BW calling OW????

[bellababygirl]

Okay, This may have been covered before but I am a little confused. I try to read as many threads as possible. And, recently I have been noticing a lot of BW call, email, etc. OW (some revealing who they are and some not).

 

My MM W has not made any type of contact with me that I am aware of...we certainly are not in the same circles, local, age group, etc...so I dont know where we would ever even run into one another. To my knowledge I dont think she has any idea who I am, or that I exist...although I dont know how after all the years of marriage and OW she could not have some suspicion of extra-marital activities???

 

Sorry, lost my train of thought...my question is WHY DOES BW CONTACT OW at all? I mean doesnt she need to address her H instead? I've never been an OW before so perhaps this is not a PC question. I am not trying to offend anyone, nor say that one person has more or less rights than another. So for BW reading this, I am trying to understand what positive comes from contacting the OW? What are you looking for when you contact the OW?

 

And, for OW who have been contacted by BW how did you handle it? Do you feel the contact was productive or counter-productive? Would you have done it differently now that you can look back?

 

If my MM BW were to ever call me I would never want to get in a fight with her...I dont like fighting...and I am not big on sarcasm...so, if I find myself in that situation I would like to know the best way to handle it in a healthy and polite manner.

[yellowrose]

WHY DOES BW CONTACT OW at all?

 

This is such a charged question. For the sake of diffusing as much emotion as possible, I'm going to assume that it's being asked not out of a sense of entitlement.

 

When I contacted my now ex-husband's OW, it was to tell her that he was married, that we had a baby, and were still together and actively participating in marriage counselling.

 

She was surprised. Apparently he had given her a completely different story.

 

Shocker, eh?

 

As the wife, she has the right to lay down the boundaries. it's her turf. Contacting the OW, as anyone else who is threatening your home or way of life, is to be expected.

 

-yr

[bellababygirl]

This is such a charged question. For the sake of diffusing as much emotion as possible, I'm going to assume that it's being asked not out of a sense of entitlement.

 

When I contacted my now ex-husband's OW, it was to tell her that he was married, that we had a baby, and were still together and actively participating in marriage counselling.

 

She was surprised. Apparently he had given her a completely different story.

 

Shocker, eh?

 

As the wife, she has the right to lay down the boundaries. it's her turf. Contacting the OW, as anyone else who is threatening your home or way of life, is to be expected.

 

-yr

 

 

I am so sorry about your H. I cant imagine being a BW, or course, I never imagined being an OW either. But, did that help you? I mean, did the way the OW responding to you was it healing? Helpful? Is it what you expected? Is it what you were looking for? Do you feel just doing the confronting of the situation is a form of venting and helps to put you on the road to healing or healing the R with your H (you mentioned marriage counseling)...

 

I dont mean for this thread to be a charged question. I dont want my MM BW to hurt anymore than I am sure she would if she knew of his OW. Truly, I want to know what is the best way to speak to her if she were to contact me. I dont want her to hurt anymore than I know she would be to begin with. I feel horrible for being part of the R that would hurt her. It is wrong...there is nothing I can say to justify being in love with a MM...(although I was lead to beleive he was single to begin with). But, she doesnt deserve some tarty OW being sarcastic, accusing, or being lied to.

 

If a BW is calling the OW then obviously she deserves the truth, yes? I dont want to hurt her...or anyone...so is the way your conversation went with your H OW the PC way to conduct such a subject matter?

 

Thank you for your insight and again, I am so sorry for your experience as a BW

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. WHY DOES BW CONTACT OW at all?

 

2. I mean doesnt she need to address her H instead?

 

1. From what I've seen, it is a desire to hear OW side of the story. When the BW gets the Dday, she is only getting parts of the story. There is a drive to know the whole story, and for some contacting the OW is the only way to assure themselves that they are getting the whole story.

 

2. They do, but that only gives the part of the story. Some BW need to know they are getting as much of the story as they can.

