bellababygirl Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 NC is driving me crazy...I know he is back tonight...and i havent called him. I know that my phone will be ringing in the morning...and I know my stupid weak self is going to answer it. And as much as I want to tell him our "us" has no where to go...I know once I hear is intoxicating voice it will be more like, "Yes, Dear." I hate myself for that. I feel like I should be in some type of rehab, like I am addicted to him. I have never smoked a cig. in my entire life, never had the desire. But, with him I feel like I totally understand why people have such a hard time quitting smoking. Someone needs to lock me in my room with no cell phone, no computer, and a bucket full of DR. Phil books...better yet, force me to watch every self help special offered. So many times I have easily walked away...why does he have such power over me??? Someone just hit me on the head with a shovel and knock me out for a month...maybe by then I will have enough amnesia not to remember him! Any suggestions, or takers???
hardknocks Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 ok... YOU ARE NOW IN TIME OUT! Feel better? ok you are right. One important component of love is addiction. I've posted a little about this in other threads if you care to read. Our bodies do this so our species will survive. So in a way your mind is fighting for the survival of our species! Anyway - you can get through it. I think it helps to segment out the physical withdrawl symptoms, the romantic thoughts and the true situation to help me get out. The withdrawl part is exactly like a cigarette smoker.. you just ahve to hang on and it WILL get better over time. Actually, I really recommend falling head over heals in love with somebody else ASAP and then making love to them non stop for about a month straight - trade your addiction to a good one
movinon05 Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Actually, I really recommend falling head over heals in love with somebody else ASAP and then making love to them non stop for about a month straight - trade your addiction to a good one Now that's what I'm talkin about! :bunny:
Author bellababygirl Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 That sounds like some of the most positively active advice I have heard so far! Smile! Well, I have made it...it is Saturday and I have not called or anything. Going to spa today to try and keep myself distracted. The only problem with falling in love with a good single guy and making love for a month straight is I dont think I could have sex with another man pregnant with my MM son! It is just not something I thinnk I could do...is that strange? Will I make it through today without calling him? Let's see? Wish me luck!
kymberann Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 You CAN do it! Just remember the pain regret and remorse if you end uo calling! IT HURTS!! DOn't go there! Best
Touche Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Just curious about something. So if you don't call him, he doesn't call? Aren't you curious as to why he's been back and hasn't called you yet? Doesn't that give you some hint as to where you rank on his priority list? I mean if my H ever goes out of town he calls me from the hotel at night to say goodnight and I hear from him every day. How do you stand taking such a back seat in a man's life? I'd rather be alone myself.
Author bellababygirl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 He called...and I was only to quick to answer the phone! And the worse part is he did not get back last night he got in this morning...he is not even back in the state yet, he had another meeting to attend in another state and wont be back here until tomorrow night. Then it is only for a few hours and off to another meeting...he is going to come to see me this week when he gets back in the area...yada yada yada... My point is he was so loving...he said he was so happy to hear my voice and how much he has missed me every night he has been away. How was I doing...how am I feeling...what am I doing this weekend...am I being a good mommy...etc. etc. etc. He was just so happy and we talked forever. I told him I was having lunch with a girlfriend today and he asked about her. I teasingly told him I was lonely so she keeps me company while he is away...or I could just go get a boyfriend if he would prefer. He said of course he wouldnt prefer, but he realizes he has no right to say anything to me if I did go on a lunch date with a man. But, it would not please him if I did...he said. Anyway, I was sucked right in...and as bad as this sounds for that hour on the phone I was glowing...happy...cant wait to see him...and have been walking on cloud 9 ever since... I told him just the fact that he has missed me and thought of me while he was away (which I dont know but might have something to do with the fact I did not email, text, or call the entire time he was away - which is not my norm) made me smile. He sounded so happy to hear my voice. It was time for me to go to lunch so I told him I had to go. He said he was about to go into a meeting anyway, but told me he would be calling me tonight...and definitely seeing me when he comes back home. God, I am such a sucker! I WENT ALL WEEK AND DID NOT CALL...I EVEN WENT ALL MORNING...AND AS SOON AS THAT PHONE RANG I WAS LIKE A SILLY LITTLE SCHOOL GIRL. Please someone kick the spork into my forehead and put me out of my misery! How do you do it? How do you deny yourself everything your mind, heart, and body tells you you want? Why does it feel so extraordinary for so long when we talk, or are together??? The only time is is hard is when we are apart...UNH! I want to be mad at him for tricking me into thinking he was available...but then I want to be mad at myself for loving him...then part of me says being the OW (and all the b.s it comes with) is my just punishment for loving a MM...I am so far gone...
