No Contact

[miss snoopy]

I will. It just gets to me that he hates me now and never wants to see me again.

 

My ex said he hated me the night we broke up. When I callled him up after 3 months NC, he said "of course" he doesn't hate me, that he just felt like that at the time.

 

If I'd have given him the break he wanted back at the start of January maybe we wouldn't have ended up like this...but then again maybe we would.

 

Well, give him at least a 3 month break from you starting today. A lot could change in 3 months. It's not too late. He may not want you back, but may be a lot more receptive.

 

He's been just as much to blame (I was taking stuff he said the wrong way and being slightly stalker like, but he was also coming out with a load of bull to keep me hanging on, IMO) so we probably never would have worked.

 

He sounds conflicted.. my ex did too. But you want a man who wants you 100%, not 51%, or a weekends, or when he can't find anyone else.

 

I still hope that one day we'll be able to get back in touch - he got back in touch with the ex that had his baby after 6 months of not seeing her, but then although he called her crazy as well, he now says I'm way worse than she was! And I kind of had to push him towards getting back in touch with her.

 

Try and desist from comparing your situation with his ex'es. That's the mistake I made and really cost me this relationship (but see below) He sounds like someone who projects a lot and I'm sensing passive agressive traits. You will be back in touch but there's no hurry.

 

Oh whatever...he's not worth it.

 

Quite. My ex is certainly not worth all this aggro, I'm just a relationship addict. The world is a big place, the right man is out there for us, we just need to sort our heads out first so we don't screw things up whe he arrives!

[alasia]

A lot of what you said made sense, and yes he has said he hates me before (and even said he's get a restraining order out on me a couple of weeks ago, during an argument) then took it back a week or so later, he's also said he never wants to hear from me again and then we ended up talking.

To be honest though, I really don't want that sort of person in my, or my baby's, life. Even when we were together he seemed to use the words "it's over" as a tool to hurt me, then a few hours later when he'd calmed down he'd say he didn't mean it. Or, he'd drag up the past during arguments.

 

I'll go NC but do it to get over him; if I see him around and we get talking I won't ignore him - and if he eventually wants to be in the baby's life then fine, but it'll be on my terms - which means seeing this baby more regularly than he sees his youngest son (once at Christmas; the first time in 6 months, then nothing since).

I won't be giving it a specific time frame then trying to get back in touch (I don't think that's what you were suggesting anyway though, was it?)

 

I'm not a relationship kind of person...this ex has been my only 'proper' relationship - I've had short term things, but he's the only guy I've been with that I've loved, and wanted to be with in the long term. I'm happy enough being single though, as is he.

I'm sure we'll both still be single when the baby's born! Hehe.

[miss snoopy]

That's why you need to read the book - a relationship addict isn't someone addicted to dating etc. It's the way you behave in relationships. You only need one relationship for this stuff to emerge.

 

I only used the 3 month period as a time frame as that's the goal I set myself. Yes, do it for yourself not for your ex but I was thinking of eventual limited contact for your child's sake.

[Kamille]

Seems like he's happy to use me as someone to talk to when he's bored at work, or to sleep with, but his feelings have long since disappeared and when I start asking questions about what he feels or wants, he cuts me off.

 

 

Seems like he's a class act jerk. One day the dust around this very dramatic situation will settle and you will realize just how unfair his treatment of you is. And believe me, that day, you will be thankful this man is no longer a part of your life.

 

He is not only being a jerk to you, but to his own children as well.

 

Yet, you need to try and understand what it is that is keeping you addicted to the drama. It is clear that everytime you contact him, you are only going back for more drama. You know by now that nothing you say or do will make him change his mind. Is this drama serving any purpose in your life? Is it a way for you to avoid taking responsibility for your own actions? Is it masking a lack of self-esteem? Are you focusing on him because in a way it is a lot less scary then focusing on your pregnancy?

[Kamille]

A lot of what you said made sense, and yes he has said he hates me before (and even said he's get a restraining order out on me a couple of weeks ago, during an argument) then took it back a week or so later, he's also said he never wants to hear from me again and then we ended up talking.

