No Contact

[alasia]

Hi, wasn't sure where to post this or what to put as the thread title...but I was just thinking about the NC thing.

 

Me and my ex have agreed to go NC for a while; but I was under the impression that usually with NC, one part of the couple implements it and the other either follows it, or doesn't.

 

I suppose he did implement it in the sense that he said he needs a break from seeing me for a while, but he hasn't actually said "don't contact me".

 

I want to go NC too for my own sanity, but I don't think he realises that.

Maybe he's thinking I'm only doing NC 'for him' and I'm hating every second...which kind of gives him the 'control' in this situation; the ball's in his court and he probably thinks I'm waiting around for him to contact me.

It's hard to explain, but I want him to know that I don't want to contact him, not that I'm only going NC because he's asked me not to...does that make any sense?!

 

We spoke yesterday (which is when we agreed to go NC) and I told him that from now on, he won't hear from me. At least for a few weeks.

I told him I'm going to stay with my sister (at the other end of the country) for a week or so, although he doesn't believe I'll actually go.

He also said I won't do the NC thing; that I'll still be phoning or texting him. He's unbelievably arrogant!

I said I'm doing it for myself as much as for him; I want to give him space, but more importantly I also want to get my own head together and move on from him as quickly as possible, and the only way I can do it is by cutting all contact for a while.

 

When we met last night, he started off by saying he's got a new phone, won't be keeping my number and I won't be getting his.

He's also sold his old phone to a friend, so it felt like he ws making a point of saying I won't be able to contact him (although he did say "you know where I live", as if he was expecting me to go round there!).

It hurt, but we ended up getting on well and chatting like we usually do.

 

When we got back to where I was due to get off, he said "you know I can't text you back, don't you? Because I haven't got any credit on my old phone. Unless I text you on my new number..." I said I knew that, and that I also knew he wouldn't have his old number for long, so I wouldn't be contacting him again. Then I left.

 

I sent one (supposed to be final) text when he'd driven off, saying that I'd always have feelings for him but won't contact him again and I wasn't expecting to hear from him.

 

At the time, it seemed like a good thing to say but when I got home, I realised I'd just given him back all the control!

Now he knew exactly how I still felt...so (stupidly!) I sent another text, telling him to ignore my last message; of course I wouldn't always have feelings; that was a stupid thing to say and hopefully by the time I get back from my sister's place, I'll have moved on and got over him completely. Then I said it was my last text and told him to take care.

 

I got a reply almost straight away from my ex on his new phone, saying "this is my new number. Shouldn't, but don't always ring or keep texting me".

 

I have no idea why he gave me his new number, but I texted back saying "it's ok I don't want it. Better this way, at least for a few weeks. Take care".

I wish I hadn't put the 'at least for a few weeks' bit on there, but I was quite proud of myself that I sent it, and then deleted both his old number and the text message with his new number from my phone.

I admit, I was slightly weak and wrote his new number down in the back of my diary; but that's in case of emergency only (baby stuff).

 

I felt sort of empowered when I sent that text and was fine with deleting his numbers. He hasn't contacted me yet (hopefully he won't) and I haven't had the urge to get in touch with him at all; then again, it has only been about 15 hours since we last spoke!

 

So what I'm asking, is about me regaining the control in this situation; at the moment it seems like I'm doing everything he asks like a little lost puppy. I want him to know I'm fine with the NC thing and am doing it for myself, not just for him.

 

How do I let him know that?

[curiousnycgirl]

It doesn't matter if he knows - it's important that YOU know you have taken back control. It's all about YOU healing yourself. Just do it.

 

Do not contact him - no more texts, no more nothing. It's done. If/When he contacts you again - and perhaps he will, perhaps he won't - you can then see where you are in your life and how you feel about it and act accordingly.

[Teacher's Pet]

He sounds like a jerk. No one goes NC for the other person's benefit.

 

It's part of the healing process for YOU. If he thinks you are doing him a favor, forget it. You are doing YOURSELF a favor by clearing your head from him, and frankly, punishing him by denying him your time.

 

You sound like a sweet person, NC will make him realize it. For your sake, by the time he realizes what he's missing, you will have found someone more deserving.

 

Throughout this whole thing, it sounds like he's almost enjoying the "power" he thinks he has.....

