Did you tell the truth?

[Guest]

I am not sitting here in judgement of anyone, I am genuinely looking for advice from OWs who have been in this situation.

 

D Day arrived for us recently ( I am a BS ) and I called the OW ( for a chat, not a screaming match ) and she denied ever sleeping with him. They are close friends apparently. He told me the same thing. My instincts tell me differently. I am beyond confused.

 

My question is - When confronted did you tell the BS the truth? Would you? Or would you try and protect the H?

 

Thank you!

[BurriedAlive]

I guess it depends on the status of the affair. My R has beeen going on for 10 months. For the first 6 months, it was all about infatuation, sex & fantasy. I would have lied at all costs. For the past 3 months it's been nothing but hurt & anger and if I was ever asked by W, I would in all likelyhood spill the beans.

[Can'tGiveUp]

I have been NC for more than a month. We never had a Dday - though he was accused.

 

I would deny any involvement with him if she called. The ramifications are that he would lose his children. I would never do that to him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think it would be safe to say that you could bet a large amount of money that there is more than just "friends" going on. As long as there is any chance of the affair continuing, you will continue to get the old "friends" line from both of them.

 

I have heard it time and again: advice given to the OW upon Dday is "lie and deny".

 

How else can they protect what they have with the MM? The truth only tends to come out when its apparent that the MM throws the OW under the bus, so to speak and makes it clear that he is going to remain married. Then, it suddenly becomes very important for "the wife to know the truth".

[GreenEyedLady]

My question is - Would you? Or would you try and protect the H? Thank you!

 

I would not lie...I have been lied to myself and it hurts...but I wouldn't just give up the information either...I'd tell her to ask her H...

 

As for protecting him, he's a big boy and he can take care of himself...I'll protect myself, because if/when Dday happens, neither of them will be looking out for me...

[Island Girl]

I didn't lie. But unfortunately that does not seem to be the norm.

 

I think most women would protect the MM.

 

Several of my acquaintances have stated as much to me in passing. Either from their current relationships, those in the past, or the thought of it ever happening.

[frannie]

How else can they protect what they have with the MM? The truth only tends to come out when its apparent that the MM throws the OW under the bus, so to speak and makes it clear that he is going to remain married. Then, it suddenly becomes very important for "the wife to know the truth".

 

Exactly. In other words, the OW would do whatever they thought was in their own best interests. Why would anyone think otherwise..?

 

On the other hand, outright lying isn't something I like, so:

 

At the moment I'd do what GEL said: I'd not deny or confirm anything. I'd tell her to speak to her husband about it.

[Guest]

Exactly. In other words, the OW would do whatever they thought was in their own best interests. Why would anyone think otherwise..?

 

On the other hand, outright lying isn't something I like, so:

 

At the moment I'd do what GEL said: I'd not deny or confirm anything. I'd tell her to speak to her husband about it.

 

Thank you for your honesty. I dont believe that a friend would be "secret" - and the text message I read certainly wasnt from one friend to another. I have told him that he either tells me the truth, or he leaves. The truth means I can make an informed decision. Further lies now they are busted are just cruel. I wont ask the OW anymore because judging frim the replies you have given, she probably wont tell me anything.

 

What surprises me is that I have not automatically packed his bags. Am I weak?? And it also surprises me that the OW hasnt taken the opportunity to spill and hasten a possible break up. I dont think he knows which of us he wants.

 

HE CANT HAVE US BOTH!!!!!

 

Thanks again.

[YoMomma]

I am not sitting here in judgement of anyone, I am genuinely looking for advice from OWs who have been in this situation.

 

D Day arrived for us recently ( I am a BS ) and I called the OW ( for a chat, not a screaming match ) and she denied ever sleeping with him. They are close friends apparently. He told me the same thing. My instincts tell me differently. I am beyond confused.

 

My question is - When confronted did you tell the BS the truth? Would you? Or would you try and protect the H?

 

Thank you!

 

When DD arrived, I asked exMM what he told her - only becuase I was curious about how far he would lie about us! She never contacted me, but if she had I would have told her everything, because I am sure he painted a totally different picture - if you know what I mean. Just like any MM that gets caught, they will say and do anything to protect themselves!

[mopar crazy]

Not an OW here but a BW. I also called my H OW and asked her what was going on between her and my H. The first thing she did was laugh! She said nothing was going on between her and my H, they were just friends (the classic line). She continued to laugh about it and asked me why the rumors of her and my H having and not another female co-worker.

 

I called her about three times in the course of H saying he wanted a D up until a month later. She denied each and every time there was anything going on.

