ratingsguy Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 Well I met with my xMW this afternoon. I was actually more nervous than anything, but I think it went well. I handed her a 3 page letter as I had planned. The letter basically told her how I was feeling... mainly hurt, but also understanding of why she needed to pull away. I also reemphasized how deep in love I am with her. It said that we couldn't be friends for now and needed to not contact each other in any way for at the very least a few months. At that point, we'll see where we are. She read it over, got a little emotional, but kept her composure, and we started to talk. Her first word was "wow". She said she was sorry about how she handled pulling away from me... she said that she had wished that she had been more direct. I was very understanding and mature about her needing some time, encouraging her to do what she needs, and I will do what I need. Around May, we'll contact one another and go from there. Luckily, I didn't break down, but I did come close a couple of times. We did hug and kiss a little bit... it really was hard not to. I thought to myself, well I'm not going to see her for at least 3 months, so we may as well enjoy this while we're together. I don't know what to expect after the NC period is up. We admitted to each other that it's difficult to know where either of us will be. But we both agreed that time apart would definately benefit the both of us and any potential relationship that we may have down the road. Keep in mind, she has just separated after 22 years of marriage and has many things going on in her life right now. One thing that she said that stuck out is that she's not used to putting herself first. She never has, and it's unusual and strange to her. She needs this time to do that, and I can certainly respect that. So the NC begins. It will be tough, but I know it needs to be done. Until May rolls around, I'm just going to get on with life. There's really nothing else I can do.
Guest Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 Well RG I am pleased that you have done the deed so to speak, and it does sound as if you kept your composure in what must have been an emotionally charged atmosphere. BUT you have done what most people told you not to do--you have left the door open for her. I know that you said you will be getting on with your life, but she knows that as you are still in love with her, you are unlikely to move on before May. So she has you as a reserve lined up. She is not afraid to lose you because she hasn't lost you. You have not set yourself free but he has set herself free. I think you should have just said your good-byes and that you cant be friends (I truly do not think you can ever be her friend), so that she has "lost" you as from yesterday. She needs to fear that you will not be lingering around for her in May-she knows that it is most likely that you will wait to meet up in May and see if she wants to resume a R with you. I think she was happy dumping you and that you were just an exit affair and although she has or had feelings for you, she now wants to play the field and is not that into you. I don't want to sound harsh but sometimes people do need to wake up and smell the coffee. Yesterday did not bring closure for you. You have just left yourself with false hope until May at which time you will be back to where you are now. You have told her that she has a safety net in you so she has no reason to do anything regarding you until May. I really want for you to start healing but I fear that you have just booked yourself in for major emotional surgery in May. I truly hope I am wrong.
MoonGirl Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 RG, I'm glad you're moving on with your life. It sounds like you got some closure from MW even though you agreed to contact in May. NC is the way to go, and I'm glad you're going to take care of yourself now.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 One thing that she said that stuck out is that she's not used to putting herself first. She never has, and it's unusual and strange to her. She needs this time to do that, and I can certainly respect that. This really stood out to me... She's been putting herself first this entire time over YOU and the STBXH... RG, I'm glad that you are going on with your life...I wish you the best of luck...NC will give you time to consider everything without being caught up in it...You deserve the best life has to give, now go and get it...
AriaIncognito Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 RG - I'm sorry you're going through this. It truly does suck to break up, dumper or dumpee (as sometimes dumpers do it because the dumpee is unwilling to commit or is emotionally unavailable, etc). I have to admit though, I'm nervous about your healing process because of the self inflicted May deadline you gave yourself. I understand that it was done in order to make sure there was NC enforced, but I dont know, I for one, know that when theres a timeline in force that I can "look ahead" to, I'd be a little less prone to moving forward, and a lot more prone to the "what ifs" of that meeting in May. So all that being said, please be careful. Be careful with your heart. You seem like a great guy and it seems to me that any woman would be lucky to have you loving her in her life. Please try not to put your life on hold while you wait for NC to cure all. I know, I'm not one to talk since I'm having a hard time moving on from my breakup as well (not an M situation just plain old regular craptastic breakup). Anyway, please take care of yourself, and thanks for your post to my thread on the other board.
Author ratingsguy Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 ...I for one, know that when theres a timeline in force that I can "look ahead" to, I'd be a little less prone to moving forward, and a lot more prone to the "what ifs" of that meeting in May. Thanks for the kind words. I've considered that, but I also know that anything can happen in 3 months. Plus, I'm treating this as a complete break up even though it really isn't... we were seriously involved for only a few months, so 3 months should be plenty of time to move on. But I guess we'll see when the times comes. There are so many variables at play it's impossible to predict... so I won't try to. I have made the decision to date in the meantime... mainly at the request of my MW, but also because I know I need to get back out there and at least look. It's unhealthy to cling to someone who may not be there in the future, even though the hope is that she will be. So we'll see. Thanks again and good luck to you, too!
