frannie Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 ...conventional wisdom dictates that my relationship with the OW is rooted in fantasy and would not survive the day-to-day challenges most long term relationships face. This may or may not be true. What is true is that it is difficult (to say the least) to figure out what I want to do with my marriage while the OW and I interact. So if we can get through the first few weeks and then months of NC' date=' I should be in a better position to properly evaluate the state of my marriage, such as it is.[/quote'] I wouldn't worry too much about 'conventional wisdom'. I think you're doing a really sensible thing in trying to sort your head out before leaping in or out of anything. Who knows whether it would work out with your OW... and at the moment it's still possible that you could get back together with your wife if you both want to work on things. Last thing you need to do for you, or for either of these women, is to keep volleying back and forth. I hope it all works out for the best for you, whatever you decide to do.
Just 'nother MM Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 I'm pleasantly surprised by the welcome I've received! I can see how this site can be so addicting...I'm still trying to figure out how to use those text boxes... If you love your wife and want a second chance, DO all that you can to make it happen. Start going to therapy on your own, show her that you deserve a chance to make things right, that she CAN trust you again. And, most of all, having the OW out of your life in everyway is a good start. (Make sure your wife knows this too.)This is very, very difficult. The stressful encounters my wife and I used to have have diminished since our separation, and - this may sound harsh - I still don't know if I REALLY WANT to work towards repairing our marriage. I also don't know what my wife wants...again, our communication isn't the greatest, even now. The one thing we do extremely well is raising and guiding our 3 small children. After that, I don't know... One step at a time, I guess.
bigblueeyes Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 JAMM, thank you for your insight in what it is like for MM. It helped me a lot. However, being the OW, I would also suggest you cared less about convential wisdom. Sometimes, things that seem unreal like your relationship with OW is very real, you just have to believe in it Good luck with your counselling. Sounds like you are doing the right thing and are taking good care of yourself.
Just 'nother MM Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 JAMM, thank you for your insight in what it is like for MM. It helped me a lot. However, being the OW, I would also suggest you cared less about convential wisdom. Sometimes, things that seem unreal like your relationship with OW is very real, you just have to believe in it Good luck with your counselling. Sounds like you are doing the right thing and are taking good care of yourself.Thanks for the kind words. I agree that "conventional wisdom" is not applicable in all situations. And my OW is very real to me. I just think that, in retrospect, I should have either ended or reconciled my marriage before becoming intimately involved with my OW. I never in wildest dreams thought that after 7 years of marriage, 3 kids and 30 pounds gained that I would meet a beautiful woman (inside and out) that would be interested in spending time with me. Btw, my OW helped me lose the 30 pounds...
Just 'nother MM Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 May I ask you a couple of questions? I don't know whether he is or isn't waiting for something, exactly. His wife knows nothing about me, there is not a HUGE chance of us getting discovered (simply because of where we both live and how we meet). He's bought up the fact that the marriage isn't working a couple of times, but she doesn't agree, and she thinks it's better that they stay together because of the children (from what I can gather, but I don't think he's pressed the issue at all... no real conversation about separation or divorce). I know he's scared of all those things you mention, but mostly just scared of ruining his children's lives by getting a divorce. I know that's scoffed at (read it often enough), but like it or not that's how he feels.As an MM with kids myself, I think this is a legitimate fear. But I'm also starting to see that my children (the oldest is only 6) are young enough to "bounce back" from divorce. Will it be easy? No. Will the children be affected? Yes. However, my therapist tells me that the younger the children are, the better they can overcome the challenges associated with divorce (given the right circumstances - it may not work in a nasty, protracted divorce). But as I see it, the real decision for me is whether or not I want to remain married to my wife. Your MM will eventually have to make the same decision or it could be forced upon him. Your affair may be discovered, you may decide to start dating someone else, your MM may, after his kids are adults and he is old and gray, figure out that he stayed in a marriage he didn't really want to be in and lost the most productive years of his life... Advise him that it's better to try to make the decision for himself. What do you think? Before Christmas he said he could see he 'had' to leave... but when it came to it 2 weeks ago, he started the conversation with her... and then backed down, because he couldn't see how it could be 'best for everyone' if he left. That's what he keeps stumbling on... he can't leave if it's not 'best' for his children. So he said sorry to me... he couldn't do it. Well, he's been here all week, we've done a lot of talking... but I said... I can't wait around for six or seven (or more) years... this is my life. And anyway... what if we DO get caught..? What about what THAT will do to the children..? And to everyone..?Sounds like he's going to stay married, at least for now. But what do YOU want, frannie? Do you want him to get a divorce? If he did, then what? Would you want him to begin a long term relationship with you? Hope that's not too intrusive...
Guest Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 I agree. My mother in law is a case in point. She repeatedly tells this story about how after she had two children, she refused to have a third because her husband was so mean to the two children she already had even though she always wanted a large family. Since the third was born about seven years after the first, we know that somewhere in the fifth or sixth year of marriage that 1) he was mean to her and the children and she didn't like him well enough to have any more children with him although it was her dream to have a large family...or 2) she was lying (always a possibility with her). She swears she never lies because she's a 'decent christian', so we'll go with 1) the marriage was ruined by year 6. However, her husband stayed with her for another 13 or so years. He then had an affair, divorced her, and never spoke to her again. Twenty nine years later she is still whining about how meeeeeeeeean he was to her to have an affair and leave her, how she did EVERYTHING for him and made him the successful man he was, how she sacrificed EVERYTHING for him, how he had ALWAYS been mean to her, in fact her own mother had told her not to marrying him, and finally how he BROKE her HEART and she was never able to trust again. She tells the two stories over and over and over again, and I have never yet said (but want to): "Well, MIL, no wonder FIL had an affair and left you. By year six you didn't like him well enough to have another child with him (even though she did--something that is never explained in the 'I sacrificed my dreams of a big family for him' story) and clearly by that time didn't like him either. After all, he was mean to you and the kids. I don't blame you for not having more kids; in fact, I'm shocked that you didn't leave him. I certainly wouldn't have stayed with a man for THIRTEEN more years with a man who was mean to my kids. But--wait a minute...you didn't leave him, did you? He left you. I guess even MEAN people don't want to live with wives who don't like them. You would have stayed with him forever, as 'mean' as he was. I guess he found you just as unsatisfactory as you found him." Because isn't that the truth, people divorce without ever looking back when they are unhappy with the marriage. Now...those guys who want their cake and eat it too, that's a different story.
Recommended Posts