question everyone!!

[butterflyz]

how do you get rid of a man who is obsessed with you? I mean completely obsessed.

 

i have made it clear that i do not want him in my life. wouldn't you think that the guy's pride would kick in and he'd remove himself from the situation?

 

so...any pointers?

[yes]

tell him u'll call police next time he contacts you.

if he still does, give one more warning; if again - call police.

 

that's what i'd do if i made it completely clear to someone than i dont want to hear, see, smell or anything else them ever again in my life & they kept on contacting me.

 

(bitchy mood? perhaps!)

 

-yes

[midori]

Funny, my roommate has had a problem along those lines and it only abated after months and months of awkwardness.

 

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. If evasiveness, declining all invitations, telling him you're not interested in dating him haven't worked, I think the thing to do is sit him down and say, "look Bob. Your interest in me has reached the point where it feels like harassment, and I cringe every time I see you. I'm not interested in you, I never was interested in you, and I never will be interested in you. It's just not going to happen, and your persistence is having the opposite of your intended effect. I'm sorry it has come to this, but I must ask you to leave me alone completely. I'm sick of having to send the same message over and over and over. Do not call me. Do not follow me. If you happen to encounter me on the street or elsewhere, don't feel the need to say hello."

 

And if that doesn't work, appeal to an authority: if it's a co-worker, talk to your boss. If it's some random guy, whether you know him or not, talk to the police.

 

It's too bad when people push you to be mean to them because they insist on only hearing what they want to hear.

[Ally Boo]

People like this can kill others, depending on how pyschotic they are or can be. Deal with them, don't play games, don't sugar coat, don't be nice. Get it over with NOW! Before its too late.

[butterflyz]

hi everyone.

 

thanks for the replies about my question below. unfortunately he doesn't directly approach me, he's a coward and relies on other people to relay information to me, under the guise that it is them that needs to confide in me.

 

anyway, the fool followed me to ny this weekend. he has enough money to make sure that the only hotel i could get would be the one he was staying in, of course my room was right next door to him. it didn't deter me from having a good time.

 

he tries to alter my mind by manipulating the things i read, see, hear from shows (yes he manages to contact them) to concerts to local radio dj's. usually it's about people reconciling or about love, since he wants me to forgive him for making a mockery of my life and ruining any chance of having a normal life here.

 

one thing i have learned from my experiences with him, is that i am very grateful that i am not like him. i am grateful that i am not such a desperate person that i feel that the only way that the object of my affection would listen to me is by manipulating his environment. with each manipulation, the dunce actually STRENGTHENS me AGAINST him. he thinks he's breaking down my defenses when in actuality i am seeing he is not a strong individual at all, he's incredibly weak. life with him would be one endless mindf&^% and a manipulation game.

 

i am a different individual. i would stand on my merits and have the courage to stand in front of the person who i was so cruel towards, and be honest and say i messed up. i didn't realize the potential of the hurt i was inflicting. and i would be honored if you would reconsider your position.

 

obviously he knows his position doesn't stand a chance. otherwise he wouldn't resort to such underhanded tactics. one of his lines when he does come face to face with me is going to be "i've changed". well, obviously he hasn't if he feels the need to try and manipulate me.

 

i can't stand manipulative people. he knows that. so i am amazed that he continues this ploy. i am laughing right now as i type this because of his stupidity.

 

what i would say to him right now would be "thank you mr. creep, you have done me the hugest favor in the world. you've shown me exactly who you are. and you do not deserve someone like me in your life."

 

why do people underestimate one's intelligence? i think it's because they don't realize how transparent they really are.

desperate men are a turn off.

[midori]

Um, have I missed something? Maybe they need to make a little "tongue in cheek" smiley face...

 

anyway, the fool followed me to ny this weekend. he has enough money to make sure that the only hotel i could get would be the one he was staying in, of course my room was right next door to him.

 

So you're saying that he booked up all the vacant hotel rooms in the city so that you would have no option but to take the one remaining room, conveniently located next to his?

 

he tries to alter my mind by manipulating the things i read, see, hear from shows (yes he manages to contact them) to concerts to local radio dj's. usually it's about people reconciling or about love, since he wants me to forgive him for making a mockery of my life and ruining any chance of having a normal life here.