 

Prove him wrong.

 

-tp

you go, girlfriend!

[alasia]

Oh, no I was horrible to him....I'm not sweet at all. Read my previous posts if you don't believe me.

 

But it does seem like he's enjoying the 'hold' he has (or like you said; thinks he has).

 

I'm dying to contact him to say I don't want to see him ever again or something like that...but then that's breaking NC and would be pointless anyway! Kind of childish.

[lovelorcet]

*agrees with tp*

[Dubb]

I am in sort of the same situation. I was put on a break. It' almost like they enjoy it. Looking back I made mistakes but O well I will learn from them. The last convo I had with my ex I asked her to tell me how she felt and what she was thinking. I even told her I could handle what she said. I got a I don't want to talk about us. Anyone care to explain that answer for me? I still have no idea how she feels but she knows how I feel. Use NC b/c eventually they will wonder how you feel if they really care. Move on during that time. I plan to.

[alasia]

The last convo I had with my ex I asked her to tell me how she felt and what she was thinking. I even told her I could handle what she said. I got a I don't want to talk about us. Anyone care to explain that answer for me?

 

I'm not really in a place to answer your question, but personally I'd take "I don't want to talk about us" as "I don't feel that way about you anymore".

 

I'm probably wrong, but all I've got from my ex lately when I've been trying to talk about 'us' or his feelings, is him saying he doesn't want to talk about it. Could be that it's too painful for him to talk about it at the moment, and he isn't quite over me/the relationship yet; but more than likely I'd say he's just sure he's over me and he just doesn't want to talk about it because in his mind, our relationship is history and totally over with. Kind of, not worth talking about if you see what I mean.

 

Course I could be wrong and obviously I don't know your ex

[Dubb]

I'm not really in a place to answer your question, but personally I'd take "I don't want to talk about us" as "I don't feel that way about you anymore".

 

I'm probably wrong, but all I've got from my ex lately when I've been trying to talk about 'us' or his feelings, is him saying he doesn't want to talk about it. Could be that it's too painful for him to talk about it at the moment, and he isn't quite over me/the relationship yet; but more than likely I'd say he's just sure he's over me and he just doesn't want to talk about it because in his mind, our relationship is history and totally over with. Kind of, not worth talking about if you see what I mean.

 

Course I could be wrong and obviously I don't know your ex

 

Who knows, I guess we are both stuck. I have no idea why they just can't come out and say it's over. My ex came back after a month of our break up and told me she still missed me and needed more time. I also got you're the best BF i have ever had. Two days later she said she didn't want to talk about us. I got the same thing about 3 weeks after that. I put the ball in her hands and I plan to just focus on me. I hope you do the same.

[notmakingsense]

It sounds like both of you are treating this as some sort of game of power and control. There is very little information in your post about whether or not you want to be with him or not.

 

If you do want him back, silence is best, because as long as you contact him in any way, he won't be given the gift of missing you. You also need the time without contact to heal and begin to focus on other things.

 

If you don't want him back, make sure he knows it (sounds like you already have), then go no contact so as to not give him any impression that you believe otherwise.

[alasia]

The honest answer is I don't know.

 

I still care about him, my instinct is to say I love him but I don't know whether it IS love anymore.

 

I'm physically attracted to him, miss talking to him and being around him, whenever I've stayed at his place (the last time I did that was on Wednesday) I haven't wanted to go home the next day and more than anything I'd love things to go back to how they were before; when I was living with him and although I was bored at times, I loved it.

 

I miss the little things, like being in bed at night and hearing him come home from work and talk (loudly!) to our pets, or him playing with the cat, going to the pub with him and his friends on a Sunday afternoon...even going on boring food-shopping trips with him and his mum!

 

On the other hand, he's been horrible to me since we split up.

He's happy to talk to me sometimes and everytime we meet up we get on so well, but if we have a slight row he'll say something about my baby not being his, or that I'll have to claim child support (to me, using the baby as a weapon against me is beyond low), he doesn't seem that interested in the fact I'm pregnant, he lets his family say bad stuff about me (although he also says he does stick up for me a lot of the time) and even when we were together he was sooo insecure and quite inconsiderate towards my feelings at times. He also keeps saying that whenever he's said stuff like "I do miss you, you know, and I think about you quite a lot" or "I do have some feelings for you", "I do want to get back together eventually", I'm just taking it the wrong way and he's not leading me on at all.