 

I had to stop contacting her b/c my H's lawyer gave my lawyer a letter stating there was no inappropriate behavior going on between them and if I make any contact w/ OW she would take legal actions. H even lied to his own lawyer! They will lie to anyone as long as it doesn't hurt them.

 

Sorry you found yourself in this spot, it hurts like hell.

[frannie]

I had to stop contacting her b/c my H's lawyer gave my lawyer a letter stating there was no inappropriate behavior going on between them and if I make any contact w/ OW she would take legal actions. H even lied to his own lawyer! They will lie to anyone as long as it doesn't hurt them.

 

Sorry you found yourself in this spot, it hurts like hell.

 

I'm sorry for all that you had to go through, and for using your post to make my own selfish point here. Please forgive me for that.

 

But how can people believe that figure about the percentages of people who end up with their affair partner, when it's OBVIOUS that people WILL lie about this? No one has any figures on it, because no one wants to admit it. No one really wants to admit to an affair during a divorce, and no one wants to admit that their marriage started as an affair. No one.

 

So forget those figures. They're based on nothing.

[mopar crazy]

I'm sorry for all that you had to go through, and for using your post to make my own selfish point here. Please forgive me for that.

 

But how can people believe that figure about the percentages of people who end up with their affair partner, when it's OBVIOUS that people WILL lie about this? No one has any figures on it, because no one wants to admit it. No one really wants to admit to an affair during a divorce, and no one wants to admit that their marriage started as an affair. No one.

 

 

So forget those figures. They're based on nothing.

 

 

Thanks frannie and NP for using my post. I have to agree w/ what you also said.

 

My ? is (and I hope someone can answer this) WHY lie? If you are getting out of your M, starting life w/ someone new why lie about the R? Is it b/c family and friends may loose respect for you b/c your R started out as EMA? If that is the case I'm sure it wouldn't last long if they could that you were happy w/ your new R. I guess I just don't understand why lie?

 

Frannie, one thing I didn't mention as that my WH did come back to me. About a month later after I moved out of town w/ our children he called and admitted to the A. When I asked him why he was admitting to it he said he couldn't lie to me anymore. He loved me, missed me, realized what he had lost, and wanted the M to work. I didn't tell him I would try to work on the M until several weeks of thinking. We were seperated from each other for about 6 months b4 he moved in w/ me. He broke up w/ the OW b4 I said I would work on the M. I told him if he really wanted to make the M he would end the R w/ her while I thought about what I wanted to do.

[frannie]

ThaWHY lie? If you are getting out of your M, starting life w/ someone new why lie about the R? Is it b/c family and friends may loose respect for you b/c your R started out as EMA? If that is the case I'm sure it wouldn't last long if they could that you were happy w/ your new R. I guess I just don't understand why lie?

 

People just aren't that happy with the whole affair situation. Falling in love, and doing something about it, while you are married to someone else is not an OK thing to do. Why admit to it..? There are a million reasons for not admitting it. Because it's what the scum of the earth do, yeah..? So... let's keep hiding it and pretending we're not one of them.

[suchislife]

IMHO, just let the whole thing go. It doesn't matter who lies about what. If you have to lie, you are doing something wrong. Period.

 

So, either fix it for yourself, or stop, whatever. I feel sorry for anyone who hurts like this, and it is really, really hard to be alone, and, I know it is hard when you are attracted to someone, but, it's ugly. All of it. And, that's what you get to carry with you.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Just try to think about what is really going to be best for you.

 

I too, will never understand why people lie, but you can't worry about it now.

 

Take care.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Thanks frannie and NP for using my post. I have to agree w/ what you also said.

 

My ? is (and I hope someone can answer this) WHY lie? If you are getting out of your M, starting life w/ someone new why lie about the R? Is it b/c family and friends may loose respect for you b/c your R started out as EMA? If that is the case I'm sure it wouldn't last long if they could that you were happy w/ your new R. I guess I just don't understand why lie?

 

Frannie, one thing I didn't mention as that my WH did come back to me. About a month later after I moved out of town w/ our children he called and admitted to the A. When I asked him why he was admitting to it he said he couldn't lie to me anymore. He loved me, missed me, realized what he had lost, and wanted the M to work. I didn't tell him I would try to work on the M until several weeks of thinking. We were seperated from each other for about 6 months b4 he moved in w/ me. He broke up w/ the OW b4 I said I would work on the M. I told him if he really wanted to make the M he would end the R w/ her while I thought about what I wanted to do.