To be honest though, I really don't want that sort of person in my, or my baby's, life. Even when we were together he seemed to use the words "it's over" as a tool to hurt me, then a few hours later when he'd calmed down he'd say he didn't mean it. Or, he'd drag up the past during arguments.

 

I'll go NC but do it to get over him; if I see him around and we get talking I won't ignore him - and if he eventually wants to be in the baby's life then fine, but it'll be on my terms - which means seeing this baby more regularly than he sees his youngest son (once at Christmas; the first time in 6 months, then nothing since).

I won't be giving it a specific time frame then trying to get back in touch (I don't think that's what you were suggesting anyway though, was it?)

 

I'm not a relationship kind of person...this ex has been my only 'proper' relationship - I've had short term things, but he's the only guy I've been with that I've loved, and wanted to be with in the long term. I'm happy enough being single though, as is he.

I'm sure we'll both still be single when the baby's born! Hehe.

 

Ouf, you were writing this as I was writing my post and I'm so glad to hear you take the focus away from him and bringing onto your baby's and your life. That is what you do have control over!

[alasia]

Yet, you need to try and understand what it is that is keeping you addicted to the drama. It is clear that everytime you contact him, you are only going back for more drama. You know by now that nothing you say or do will make him change his mind. Is this drama serving any purpose in your life? Is it a way for you to avoid taking responsibility for your own actions? Is it masking a lack of self-esteem? Are you focusing on him because in a way it is a lot less scary then focusing on your pregnancy?

 

The only reason I keep contacting him (in my mind), is because I wanted answers...I wanted him to tell me that he really did love me when he said he did, that he wasn't just stringing me along for the past month - oh hey! That's low self esteem isn't it?

Thinking I need his answers to validate myself, or something.

 

It was just so confusing, because one day he'd say he hated me, the next we'd be talking again, then I'd go and stay at his place and he'd say he had feelings...now he never wants to see me again.

My life has literally been revolving around him, which is totally unfair on the baby - and me.

 

I still want him to know how wrong he is and how he should be taking responsibility for his kids (he uses the excuse that his ex was happy on her own, but if he was a half decent father he'd be demanding to see the baby) but he's got his family telling him he's doen no wrong, so why would anything I say make a difference?

 

I know that now.

[Kamille]

The only reason I keep contacting him (in my mind), is because I wanted answers...I wanted him to tell me that he really did love me when he said he did, that he wasn't just stringing me along for the past month - oh hey! That's low self esteem isn't it?

Thinking I need his answers to validate myself, or something.

 

It was just so confusing, because one day he'd say he hated me, the next we'd be talking again, then I'd go and stay at his place and he'd say he had feelings...now he never wants to see me again.

My life has literally been revolving around him, which is totally unfair on the baby - and me.

 

I still want him to know how wrong he is and how he should be taking responsibility for his kids (he uses the excuse that his ex was happy on her own, but if he was a half decent father he'd be demanding to see the baby) but he's got his family telling him he's doen no wrong, so why would anything I say make a difference?

 

I know that now.

 

Yes, I know how that feels. I think most dumpees feel the need to be validated by the ex, if only because the break-up is a blow to our self-esteem. We want our exes to forgive us for what we feel were our mistakes and shortcomings in the relationship. We blame ourselves and think that if only we had done this and that different, our exes might still be there. We hang on to them, want to contact them in the hopes they will remember the part of us they fell in love with.

 

The thing is I believe that if you had been with the man of your life, you would not have been overly possessive, you would not have thrown tantrums because a man who truly loved you could never bear to see you that miserable. He would simply never let it happen. Do you know what I mean?

 

None of us can really get that validation we are looking from our exes. We need to rebuild our self-esteem all on our own. And you know what, that is a worthwhile journey. This is where NC becomes a very useful tool to regain perspective.

 

Think of every minute and every day that you don't contact him as you gaining more self-respect and control over the situation. Soon, it won't even matter to you what he or his family thinks because you will be the only one to define your own self-worth.