 

I'm not sure if we'd work as a couple anymore, but the good times we had make me want to try it, take it very slowly and see how we get on.

 

Deep down I think he hasn't wanted to get back together for a while; a week after he instigated the break, he told me he still loved me and wanted me in his life and since then he's been so up and down; one day saying he still has "some" feelings for me (he says doesn't love me anymore) and he "doesn't know" if he wants to get back together - or that he "can't at the moment", then the next he's telling me to leave him alone and that we'll never get back together!

 

I mean ok, I have been very full-on; I've contacted him pretty much every day for the past month...apart from a week at the start of the break and the odd couple of days here and there, so maybe he genuinely does feel crowded.

Plus his family don't want us to get back together and I'm pregnant - and I did hurt him badly, even while we've been on the break I've messed up and hurt him again.

 

I suppose he genuinely could be confused, but I get the feeling he's just messing me around and enjoying the power trip he's getting from it.

 

I lied to him about something recently and last night, I said something like I didn't think he ever considered getting back with me. he said "I didn't know...I still don't". Then quickly checked himself and said "well I do now, after you lied to me".

Either he is still unsure, or he just said that to get me thinking...

[notmakingsense]

It sounds like there is enough pain/emotion/turmoil in this relationship that the two of you should split. Maybe permanently, maybe not, but definitely for a while. It is time for you to focus on yourself and your pregnancy and learning how to create a happy and stable environment for your child that does NOT involve needing another man.

 

Drama has no place in your life now. I wouldn't focus at all on trying to be in a relationship with anyone, but instead focus on your friends, family, and getting everything in order for you to be supporting your child.

 

The time apart (yes, you should be going no-contact) will allow you time to think about the type of man you really think compliments your personality, and it will give your ex time to think about the same thing. If, at some point in the future, you two decide to explore things together again -- it needs to be a fresh start, free of any past baggage and drama. Only time apart will give you a chance at that fresh start.

[alasia]

I agree.

 

We'd have to start with a clean slate, but I don't think he could do that.

 

he keeps using his family as an excuse, ok I messed up big-style, but I kind of expected him to get back with me and stand by me to face his family.

 

Then again, maybe I was asking too much.

 

The only thing that confuses me is how up and down he's been; surely he either has feelings or doesn't?

[alasia]

Ohh...it's only been a day and this NC thing is killing me.

 

I keep thinking about that last text my ex sent me, where he gave me his new number but said not to always ring or keep texting him.

 

I replied saying I didn't want the number and it was better that way, but I can't help wondering how he felt when he read it; did he feel relieved, or embarrassed, or upset?

 

Probably relieved...

 

And before anyone says it, I know it shouldn't matter what he thinks. I know I should just forget about him but it's not that easy.

[Am4Real]

Ohh...it's only been a day and this NC thing is killing me.

 

I keep thinking about that last text my ex sent me, where he gave me his new number but said not to always ring or keep texting him.

 

I replied saying I didn't want the number and it was better that way, but I can't help wondering how he felt when he read it; did he feel relieved, or embarrassed, or upset?

 

Probably relieved...

 

And before anyone says it, I know it shouldn't matter what he thinks. I know I should just forget about him but it's not that easy.

 

Hello Alasia,

 

We all know how difficult NC is; this is my second round with the same person. The first time was not even official, we took a break sort of and this one is the second and “official” time. This NC was at my request. We are both honoring it.

 

Our reasons are not important or reflective on yours; your and mine similarities have to deal with a change in/with someone who was significant in our lives. Again in my case, NC is meant for healing and although she has told me she one day “envisions the two of us together”, it is not something that I would hold out for and as time passes by it is not likely she would have that mental picture any longer. Therefore, NC is in place for healing, for moving on. It’s a challenge, no doubt, I even had a similar TEXT exchange (what did we do before there was texting anyway?) during our final goodbye conversation, but that too was last and final.

 

Alasia, you have to know what you really want because if you are hoping for reconciliation, this NC time is going to be difficult for you. If you believe the two of you were never the ones, stay focused on NC and you will progress. Good luck…

[alasia]

I know what I want; him.