 

Well I guess I would be upset with someone who kept dedicating songs to me on the radio or placing big ads in the local paper (is that what you mean by manipulating what you read?). But I don't know that I'd say he made a mockery of my life! I'd say, rather, that he is breath-takingly stupid, and making a fool of himself!

 

Heh, poor butterflyz, your situation really does sound a lot like my roommate's (fortunately for her the guy in question hasn't gone quite to the extremes yours has). After learning she was dating someone (she'd been single for a while) he showed up at the door one evening, uninvited and unannounced, with a card and flowers for her. This was after she told him directly that she was seeing someone and was very pleased with the new relationship. Her stalker is someone she would never ever date (nor would most normal women) but he absolutely doesn't get it. He has called here numerous times, I always answer the phone (she avoids doing so in case it's him) and I always politely tell him that she's not at home. She doesn't return his calls, and then the next time he calls I can tell from the tone of his voice that he thinks I'm not giving her the messages. Doesn't even occur to him that she's dodging his calls. She ran into him last night while walking home from her bf's place and, true to form, he badgered her to agree to get some coffee with him sometime soon.

 

Anyway, just thought you'd like to know that you're not the only one this thing happens to. Ignoring them flat-out is the best way to go, but if that just prompts him to even more extreme behavior, then start shutting him down.

 

Tell the people you know in common that you will be very annoyed if they act as a go-between, or solicit information about you on his behalf, or in fact if they share anything about you with him. Tell them that he has an unhealthy obsession that has become rather alarming to you and you don't want anyone to feed it. Tell them the next time he asks them something about you that they should reply, "I don't know, why don't you ask her yourself?" and to leave it at that. If they tell him that you're getting upset he'll feel he's won.

 

Ignore all attempts to interact with you via any medium. If he dedicates a song to you, pretend that you missed the dedication. Just let it pass unremarked. Don't respond in any way, not even to say, "GOD I hate Celine Dion. Who on earth would request such awful crap?" Do you work in the same place, with the radio on? Is that when he dedicates songs to you? If it's while you're alone, at home or whatever, tune in to NPR instead of the commerical stations that play requests. Hey, in this day and age we all need to be better informed about what's going on in the world anyway.

 

I doubt he'll persist for long if he's not getting some kind of reaction from you. Even if it's negative, a response is all he's looking for. He's forcing interaction with you, he can pretend that you're in his life in a significant way if he does things that catch your attention. The only way to deter that is by giving him no reaction at all. If you treat him like he's invisible then he'll realize that his ploys aren't working.

 

If you've already been ignoring him, why not organize some of the people who have conveyed information from him to you into some kind of intervention group, that will sit him down and explain to him why his behavior is inappropriate, desperate, pathetic, and guaranteed not to work. Maybe he needs to feel scorn from multiple sources before he'll get it into his thick head that, no matter how great he thinks he is, your opinion of him couldn't get much lower.

 

If he is a coworker, speak to your boss. This is definitely harassment, and I imagine that having a stalker working beside you doesn't lend itself to doing a good job; so it's in your employer's best interest to get rid of anyone who disrupts the work environment.

 

Good luck!

[Ally Boo]

Ok maybe it's because I've been slightly stalked before bc of my job, but that dude SCARES ME. I'd so have him arrested for harassment. I don't play that game.

[butterflyz]

order but to no avail. he's too sneaky, and has too many people involved that would not go against him.

 

so, like midori says, i ignore him now. i guess it must be pretty miserable being him. anyone that behaves the way he has behaved probably thinks that the world owes him something.

 

i can't punish him via the law right now, but i know that since he can't have me, that'll be the best punishment. this guy did a nice job of destroying my faith in love and humanity. i don't think i'll ever want to get into a relationship again. i don't think i have it in me to want to put in the effort ever again. i don't feel like working towards something that has only been a joke in my life. i don't think i could let my guard down enough for it to be successful. maybe years from now, but not for a very long time.

 

the good news is that i have an incredible ability to walk away from anyone or anything. the "on/off" switch in my heart is in perfect working order.