 

Another reason for contacting the OW is to find an outlet for the great anger that overtakes the BW post Dday. Yes, the BW is angry with MM, but one thing to understand is that she has a reason to want to work things out with MM in order to repair the marriage, so on some level she may put aside some of the anger out of fear of losing her H entirely. She has no reason to want to work things out with you. You are expendable in the grand scheme of things. Making you the brunt of the anger isn't going to have a negative effect on her relationship. She isn't going to lose anything by giving you both barrels.

 

You are having a child with your MM. Understand that one day, you WILL get that call. You just can't hide a child for very long. One way or the other, eventually she will find out about you. Will she call you? If she does, I'm sure she will have many questions for you (unless she knows about her H's affairs and simply looks the other way like many of the W's of the ultra wealthy do).

 

I guess what you have to decide is whether or not to answer her questions truthfully, or at all for that matter.

[YoMomma]

BS found out about our A, but she never called me. If she had I would have told her every sorrid detail because she deserves to know what a lying piece of $hit she's been married to for the past 19 years! I can't believe she hasn't kicked his ass out of the house...

[yellowrose]

The OW in our picture was a young single mother, kind of set up to be in an incredibly insecure position. I called her because I felt that I wasn't going to just sit there and watch everything that was important to me be steamrolled without saying something. Her reaction was inappropriate, manipulative, and abusive. There was never a reason that things couldn't have been civil, but she (well, they) made me the bad guy.

 

I do believe that at the end of the day, open air and honesty is always the best baseline to default to.

 

Here's what I'd say- If she calls you, be respectful. Technically, it is her turf you're treading on. If you're respectful now, it'll make things better later on after the dust settles if you and the MM end up together. If she's upset, own up to it. Let her have her pain and hurt feelings and don't discount them. Remember that the MM is only giving you one side of the story. Be fair to her and true to yourself and I guess that's the best you can do.

 

-yr

[bellababygirl]

1. From what I've seen, it is a desire to hear OW side of the story. When the BW gets the Dday, she is only getting parts of the story. There is a drive to know the whole story, and for some contacting the OW is the only way to assure themselves that they are getting the whole story.

 

2. They do, but that only gives the part of the story. Some BW need to know they are getting as much of the story as they can.

 

Another reason for contacting the OW is to find an outlet for the great anger that overtakes the BW post Dday. Yes, the BW is angry with MM, but one thing to understand is that she has a reason to want to work things out with MM in order to repair the marriage, so on some level she may put aside some of the anger out of fear of losing her H entirely. She has no reason to want to work things out with you. You are expendable in the grand scheme of things. Making you the brunt of the anger isn't going to have a negative effect on her relationship. She isn't going to lose anything by giving you both barrels.

 

You are having a child with your MM. Understand that one day, you WILL get that call. You just can't hide a child for very long. One way or the other, eventually she will find out about you. Will she call you? If she does, I'm sure she will have many questions for you (unless she knows about her H's affairs and simply looks the other way like many of the W's of the ultra wealthy do).

 

I guess what you have to decide is whether or not to answer her questions truthfully, or at all for that matter.

 

 

Quick clarification...IS Dday divorce?

 

Does the BW ever get the whole story?

 

If she were to call me today and ask me to never see her H again I cant tell her I would. I love him too. It is not fair to her or I. Yes, she was there first...but, I didnt ask to fall in love with a MM, nor do it knowingly. Not an excuse, but it was not planned as an A. I did not know she existed.

 

I will probably bite my tongue and let her yell, cuss, whatever she would need to do to get it out of her system. But, if she were to behave as some BW and make harrassing phone calls, etc. that would effect my children, etc. I probably wouldn't hold my tongue for long. Yes, she deserves to have her BW feelings. But, the BW is a result of two peoples actions not mine alone. So, I will be respectful of her pain. I truly hope, whatever the end result of my R with my MM, that if her and I do speak we can do it in a respectful civil manner and try to keep all the children in consideration.