Author bellababygirl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 Just curious about something. So if you don't call him, he doesn't call? Aren't you curious as to why he's been back and hasn't called you yet? Doesn't that give you some hint as to where you rank on his priority list? I mean if my H ever goes out of town he calls me from the hotel at night to say goodnight and I hear from him every day. How do you stand taking such a back seat in a man's life? I'd rather be alone myself. He was not just out of town, but out of the country...
Touche Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 He was not just out of town, but out of the country... You mean in a country that doesn't have any phones? I'm a little confused here. If my H ever went out of the country without me (which is totally hypothetical here) he would absolutely be calling me. It would be no different. So I'm not sure why exactly you needed to qualify that. (He doesn't have a long beard and stay in a cave does he?)
Author bellababygirl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 You mean in a country that doesn't have any phones? I'm a little confused here. If my H ever went out of the country without me (which is totally hypothetical here) he would absolutely be calling me. It would be no different. So I'm not sure why exactly you needed to qualify that. (He doesn't have a long beard and stay in a cave does he?) No, just the area he is in he had military clearence and top secret this/that so he likes me to email him or leave him messages when he cant call...but this rarely happens...only when he goes to a certain country for certian business. I think this is only the 2nd time he has ever been to this particulr place and been unable to call. Of course, he could be full of it and just not calling for another reason...but the important part to me was I did not call him all week. I thought I was making progress until today...I just had to answer the phone didnt I? I am such a putz!
pricillia Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 No, just the area he is in he had military clearence and top secret this/that so he likes me to email him or leave him messages when he cant call...but this rarely happens...only when he goes to a certain country for certian business. I think this is only the 2nd time he has ever been to this particulr place and been unable to call. Of course, he could be full of it and just not calling for another reason...but the important part to me was I did not call him all week. I thought I was making progress until today...I just had to answer the phone didnt I? I am such a putz! Bella, I would not put yourself down like tht you are not a putz. You are going through alot right now and of course you want his support, by him not calling it could be because of many different reasons. You don't know what is going to happen until you let some time pass, just take one day at a time and remain healthy, emotionally and physically if he wants to be with you he will. It does not sound like he is willing to have his situation change anytime soon so him calling or not calling will not change that.
Author bellababygirl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 Bella, I would not put yourself down like tht you are not a putz. You are going through alot right now and of course you want his support, by him not calling it could be because of many different reasons. You don't know what is going to happen until you let some time pass, just take one day at a time and remain healthy, emotionally and physically if he wants to be with you he will. It does not sound like he is willing to have his situation change anytime soon so him calling or not calling will not change that. I think what bothers me most is I know I am an intelligent woman. But, for some reason, even though I know the situation is horrible...now that I know he is a MM is even worse, and I cant stop loving him... Why cant I just walk away from it? Why did I have to answer my phone? I know the relationship has no where to go the way it is...and I wont ask him to leave his W (although I am beginning to get the impression he wants me to ask him for that???)...so, why do I stay? Why dont I want to walk away?