 

When contacted by BW, I lied and lied and lied. The main reason for this was firstly, I was loyal to MM. It was his choice what he told her about the A and I stood by what he told her.

 

The reasons why he lied? Firstly, to remain the "good guy" with BW, kids, family, friends, aquiaintances. Secondly, he did not want to admit to an A as he felt this put him in a very bad bargaining position regarding ending the M. Lastly, I think at the time it was a reflex reaction - his BW was (understandably) enraged about him being in a EA - he was scared of the consequences if she found out about a PA.

 

I'm not proud of lying to her though, it's something I feel the most shame about.

[Topper]

Hmmm people are ashamed about lying OK I buy that. Then why aren't you ashamed for sleeping with someone who is married? No judgment being passed here I just find this line of logic perplexing. We do live in an odd time.

Any wife who hears the phrase ask your husband has her answer. If you are going to say that then you might as well say yes we are having an affair.

[frannie]

Hmmm people are ashamed about lying OK I buy that. Then why aren't you ashamed for sleeping with someone who is married? No judgment being passed here I just find this line of logic perplexing. We do live in an odd time.

Any wife who hears the phrase ask your husband has her answer. If you are going to say that then you might as well say yes we are having an affair.

 

I don't want to lie, and I won't.

 

Sleeping with someone who is married is another matter.

 

And yes, I agree, saying to someone, 'ask your husband' is a tacit acknowledgement that sex or whatever has taken place.

 

I don't want to lie. But I am having an affair. How that fits into anyone's system of morality (in order to categorise me) is up to them.

[mopar crazy]

If WH xOW would of told me " You need to talk to your H about that." or something similiar then that would of given me the answer right there. I had no idea they were having an A. All I knew was what I heard from friends. I guess hearing it from them wasn't good enough, I needed to hear the truth from H or the OW.

[frannie]

If WH xOW would of told me " You need to talk to your H about that." or something similiar then that would of given me the answer right there. I had no idea they were having an A. All I knew was what I heard from friends. I guess hearing it from them wasn't good enough, I needed to hear the truth from H or the OW.

 

Well there you go. I suppose my response to her would tell her all she needed to now. So be it.

[Babybird]

I'd lie. It's not my place to tell. It's his. His marriage, his infidelity, his decision.

 

As far as happy endings go, on http://www.mensuff.org they had statistics on this stuff.

 

3% of 4100 men ended up marrying the OW.

75% of those marriages ended in divorce.

50% of affairs last more than a month and less than a year.

40% last 2 plus years.

At least one partner will have an A in 80% of marriages. WOW

 

 

Humans are NOT monogamous by nature (on the website and I firmly believe that).

 

Here's one happy ending: A guy that I work left his wife after being married for 23 years for the OW. Before he left they(MM/OW) had never had sex.(if you don't believe that it's because he couldn't...) The relationship was confused with lust or based all on sex like most say A's are. They're getting married in October.

 

Here's a not so happy one: My sister cheated on her 1st husband with a guy she worked with. She left and ended marrying the guy. They were divorced 3 years later because he cheated on her.

[pureinheart]

I would not lie...I have been lied to myself and it hurts...but I wouldn't just give up the information either...I'd tell her to ask her H...

 

As for protecting him, he's a big boy and he can take care of himself...I'll protect myself, because if/when Dday happens, neither of them will be looking out for me...

 

Totally agree with GEL....

 

 

In my opinion some BW's become obsessed, asking obsessive questions, some of the questions are very intrusive and none of their business....personally I don't think the WH has the right to answer such questions either, especially if they are extremely personal concerning OW.

 

Some things are best left unsaid and unanswered....the normal questions should be answered by WH, such as "do you love her", are you still in love with her?"....these are questions that help the BW know where she stands.

 

To the original poster, there is a possibility that they did not have sex....that was the situation in my case....I commend you for your maturity and wisdom....

 

Some BW's feel they have the right to be unbecoming....no one has that right to anyone, to communicate hurt is good, although it is not natural to blame the OW for everything wrong with the M....

[outofdarkness]

I am not sitting here in judgement of anyone, I am genuinely looking for advice from OWs who have been in this situation.

 

D Day arrived for us recently ( I am a BS ) and I called the OW ( for a chat, not a screaming match ) and she denied ever sleeping with him. They are close friends apparently. He told me the same thing. My instincts tell me differently. I am beyond confused.

 

My question is - When confronted did you tell the BS the truth? Would you? Or would you try and protect the H?

 

Thank you!

