GingerLand Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I have been lurking on the forum for awhile now. Not sure if I wanted to join or not. because of the hostility I have seen. But then I thought about it. Maybe I could help someone. As you can see this is my first post and I hope it is received well. I have been involved with a married man for sometime now. I have heard all the horror stories. I have gone through many many emotions. From cryng and laughing. We have broken up countless times. We have been caught. But in the end we are together. As much as there are men out there who are flat out cheaters who want everything. A family , a wife at home. And a chick of the side. There are men out there who are UNHAPPY. They respect their wife as the mother of their children. But They dont love them. They do the adult thing and stay for a period of time until they can feel comfortable to leave knowing they did what was best for the children. The betrayed Wife doesnt want to hear that. But its the truth. And the truth isnt always pretty. You can tear that statement to shreads but the truth is the truth. No matter how many pieces you tear it into. Lets be honest not one of the Betrayed Wives that are on here that know the truth are going to admit it. They are going to fight tooth and nail with the women on here to stress the opposite. But like I said there are YOUR CAKE EATERS. And you know who they are. You know the signs . Whether you want to look at them or not. In short ladies you only know your man. This goes both ways to the wives and girlfriend out there. You and only you know him.
stillafool Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I am not a BS but a wife and I have to agree with you to a point. However, there are those MM who tell the OW they are only staying for the kids and they have no love for their wife. This most times is a total lie and men use their kids as an excuse not to leave their wives. When most times he is screwing the OW, his wife and enjoying both sides of the fence until he gets caught. When a MM gets caught that is his chance to leave. If he comes up with excuses after that he's full of ****. If a man wants to be with a woman nothing is going to stop him. Not the kids, wife, money or anything else.
BenThereDunThat Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I am not a BS but a wife and I have to agree with you to a point. However, there are those MM who tell the OW they are only staying for the kids and they have no love for their wife. This most times is a total lie and men use their kids as an excuse not to leave their wives. When most times he is screwing the OW, his wife and enjoying both sides of the fence until he gets caught. When a MM gets caught that is his chance to leave. If he comes up with excuses after that he's full of ****. If a man wants to be with a woman nothing is going to stop him. Not the kids, wife, money or anything else. VERY well said!!
noforgiveness Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Gingerland wonderful you have such confidence in your relationship even after the numerous times you have broken up and a dday. So has he left his wife or did he beg her forgiveness after dday? How old are his kids? I really believe if they don't leave after a dday they aren't going anywhere. A dday is their out. They are already disgraced or shamed persay with all their family and friends. The kids do find out whether told or overheard and it is out. Leaving after dday because much easier than staying in the home and having to face his wife daily and his hurt and betrayed children. After dday I'm sure his home situation really became hell for a while. If he did not leave why would he put himself through that torture an the lies of reassuring his wife that he wants to stay married?
PoshPrincess Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 GingerLand, your post was very well said and I totally agree with you in every aspect, even though my MM didn't leave. There are some 'good ones' out there! When a MM gets caught that is his chance to leave. If he comes up with excuses after that he's full of ****. If a man wants to be with a woman nothing is going to stop him. Not the kids, wife, money or anything else. Sorry, StillHere but I don't agree. Sure there are many that use this as an excuse. Maybe I am naiive in defending my exMM and maybe he didn't love me ENOUGH to leave, I don't know. He didn't leave in the end because he couldn't put his kids (his daughter in particular as she had lots of problems) through anymore pain and I totally respect him for that. I don't think I'm stupid; I'm 35 and have lived enough to know when someone is playing me and I truly don't think he was. He was just deeply confused and torn. I DO believe he loved me but at the end of the day, and quite rightly of course, he loved his kids more. I know he has done the right thing (for his kids, even if not for himself) and I hope he can rectify any problems he has with his W and reconcile his love for her otherwise none of this would have been worth it.
PoshPrincess Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Sorry, StillHere APOLIOGIES, I HAVE MY POSTERS MIXED UP - I SHOULD HAVE SAID, 'STILL A FOOL'. IT IS FRIDAY AFTERNOON HERE! IT'S BEEN A TIRING WEEK.
