the reality of an ongoing relationship tells the tale of a long standing connection or a momentary flash in the pan.

 

It is dangerous to get so close L - on the heels of taking a break from your lengthy relationship. Usually this is a rebound type of relationship anyway and those usually don't last. -- Sometimes. But VERY rarely.

 

If you want clarity you need to do it alone.

 

The all new excitement can easily cloud your head. It is not a smart thing to do unless you are absolutely sure you are done with J.

 

You are in danger of becoming part of the "Grass Is Greener" statistics.

 

This group is made up of the people who discarded what was really important in a vulnerable moment and sadly chase after what they destroyed later.

 

You should talk to J about what you are needing. You obviously have compatibility and a lot more to last 2.5 years.

You quite possibly can get the same passion, understanding, and excitement with her. And I think you should give her a chance to make changes - but you would have to give it a real shot too. I mean really commit to it or it won't work.

[loveratud]

You've made a huge mistake. You gave up something real for something new and mysterious and vague. You hurt someone you care about over a dream. Because you can't be honest with yourself.

 

Get it together.

[V._Confuzzled]

I dont think i gave up the 2.5 year relationship for this new girl specifically. Maybe your right about doing the alone thing, like i said, i need time to think.

 

I dont know if i would go back to my ex though. I dont want to settle down just yet. I feel as though i met the perfect person too early in my life (but then, is she 'the one' if im saying that?).

 

I feel like ive missed out on quite a lot but then it's my fault too. Like you said, i didnt give J a chance to change...but then im sceptical as to whether she would.

 

Fuzzled.

[loveratud]

You're getting this "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. I don't even know how to respond to that. You're certainly entitled to your feelings. I'd just think about how much you're hurting someone you supposedly love.

[Road Rage]

V._Confuzzled

 

Holy Quacamole! You`ve been boning some chick for the past 2.5 years and you feel like you`ve been missing out on life?

 

It really don`t make much difference really. This girl ,that girl. Whatever. Your life seem to be right on tract.

 

Situation confused:rolleyes: The grass is always greener:sick:

 

Really, it is all created by putting the cart before the horse. You need to back off from it all and just take a chill pill;)

[Guest]

Quote I was with my ex g/f (just name her J) for 2.5 years until 3 weeks ago. I was happy in the relationship. I get on GREAT with her family and friends. We'd just come back from holiday in November and i was feeling great.

 

 

I dont and cant understand how you can say this.If you were as happy as you say then nothing or no1 should change your way of thinking.I was with my ex for 4 1/2 years and as i thought very happy/compatible etc.

 

When he had to go away to work for a year,placement with uni,within 5 weeks of him going he ended it with me and i suspect there is some1 else in the picture.

 

You have been with your girlfriend 2 1/2 years and in your own words really happy and yet you can end things because of some1 you hardly know.This other girl might seem fantastic but dont forget shes hardly going to show you any faults she has right away.

 

You are young and as you said its your 1st real r/ship so you might be wondering if the grass is greener but please think before you end it for some1 else.If you feel you arent truly happy then tell your girlfriend that you need to have time on your own.

 

She will be hurt but in time she will get over it and hopefully meet some1 who truly loves her.Please think long and hard before you end it because sometimes the grass isnt always greener.Just think how you will feel if your g/friend meets some1 else and doesnt want to know you its alot to throw away.

 

Whatever decision you make,i wish you luck but do it for the right reasons.

[V._Confuzzled]

I'd just think about how much you're hurting someone you supposedly love.

 

Believe you me, ive thought about it long and hard. It was no easy task telling her that i didnt know how i felt anymore and that i needed a break . I still love her, she was part of my life and has taught me so many lessons, but i dont think im 'in love' anymore. Just feel like the spark has gone almost.

 

The feelings i have for L arent mysterious and vague but on the other hand, i dont know if they'll last or be anywhere near as strong as they were for J. Tonight ive been thinking about the great times me and J had and i cant shake those thoughts (and i dont really want to, but isnt that normal?).

 

Would it be wrong of me to want to speak to J and tell her what im feeling ? I dont think i want to get back together but i dont want to lose contact with her forever (do i have to let go permanently?).

 

Lol, sleeping with a girl for 2.5 years is to some extent great. But, i dont want to have only slept with one girl through my life...if i did, id feel as though id missed out, or that i never tried anything different.

 

I dont know what im looking for by posting on here, maybe a magical clock that can reverse time and let me dictate life . It's nice to be able to type about it though.

 

Regards, Fuzzled.

[V._Confuzzled]

You've made a huge mistake. You gave up something real for something new and mysterious and vague. You hurt someone you care about over a dream. Because you can't be honest with yourself.

 

Get it together.

 

I've just been mulling this over and i dont really get what you mean. It's not really a dream that im chasing, i just dont know what i want from life atm. How can i be honest with myself if i dont know what i want?