Here's my take on it...Many of u already are familiar, at least some, with my story. My H had one main A for 10 years, with multiple inbetween. First, I was in the car with him 2 and 1/2 years ago, when a woman called on his cell and I knew in a heatbeat as I could hear her greeting and voice, that it was NOT a business call. When I asked him, he told me it was a male coworker with a very high pitched voice. When pushed, things had been very strange with him for a number of months, he finally admitted that he had a "friendship, you know..lunches, etc..., with her. I believed him, and I did call her. She denied it too, but did admit to me that they had known one another for years and started out having coffee before work, etc. He also told me that she was an attorney. I never even got her real name, but I did find out where she lived through cell phone records, travel iteneraries, etc. To this day..he denies that he ever even met her in person. He did finally admit, as did she, that they had phone s-- alot, but as I said, to this day, he still says that was the extent of it. I am convinced that he was ready to leave me prior to this phone call, and that the phone call might have even been planned, as he knew I was picking him up at his office that day and time to pick up a rental for a business trip and that our kids were leaving for camp for five weeks the very next day. THAT was just the tip of the iceberg...I fell apart and in turn bought all of his lies...I fell right back into his arms after years of no affection, s--, etc...This went on for around three weeks, at which time I received a letter in the mail from the main OW, a different OW from the phone call OW...It stated that they been seeing one another for 10 years, that she had cried buckets of tears over our son's illness, had deep feelings for each other and that she was a part of our family. It was supposedly from "a friend of hers", but I am sure it was her. It also stated that she did not know what had transpired over the past couple of weeks but this woman had been devastated by his latest actions. I knew right away that this was NOT the same woman who had called him that day previously. Lastly, she gave me her phone # and told me to call and compare notes....I did, of course, after I had summoned my H home to shove the letter up his nose and force him to admit it. She told me the same thing that I suppose they had rehearsed for 10 years, that there had been no actual intercouse, only oral...Somehow, my H informed me, he had felt that he was not actually committing adultery in the legal sense, if it was just oral. She also told me every intimate detail about my life, our children's lives, my Mother and sister's lives and my dog's life. She answered many questions that I am sure he did not intend her to answer, but she was understandably angry when I had to inform her that I had found out that he had been unfaithful, but not with her initially. She said "Boy, that's pretty bad, for the cheat to cheat on the OW"..I agreed. To this day, he still insists that the s-- was only oral, as if this makes it ok...Much of their time together was spent with our children, as they met when they were just one and two, on outings, her babysitting, etc...They were obviously very close, and no, I do NOT believe that there were no feelings involved on his part; although he insists to this day that it was all to get her to give him what he wanted, and that they had an agreement. He gave her what she wanted and she have him what he wanted...I assume it was financial on his part...

 

So, in summary, I believe that I was told partial truth by the main OW, and total lies by the phone OW. There were many others that I know of but never met and don't want to meet. It's the same old story from all of them. The only one that I can honestly say was half way respectful to me, and as I said there were only two that I spoke with, was the main OW...The phone OW was rude, degrading and belittling. Apparently, when the main OW somehow got her phone #, or e mail, THEY compared notes, and the main OW called me to let me know that she had told this woman to stay away from us and that she was crazy and had been told very disturbing and untrue things about myself and our children. I firmly believe that the phone OW was the one that he planned to leave me for due to the fact that he was so very protective of her and she him. Of course, if she is an attorney, this would explain part of it, but I have no way of finding that our because I don't know her real name. Cell #'s are not traceable, and she most likely had it under another name or his. The last I heard, from her, she was moving to our city. Her possible presence still haunts me...she scares me. The main OW does live in our city, but oddly enough, I am not afraid of her. She seemed to genuinly care for our family. I do NOT think that their A was right!! Please don't think that, but she seemed to care about our well being, while the other OW did not.

 

It's so tough because you're left dealing with lies and half truths and you spend a great deal of time, at least in the first months after D day, wondering what really went on and trying to put the pieces together. I finally came to peace with much of it and was able to move on to a certain extent, but even now, I look over my shoulder when I go shopping, to work, grocery, ect., wondering if the person behind me in their car, or in line, is one of the OW's..No, I have never even seen a picture of the main OW. I suppose with enough digging, I could have seen her, but a part of me couldn't handle the hurt and despair had I seen her. Her face would haunt me for the rest of my life. Sorry to be so long winded and hope this helps.

[outofdarkness]

I am not sitting here in judgement of anyone, I am genuinely looking for advice from OWs who have been in this situation.

 

D Day arrived for us recently ( I am a BS ) and I called the OW ( for a chat, not a screaming match ) and she denied ever sleeping with him. They are close friends apparently. He told me the same thing. My instincts tell me differently. I am beyond confused.