Jinxx Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 If a man wants to be with a woman nothing is going to stop him. Not the kids, wife, money or anything else. As a former BW many years a go -- this is so very true. Hi Gingerland -- what is your situation now with your MM?
stillafool Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Sorry, StillHere but I don't agree. Sure there are many that use this as an excuse. Maybe I am naiive in defending my exMM and maybe he didn't love me ENOUGH to leave, I don't know. He didn't leave in the end because he couldn't put his kids (his daughter in particular as she had lots of problems) through anymore pain and I totally respect him for that. I don't think I'm stupid; I'm 35 and have lived enough to know when someone is playing me and I truly don't think he was. He was just deeply confused and torn. I DO believe he loved me but at the end of the day, and quite rightly of course, he loved his kids more. I know he has done the right thing (for his kids, even if not for himself) and I hope he can rectify any problems he has with his W and reconcile his love for her otherwise none of this would have been worth it. I certainly wasn't implying that anyone here is stupid. I was giving my opinion on this and every situation is different. I still say MM use their children as an excuse not to leave. The truth - they aren't divorcing their kids but their wife. Why do they keep using the kids as their excuse - because they know there is nothing a good woman can say when a man choses to make a decision based on their kids. It makes them seem like a really nice guy. The truth is if they cared that much about their kids they wouldn't be screwing around in the first place. Is it good for the kids to live in a house where the father hates the mother - NO! That would be a far less healthy situation than having parents who were happy in their homes. Children are far more resilient than adults and when they realize that no one can take daddy or mommy's love from them they will be okay. However, the man is not okay giving up his warm home with the wife and kids in it - it's everything he has worked for.
frannie Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Hello GingerLand and welcome to the forum Great first post.
Art_Critic Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 but the truth is the truth. No matter how many pieces you tear it into. good words..... how people view the truth is another matter...
Crash Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 My two cents-- Sometimes the MM doesn't leave because of the security of the relationship - even a terrible relationship. That happens a lot, whether there is OW/OM or not. Many many people stay in unhappy marriages because they are afraid to leave, afraid to lose their kids, afraid of the unknown, afraid of being alone, afraid of losing material things and/or money. In an affair situation it may not have anything to do with love for either the spouse or the OW/OM. But I think it's always about self-love, self-perservation - and a miserable marriage or relationship can still be something a person can't bring themselves to leave, even if they are pining with love for someone else. An analogy (and I stress analogy - I'm not comparing a job to a marriage) would be if you've ever had a miserable job and kept saying you're going to find a new one, but keep dragging your feet about actually doing it. There's a certain comfort and security even in misery.
herenow Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Congratulations GingerLand on finding such true love. I wish you the best with your relationship. Actually, I should congratulate the MM. He certainly has it made. Two women who are willing to share him and give up their chance for a love that's truly committed to them. GingerLand, you are the dream girl for every MM that has an affair.
Author GingerLand Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 I will not feed into the negativity. But I will say this. If you love someone and they love you. They are your best friend heart and soul. You know them better then anyone and they know you. You never thought he would cheat. You are the only one who knows the reason why. You are the only one who knows why he stays or why you stay. I am sorry those of you who that feel cheated and lied to. If he shows you he wants to work it out. Then he shows you that makes you believe he wants to work it out. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOW HIM. BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW HIM.
herenow Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I will not feed into the negativity. But I will say this. If you love someone and they love you. They are your best friend heart and soul. You know them better then anyone and they know you. You never thought he would cheat. You are the only one who knows the reason why. You are the only one who knows why he stays or why you stay. I am sorry those of you who that feel cheated and lied to. If he shows you he wants to work it out. Then he shows you that makes you believe he wants to work it out. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOW HIM. BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW HIM. Actually, I have to completely disagree with this. When a MM cheats and continues to cheat, HE is the only one that knows why. Proof is in the pudding as they say. If your MM was caught and he stays with his wife and continues to have a relationship with you, neither you or his wife are getting the complete truth. HE is the only one that really knows what is going on. I would bet my life on that!!!!!!!!!!