pricillia Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 I think what bothers me most is I know I am an intelligent woman. But, for some reason, even though I know the situation is horrible...now that I know he is a MM is even worse, and I cant stop loving him... Why cant I just walk away from it? Why did I have to answer my phone? I know the relationship has no where to go the way it is...and I wont ask him to leave his W (although I am beginning to get the impression he wants me to ask him for that???)...so, why do I stay? Why dont I want to walk away? Well because you are about to share something with him and you really need to see where it is going to play out, Just try to include more things in your life that are positive for you to keep your mind off of it. You don't have to be involved with him but right now I think that it is in your best interest, you can not blame yourself for being in love with him, and you still have feelings of love for him and that is ok, love is not a peice of paper that you can throw away... Give yourself some time.
2sunny Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 I'd bet $1,000.00 that he called his WIFE while he was away - out of the country- and unable to contact you... in any way, shape or form. Maybe they had a big vacation - or even an anniversary vacation... You deserve better honey... you are being played like a fiddle... be smart... you are with child and he NEEDS to appease YOU and his WIFE!
Touche Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 I'd bet $1,000.00 that he called his WIFE while he was away - out of the country- and unable to contact you... in any way, shape or form. Maybe they had a big vacation - or even an anniversary vacation... You deserve better honey... you are being played like a fiddle... be smart... you are with child and he NEEDS to appease YOU and his WIFE! That's exactly what I thought as well. No doubt about it. He's STILL lying to her. I'd bet everything I have. Of course he's charming. Of course you're swooning. He knows all the right things to say to you. He's so transparent. Do you not see that? He's a real smoothie, this one. When you made the remark about being lonely, he came back with the PERFECT answer. Doesn't want you to date others because he doesn't want to share you but he'd understand and has no right to say anything if you did. See the dumb ones flat out say they don't want you to date. They demand exclusivity when they themselves can't offer that. We've all read the stories on here of men who do that. But no...yous is too smart for that. He KNOWS he has you where he wants you. He KNOWS you're not going anywhere. Where's your self-respect? Sunny, got it right. You're being played like a fiddle. And this guy is a real virtuoso too. Has he had any other mistresses? Why don't you probe a little about that if you haven't already. It should speak volumes to you. How many were there? For long? And how did they end? You need that information. It's that extra edge that will help you not be so weak in my opinion. So do you know the answers to those questions? And if not...WHY NOT?
2sunny Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 from a few references in some sentences along the way - it was obvious to me that this is NOT the first woman he has had on the side... besides... he is tooo gooood at it and knows exactly what to say, what to do and how to make it work in his favor... i bet he has more than just her hanging around. maybe OW#2 went on the "business trip" out of the country - and that is why he couldn't call!
Author bellababygirl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 That's exactly what I thought as well. No doubt about it. He's STILL lying to her. I'd bet everything I have. Of course he's charming. Of course you're swooning. He knows all the right things to say to you. He's so transparent. Do you not see that? He's a real smoothie, this one. When you made the remark about being lonely, he came back with the PERFECT answer. Doesn't want you to date others because he doesn't want to share you but he'd understand and has no right to say anything if you did. See the dumb ones flat out say they don't want you to date. They demand exclusivity when they themselves can't offer that. We've all read the stories on here of men who do that. But no...yous is too smart for that. He KNOWS he has you where he wants you. He KNOWS you're not going anywhere. Where's your self-respect? Sunny, got it right. You're being played like a fiddle. And this guy is a real virtuoso too. Has he had any other mistresses? Why don't you probe a little about that if you haven't already. It should speak volumes to you. How many were there? For long? And how did they end? You need that information. It's that extra edge that will help you not be so weak in my opinion. So do you know the answers to those questions? And if not...WHY NOT? I know he had other women calling him when we first began dating...even OW offering to introduce him to more OW...but, the more we began to see each other (frequency) the less his phone has rang...to the point now when it does ring he talks right in front of