Shattered Reality Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I've been lurking here for a couple of weeks, but am finally getting up the nerve to post my story here I'm afraid it's going to be quite long... but I could use some thoughts on it all from someone who isn't already biased, if you know what I mean. I've been married for 11 1/2 years. I met my H and then became engaged only a month later, although we did wait over a year before actually getting married, it happened relatively fast. It wasn't a romantic, whirlwind relationship in any sense, more of we became friends and then one day he asked how I would feel about getting married. From there things just kind of happened... we bought the rings, we set the date, we moved in together. We never even slept together until after we were engaged, and even back then he wasn't overly active in that department. He brought nothing material into the relationship; he didn't even have a car at that point so we bought a car on my credit and he moved in with me. Fast forward a bit... after the wedding we decided to have kids right away. H's brother died before I met him and he is his parent's only remaining child, so they were very excited for us to have children. Over a period of 4 years we had two sons, and though I would have liked to have another child, H didn't, so he got a vasectomy. I'm not sure if this is the actual point where I started to notice or be bothered by problems in our relationship, but when I look back it seems like it. Or maybe that was just a wake up for me. H has never had a high sex drive, and after I became pregnant with our second child, things dwindled down to almost nothing. I have always had a very high sex drive, but he would push me away, and even from the time when we were newlyweds and should be going at it all the time, tell me that there was something wrong with me that I wanted sex too much. (Apparently once a day or even twice a week was too much) He always had an excuse for why he didn't want to be intimate; he was too tired, he was not in the mood, he had a stomachache. It got so that we went 3 years without any sex at all. He simply wasn't interested. And it wasn't just sex, it was virtually any form of intimacy... sure he would kiss me good morning, kiss me goodnight, hold my hand in the mall, etc, but they were quick pecks on the lips, nothing like a real intimate kiss. Oh, and when we would be hanging out with friends, he would always make sexual innuendos that implied that we were having sex all the time, almost like he was trying to prove something. I tried talking to him about it, even got him to talk to his doctor about it, and he discovered that he has low testosterone, which I thought was surely the problem. He was offered shots and a patch to correct things, but he didn't like going to the doctors every two weeks for the shots and he claimed that the patches wouldn't stick. Therefore, he did nothing about it, and the rejection continued. Then, when my youngest son was about a year old, I signed onto my computer and all these ads for gay porn popped up on the internet. I was stunned. I confronted him, he swore that he never went to any gay sites, but that he had looked at one or two regular sites, and that must be what was causing these things to pop up on the screen. I wasn't sure I bought it, but my computer crashed and I wasn't able to go into the history to verify anything so I let things pass. My son is now six, and we are still having the same problem... we have had sex 3 times since he was born. I always had to initiate it, and he was unable to reach completion any of the times that we did... and the last time he lost his erection just after we started. Even though I have initiated it, I have been rejected more times than I can even count. I realize that sex is not all there is to a marriage, however I do think that it is an important part of intimacy that is severely missing in our relationship. However, this is not the only problem that we have. H drinks... too much in my opinion. I am positive that my MIL is an alcoholic; ever since H's older brother died of cancer she has been 'self medicating' and she drinks every night. Not always getting drunk, but she always has a coke with something in it while she's making dinner, plus wine with dinner, and then after dinner drinks. H doesn't think she has a problem, and he doesn't think he does either. He drinks daily. Not to the point of getting drunk, at least not usually. But when he is drunk, he won't admit it and tries to drive and do all the things that one isn't supposed to do after drinking. He even got a DUI last year after going out with a friend to a concert. For a short time, he stopped drinking as much, but still daily. He falls asleep every night by 8 pm. Another issue we have is his temper. He has no patience at all, especially with our kids. He yells at them all the time, and yells at me too. My kids can be frustrating, I will be the first to admit it, but they seem to feed off each other... the more he yells, the less they listen, and it's a vicious cycle that I seem to be stuck in the middle of. He has never hit any of us, but one time he did put his fist through the wall because I locked him out of the bedroom during a fight. Anyway, this is getting long... to sum it up, I am not happy. I am beginning to wonder if H is gay, if he married me to give his mother grandchildren. He acts very macho... overly manly at times. Once my son dressed up in a dress (he was 5) and my friend took pictures of it (he was playing with her daughter) and H went ballistic. I am tired of being rejected time and time again. We fight and I tell him we need counseling... he will agree in the heat of the moment, but never follow through with it. I have tried talking to him over and over again, but to no avail. I feel that I've tried so hard to make things work, but he is content to leave things as they are, which is not working for me. I can feel my heart closing off to him, hardening, and I'm starting not to care anymore. I'm at the point where I dont' even know if it's worth trying to work things out. Yes, I think I'm one of those women who has 'checked out' He says he loves me. He says he will never let me go. I haven't told him I'm considering leaving him... but he knows something is wrong and that I"m not happy. I don't want to hurt him... I love him, but I feel like he's more of a roommate than a husband. There is more to this, but I think that I've written a long enough post for the moment... if you have made it this far, I thank you. I will try to elaborate/continue as this goes on...
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