 

I am not ready to talk to her...

[bellababygirl]

BS found out about our A, but she never called me. If she had I would have told her every sorrid detail because she deserves to know what a lying piece of $hit she's been married to for the past 19 years! I can't believe she hasn't kicked his ass out of the house...

 

What if that was not what she needed/wanted to know? What if that would have been hurtful to her? That is what I am wondering...do you only answer what the BW asks? Do you volunteer information? And, what is truly beneficial of this meeting of the MM women?

[bellababygirl]

The OW in our picture was a young single mother, kind of set up to be in an incredibly insecure position. I called her because I felt that I wasn't going to just sit there and watch everything that was important to me be steamrolled without saying something. Her reaction was inappropriate, manipulative, and abusive. There was never a reason that things couldn't have been civil, but she (well, they) made me the bad guy.

 

I do believe that at the end of the day, open air and honesty is always the best baseline to default to.

 

Here's what I'd say- If she calls you, be respectful. Technically, it is her turf you're treading on. If you're respectful now, it'll make things better later on after the dust settles if you and the MM end up together. If she's upset, own up to it. Let her have her pain and hurt feelings and don't discount them. Remember that the MM is only giving you one side of the story. Be fair to her and true to yourself and I guess that's the best you can do.

 

-yr

 

Did confronting her benefit you, emotionally? How did you H react to you speaking with the OW? Did he become more honest with the situation?

[yellowrose]

Did confronting her benefit you, emotionally? How did you H react to you speaking with the OW? Did he become more honest with the situation?

 

Confronting her definitely got the point across that I'm a real person and deserve to be, at least, acknowledged. That was good enough for me.

 

The ex-H reacted by lying to both of us. He lied to her and told her it was over with me, he lied to me and told me it was over with her. Then he went to marriage counselling and lied to him, telling him he was no longer seeing her. Then he left the session and went to her house for sex.

 

He did not become more honest, in fact he got worse. He's still a compulsive liar. It seems to always be his first instinct. When it became clear that this woman wasn't going anywhere and would be spending time with my daughter, I requested that we go to lunch so we could at least get to know each other. He said, "No. I'm scared of what you guys will talk about." He was scared that we'd compare notes! What does that tell you?

 

Sounds like a real prize, eh? The thing that breaks my heart reading these boards is that I do believe that many of these MM are of the same ilk. Spineless, self-absorbed liars who would rather hurt two women than risk not getting what they want. GRR!

 

As I told the OW when I initially confronted her, "Honey, the worst thing I could ever do to you is let you have him!" LOL

 

 

-yr

[bellababygirl]

Confronting her definitely got the point across that I'm a real person and deserve to be, at least, acknowledged. That was good enough for me.

 

The ex-H reacted by lying to both of us. He lied to her and told her it was over with me, he lied to me and told me it was over with her. Then he went to marriage counselling and lied to him, telling him he was no longer seeing her. Then he left the session and went to her house for sex.

 

He did not become more honest, in fact he got worse. He's still a compulsive liar. It seems to always be his first instinct. When it became clear that this woman wasn't going anywhere and would be spending time with my daughter, I requested that we go to lunch so we could at least get to know each other. He said, "No. I'm scared of what you guys will talk about." He was scared that we'd compare notes! What does that tell you?

 

Sounds like a real prize, eh? The thing that breaks my heart reading these boards is that I do believe that many of these MM are of the same ilk. Spineless, self-absorbed liars who would rather hurt two women than risk not getting what they want. GRR!

 

As I told the OW when I initially confronted her, "Honey, the worst thing I could ever do to you is let you have him!" LOL

 

 

Thank you for speaking of your daughter. Seeing that we are expecting a son this summer our situation seems to get more and more complicated...