 

the tremendous anger in me has subsided, nothing he can say or do (he might buy the house next door to me) will make me leave my home or make me desperate enough to cave into him. he's trying to isolate me so that i feel so terribly alone that i'll welcome him when he decides to actually face me. it won't work. he'll never break me that way. he's trying to position things in a fashion that unless i am with him, i won't have any kind of a life. that's okay. i know in my heart of hearts that i'd rather spend my entire life alone, than spend one minute with him. he's vermin.

 

i just don't care anymore about the situation. i have no feelings one way or the other. all i know is that he did confirm one thing for me that i have felt since i was a child: no one is going to catch me when i fall, no one will protect me, and in this life you are on your own.

 

and that's okay because now i know i need to be stringent in protecting myself and my heart.

 

i hope that none of you ever go through what i have gone through this year. it's enough to make you not want to stick around. and the irony of it all, is that no one would even notice if i were gone. no one, obviously, would care. and that's a very hard thing to accept. but it is so.

 

if someone approached me to betray a friend and stand back and watch them be destroyed, i'd tell him "you'd have to kill me first before i'd allow you to hurt someone i love". but unfortunately no one cared enough about me to do that for me. it's very hard to realize that people can stand back allow you to be so hurt and not do anything. i understand now how a "gang rape" works. but i can see that the "pack mentality" takes over and people get off on watching someone get hurt. just look at how we watch boxing, public hangings, beheadings, etc.

 

and throughout this process, not one person i know would help me eventhough i cried out for help. i am that insignificant. i just don't matter. the truth is, i never really have mattered much to the people in my life. i guess haven't picked the best people to trust with my heart.

 

and now the people who let me suffer want me to talk to them and acknowledge them when we pass in crossing. because they feel bad and realize how traumatized i really am now. my heart will NEVER allow any of them back in, and that includes friends, family, etc. they will have to deal with their guilty conscience on their own, they will not get any relief from me.

 

but i carry on with life anyway. i guess some of us were meant to have lots of love around us, and some of us were not meant to have it at all. i focus on what i do have in my life and forget the rest. one day this all will subside and then i'll be able to breathe. please don't suggest counseling, he's gotten therapists i've gone to, to betray my conversations with them. i am truely alone, but i will survive, i always do. and i will never give my heart blindly to any person ever again (be it friend or lover)

[Ally Boo]

Why wouldn't anyone notice or care if you were gone?

[butterflyz]

what was done to me was very cruel. you see, people felt i was dysfunctional from my childhood events (abused). and i was exhibiting victim behavior. but instead of sitting down and talking to me about it....they staged an intervention (something reserved for cult members, junkies, prostitutes, etc.).

 

well, they caved my world in...got me pushed out of my job, my friends were positioned to not believe anything i said, trying to make me think i was losing my mind (like the movie Gaslight).

 

all the while, the obsessed freak in my life thought he was doing the right thing because i would have just "rationalized" someone sitting down talking to me. yet...anyone who really knows me knows i am a straight shooter, and i have had to have that type of conversation with friends in my life, so i understand the drill.

 

so, obsessed freak starts a stalking campaign to totally freak me out, gets people to vandalize my property, etc.

 

and when he approached everyone in my life (he did an extensive investigation, back to the state i came from, ex lovers etc.) no one stood up for me. he basically backed some people in a corner. but no one held a gun to their heads.

 

so now, i understand that i have no friends. everyone got off on the power kick they got from terrorizing me. and i will never, ever forgive an forget. they lost me, all of them.

 

now, this obsessed freak thinks that he's going to appear in my life (suddenly and accidentally of course) and apologize and think that we'll live happily ever after. i did care for him before all this happened.

 

the problem with him is that prior to me he really never felt love for someone (he's almost 50). he's been married, has a kid,etc. but remember when you first fell in love? you attributed the feeling to that person, you handed over your power to that person, instead of realizing it is all coming from you. that person just happened to be at the right place at the right time to set it off in you. in time, i hope he realizes that he'll love again.

but he's done such horrible things that i have no respect for him, nor do i love him anymore, nor would i want him as a friend or anything in my life. he is relentless and thinks that because of who he is and because of how much money and power he has, he can either 1) bully me into being with him 2) wear me down with romantic crap 3)manipulate me because i'm alone.

 

i can't stomach the thought of him. he thinks i'm confusing hate with not being in love. not true. i grieved this relationship months ago. when i'm done, i'm done. there is nothing he can do or say that will change my mind. i think of him as vermin. basically....he blew it. he thought he could just walk in, take over my life and i wouldn't say boo about it.