 

Had a really bad day today and ended up texting him a really long and soppy text, to which he replied and asked me to delete his number. The full story is posted in the breakups forum, I think.

 

He's now sure he doesn't ever want to see me again, so all I can do is continue NC to move on, not to win him back.

[Am4Real]

 

Alasia, you have to know what you really want because if you are hoping for reconciliation, this NC time is going to be difficult for you. If you believe the two of you were never the ones, stay focused on NC and you will progress. Good luck…

 

I know what I want; him.

 

Had a really bad day today and ended up texting him a really long and soppy text, to which he replied and asked me to delete his number. The full story is posted in the breakups forum, I think.

 

He's now sure he doesn't ever want to see me again, so all I can do is continue NC to move on, not to win him back.

 

Hello Alasia,

 

I’m so sorry to hear you are having a bad day {{hugs}} and {{hugs again}}.

 

I’m also sure you realize now that as soon as you sent that text page you gave him full control over you, you lost yourself and are likely back at the starting point. That’s okay, we have done thins before at some point in a past breakup. Now that you realize it and he has told you how he feels and what he wants or better said doesn’t want, use this forum and all of us for anything you want to share. We will do our best to lend you our stories, our methods for dealing with these things and most of all our support.

 

Start now as a new day, a new beginning, look ahead…I know it’s hard but read through many of the posts and other web sites for methods of dealing with a breakup or rejection or moving on. Go ahead…start today.

 

Wishing you all the best,

 

Am4Real

[suchislife]

You have a child with him. You will be in contact until the child is an adult, unless he gives up custodial rights. He will have to pay child support. Sorry, that's the way it works, unless you don't live in the U.S. You may have to do the paternity test thing. Do it. You are responsible for another human being. What you put into it is what you will get out of it.

 

You should be putting all of your energy into your child and its wellbeing, and your own wellbeing.

 

Stop the game playing. It's immature and beneath you. Get an attorney and file for support. Get your finances in order. Concentrate on job security.

 

If I was in a relationship and someone questioned the paternity of OUR child, I would tell him to eat sh** and die. And then, prove him wrong. ( I know a lot of times there is a legitimate question because people can and do lie about this, but, believe it or not, sometimes people tell the truth. If there is a question, absolutely, get the test done.)

 

Stop whirling. You can't just think about your own needs anymore.

[alasia]

I live in the UK, so he can just decide he doesn't want to see the baby and I can't do anything about it.

 

I can apply for child support and he's said he'll apply for it himself. It will come straight out of his wages, but to me getting £30 a week taken from him isn't what I want.

I'm not interested in his money, I want him involved in the baby's life.

 

He saw his other child until the baby was 6 months old, and since then has seen him once - on christmas day.

I don't want that, I either want him to see the baby regularly and be properly involved in it's upbringing, or for him not to see the child at all.

 

He knows he's the only person I've ever slept with, and is just saying the stuff about paternity testing to get to me. And it's working, but I'll do it just to prove I'm telling the truth.

 

What annoys me is the fact he's telling everyone he knows that I'm crazy or whatever, when he's got two women in a row pregnant, left them and called them psycho! His family and friends aren't telling him to take responsibility, they're just all thinking badly of me.

 

And that's what I can't get my head around.

[suchislife]

You sound like a really nice person and I am sorry you are having this difficulty.

 

You cannot MAKE him be involved. His family isn't telling him to be responsible becaure THEY aren't.

 

You WILL need the money.

 

The truth comes out in the end. Who cares what he's saying? Actions speak louder than words.

 

It will take everything you have to take of yourself and this baby. Do not think of anything else.

 

You don't have to get your head around anything. You already know the answer. Stop expending energy. You will have a good life, but only if you make the right decisions, starting now.

 

You can't MAKE anyone do anything.

 

Take care,

[alasia]

Well. I just phoned him.

 

I know I shouldn't have done, but I wanted his honest opinion on whether or not he'd want to be involved with the baby. All he kept saying was he doesn't want anything more to do with me, that when the baby's born I should apply for child maintenence and even said he doesn't want to see me on his bus. And he's getting a new sim card for his mobile tomorrow; if I contact him again he'll call the police and get his calls logged.