 

His children with his W are mostly all grown and graduated college. So, I would hope that if and when she knows of our son that if she were around him she would be able to care for him as a child, not see him only as her H OW son. That is a major motivation to me to be as polite and respectful to her and her feelings as possible. If she where to ever be around our son I would hope that my respect for her, given our circumstance, would hopefully give some type of ground for us to meet on an understanding of what is best for all the children involved.

 

I know people think of OW and immediately lable them..but OW, as you have pointed out, can be victims of MM as well as BW are. I truly am saddened by the grief these situations cause so many, but all children in and out of marriage are innocent and I hope all BW, OW, and MM behave in a manner that is at the very least decent for the children.

[YoMomma]

Quick clarification...IS Dday divorce?

 

Do you mean will they divorce? Some do & some don't - if I were you I wouldn't count on it.

 

Does the BW ever get the whole story?

 

The only story she gets is what MM and OW want her to know.

 

If she were to call me today and ask me to never see her H again I cant tell her I would. I love him too. It is not fair to her or I. Yes, she was there first...but, I didnt ask to fall in love with a MM, nor do it knowingly. Not an excuse, but it was not planned as an A. I did not know she existed.

 

Actually you did ask to fall in love with a MM - because you kept on seeing him when you supposedly found out he was married & then went on to get pregnant! You knew she existed when you found out he was married.

 

I will probably bite my tongue and let her yell, cuss, whatever she would need to do to get it out of her system. But, if she were to behave as some BW and make harrassing phone calls, etc. that would effect my children, etc. I probably wouldn't hold my tongue for long.

 

I don't really think she is going to give a damn how you feel and if they are as rich as you say they are, I don't think she will be calling you - she'll probably be calling her attorney.

 

Yes, she deserves to have her BW feelings. But, the BW is a result of two peoples actions not mine alone. So, I will be respectful of her pain. I truly hope, whatever the end result of my R with my MM, that if her and I do speak we can do it in a respectful civil manner and try to keep all the children in consideration.

 

You should have thought of the children (yours and his) before you went and got yourself pregnant! Didn't you say you have a 9 yr old? Does this child know you are pregnant with a man who is married to another woman? I

 

I am not ready to talk to her...

 

I am sure she's not ready to talk to you either!

[bellababygirl]

Quick clarification...IS Dday divorce?

 

Do you mean will they divorce? Some do & some don't - if I were you I wouldn't count on it.

 

Does the BW ever get the whole story?

 

The only story she gets is what MM and OW want her to know.

 

If she were to call me today and ask me to never see her H again I cant tell her I would. I love him too. It is not fair to her or I. Yes, she was there first...but, I didnt ask to fall in love with a MM, nor do it knowingly. Not an excuse, but it was not planned as an A. I did not know she existed.

 

Actually you did ask to fall in love with a MM - because you kept on seeing him when you supposedly found out he was married & then went on to get pregnant! You knew she existed when you found out he was married.

 

I will probably bite my tongue and let her yell, cuss, whatever she would need to do to get it out of her system. But, if she were to behave as some BW and make harrassing phone calls, etc. that would effect my children, etc. I probably wouldn't hold my tongue for long.

 

I don't really think she is going to give a damn how you feel and if they are as rich as you say they are, I don't think she will be calling you - she'll probably be calling her attorney.

 

Yes, she deserves to have her BW feelings. But, the BW is a result of two peoples actions not mine alone. So, I will be respectful of her pain. I truly hope, whatever the end result of my R with my MM, that if her and I do speak we can do it in a respectful civil manner and try to keep all the children in consideration.

 

You should have thought of the children (yours and his) before you went and got yourself pregnant! Didn't you say you have a 9 yr old? Does this child know you are pregnant with a man who is married to another woman? I

 

I am not ready to talk to her...

 

I am sure she's not ready to talk to you either!

 

 

Dday..no, I wasnt asking if my MM would divorce...I have seen the reference "Dday" in many threads and just am not sure esactly what it refers to?

 

Once I found out he was married we had already been seeing each other, as two single people - I thought, for quite some time. I was already in love...