 

but because no one stood up for me or protected me or warned me, i do believe that the message is loud and clear...i am an insignificant being on this planet. i am devastated as to how i've been treated, and i know i am traumatized and i know it will take me a long time to learn to make a friend again. men...well i'm taking an extended hiatus from men.

 

i hope that answers your question

[Ally Boo]

I'm sorry....maybe you should consider starting your life anew...moving somewhere else...suddenly...without telling anyone. Possibly changing your name? There HAS to be an answer somewhere.

[butterflyz]

whereever i go. he has people in ny even watching me for him.

 

i've accepted the fact that he won't stop until he's completely destroyed me (my mind, my body, my soul, my house, my ability to live a peaceful life). the only way i'll ever feel safe again is if he drops off the face of the earth. i would be so relieved.

 

the pain stays with me all the time. sometimes i get optimistic and think that he'll go away. but most times i know it'll never end. he'll always find someone to harass me for him, to ruin my belongings, make everday living unbearable. this life is what i am now doomed to live. i simply exist, i don't live anymore.

 

and even if he knew he was inch by inch, day by day, destroying me from the inside out, he wouldn't care. and neither would anybody else.

 

like i've said before, people get off on watching other people beaten down. they even love participating in it. it's a power kick.

[midori]

this sounds just awful butterflyz. I feel like I don't have enough specific information about your situation to come up with a plausible solution (and even if I did have the info, maybe I couldn't figure it out).

 

But here's what I do know. It is possible to evade someone, especially in New York. I lived there for 12 years. Of course if you're talking about a specific group of people in the city, well sure, if you enter their scene word would get back to this guy. And while of course New York is the best city in the world (I miss it so much!) there are other cities if you feel New York is too risky for you. But let's face it, the CIA and FBI can't always keep tabs on dangerous criminals, so there's no way that this guy can know your every move. Are you saying he has tapped your phone? That he reads your email? Surely not (and if he has then you should go to the police).

 

You can definitely, definitely get away from him if you want to. Especially if you've already cut ties with people from your past for one reason or another. There's nothing to stop you from making quiet preparations to relocate to a place where no one knows you. If you rely on an extended social network of some kind, of course he'd be able to track you down. But if you really strike out on your own he'll have nothing to trace you with, no one to alert him.

 

At first I had the impression that this was just a guy who was annoying you. But if it's as bad as it sounds, and if you're despairing and feeling trapped, then I don't think you can afford to let things go on as they are. No matter how much you love your home, is it worth it to stay if you're being driven mad by an obsessed lunatic? You don't want to let him "win," but what price are you willing to pay for standing your ground in the face of an irrational person whose goal, incidentally, is not to drive you away but rather to force you to stay in proximity to him? Flight would not grant him victory. Submitting to him would. Letting him make your life miserable unless you give him what he wants would grant him victory.

 

As for the people you trusted who subsequently betrayed you: I'm so sorry to hear it. It sounds like you're quite vulnerable and alone. I think that people in that unhappy position are sometimes prone to being preyed upon by people who want to use them for one reason or another. You believe in them at first because you have no one else to believe in. And then, surprise surprise, they turn out to not have your best interests at heart. Which is in line with your prior experience with people, and confirms all your fears.

 

The thing is, people who aren't out to use other people tend to not be so initially welcoming and appealing, not because they don't like you, but because they're not trying to pull you into their web. Someone who's for real is perhaps a bit harder to get to know at first, because they're not going to put on a show. You're not going to feel an automatic and instantaneous connection to them necessarily, because their connections are genuine and those take some time to establish. But believe me, they're out there. They're all around. They're making mistakes left and right, sometimes they hurt people, but they're not out to take advantage of others. I've found that people who come on hard & fast and overwhelm you with charm and exuberance, whether as friends or as lovers, tend to be people who are lying, at a minimum to you and possibly to themselves as well.

 

Like I say, without knowing the specifics my perspective is obviously limited. But I don't believe that you have to remain in the situation you find yourself in. You can leave if you want to. You can get away from this guy, and it sounds like you should. You can make good, genuine friends if you distinguish sincerity from convenience and deception.