 

I really feel that if anything, you should commit to two weeks of NC to get a better perspective on the situation. I think you deserve better. I think, if anything, this is a good time for you to reflect on what a healthy loving relationship would feel like, to realize the extent to which what you and your ex have seems unhealthy.

[alasia]

What hurts is that he's calling me a stalker - and even told me on the phone yesterday that if I phoned him again, he'd call the police and get the calls logged; yet it was only on Tuesday and Wednesday that we slept together!

 

His family are calling me crazy or a stalker, because all they've heard from him is the reason we split (which was my fault and I did behave terribly), and that I keep phoning and texting, or going to see him.

 

What he doesn't mention is that everytime I've gone to see him on his bus, he's been happy for me to be there and chatted away happily, like we're best friends.

80% of those times, he also invited me back to his house and we slept together (which afterwards he'd say "you guilted me into it", but at the time it diidn't seem to take much arm twisting!)

 

In the past month (we first went on a break on 30th Dec and split up 'officially' around the 18th Jan) we've slept together at least 6-7 times and everytime, I've stayed over and we've cuddled up all night; and most times he said he couldn't have done it if he didn't have some feelings left for me because he doesn't do 'just sex'. That's what wwas confusing me and that's what hurts the most.

[Kamille]

Hi Alasia - how are you doing today? I saw you crack a joke about not dating bus drivers that really made me laugh.

 

It made me think you are starting to be able to put some perspective on the emotional turmoil you've been living.

 

All I can say is that you are so much better off without a man who can sleep with you one day and call you crazy and threaten you two days after.

 

It takes two to tango and it is too bad that he's too full of himself to realize it - but the only way for you to get him to realize it is to go through on your promise not to contact him. He obviously thinks he's the one who has control of the situation - a control you can gain back by walking away and never looking back! Everytime you contact him you only confirm he still has power over you. So NO CONTACT. You can do it. And if you run into him, a curt hello and that's it! You are doing this for yourself, so that you feel in control of yourself again.

 

Good luck. Anytime you feel like contacting him, write here instead.

[alasia]

I was handling it ok until about half an hour ago when I lost it. Been crying for about 10 minutes but they're tears of anger more than anything.

 

I ended up throwing my mobile phone at the wall (there's no one home and I did it to vent - I was going to throw that phone away anyway as I've got a new one). Hate doing things like that and I'm sure everyone will read this and think I can't control my temper, but it helped.

 

I just can't BELIEVE he's sitting there, going to the pub and getting on with his life without giving me or the way he's behaved - or more importyantly - our baby, a second thought. His family saying "oh yes Phil you're well shot of her" and patting him on the back.

 

He actually callled the baby - his unborn child - 'that brat' on the phone last night, just after he called my uncles (who've done nothing to him) names. I said I couldn't believe he'd just said it, and he said "well I don't know if it's mine, do I?" then told me to apply for child maintenance when it's born.

 

It's just so...sickening, and completely different to how I thought he was, and how he was acting only 5 days ago when I stayed over.

If he wanted just sex, he should have said that, and had the balls to admit to his family that I'd been staying over.

 

I mean FFS; last time I stayed over, he had to ask me what excuse he could use, because he was dropping me home in the car and his mum would see he was going in the opposite direction to the way he normally goes to work! He said "where shall I tell her I'm going" (and looked genuinely confused). I told him it's none of her business and to just say he was going out...but he obvious couldn't comprehend that notion!

 

This is a 44 year old MAN we're talking about don't forget, not a teenager!

 

So yes I am getting perspective; I'm still sad and wish we could have worked in the first place, or tried again, but I realise now what an idiot he's been - and as he's already got 3 kids he's not interested in seeing, I feel stupid for getting myself into this and believing that our baby would be any different!

 

Should have seen through his bull.

[RocketMan2]

I feel for you

 

He sounds like a complete idiot. You're better off without him.