 

He even said his family think I'm crazy, he thinks I'm mad and he even stooped so low as to say he could tell what I was like because of my uncles. I asked what he meant and he said "I saw them at christmas, remember?". There was no need for that, they did nothing to him...

 

I just feel so disappointed...I just can't believe he could be so cruel.

 

I asked if his last ex (Michelle, who had his baby) tried to get him to be involved and then gave up, and he said "she never bothered - she was happy being on her own and already had a daughter anyway. She wasn't as nuts as you".

 

Now I need to move on, but I'm worried I'll see him around day (I'll have to catch his bus sometime) and he'll think I'm stalking him again!

[miss snoopy]

Oh dear. I know that urge to contact, contact, contact... think of it as a drug like cocaine - you know it's wrong, unhealthy, only gives short term relief, yet we do it. We're addicted to the relationship. We're relationship addicts, no different to junkies.

 

There are some very good books aboit obsessive love and control in relationships. I don't have them to hand but they're excellent. I read them but unfortunately had this idea of contact after 3 months in my head so nothing anyone said was going to make me not break contact. Now I know it's over, I will read them again and I feel you should. You're doing something I always do, bringing up exes and comparing and I know people hate that as it's their relationship, nothing to do with us.

 

You now have no choice but to be really strict with NC. In my case he hasn't asked me to stay away, but just reading your thread illustrates just what happens when one crosses the very fine line.

 

You feel you love him, but I suspect like a lot of us you're obsessed and addicted, not in love. Addicted to the control you once had over another human being. Fearful of abandonment. Anyone who evinces stalkerish tendencies falls into that category 9 times out of 10. Our loss of control drives the lashing out, the stalking behaviour, the inability to let go, the failure to respect other people's boundaries, our use of seduction to control them - we use anything that worked in the past. For e.g I sent 2 pics in an email to my ex to push those buttons, but I guess he knows me well enough to know what I'm doing.

 

Say "restraining order - criminal record - no job prospects - my child's mother will be a criminal" or things along these lines when you get the urge to contact him. Think of your unborn child. He obviously doesn't care about him/her (his previous behaviour suggests that) so remove him from the picture for the time being. Pretend he's dead. Bury him tonight.

[lorr]

I hope for once and for all that you take what he says seriously! In England they are taking domestic issues seriously, and its not worth you getting a restraining order and a criminal record.

 

Do him and yourself a favour and leave him alone. From reading your posts you really do have an unhealthy obsession towards him and you need to take the first step of trying to sort yourself out.

[alasia]

I will leave him alone.

 

It's just the fact that on Tuesday and Wednesday we slept together, Thursday he said he still wanted to be friends (although I realise now that he was probably just trying to be polite) and even on Friday he was happy to chat to me.

 

Seems like he's happy to use me as someone to talk to when he's bored at work, or to sleep with, but his feelings have long since disappeared and when I start asking questions about what he feels or wants, he cuts me off.

 

Stupidly enough, I'm more worried that his family and friends think he's a saint and I'm psycho, and they've never once told him to accept responsibility for any of his children. That's what annoys/upsets me, but I know I need to focus on myself and not what his family think of me!

 

After all I'm not going to see them again, am I?

[lorr]

Definitely the most sensible thing you've said so far. I have to agree with you when you say that he's using you and him sprouting all that bull****out of being polite.

As long as you heed his warning and stay out of his way and not contact him, then you should not worry about what his family and friend think of you.

Just move on now and focus on you and your unborn child.

[alasia]

I will. It just gets to me that he hates me now and never wants to see me again.

 

If I'd have given him the break he wanted back at the start of January maybe we wouldn't have ended up like this...but then again maybe we would.

 

He's been just as much to blame (I was taking stuff he said the wrong way and being slightly stalker like, but he was also coming out with a load of bull to keep me hanging on, IMO) so we probably never would have worked.

 

I still hope that one day we'll be able to get back in touch - he got back in touch with the ex that had his baby after 6 months of not seeing her, but then although he called her crazy as well, he now says I'm way worse than she was! And I kind of had to push him towards getting back in touch with her.

 

Oh whatever...he's not worth it.