[butterflyz]

first of all, thanks to ally boo and midori for caring enough to reply to my posts on the obsessed freak

 

i have spent a lot of time grieving this week things that i experienced months and months ago, like realizing my friendships and family really weren't there for me, and the realization that i really meant nothing to all those people. it makes you wonder why are we really here. i wasn't able to go into those feelings months ago, because i had to just survive at that point. but after a while, all the emotions you stuff in, have to come out, and that's what i've been dealing with. they would all blame the guy who planned my life's demise, but i would never accept that answer. they wouldn't be taking responsibility for their own actions. no one put a gun to their heads.

 

my mother tried to come over today. and i wouldn't let her in or talk to her. i warned her the last time she did it that i wouldn't let her in the next time she did it. she bought into his cinderella story bull, too. and helped him. i don't care if i lose her or any of them. i don't feel anything anymore for any of these people. i guess it's a good thing.

 

what this guy would want me to see is that he did ALL of this because he wanted to show me and the world that i could fight back a full force of domination and become the poster child for all the abused people. well.......guess what.......I DIDN'T ASK him to do this. he placed his own wishes on me. when you love someone, you love them based on THEIR needs, not yours. i don't want or need to become sort of sacrificial lamb for abused people. i want to blend with everyone, be normal. he saw this as me wanting to hide. i don't want to hide and be looked over, i just don't need to be the center of attention. since he HAS to be the center of attention, he pushed, again, his values on me. Love doesn't do this, selfishness does.

 

he did this, of course, to show the world how wonderful he is. so he could get the applause. Love doesn't do this, selfishness does.

 

he would want me to think that everybody at sometime gets obsessed with someone and thinks of them as a celebrity. well......guess what........I DON'T BELIEVE him. again, love does not manipulate, selfishness does.

 

he would want me to thank him for giving up a year of his life to help me get over my problems. well.....guess what......I DIDN'T ASK HIM to do so. he is, again, placing is values of what "love" is on me. Love does not push your own value system on another. my problems would have been better dealt with from a position of respect and caring. he just wants to be saved from himself, so of course, he thinks i do. so what does he get for all of his efforts? nothing, zero, zilch, etc. all he gets from me is a wish that i read the paper one day and i find out he's dead. i know it sounds mean, but i wish he was dead. this is the only way i'll ever feel safe again.

 

basically i was in pretty good shape before the hammer dropped. i was delving into my life, reading, ready to make changes and i guess this guy decided that i was moving a little too slowly. because he wanted to marry me next year. well, now he doesn't just have to WAIT, he doesn't get to marry me at all. this is what happens when you get greedy, bossy, pushy,etc. at least my impatience doesn't almost kill someone. and that's what he almost did to me. now, because he missed up he doesn't get what he wants in the end. which, for me, is a good thing.

 

until then, he will still get those wretched senior citizens to follow me wherever i go and watch what i buy and when i buy it and what i was wearing when i bought it. (why can't you all just go play canasta or something useful). he'll get people to mess up my accounts, vandalize my property. he'll send people into my life to spy and snoop on me and report back to him. i won't feel comfortable making a friend for a very long time, maybe a year. i'll have to go at it alone till then. i can do it. it doesn't bother me to be alone. i don't have to worry about betrayal this way. and this way enough time has passed. hopefully by then, people will get a life and step out of mine.

 

people are pathetic. all of these people with these empty lives, trying to help him. he's got them all convinced that they are volunteering for a good cause. yeah, i'd like to see any of them walk in my shoes for one week. they wouldn't have made it.

 

but now, i'm an emotional cripple. isn't great all of these people who helped him.......helped him make me an emotional cripple. so much for the good cause.

[Ally Boo]

Butterflyz...

You usually give really great advice, but it sounds like you are severely depressed. You need to get help before you keep thinking these toxic thoughts. NO CAN CONTROL YOU UNLESS YOU LET THEM! I understand his power blah blah blah, but he can only destroy your mind body soul, etc if you LET him. You need to get help immediately!!!

[Ally Boo]

Thats why I was saying you need counseling. You seem like such a sweet and smart person. I just think you are in a deep depression. Its ok, bc it happens to all of us, you just need to get help.