[taylor]

You aren't as lost and confused as you think you are. Reread what you wrote.

 

You want to go clubbing. You want more action in the bedroom. You don't want to go through life having slept with only one girl...

 

You have some wild oats to sow. It's OK. You should. You are young. You need to date other girls and experience life before you can even begin to think about "settling down." If you don't, you will regret it, you will always wonder what you may have missed, you will feel cheated.

 

You say you aren't sure you want to get back together with J. That's because you know J is ready to settle down and you are not. (She wants to get a house..you want to go clubbing) It's all a matter of timing. You are both growing up and your needs and desires are changing. What she wants out of life right now is very different than what you want.

 

You said it best yourself: I think I found the perfect girl too early in my life.

 

The key here is "too early in my life." J may be perfect. And if you were older and ready to settle down, she may have been "the one" to do it with. But you are not ready to settle down with her or with anyone else. If you try, you will be miserable and you will end up hurting her terribly.

 

Do her and yourself a favor and set her free. If she is really ready to settle down, give her the freedom to find someone who is ready to do that - someone who is tired of the clubbing scene and who is tired of hooking up with different girls every weekend.

 

On the other hand, give yourself the opportunity to enjoy your early 20's before you settle down. Meet alot of girls and experience all that life has to offer. That way, when you do meet "the one" you will be ready for her. When she does come along, you won't be sitting around wondering if she is the one or wondering what it would be like to be with other girls. You will know she is the one, without a doubt, and you will have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be with another girl.

 

And about L. Have fun while it lasts. She will probably be one of many you will find yourself interested in as you explore your new-found freedom. Enjoy...and Learn...The grass isn't always greener on the other side, but sometimes we have to find that out for ourselves. Do it now, before you make any commitments to anyone. That's what dating is all about. Good Luck.

[stace79]

Yes, you have to let her go completely if you don't want to get back together. If you decide you don't really love her, or the spark is gone, or whatever, you MUST NOT try to remain friends. That is unfair, and most importantly makes you a selfish idiot. If you don't want her, let her move on toward someone who does.

 

Would it be wrong of me to want to speak to J and tell her what im feeling ? I dont think i want to get back together but i dont want to lose contact with her forever (do i have to let go permanently?).

 

 

Regards, Fuzzled.

[V._Confuzzled]

Thanks Taylor, a lot of what ou said rang true, and yeah i suppose your right; i wouldn't be saying these things if i truly wanted to be together. In reality were just different.

 

I want to explore more and she doesn't, so, it would never work. I just needed an outside opinion/explanation. I sort of feel like i want to have my cake and eat it: I want to explore life more, experience other people, but also want to find someone ill care about as much as J.

 

I dont want to let go of my memories, of what we had, but isnt that normal then? I can understand i have to let go and let her lead her own life; im fine about that. But like i said, i want to remember what we had together, is that wierd?

 

Thanks for your help guys an' gals, Fuzzled .

[taylor]

The worst thing you can do right now is string J along. Don't do it. She deserves better. She deserves to be loved by someone who can love her 100 percent. You can't right now. If you try, you will just hurt her more deeply.

 

It sounds wierd, but the most loving, mature and unselfish thing you can do is let her go so she can find someone who can offer her the "whole package."

 

No, it's not wierd to want to hold on to memories. You will never lose those memories. They will stay with you always. But you will make more memories with other girls. Right now you need to listen to your inner voice and move in the direction that is calling you. It is in your best interest.

 

You will be fine. And so will she.

[V._Confuzzled]

Part of me wants to hold onto her, doesnt want to let go! But then i know i have to, to let us both be happy. She needs someone who knows what they want, not me.

[Krytellan]

You've made a huge mistake. You gave up something real for something new and mysterious and vague. You hurt someone you care about over a dream. Because you can't be honest with yourself.

 

Get it together.

 

This is simply not true. Kudo's to the OP for stepping up and taking care of business before going forward with L. And don't be silly, you know how and why you two kissed... you don't fool me.

 

The fact you didn't have regrets shows that this needed to happen for you. Even if you never end up back with J, you needed to know what was more important to you and what matters in life. Having stayed with J, you would have always regretted not exploring and I would bet would have broken up eventually anyway. THEN how much time would have been wasted.

 

What you did is things everyone needs to do. Don't worry so much. You're young. Do what seems right, but always continue to learn from what you do. It'll all come together. You're not ready to stay with someone until you're "ready" to stay with someone.

[V._Confuzzled]

Oh God. I spoke with J tonight (for about 6 hours). I said that i wanted to move on but she bombarded me, put me on a guilt trip.

 

She said that she could never replace me and wanted to be with me. She didnt care about what had happened between L and me. She still wants to be with me and thinks its stupid if i want to give up on the past 2.5 years so easily.