Author ratingsguy Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 After just two days of NC, I think I'm going insane. Even though I'm the one who asked for NC, I'm very up and down. I go from being fine, to breaking down emotionally, to being fine again, and then to breaking down again. This is really painful. Even when I'm ok, I'm still thinking about her all the time. How do I stop that? I'm trying to redirect my thoughts, but it's difficult... and SO MANY things will bring my thoughts back to her. I can't escape it. Or can I? What do I do? In my mind I keep going back to Saturday when we last saw each other. I think of things that I wish I had said or asked. It really bothers me that I didn't think of asking the things I'm thinking of now... and now that I'm in NC, I won't be able to ask these questions until 3 months from now. I don't see myself breaking NC right now... but I so badly wish that she would break NC and call or e-mail me. I miss her so much, yet I wish I could erase her from my brain, just so I could move on. It's seems so impossible.. and I'm so tired of being sad and lonely.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 It's going to get easier RG, you're doing so well and the questions you were going to ask her...well...you just have to let them go. The answers you should be searching for is how you're going to make your life better in these next three months.
Art_Critic Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 I think of things that I wish I had said or asked. I would think that a 3 page letter said enough.. Stick top the NC.. it is the only way.. writing more letters at this point will just make you look bad... Stay strong and keep coming back to LS if you are thinking of contacting her..
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Give yourself time to grieve the loss of her and the relationship...It will take time, so just roll with the punches as they hit ya. And, make sure to have afew laughs daily, get out and BE around people, don't isolate yourself!
frannie Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 After just two days of NC, I think I'm going insane. Even though I'm the one who asked for NC, I'm very up and down. I go from being fine, to breaking down emotionally, to being fine again, and then to breaking down again. This is really painful. Even when I'm ok, I'm still thinking about her all the time. How do I stop that? I'm trying to redirect my thoughts, but it's difficult... and SO MANY things will bring my thoughts back to her. I can't escape it. Or can I? What do I do? In my mind I keep going back to Saturday when we last saw each other. I think of things that I wish I had said or asked. It really bothers me that I didn't think of asking the things I'm thinking of now... and now that I'm in NC, I won't be able to ask these questions until 3 months from now. I don't see myself breaking NC right now... but I so badly wish that she would break NC and call or e-mail me. I miss her so much, yet I wish I could erase her from my brain, just so I could move on. It's seems so impossible.. and I'm so tired of being sad and lonely. Ratingsguy, things will get better. I was in NC with my MM all last summer. Totally my choice. I'm similar to you in that questions, suggestions, worries kept going round and round my mind until it almost drove me crazy. How I got round that was to concentrate on something new. I bought a whole lot of novels and threw myself into them. I started a lot of new things, all diversionary, all incredibly important to taking my mind off HIM. It doesn't matter what they are, just that you do something. Because it's time that counts. Concentrate on the now, not the future... get through the painful minutes you're facing now and turn them into hours. And then days. And weeks. Don't panic about next week... next month, or May... just get through today. When it's really bad, just get through to the other side of the present pain. And when you get to the JOY on the other side of it, give thanks that it's passed... and know that when the next pain comes, you WILL get through that too. Eventually, it does get easier. You will find strength, and happiness, by getting through it. I promise. And it hits you with an amazing power... because you did it! And if you have nagging questions, write them down in a diary or come and share them here. You can get through this. And you will feel happier when you do... honestly.
frannie Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Oh I wanted to add that my questioning, needing answers, needing everything to make sense and be logical, etc... if I'm honest it stems from a NEED to be in control of things. 'Understanding' (my therapist once told me!) is how I get to feel in control of events and the world. But the world isn't like that... it's a big mess, uncontrollable, totally illogical at times... and events defy reason often. So... I find that I'm so much happier when I just let go and let things be as they are. It's not down to you or me what happens... and all the questions and answers in the world don't make a difference. None of this might apply to you, or help... but I just throught I'd throw it out there... let go... and don't panic...