 

If it makes you feel any better, my ex husband turned my brother against me when we broke up. And I had to talk to my brother for 3 hours crying and trying to convince him that I was not the person my ex husband had made me out to be. My relationship with my brother hasn't been the same...

[butterflyz]

but until i know this guy is out of my life, any counselor will betray my confidence and report everything back to him. so until i know for sure he's gone i can't reach out to anyone. he'll manipulate, convince or pay off whoever to get what he wants.

 

he's gotten my previous counselor to work for him, alter what she covers with me in session, all guided to work to his benefit.

 

i know it sounds ludicrous. i know i'm not happy. but the only way i'll survive this is alone. i couldn't withstand another betrayal. i mean it. that would do me in.

[butterflyz]

i know i sound very despairing and right now, i'm feeling all the feelings i've held in over the last year. i couldn't deal with them before because i was going through the trauma that i'm ventilating about now.

 

i've been through some bad times before. i always come out of it. i'm very focused at work. i'm still eating. i'm still working out.

 

it's just that i have nothing. i know it's easy to say that i am the one in control of my emotions. but when an entire universe of people you know sacrifice you it is so damaging. i've just started to vent about it, and i'm choosing to do it here. i really have nowhere to go. if i attempt to go to counseling, the counselor will just report everything back to him and try to get me to see things his way. so again, more manipulation. he did this with the last counselor. the one that told him the play i was going to and the date.

 

so until i know this guy is gone, i don't have anywhere to turn. i don't think i could withstand one more betrayal. it would do me in.

[midori]

Dear butterflyz, I'm trying to make sense of what you've revealed about your situation so far. From what I gather, you suffered some kind of abuse in your childhood, and then encountered a guy who was determined that you deal with the aftermath of the abuse in a way that he deemed appropriate, which is not the way that you feel is right for you. So this guy, full of "good" intentions, has harassed you and decided that, whether you like it or not, you will come around to seeing things his way. He has enlisted people to assist him in getting you to come around, and he has directly interfered and manipulated various aspects of your life in order to persuade you that he is right.

 

Is that correct?

 

And for some reason you feel that you cannot escape this situation. You feel that no matter where you go, this guy will find you and continue to hound you. You have been betrayed by people who you believed were your friends, people who were bought or otherwise won over by the guy who's determined to make you "see the light." So now you're isolated and unable to trust anyone. You're convinced that this man will destroy you, and you feel that nothing you can do will stop him.

 

Is that right?

 

I just don't know what to say. I cannot believe that, if you left where you're currently living, he'd be able to find you. For example, you've mentioned New York as a place you have gone, but he's had people there keep an eye on you. So why not make preparations to leave, tell people you're moving to New York, tell your contacts there that you're coming to the city, make it look to everyone like that is indeed where you're going. When you leave town, take the road that's headed toward New York -- but don't go to New York. Go someplace else, where no one knows you, and start afresh.

 

By the way, does this guy know that you post on this site?

 

I feel like some key pieces of the puzzle are missing. I just find it hard to believe that one person can run amok in someone else's life like that and there's no way to stop him. I agree with Ally boo that you really do need to be talking to someone. I know you're suspicious of counselors, but find someone who takes the patient priviledge thing seriously (shouldn't be hard to find, as most do), and let them know up front that you will terminate with them if you smell even a whiff of this guy's influence.

 

This just doesn't sound good butterflyz. You've been quite vague about things, so if I didn't already have an impression of you, based on your posts on this site, as a sane, grounded, insightful person, I might think that you were paranoid. I'm taking you seriously because I do think you're sane & grounded, etc., but in taking you seriously I must conclude that you need to get some help. You need to finish this once and for all: either get out of there, or find a way to get him off your case. If he's as obsessed and persistant as he sounds, you might have better luck with the first option.

 

good luck Butterflyz. Please don't let this go on.

 

-midori

[Ally Boo]

Counselers have an OATH to keep your privacy. When I went to my counseler, the first thing she told me is that even if someone were to call the place and ask if I was a patient, they are legally not allowed to answer that question. And if they did, you could and SHOULD Prosecute them. I don't see much else I can say on this thread except, you need to see a doctor and get on some anti depressants or something alike...and you need to go to a counseler. I understand you probably don't trust anyone right now, but you need to start here.

