Does the pain ever stop?

[Tortured]

I have been married for 19 years. We have four kids - the youngest special needs. I have had health issues - brain tumor, epilepsy - and we were in a cult-like church for most of our marriage. I have struggled with ED in part due to the tumor and epilepsy drugs but I did father four kids.

 

Four years ago a therapist sexually abused her. They never had intercourse but came close. She finally told me about it and then went into a severe depression. She started losing a lot of weight and became anorexic (no prior eating disorders). She became suicidal and totally unable to function. She was in the care of a psychaitrist and therapist.

 

I took care of the children, household and held down a full-time, demanding job AND nursed her back to health. For two years I was mom and dad and took care of her like I would have my own child. Out of love.

 

Then, she started to get somewhat better. She talked me into a "boob job" saying it would help with her self-image. I said okay - we borrowed against the house. The entire time I wanted her to get better and be happy again; I never cared about a boob job - I didn't marry a set of boobs but someone I loved.

 

Well, within a few months she began an affair with this guy she met online. He was the divorcing husband of a lady we used to go to the cult-church with and he posted on a forum that me and my wife posted on.

 

I caught them - she left her webmail open on my computer at home -and I went ballistic. To make a long story short - I threw her out. She begged me to take her back. And I did. And she would resort to lying, etc and sneak around with him. She had sex with this guy repeatedly, spending the money I earned on hotel bills, lingerie, sponges ("he didn't like condoms"), dinners (this cheap loser wouldn't even pay for dinner), etc.

 

I was co-dependent. I took her back more than once. We didn't have the money for either of us to move out - I told her to move in with the other guy but (get this) he lived in his sister's basement. Ha!

 

She ended up getting pregnant. She had an abortion. Guess who nursed her back to health? She also had two, maybe three other sexual affairs after this guy.

 

She blamed me for the affairs. I didn't make her "feel special" I couldn't get erections anymore. I didn't have an original thought in my head (specially, making date plans) I was like her father and who wants to have sex with their father.

 

I gave to her our entire marriage and treated her like a queen. I always let her have her way. We did do a lot of special things together. The entire thing of having sexual problems and then my wife having sex with other men has left me with this huge hole in my soul. The pain never goes away. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about it or hurt. I really don't want her back but I have to interact with her with the kids (I cannot drive due to the epilepsy). I feel like I can never have another imtimate relationship again. Ever. Its over for good. The pain and rejection is more than I can handle.

 

Does the pain ever go away? I mean, short of a .357 to the head?

 

Today...she moved out (she won a lawsuit against the original therapist). Her relationships never last long when they end she tries to get closer to me again. Thats how I know her current fling is over. It is demeaning to me - I am the backup, fall-back person. Wow~I am so fortunate! I guess I am only here to be abused and taken advantage of.

 

Again, does the pain ever go away? I guess she can always look back on the sex and passion of her affairs and relive the glorious moments. I guess I can just go straight to hell.

 

I am adopted - I am pretty damn angry with the woman who chose to give birth rather than abort me.

[Virgo1982]

You will heal, in time. You will find someone who can appreciate what a good man like you has to offer. First, you have to work on you. You should start by acknowledging all of your good qualities, talents, etc. Then, list her bad qualities. After that, you can list her good qualities. I am quite sure you will see-logically-what you are not missing and who has been missing you. All while you were wasting time with Jezebel.

 

As I said before, you sound like a great guy. There is no reason you should be beating yourself up about this, and though it is easier said than done, you have to know that it was her-not you.

 

Work on making yourself happy. Then, you'll be ready for love again-with someone who deserves a guy like you.

[Sup]

I say Divorce her, but you had better get a VERY GOOD Lawyer, and go for sole custody of the children. DON'T kill yourself! There IS better for you. Besides, this (stupid)Jezebel wouldn't care if you did hurt yourself. You can beat her on this, I hope you have everything documented that has happened.

[sassy N sassy]

I have been married for 19 years. We have four kids - the youngest special needs. I have had health issues - brain tumor, epilepsy - and we were in a cult-like church for most of our marriage. I have struggled with ED in part due to the tumor and epilepsy drugs but I did father four kids.

 

Four years ago a therapist sexually abused her. They never had intercourse but came close. She finally told me about it and then went into a severe depression. She started losing a lot of weight and became anorexic (no prior eating disorders). She became suicidal and totally unable to function. She was in the care of a psychaitrist and therapist.

 

I took care of the children, household and held down a full-time, demanding job AND nursed her back to health. For two years I was mom and dad and took care of her like I would have my own child. Out of love.

 

Then, she started to get somewhat better. She talked me into a "boob job" saying it would help with her self-image. I said okay - we borrowed against the house. The entire time I wanted her to get better and be happy again; I never cared about a boob job - I didn't marry a set of boobs but someone I loved.

 

Well, within a few months she began an affair with this guy she met online. He was the divorcing husband of a lady we used to go to the cult-church with and he posted on a forum that me and my wife posted on.

 

I caught them - she left her webmail open on my computer at home -and I went ballistic. To make a long story short - I threw her out. She begged me to take her back. And I did. And she would resort to lying, etc and sneak around with him. She had sex with this guy repeatedly, spending the money I earned on hotel bills, lingerie, sponges ("he didn't like condoms"), dinners (this cheap loser wouldn't even pay for dinner), etc.

 

I was co-dependent. I took her back more than once. We didn't have the money for either of us to move out - I told her to move in with the other guy but (get this) he lived in his sister's basement. Ha!

 

She ended up getting pregnant. She had an abortion. Guess who nursed her back to health? She also had two, maybe three other sexual affairs after this guy.

 

She blamed me for the affairs. I didn't make her "feel special" I couldn't get erections anymore. I didn't have an original thought in my head (specially, making date plans) I was like her father and who wants to have sex with their father.

 

I gave to her our entire marriage and treated her like a queen. I always let her have her way. We did do a lot of special things together. The entire thing of having sexual problems and then my wife having sex with other men has left me with this huge hole in my soul. The pain never goes away. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about it or hurt. I really don't want her back but I have to interact with her with the kids (I cannot drive due to the epilepsy). I feel like I can never have another imtimate relationship again. Ever. Its over for good. The pain and rejection is more than I can handle.

 

Does the pain ever go away? I mean, short of a .357 to the head?

 

Today...she moved out (she won a lawsuit against the original therapist). Her relationships never last long when they end she tries to get closer to me again. Thats how I know her current fling is over. It is demeaning to me - I am the backup, fall-back person. Wow~I am so fortunate! I guess I am only here to be abused and taken advantage of.

 

Again, does the pain ever go away? I guess she can always look back on the sex and passion of her affairs and relive the glorious moments. I guess I can just go straight to hell.

 

I am adopted - I am pretty damn angry with the woman who chose to give birth rather than abort me.

the pain will stop. i just takes time.

[tweldy]

... You will be reminded of the pain. But I don't really want to get into that because its over my head with your situation. You've survived being adopted, serious health crises, caring for an invalid spouse, a religious cult, and holding down a job and raising a family with an unfaithful wife who treated you like dirt. I think its time for you to live your life for yourself. Maybe move to some other part of the country and give yourself a completely new horizon. You're an amazing person to have made it through all this and still somehow lived up to profound responsibilities.

[Guest]

I agree with tweldy whole heartedly. Start anew. Look at all the many honorable things you have done in your life. Be proud. Start living now for yourself. In time, you may find someone else you can share happiness with, but today just heal yourself.

 

Seek therapy, you deserve a sounding board. Don't hurt yourself, you have children who love you. Don't let what happened rob you of watching them grow.

 

Seek the sun; Seek that new horizon.