Author ratingsguy Posted February 6, 2007 Author Posted February 6, 2007 Thanks everyone for the support. It is difficult... and I think one of the most difficult things is swinging back and forth between feeling ok, and having an emotional breakdown. I know as time goes on there will be less of the latter. I wish I could surround myself with people, but since I work on the road and spend endless hours in my company car by myself, it's nearly impossible to not be alone with my thoughts. A friend of mine recommended the book "The Power of Now" which I am looking forward to getting in the mail. She told me that it helped her get over a break up and focus on what's important in her life right now. I asked her if I could borrow her copy (since she broke up with this guy back in July and is almost 100% over him). However, since she refers to the book every once in a while, she said no way... in a polite way of course. One thing I'm having a tough time getting over (and I know this will sound shallow) is the fact that she had money. Now mind you, I was in love with her, and that had nothing to do with her wealth. But, that being said, it was so nice to know that we were going to travel together, maybe live in a big home one day, etc. Again, call me shallow, but that is something that is very difficult for me to let go of. I would often say to her that I wish I could spend money on her like she did on me. Her response was always that money doesn't make someone happy and she was the proof of it. But it sure didn't hurt! It's day 3 of NC and I'm feeling ok. But then again, the day just started.
what2donow Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Since you spend so much time in your car, what about listening to books on cd's? I know this helped me when I started NC. Songs on the radio just made me think of him more and for me, listening to a good mystery really helped me to refocus my thoughts on something other than HIM. We're all pulling for you!
serial muse Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Thanks everyone for the support. It is difficult... and I think one of the most difficult things is swinging back and forth between feeling ok, and having an emotional breakdown. I know as time goes on there will be less of the latter. I wish I could surround myself with people, but since I work on the road and spend endless hours in my company car by myself, it's nearly impossible to not be alone with my thoughts. A friend of mine recommended the book "The Power of Now" which I am looking forward to getting in the mail. She told me that it helped her get over a break up and focus on what's important in her life right now. I asked her if I could borrow her copy (since she broke up with this guy back in July and is almost 100% over him). However, since she refers to the book every once in a while, she said no way... in a polite way of course. One thing I'm having a tough time getting over (and I know this will sound shallow) is the fact that she had money. Now mind you, I was in love with her, and that had nothing to do with her wealth. But, that being said, it was so nice to know that we were going to travel together, maybe live in a big home one day, etc. Again, call me shallow, but that is something that is very difficult for me to let go of. I would often say to her that I wish I could spend money on her like she did on me. Her response was always that money doesn't make someone happy and she was the proof of it. But it sure didn't hurt! It's day 3 of NC and I'm feeling ok. But then again, the day just started. The Power of Now can be helpful; it's largely about acceptance, as I recall. I, too, read it when I was going through a very painful breakup. But at the risk of sounding like a broken record, what I found accelerated my healing most was when I eventually chose, full-stop, to let go - rather than accepting someone else's choice or keep myself in emotional limbo during periodic talks and periodic NC's, while I hoped he came to his senses. Letting go hurt like hell but it was so freeing, like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. You do have to be ready to make that choice, but once you do, it's an incredible relief, even amid the sadness and loss. I know you're not there ratingsguy, and are hoping not to have to make that choice. I do understand that. So, in the meantime, I'll just wish you peace. Also, I'd suggest that rather than thinking of the advantages that a relationship with someone else might have brought you, you focus on the advantages of not having her around. It's not a betrayal to think about the ways in which you're better off now. As far as the money goes, sure, it would be nice to feel like you could have that to rely on. But that, like your exMW, is ephemeral. You have yourself, and that's a powerful thing, and is more than enough to get you through this and help you move forward with your life. (That's also part of the message of the Power of Now.)
casoria99 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Ratingsguy, our stories are very similar. My guy had money and yes it did not make him happy, but he also had the power to recreate his life and situation rather quickly. And I am stuck with builidng my life from scratch. I think I am going to read the Power of Now, too. Who is the author?
Author ratingsguy Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 Ratingsguy, our stories are very similar. My guy had money and yes it did not make him happy, but he also had the power to recreate his life and situation rather quickly. And I am stuck with builidng my life from scratch. I think I am going to read the Power of Now, too. Who is the author? Eckhart Tolle is the author. I don't know much about the book, and I usually don't buy into New Age crap, but my friend was insisting that I read this book. So I'll keep an open mind and see what it's all about. I think the thing I resent most about the money issue is that my MW made a lot of promises that she now can't keep... mainly with regards to travel. It would have been cool to travel to new and exciting places with her, but it's probably not going to happen now. As for recreating her life and situation rather quickly... ditto here. She will have no problems in that department even after her divorce is final and the marital assets are split in half. With all the wherewithal, I'm left out in the cold. Although she did apologize for being an "Indian giver". Today is day 4 of NC. I got through all of yesterday without shedding a tear, so I guess that is definately progress. I do feel a little melancholy this morning, though.
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 It's an excellent book! And quite helpful too. I will say this - Don't sit down and read it from beginning to end so fast...Lots of it won't sink in UNTIL you're "ready" to "hear" the message and understand the point being made. It's like a lightbulb goes off inside ya and you actually FEEL you understand, not just in the brain, but physically all over. It's a powerful book, I couldn't read more than one chapter a day, and it took me months to finish it...Even now I go back and read various chapters.. You'll see what I mean once you get into the book!
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