 

You have completely surrendered your life. You have given up...and you are allowing yourself to live thinking that your life is totally over. Almost as if you are dying from a terminal disease. You AREN'T. WAKE UP!!! Get your strength back and fight this guy. NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO DO WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU. And you are LETTING it happen. This is America!!!!!

[katybird]

OK, I've been following this thread, and I'm now convinced that something just isn't right.

 

I'm sure that this guy is obessive and scary, but you seem to think that he is omnipotent. I can't remember every improbable thing you've said, but there was something about him being able to make you stay in a hotel room next to his in NYC, something about people watching you and reporting back to him, and then something about your counselor reporting back to him.

 

Listen, NOBODY is that powerful. NOBODY! If this counselor knows him, then talk to another one. If you think that somehow, this new counselor would tell your ex what you've said, then I have to tell you that you REALLY need some help. You're panicking and it's making you paranoid.

 

Have you thought of talking to a member of the clergy. Most of them are bound by something akin to the "seal of confesion." Catholic priests, in particular, will never, ever tell - as they can be not only criminally prosectuted for doing so, but also relieved of their duties AND excommunicated. If you're not religious, don't worry about that - most clergy people sincerely want to help people, and all you'd need to do is say "I'm not religious, but I'm convinced that I can't trust anyone and I must talk to someone who will be confidential."

 

Anyway, you need to talk to somebody about this. You CAN find somebody trustworthy. Chances are, your ex IS being sneaky and doing things he shouldn't, and a counselor would be able to help you cope AND guide you in taking proper legal action if necessary.

[butterflyz]

you are correct on both items.

 

this guy is very rich and has a great deal of influence. he treats the area like it's "his town". because he is rich, his money talks.

 

no, i'm not paranoid. trust me, when everyone tried to get me to believe that i lost my mind (a la Gaslight), i saw what they were trying to do. you see, as a survivor of abuse, you learned not to trust your perceptions and instincts. so, they were all slamming me at the same time.

 

i read in a book by John Briere, PhD (for therapists) that therapy for survivors of abuse should be egalitarianistic in nature. the abuse occurs in a "context of powerlessness, intrusion and authoritarianism. Because therapy ..... is intended to remedy the efects ..... it is important that the treatment process not recapitulate them. Experience suggests, in fact, that authoritarian, power-laden interventions are likely to result in a variety of negative survivor behaviors...." Later on he states, "good abuse-focused therapy is most successful when it fosters a relatively egalitarian atmosphere, whereby the client is seen as a partner in treatment."

 

and that's what happened to me. i am very hurt. i don't know if i will forgive any of them. i'm not wired to forgive and forget. it's as though my heart lost muscle mass and the space they occupied is gone.

 

i don't understand why they had to be so cruel. why wasn't i given the benefit of the doubt and someone talk to me straight? why didn't they think they would damage me more? but, i'll never know the answers. my only guess would be is that mr. freak needed to be married next year and years of therapy would disrupt his schedule. another selfish man - shocker.

[midori]

I completely concur with this:

 

therapy for survivors of abuse should be egalitarianistic in nature. the abuse occurs in a "context of powerlessness, intrusion and authoritarianism. Because therapy ..... is intended to remedy the efects ..... it is important that the treatment process not recapitulate them. Experience suggests, in fact, that authoritarian, power-laden interventions are likely to result in a variety of negative survivor behaviors...." Later on he states, "good abuse-focused therapy is most successful when it fosters a relatively egalitarian atmosphere, whereby the client is seen as a partner in treatment."

 

I think that any kind of therapy ought to be person-centered, with the individual in question arriving at his or her own answers. Otherwise you're just having someone else's answers & interpretations thrust upon you. What good does that do?

 

But this is just whacky!! I mean, I too would be absolutely pissed off to no end if someone tried to tell me how to view my experiences, how to construct the stories of my life, how to view myself in light of what has happened in my past. I can see why you're hurt and angry. But I don't get why you feel the need to stay in that environment. It almost sounds as if you're determined to show the people who wronged you that you are right, that you don't need them and that their way was not going to work. But in so doing you're punishing yourself. Who cares what they think? Maybe they all belong to some psychoanalytic cult; if so they'll continue to see you as being in "denial," no matter what you do. Maybe they've all been bought off by your tormentor, which sucks, but how does sticking around make them pay for such duplicity? I'm just wondering what you're trying to prove, and why. No matter how much you love your house or apartment, no dwelling is going to be comfortable if you feel besieged and alone at the same time.