 

I said i wanted to move on but she was having none of it. She kept persisting, then kissed me. I said i wanted to explore new things (yes in the bedroom, and new people). She then said she wanted to try new things, its like she was countering my every argument.

 

She's been a real headf**k. Part of me wants to go back to her, but i dont want to regret missing out on life and i really dont want to hurt L. I should never have agreed to meet :(

 

Very upset Fuzzled.

[V._Confuzzled]

Well, ive said i want to end it and dont think we should contact eachother for a while (if at all). Try an move on with L now. Enjoy my youth while i can.

[taylor]

J is thinking with her heart and not with her head right now. She needs time to grieve her loss and time to sort through what happened. It will take months. With time, her heart will heal and she will start thinking with her head and realize she deserves to be with someone who can love her 100 percent. No woman wants to be with a man who wants to be with someone else or who feels trapped in a relationship. (I know. Like J, I am going through this process myself right now).

 

The best way for you to help her recover is to make a clean break, ie., absolutely no contact. It sounds cold and cruel, but it is not. If you continue to contact her or tell her you want to remain friends, you will give her false hope and mixed signals that will confuse her and delay her healing. She will continue to hang on rather than let go and move on.

 

You are going to feel guilty. That's normal. You are human. But you can't "help" her recover from this heartache because you are the heartache. Does that make sense? Let her friends and family get her through this. Given time, she will recover and regain her strength and sense of self. Who knows? She is young, too, and she may start to enjoy her new-found freedom, too. She may see a whole new world open up to her that she never even imagined.

 

You are also going to feel some sense of loss for a while, too, because you and J were together for 2.5 years. That's normal, too. But please don't run back to her every time you feel the sting of loneliness, sadness, or guilt. Again, you will only give her false hope and mixed signals that will put her on an emotional roller coaster and prolong her recovery (that's what my ex-boyfriend did to me for 5 months after the breakup).

 

Give her and yourself time to "change directions." Going NC will help you.

 

I have to give you credit for meeting with her and giving her six hours of your time to explain why you were breaking off the relationship. Most dumpers walk away with no explanation or with a simple 2 minute phone conversation void of any explanation. I'm sure it was difficult for you to do (that's why most dumpers don't do it). It took some courage and maturity on your part to sit down and discuss your thoughts, feelings and needs. It showed you do care about her and what you had together.

 

But now you must go no contact if you truly do care about her well-being. There is nothing more you can say to her to make things "feel right" to her now. Good Luck.

[V._Confuzzled]

Well i was just about to type another message but yet again Taylor's made it seem better .

 

When i met her the other night, i told her i didnt want it to all end on a bitter note, that i had too many good memories; i didnt want her to hate me for doing what i felt was best . Now i fear she does, she text me this morning asking if i'd thought about us, i told her that we were just different people. I thought she was ok...

 

She text me again saying:

 

"To be honest. I didnt really want you back. I just wanted to hear what you had to say. Have a nice life. "

 

 

I've been reading it over and over, its really tugging at my heart strings and is making me feel so upset. I never wanted it to be like this, i didnt want her to think i was hurting her. Now she's just going to hate me. I tried, i really did. It feels worse because some of the things she said to me, they were all lies, and i believed them. I thought we could be honest with one another, thats where our relationship went wrong, we stopped talking. I never thought she would be calous like that ^^, but i suppose it's her heart feeling torn, she want to make me feel as bad as she does. I sort of do now.

 

Spose that's another chapter of my life over with, i'll just do the no contact thing now. I hope one day we can speak to eachother again, dont want to lose someone i still care very much about.

 

Fuzzled.

 

P.S. thanks for your helpful words Taylor, they've helped me quite a lot.

 

P.P.S. Would it be wrong of me to want to keep the photos of us together, like in a box in the attic? Also, she said i'd left some stuff at her house, like afterhave and clothes, do i just let her chuck them out?

[loveratud]

Just know that her hating you will help her get over you faster than her still loving you.

[Double D]

I give you some credit V. Confused. Some people arent happy with they lives and or in a realtionship but are too scared to do anything about it.

 

After a 2 and a half year relationship you were willing to put yourself out there and make a tough decision and I say good on you.

 

As for J, in the long run she be ok. It will just take her time to get over you and you to get over her. Taylor pretty much said things well.

 

I really wish you and J well. Now go and enjoy your youth!

[LakesideDream]

V.Confused, why are you agonizing? You are 20 years old, and that's very young to be pretending to make life decisions.

 

Your GF/EX is a few years older, and a bit more mature. You two are in different places. Enjoy your youth. Don't feel to bad about it while you do.

 

These things happen, and probably should until there is a marriage certificate, stability and children involved. Imagine how bored and unsatisfied you both would be in another ten years.......

[loveratud]

Your age isn't a justifiable reason to hurt someone you love.