 

My 9 year old knows i am pregnant, but he doesnt ask about who the babys father is...he knows i have a boyfriend, but that is it. Many of his classmates moms and dads are divorced and have others in their lives so I dont think he sees anything strange in this...the pregnancy he is just thankful God isnt giving him a gross sister...he's happy its a brother!

[Island Girl]

I was told my husband was not married when I met him.

 

We had a lengthy relationship and moved in together. We had plans to be married although he was vague about a date. That was fine with me because I wasn't in a rush to be married.

 

One day he left his cell at our house and she called.

 

His wife.

 

We had a really long conversation that was clarification for both of us.

 

She knew about me but did not know he and I were planning on getting married.

She told me he had said for years that he did not want to be married but she did not want to let go.

She asked about some of the details of our relationship and I was absolutely forthcoming.

 

I believe it was her right to know all.

 

I wasn't sure at the time if he was lying to her as well - because he HAD lied to me about being single so I was not about to leave room for any delusions to continue for either of us.

 

He called while I was speaking with her and I told him I couldn't talk because I was on the phone with his WIFE and hung up on him.

 

Boy did he rush straight to the house.

 

I told him I had spoken with her and that she HAD told me about their separation and that she knew he wanted a divorce.

 

HOWEVER, I made it perfectly clear I was very angry about his deception and that he had a lot of clean up to do before he could even discuss anything with me. Until the divorce was filed, etc. to me there was nothing to talk about.

 

I told him good luck and that I would not be waiting around for him to get his crap together.

 

It was all handled within 2 weeks.

 

Since the papers were filed and he had proof, we resumed communication and eventually back into a full blown relationship (and now, 5 years later, marriage).

 

His wife did make it difficult for a while because she kept contesting which I never understood and still don't but I suppose it was some kind of punishment for him. She had told me she still wanted him although she knew he did not want her.

 

She was married the same month we were to a man that will hopefully make her happy.

[whichwayisup]

DDay is discovery day of the affair.

[YoMomma]

What if that was not what she needed/wanted to know? What if that would have been hurtful to her? That is what I am wondering...do you only answer what the BW asks? Do you volunteer information? And, what is truly beneficial of this meeting of the MM women?

 

I am not sure what would be beneficial to her if she spoke to you, and if I were you I would not expect a fuzzy warm reception when you two do finally meet/speak. Eventually she will find out that you exist and that there is a child on the way - if I were you I'd get prepared for the war to begin!

[bellababygirl]

I am not sure what would be beneficial to her if she spoke to you, and if I were you I would not expect a fuzzy warm reception when you two do finally meet/speak. Eventually she will find out that you exist and that there is a child on the way - if I were you I'd get prepared for the war to begin!

 

God, I pray it doesnt get to that...whatever she says...she has every right to feel however she feels...I wont try and deny her that ever...hurt is real to the person feeling it...no matter if it is justifiable in the eyes of another or not

[bellababygirl]

I was told my husband was not married when I met him.

 

We had a lengthy relationship and moved in together. We had plans to be married although he was vague about a date. That was fine with me because I wasn't in a rush to be married.

 

One day he left his cell at our house and she called.

 

His wife.

 

We had a really long conversation that was clarification for both of us.

 

She knew about me but did not know he and I were planning on getting married.

She told me he had said for years that he did not want to be married but she did not want to let go.

She asked about some of the details of our relationship and I was absolutely forthcoming.

 

I believe it was her right to know all.

 

I wasn't sure at the time if he was lying to her as well - because he HAD lied to me about being single so I was not about to leave room for any delusions to continue for either of us.

 

He called while I was speaking with her and I told him I couldn't talk because I was on the phone with his WIFE and hung up on him.

 

Boy did he rush straight to the house.

 

I told him I had spoken with her and that she HAD told me about their separation and that she knew he wanted a divorce.

 

HOWEVER, I made it perfectly clear I was very angry about his deception and that he had a lot of clean up to do before he could even discuss anything with me. Until the divorce was filed, etc. to me there was nothing to talk about.