 

 

Rocket

[alasia]

I know that now

 

You know, the ideal situation would be if in a few weeks, me and Phil got talking again. Just keeping it civil, not friends or anything.

 

Then I'd have the opportunity to explain (or show) that I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not lowering myself to throwing petty insults or slagging him off to my family, I'm just getting on with things.

 

I think that would get to him and that's the sweetest 'revenge' (for want of a better word) I could have.

 

I just hope he learns how to use a condom and doesn't get his next girlfriend pregnant.

[RocketMan2]

Im going to be honest with you, and i may come across harsh but i think you need it...

 

Then I'd have the opportunity to explain (or show) that I'm not hurt, I'm not angry, I'm not lowering myself to throwing petty insults or slagging him off to my family, I'm just getting on with things.

 

I think that would get to him and that's the sweetest 'revenge' (for want of a better word) I could have.

 

He won't understand. It will be a complete waste of time, resulting in a catastrophic backfire which can only result in more pain for you.

 

He sounds far to immature to even comprehend his actions.

 

Your best bet is just to get out of it ASAP. Who cares what his clearly equally immature family think of you? He needs to grow up.

 

NC him. Dont respond to his attempts to regain control over you. Showing him you're your own woman will be the best 'revenge'. Showing him that you dont need him.

 

 

Rocket

[alasia]

Yeah, you're right.

 

The only reason I've got this idea that we should be in some kind of contact is because he's the father of my baby. But then he's not interested in being a dad, so why should I waste any time on him?

 

But then his ex shows him she doesn't need him every day - we've seen her out with the baby so many times; she gets on his bus and says hello but that's it - and all he used to say to me about her was 'she's happier on her own' (either that or "she's nuts", which is what he's now saying about me) but he never seemed bothered that she was getting on with things without him.

I'm still at that stupid stage where I WANT him to be bothered.

 

But I know it'll never happen.

 

I'm not going to chase him, I'll get on with my life. If he tries to talk I won't blank him, but I won't be all matey with him either.

[Kamille]

 

He won't understand. It will be a complete waste of time, resulting in a catastrophic backfire which can only result in more pain for you.

 

He sounds far to immature to even comprehend his actions.

 

Your best bet is just to get out of it ASAP. Who cares what his clearly equally immature family think of you? He needs to grow up.

 

NC him. Dont respond to his attempts to regain control over you. Showing him you're your own woman will be the best 'revenge'. Showing him that you dont need him.

 

 

Rocket

 

I completely agree. Don't waste your time. Nothing you do or say will ever convince him to change his opinion of you because he seems to get off on feeling like 'the sane powerful' one. It is a power trip for him and I get the impression he will do anything to keep the upper hand. And he therefore won't be able to have an honest conversation with you.

 

He'll never be able to hear you out. Know what I mean? In order for two people to be able to communicate, the ground needs to be levelled. In your case, it's been twarped in his favour for some time now - and that's how he likes it. You just have to accept it, he won't hear you.

 

The best way to play a game like that is to withdraw from the game. Then he loses all power. And you regain control of your life, thoughts and emotions. You know that in the long run it doesn't matter what he and his family think of you. They will never be fair to you. But you don't need to explain yourself to them. You need to focus on forgiving yourself for the mistakes you've made in this relationship. It's the only forgiveness that matters. Then you can be ready to move on to something better.

 

Walk away.

[Kamille]

But then his ex shows him she doesn't need him every day - we've seen her out with the baby so many times; she gets on his bus and says hello but that's it - and all he used to say to me about her was 'she's happier on her own' (either that or "she's nuts", which is what he's now saying about me) but he never seemed bothered that she was getting on with things without him.

I'm still at that stupid stage where I WANT him to be bothered.

 

 

Oh i know that feeling! He sounds a bit too immature and insensitive to ever admit being bothered.

 

I personally believe you will get your moment if you focus on doing what is right for you. It's happened to me with all my past relationship. At one point, the ex, years after the break up, would show up and tell me how great I was and yes, in some instances, how much they regret that things didn't work out.

 

Find your own strenghts and focus on them.