NoIDidn't Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 In short ladies you only know your man. This goes both ways to the wives and girlfriend out there. You and only you know him. Welcome GingerLand. Now that I'm done with the formalities. I found your whole post to be BUNK. I've only quoted the part that's worth something. And it is the reason that your post is BUNK. You start off by implying that the OW knows the MM better than the W. Regardless of all the conversations had in the short period of time with a MM, the W still knows him better. She might hate him more, but she certainly KNOWS him better than the uninvited guest.
stillafool Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I will not feed into the negativity. But I will say this. If you love someone and they love you. They are your best friend heart and soul. You know them better then anyone and they know you. You never thought he would cheat. You are the only one who knows the reason why. You are the only one who knows why he stays or why you stay. I am sorry those of you who that feel cheated and lied to. If he shows you he wants to work it out. Then he shows you that makes you believe he wants to work it out. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOW HIM. BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW HIM. I don't blame you for not feeding into negativity but you have to realize that at one point and maybe now his wife was his best friend heart and soul. This is before the kids came along, this is when he thought this was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and proved it by taking her to the alter. His wife could say the exact same things you posted above. I agree with herenow, neither of you are getting the truth. He is acting on what feels good for him and he's having it all right now.
noforgiveness Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Welcome GingerLand. Now that I'm done with the formalities. I found your whole post to be BUNK. I've only quoted the part that's worth something. And it is the reason that your post is BUNK. You start off by implying that the OW knows the MM better than the W. Regardless of all the conversations had in the short period of time with a MM, the W still knows him better. She might hate him more, but she certainly KNOWS him better than the uninvited guest. That always cracks me up. Can you imagine thinking you know the mm better than his wife? How well can you actually know a man when you do not even see how he interacts with his children, his parents, his brothers and sisters etc. How well can you possiby know someone when you are a hidden part of his life that he can not share with his friends? This man has a whole OTHER life besides you gingerland that you only get to peek through the window of his words at.
herenow Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I think this is another one of those posts where the poster says that she doesn't want to be negative, but she knows that her post will create drama. So she starts another argument between OW and BW and then sits back and says, "gee why are you so angry?". I congratulate you on your happiness with the MM and that you have found your true love. I wish you years of joy. I can only hope that his wife dumps him so that the two of you can live happily ever after. Now how is that negative?
Author GingerLand Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 I never said the OW knows the MM better. What i said was the only he loves knows him the best. Because he wants THAT person to know the real true him. That could be the wife or the other woman. Please dont twist words. I knew my post was not going to be taken well. But the person that knows YOU is the person you allow to know YOU. Same goes for him.
Author GingerLand Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Can i ask one thing. If the Wife knows him the best why does she ask him WHY DID YOU CHEAT? Why didnt you see him unhappy? Why didnt you care enough to see him UNHAPPY? (but yet again I never said who knows him the best - I said the one he wants to know him , know him the best )
herenow Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Can i ask one thing. If the Wife knows him the best why does she ask him WHY DID YOU CHEAT? Why didnt you see him unhappy? Why didnt you care enough to see him UNHAPPY? (but yet again I never said who knows him the best - I said the one he wants to know him , know him the best ) The MM that cheats wants both the OW and the W to believe that he wants to be with them the most. It isn't until he makes a choice and really begins to fix the problems within himself that he will let the person he wants to be with know his true self. I know why my husband cheated and it had nothing to do with me or the OW. It was all about him. We have been seriously working on our marriage, which I have always admitted had been neglected, for a year now. I can say that we have both changed how we deal with each other and have built a new and stronger relationship. For the first time, I can say that I know what my husband is all about. There is no possible way that a man can have a relationship with two women at the same time and be honest with either one of them or himself for that matter.
BenThereDunThat Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Can i ask one thing. If the Wife knows him the best why does she ask him WHY DID YOU CHEAT? Why didnt you see him unhappy? Why didnt you care enough to see him UNHAPPY? (but yet again I never said who knows him the best - I said the one he wants to know him , know him the best ) Because most of the time he is NOT UNHAPPY at home!! He's not going to sit there and tell the OW that life at home is just fine, because that would be admitting that she's just a little side piece. I'm sure that's not always the case. I'll say it again for the 100th (and final) time - it is only a VERY, VERY small percentage. Married people conducting an affair are being secretive - why does it not occur to you that he is lying to you just as much as he is her? Unless he actually leaves his wife to be with you (or you can turn yourself into a fly and hang out on their wall 24/7), you cannot 100% believe everything he is telling you.
Author GingerLand Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Cant be a fly on the wall . But close enough.
herenow Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Why is it that the OW always think it's the MM that stays for the kids? How do you know that the MM isn't begging to stay and telling his wife that he loves her more than anything in the world, but she lets him stay only because of the kids? How do you know the the wife doesn't want to kick his cheating butt out, but stays married to him for the kids sake? That would make the MM much less of a prize if you knew that he really loves his wife and the wife is the one that stays for the kids.
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