 

I told him good luck and that I would not be waiting around for him to get his crap together.

 

It was all handled within 2 weeks.

 

Since the papers were filed and he had proof, we resumed communication and eventually back into a full blown relationship (and now, 5 years later, marriage).

 

His wife did make it difficult for a while because she kept contesting which I never understood and still don't but I suppose it was some kind of punishment for him. She had told me she still wanted him although she knew he did not want her.

 

She was married the same month we were to a man that will hopefully make her happy.

 

I am glad it sounded like all worked out for the best...

 

I applaude your honesty and think it is the best way to handle any confronting done by the BW to the OW. If she is calling you then she has to know something.

 

Thanks for the information...honesty is the best policy...the BW and OW are both women...they just happen to love the same man...

[Island Girl]

Thankfully there were no children in my case or I don't know how it would have gone.

 

Tough situation.

[bellababygirl]

DDay is discovery day of the affair.

 

Thank you for clearing that up...I have figured out most of the shorthand here on the site, but every now and then I find one I am not so sure about...

[bellababygirl]

Thankfully there were no children in my case or I don't know how it would have gone.

 

Tough situation.

 

I am thankful that most his (and his W) children are grown, graduated college, and out of the home...I am not sure why that makes it easier for me...maybe because as adults their would not be as harmful emotional hurt as would a young child?

[YoMomma]

God, I pray it doesnt get to that...whatever she says...she has every right to feel however she feels...I wont try and deny her that ever...hurt is real to the person feeling it...no matter if it is justifiable in the eyes of another or not

 

In this case, you have to agree that it's justifiable for her to be more than just hurt! You don't have any power over this woman and her feelings, nor do you have any power over her husband, the only thing he owes you is that he will have to support your child for the next 18 years. I wish you all the best... but I have a feeling you are in for a rude awakening once this child is born.

[Island Girl]

I am glad it sounded like all worked out for the best...

 

I applaude your honesty and think it is the best way to handle any confronting done by the BW to the OW. If she is calling you then she has to know something.

 

Thanks for the information...honesty is the best policy...the BW and OW are both women...they just happen to love the same man...

 

Thank you for the kind words but I really did feel for her.

 

It was a long relationship that I found out was unrequited for quite some time - I didn't find that out until years later from his other family members.

 

Since the original call came in from his cell -- and he had lied to me about being single which threw me for a loop, I also gave her my home number so IF there were any more questions she could contact me directly.

 

And yes honesty is the best policy - it all has a way of coming to light anyway.

[bellababygirl]

Thank you for the kind words but I really did feel for her.

 

It was a long relationship that I found out was unrequited for quite some time - I didn't find that out until years later from his other family members.

 

Since the original call came in from his cell -- and he had lied to me about being single which threw me for a loop, I also gave her my home number so IF there were any more questions she could contact me directly.

 

And yes honesty is the best policy - it all has a way of coming to light anyway.

 

 

At least he did not tell you he was 41 instead of 61 and had children and a wife and a different name entirely! I thougth I was dating a 41 year old single, never married, man with no children!

 

yeah, when i found out I was pregnant and found out he lied about all the above...I went ballistic and told him he could not lie to me ever again, even if what he was going to say would hurt me. I have to have honesty...even if it is not what I am wanting to hear.

[Island Girl]

yeah, when i found out I was pregnant and found out he lied about all the above...I went ballistic and told him he could not lie to me ever again, even if what he was going to say would hurt me. I have to have honesty...even if it is not what I am wanting to hear.

 

I hope he doesn't. My heart goes out to you.

 

And no -- there weren't any other lies in my case - well, except his escapades before meeting me. But I always knew he was more "active" than he told me! Like I couldn't tell!

 

Anyway, it is a tough situation to say the least.

 

GAWD 61 instead of 41 -- I'd have castrated him on the spot!