me and its always business. I am sure he has had OW way before me. I dont know if it has ever been a mistress? (I feel the way you ask that mistress is different than OW here??) I think OW to him has always been a strictly physical, go shopping, travel here or there, and thats that. Nothing more pursued. With me, well, I dont want that type of relationship. He says I am so different from the others. I think he finds me pleasantly odd because I am genuine about wanting him...enjoying him...its not about the flash...what he can give me, where he can take me, etc... It is about the mental connection and physical attraction...and just him...conversation..etc. So, if the difference is a mental relationship vs. a physical only for a (mistress vs. OW) then I would have to say he has had many OW but few if any mistresses. Does that make sense? As far as how long he has had OW...I dont ask...dont really care. I dont ask about his specific past relationships, nor his W. If he volunteers information then he does. But, I dont know what that information would serve me? It is odd because the last time we were together he asked me why I never ask him about his W? I dont know if this means his previous OW asked or not? But, I told him I have no desire to know about her personally. It is his relationship with her, not mine. And, honestly, knowing more about her doesnt change things. He always tells me he "KNOWS" what I want...that I want him, us, to be together primarily. The thing is I've NEVER asked for that. I told him what I want is irrelevant when I know it is something he could never give to me, so I dont bother asking. I only ask for what I beleive is in his capabilities to deliver. His repeated statement of "I CAN'T LEAVE MY WIFE," when I NEVER request such an action, nor even bring the topic up makes me feel like he WANTS me to demand or ask that of him? I sometimes feel like he wants me to give him a reason behind leaving??? I could be way off base here..but I dont understand why he consistently tells me he CAN'T when I never request it. In addition, he knows I dont want to ever marry him. Why do you think he keeps making the same statement?
2sunny Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 soooo, you are easy because you are not demanding???? maybe that is why he keeps you around... THAT is so easy when a man knows ou expect nothing... open your eyes honey! IF you started being DEMANDING as all hell - I really wonder how long he would hang around? you are short changing yourself - my dear. so sorry to be so blunt - but - to me - it is toooo obvious! on a side note - how exactly did you meet him and how did you two hook up??
Touche Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 I don't buy all of that at all. I don't buy the fact that the others only wanted him for his money and didn't want more from him. He obviously had to end it with all of them and he fears that with you it will turn out the same way..that there will come a time when you too will want more than what you have with him now. What woman truly in love would NOT want more...not too many wouldn't. And you are now even carrying his child. He's petrified. He can't just walk away that easily from you like the others. And he doesn't want to piss you off for fear that you may tell his wife. He keeps asking because he needs reassurance that you're not going to rock the boat...not because he wants an excuse to leave. That's ridiculous. If he were madly in love with you he wouldn't need an "excuse" to leave. He'd have a legitimate (kind of) reason to leave.
Author bellababygirl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 soooo, you are easy because you are not demanding???? maybe that is why he keeps you around... THAT is so easy when a man knows ou expect nothing... open your eyes honey! IF you started being DEMANDING as all hell - I really wonder how long he would hang around? you are short changing yourself - my dear. so sorry to be so blunt - but - to me - it is toooo obvious! on a side note - how exactly did you meet him and how did you two hook up?? He pursued me on a singles internet dating website. His profile was perfect...single,never married, no children, 41 years old...everything was a lie...well, his age would have been accurate if you added 20 years!...I didnt find out the truth until this last NOV. when I found out I was pregnant. Its not that I am not demanding. I want his time...it is him I enjoy. I just dont demand to be showcased...nor bought this or that... He knew from the moment we began dating I would date and live with my guy, but never wanted to marry again. So, demanding...probably not compared to his previous OW. Money doesnt apease me...his physical presence does. And, that I get more demanding with. He knows I EXPECT to have him with me at least once a week (in the beginning) and recently I told him it is not enough...he has been making over twice a week and that is pushing it already. So, I told him I am patient, but he needs to slow down his work and have more time for us to spend together. No excuses, he is the boss so he should be able to take time off whenever he wants too...
