anna13 Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Hi , well as you know my H and I have been seperated for months , almost 6 months now. he left cause he said he couldnt handle the stress, and to make a long story short we have been trying to work it out . I knew what part I had in causing the seperation and i know what part he had. the problem is , now that i look back , he never took te responsibility of leaving us. I think it was such an unmanly thing to do , i think it was cowardly , he was stressed so he left? whatever. so i have just put it behind me , because me dwelling on that would not help us rebuild the relationship . Things seem to be going well , probobly because we are not living together. he says he is different he has self observed and knows how he will handle his stress better. when we first seperated i was so desperate to keep us together. I worked so hard . he has never worked hard on us , not in my opinion. lately his been really nice to me . . makes me go hmmm... but i find myself feeling annoyed by him , maybe my bitterness, maybe because deep inside I know that he isnt the man I thought i married , cause that guy would not have left . I want to work it out, but now I dont trust him , I dont really respect him . I dont tell him my feelings. I do want to stay married , I do want us to work out but I can say that even thought things are going "well" .. I can't say in confidence that we will stay together. so much time apart, gave me alot of time to think , the other night i was thinking about being single for no particular reason .. my H and i were getting along fine ( we dont live together) .. I just thought to myself if we didnt work out how sad I would be but ... I could exept being single for the rest of my life. not because I dont think i would meet someone , but just thinking if I didnt meet anyone I will be alright Ill be fine just being single and reflecting on my life till my old age and then eventual passing . So I am still married but i feel alone . very strange and hard to explain. a friend told me that maybe once he moves back in maybe I will feel differently . i am not dreaming of being single or anything like that, the thought just came and left me . strange i know, i dont understand it myself. if we dont work out I will be crushed. but somehow i feel that if that did happen , i will be fine once i get out of the darkness. I know I am kinda babbling here. . just felt like venting . he is supposed to spend the weekend here. you would think i would be very happy about it .. i have to say , I feel a lack of exitment over it . I dont know , maybe this is my defensive mechanism kicking in , maybe I dont want to feel anything so i try to prevent further pain . I have to figure out a way to forgive and forget that he left me ,, because everytime i think of it , I get really angry inside, the first words that come to my mind is Coward! he is such a coward. ... there is that song by Cheryl Crow where she sings .. "are you strong enough to be my man " my answer to that when I think of my husband is ..no , he isnt. maybe i am just bitter, I dont know , just felt like venting , because i feel confused and conflicted.maybe I should be happy , we are working out so far , for now .. that is what i wanted after all. what the hec is with me .? .maybe my friend is right , maybe once he moves back in the routine will be back and my feelings will be different. .anyway .. thanks for reading.
dgiirl Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Hey Anna, I dont think your confused at all! It sounds like you have a good grasp of your feelings. I remember reading in some books about divorce and reconciliation that after the dusts settles, very often the betrayed spouse, the one who was left, feels very resentful and angry towards the wayward spouse. I think it's very common because in the beginning you're just so desperate and frantic to hold your marriage together that you are willing to do anything. But after some time, once you get a grip on the situation, and once things start to calm down, you start to reflect on what happened and you feel very angry that they left. I think it's good to acknowledge these feelings to yourself in order to work through them. Are you going to individual counselling? It might be helpful to speak to a therapist who's seen this type of situations before and be able to help you work through your anger in a very constructive way. As for seeing yourself being single for the rest of your life and being ok, the truth is you WILL be ok, even if you were single for the rest of your life. I think this is a VERY good realization and gives you some power back over your relationship. The last thing you want to do is be so completely dependent on a person that you're willing to do anything and everything for that person, including things that lose your self-respect. A marriage is a partnership and both of the couple have needs and desires. Both need to get something out of the relationship. By this self-realization, you're just holding onto your cards and realizing that if your needs are not met in this relationship, you'll do fine somewhere else. You're no longer emotionally black mailed by the threat of him leaving. This is good! Having said all of this, you really need to ask yourself what it truly is you want. If you WANT your marriage, then you need to find a way to forgive your spouse. I dont recall your story, so I'm not familiar with the reasons he left, however, you might do well to read up on marriages that suffered from infidelity and how they recovered. I dont recall if your husband cheated on you or not, but even if he didnt, the fact that he left is still a betrayal. I think the fact that my exh LEFT me hurt me much more than the fact that my exh cheated on me. By reading other stories of reconciliation after infidelity, I'm sure you'll read other women/men who became very resentful and learn how they overcame those feelings.
PWSX3 Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Anna, I think I might have an idea of what you are going thru because I am having some of the same thoughts. As you know me & the W are still trying to work things out, but I have some of these same feelings. We have gone out a few times and it just doesn't seem like there is a spark or I don't have the feelings I think I should have. I wonder if maybe it's because you are trying to better yourself and you are seeing there is room for improvement but your H isn't doing this so you wonder if he is really what you want? I feel even though the one that moves out still needs to work on the relationship, but they see it as all your or in my case my fault and they don't think there is anything wrong with them. I also feel until the person that moves out steps up to the plate and admits there is things they did and there is things they can work on then even if you do all the work that you have done things still won't work out if you get back together. Now, like Gunny has said many of times, guys see things different and we need to just go and get away and work things out in our own way. We are fixers and so we feel we need to fix everything and sometimes there isn't any fixing to be done, just changes in what we do or how we treat people. So don't feel like you are the only one with these thoughts because I'm in that same boat as you are and I bet there have been many others. Just like we have both learned, the only person we can have any control over is ourselves and if we keep worrying about others in what they are doing it will drive us NUTS!!! I do know like Dgiirl said, I am learning I can live on my own and so can you. It might not be what we really want, but it's something you know you can do. I'm glad you posted this question, thanks!!!
Author anna13 Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 I dont recall your story, so I'm not familiar with the reasons he left, however, you might do well to read up on marriages that suffered from infidelity and how they recovered. there is no infedelity involved , he left me because he said he couldnt stand the stress at home, he said he couldnt stand me and left and got his own place. he was cold to me and i worked hard to improve things between us . but like you said even though there is no infedelity involved , it is a Betrayal for me. he did bretray me by leaving me when times got hard, not for better or for worse i guess huh ... you're just holding onto your cards and realizing that if your needs are not met in this relationship, you'll do fine somewhere else. You're no longer emotionally black mailed by the threat of him leaving. This is good! i feel that is what i am doing too , just holding on to my cards, i surely dont want to divorse but at the same time the same devistation that i went through when he first left will not happen again . I wonder if maybe it's because you are trying to better yourself and you are seeing there is room for improvement but your H isn't doing this so you wonder if he is really what you want? yes i do wonder quietly , if this is what i want . if he is what i want. because like i said i dont really respect him now. i dont tell him that because that because that would not help us save our marriage but these are feelings i do have . he is supposed to be spending the weekend here. i am sick to my stomach. not the feelings i am supposed to have is it . I miss him but there is a wall. a wall that has gone up now. he will not get through it ever again. even if we do stay together , and manage to somehow have a normal decent relationship. there will always be a wall there . he cant change that . that is what happens when you leave your spouse .it isnt vengence , but it is more of self preservation for me i guess. hopefully things will change for the better. if we dont work out i dont know what i will do , i know i will be sad but at least this time it wont feel like someone droped a bomb on me and blew up my world. i guess for now i better not think so negatively . i better stay positive.
Recommended Posts