 

Mr. Bigwig might be influential where you are, but surely he's not Bill Gates. Go somewhere else. Preferably somewhere he doesn't know about. Have your mail forwarded to a Mailboxes etc. in New York or some other place, and instruct them to forward it on to whereever you choose to go. Seriously! Why are you sticking around for this?

[just_a_girl]

Just be totally honest with them. Just like this statement said:

 

"look Bob. Your interest in me has reached the point where it feels like harassment, and I cringe every time I see you. I'm not interested in you, I never was interested in you, and I never will be interested in you. It's just not going to happen, and your persistence is having the opposite of your intended effect. I'm sorry it has come to this, but I must ask you to leave me alone completely. I'm sick of having to send the same message over and over and over. Do not call me. Do not follow me. If you happen to encounter me on the street or elsewhere, don't feel the need to say hello."

 

However, if you were once interested in them say so... and definately tell them where it went wrong.

 

Just like you, this person has feelings. Sure they may not realise that they are making things worse by constantly bugging you... but let them know that. Juts be totally honest and tell them everything you think and feel, once you feel you have made urself clear then hopefully they will leave you alone. They obviously still care for you in some strange way and perhaps if you explain why you don't care for them or where it got lost it may help them move on.

 

Perhaps having another partner around may give them the hint or scare them away. Just a thought.

 

 

Perhaps tell them that you are considering contacting the police and getting a restraining order out on them if the above doesn't work. That may keep them away without having to actually take legal action.

[butterflyz]

this is the reason.

 

i've always held the thought that you don't make any major decisions in haste. i agree with the guidelines of waiting one year before making any major decisions. this way you know you did the right thing.

 

so, i am giving myself one year. i will give myself until december 2003 to decide what i am going to do with my life.

 

i am going to try and rebuild something meaningful here. i have a new job now, that i like alot. the people seem real nice. the business is interesting and developing everyday. i feel really good when i'm at work. the day goes so fast. i feel that i can learn alot at this job and maybe i might actually be appreciated for once.

 

so, i hope that answers your question. i'm not staying to defy everyone. i know i'm right. they will soon understand that i was right. they have their own guilty consciences to deal with.

 

as far as the guy goes, i have only one comment.

 

people want to know how someone evil convinces everyone to commit mass murders or genocide. i see clearly how it happens. take someone brilliant, mix charm, add a dash of manipulation and treachery and voila - you have the perfect mix.

this guy infiltrated my life over a couple of years, he undermined it completely because he was intimidated by me. he didn't think i would want him for him, so of course a sick mind devises a plan. he planned to ruin my life and then come galloping in as my savior. how sick is that?

 

he got everyone to go along with it by positioning it as a cinderella story. but there is no happily ever after here.

 

it's over. and will take this freak about 6 months to a year to get it in his skull that my heart is gone. he destroyed what little life i managed to build upon to lift myself out of the hole that was dug for me. i have no pity or compassion for him. i wish him dead. i really do.

 

but, i am trying to reposition my thoughts to those of optimism. i am trying to feel as though i do have a future here, without running. i've run all my life. it's what i do best. i'm trying not to run anymore.

 

in time, people will stop helping him harass me. the spineless idiotic spies he puts in place will eventually stop reporting everything back to him. i think if people know how hurt i really became over this, they may stop. in time, he will meet someone else. funny, he wanted someone who didn't want him for his money, but he sure treated me like someone who did. you see, a golddigger puts up with being twisted like gumby because she's in it for the money. but i guess he figured that i'd stay because i felt "love" for him, so i'd put up with just about anything.

 

he will never break me. i can be alone for the next year, it won't get to me. he may bank on it, but he should invest in commodities rather than bet that i'll want him back. i don't. i won't. i could never trust someone who devised such a sick scheme. i wish people would just see it for what it is and not attach a "oh he loves you so much" feeling to it. he doesn't love me, he just wanted to possess me. he doesn't even love himself.

 

i am sick of him and talking about him. enough. have a nice night and thanks again for posting back, i really do appreciate it.