Author bellababygirl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 I don't buy all of that at all. I don't buy the fact that the others only wanted him for his money and didn't want more from him. He obviously had to end it with all of them and he fears that with you it will turn out the same way..that there will come a time when you too will want more than what you have with him now. What woman truly in love would NOT want more...not too many wouldn't. And you are now even carrying his child. He's petrified. He can't just walk away that easily from you like the others. And he doesn't want to piss you off for fear that you may tell his wife. He keeps asking because he needs reassurance that you're not going to rock the boat...not because he wants an excuse to leave. That's ridiculous. If he were madly in love with you he wouldn't need an "excuse" to leave. He'd have a legitimate (kind of) reason to leave. I try not to think about his "other life" but I feel at times I dont and wouldnt want him to leave his W. I dont enjoy being the OW, but, I DO NOT want to be the reason his marriage came to an end. I dont know that I could handle being responsible for so much hurt.
blizzardblueeyes Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 Bella, Your situation is very similiar to mine. My MM is high profile but no baby involved. I feel so many of the things you have shared. I need to go back and read everything. Know I am here for you.
Touche Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 Well you are contributing indirectly to her hurt every time you sleep with her husband. I don't know how you can keep doing that. I know you try not to think about it but he has a wife that he lives with and probably loves. Stop burying your head in the sand about it. She's not going away. And you know what? He's never going to give you more of his time than you're getting right now. If anything it's going to become less as time goes by. This type of guy likes a challenge and will always be scouting for the next conquest. He's already got you. No challenge there and now you're even asking more of his time. That's the kiss of death. He keeps goading you into admitting you want more because he gets off on that. And the minute you give him that he'll be out of there. Better settle for twice a week because it's either that or nothing with this guy. I have so much more to say about him but I'm disgusted. He's so low.
Author bellababygirl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 Bella, Your situation is very similiar to mine. My MM is high profile but no baby involved. I feel so many of the things you have shared. I need to go back and read everything. Know I am here for you. Thank you, you know if he was a jerk to me...abusive...etc. I probably wouldnt have a problem walking away. But, he isnt. Like I have said before...if he were not married...everything about him would be perfect. We click so well together...it is so natural...nothing is forced. Even with him being twice my age we have so much in common. He said tonight that I am addicting...I dont realize if he knows it goes both ways. Its funny, when we are lying next to each other I massage him until he falls asleep. I almost demand he let me do this...it makes me feel good to have that intimacy and that he can be himself, relax enough to snooze off, be that comfortable and safe with me. I enjoy touching him...and he always asks me, "Are you SURE you dont mind?" I always laugh at him. Why would I mind? I love the way I feel when we are together. I dont understand why he finds it so hard to beleive that I TRULY enjoy him... I am capable of handling being in his circles. The people he is around, functions he attends, none of it intimidates me. I just dont have a desire to be involved in all the circus of it all. If he wanted me there he knows I would go...but only for him, not the event and glamour of it all. I could care less...as long as I am with him I am happy. The high profile its just not something I have ever had to deal with, especially being an OW. I am sure (as I beleive the mayor of SF (I think - not positive) just went on the news about an A) holds such a stigma for public figures. Look at Clinton...it doesnt get more public than that...who needs that type of stress...YUCK! I love him for him...I want him to be just himself with me...not his job...not who he has to be for the public...for business...etc....none of that impresses me. I just want him as a person.
blizzardblueeyes Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 You said something I told my MM very early on. I love him, not who he is to other people. Myself, I do not like his circles. I like my privacy and I feel he and I live in different worlds. I have felt I have know the man I am involved with my entire lifetime. He is older than me but I adore him. Do I feel guilty about him and I? yes, so much months after we began this, for the first time ever in my life, I was so scared it was all coming out and he did damage control but for a day or two, I considered for seconds, ending my life because I could not stand the pressure. Thank God, I did alot of praying.
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