 

My question is - When confronted did you tell the BS the truth? Would you? Or would you try and protect the H?

 

Thank you!

Here's my take on it...Many of u already are familiar, at least some, with my story. My H had one main A for 10 years, with multiple inbetween. First, I was in the car with him 2 and 1/2 years ago, when a woman called on his cell and I knew in a heatbeat as I could hear her greeting and voice, that it was NOT a business call. When I asked him, he told me it was a male coworker with a very high pitched voice. When pushed, things had been very strange with him for a number of months, he finally admitted that he had a "friendship, you know..lunches, etc..., with her. I believed him, and I did call her. She denied it too, but did admit to me that they had known one another for years and started out having coffee before work, etc. He also told me that she was an attorney. I never even got her real name, but I did find out where she lived through cell phone records, travel iteneraries, etc. To this day..he denies that he ever even met her in person. He did finally admit, as did she, that they had phone s-- alot, but as I said, to this day, he still says that was the extent of it. I am convinced that he was ready to leave me prior to this phone call, and that the phone call might have even been planned, as he knew I was picking him up at his office that day and time to pick up a rental for a business trip and that our kids were leaving for camp for five weeks the very next day. THAT was just the tip of the iceberg...I fell apart and in turn bought all of his lies...I fell right back into his arms after years of no affection, s--, etc...This went on for around three weeks, at which time I received a letter in the mail from the main OW, a different OW from the phone call OW...It stated that they seeing one another for 10 years, that she had cried buckets of tears over our son's illness, had deep feelings for each other and that she was a part of our family. It was supposedly from "a friend of hers", but I am sure it was her. It also stated that she did not know what had transpired over the past couple of weeks but this woman had been devastated by his latest actions. I knew right away that this was NOT the same woman who had called him that day previously. Lastly, she gave me her phone # and told me to call and compare notes....I did, of course, after I had summoned my H home to shove the letter up his nose and force him to admit it. She told me the same thing that I suppose they had rehearsed for 10 years, that there had been no actual intercouse, only oral...Somehow, my H informed me, he had felt that he was not actually committing adultery in the legal sense, if it was just oral. She also told me every intimate detail about my life, our children's lives, my Mother and sister's lives and my dog's life. She answered many questions that I am sure he did not intend her to answer, but she was understandably angry when I had to inform her that I had found out that he had been unfaithful, but not with her initially. She said "Boy, that's pretty bad, for the cheat to cheat on the OW"..I agreed. To this day, he still insists that the s-- was only oral, as if this makes it ok...Much of their time together was spent with our children, as they met when they were just one and two, on outings, her babysitting, etc...They were obviously very close, and no, I do NOT believe that there were no feelings involved on his part; although he insists to this day that it was all to get her to give him what he wanted, and that they had an agreement. He gave her what she wanted and she have him what he wanted...I assume it was financial on his part...

 

So, in summary, I believe that I was told partial truth by the main OW, and total lies by the phone OW. There were many others that I know of but never met and don't want to meet. It's the same old story from all of them. The only one that I can honestly say was half way respectful to me, and as I said there were only two that I spoke with, was the main OW...The phone OW was rude, degrading and belittling. Apparently, when the main OW somehow got her phone #, or e mail, THEY compared notes, and the main OW called me to let me know that she had told this woman to stay away from us and that she was crazy and had been told very disturbing and untrue things about myself and our children. I firmly believe that the phone OW was the one that he planned to leave me for due to the fact that he was so very protective of her and she him. Of course, if she is an attorney, this would explain part of it, but I have now way of finding that our because I don't know her real name. Cell #'s are not traceable, and she most likely had it under another name of his. The last I heard, from her, she was moving to our city. Her possible presence still haunts me...she scares me. The main OW does live in our city, but oddly enough, I am not afraid of her. She seemed to genuinly care for our family. I do NOT think that their A was right!! Please don't think that, but she seemed to care about our well being, while the other OW did not.

 

It's so tough because you're left dealing with lies and half truths and you spend a great deal of time, at least in the first months after D day, wondering what really went on and trying to put the pieces together. I finally came to peace with much of it and was able to move on to a certain extent, but even now, I look over my shoulder when I go shopping, to work, grocery, ect., wondering if the person behind him in their car, or in line, is one of the OW's..No, I have never even seen a picture of the main OW. I suppose with enough digging, I could have seen her, but a part of me couldn't handle the hurt and despair had I seen her. Her face would haunt me for the rest of my life. Sorry to be so long winded and hope this helps.