kimba Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Until a few weeks ago (see post www.loveshack.org/forums/t110562/ ) ("tossed aside" under friendship forum) I had 5 close friends. So I lost my best male friend (ex Friend number 1) as the above post sadly illustrates. Friend number 2 is best friends with ex Friend number 1 - so due to loyalty to him - won't return my calls. Friend number 3 - best female friend for 18 years. She meddled in the friendship between me and ex friend number 1. Said some things about me, really petty things and I found out she had a huge bitch session over the phone with him saying that I rely too much on him and helped turn him off me. So I'm really pissed off with her. She was always really jealous of us. We are still friends. However, I am not "allowed" to discuss the break up of me and Friend Number 1 with her, as she is in contact with him. I am going through this terrible grief of losing ex Friend Number 1, it has consumed me and I'm not allowed to discuss it with her. Have to make ****ing happy chit chat. Pretend like it never happened. Nothing like this has ever happened to her so she has no idea what I am going through. I am NC with ex Friend number 1 and I feel REALLY uncomfortable that they are in contact. Previous to all of this they hardly ever spoke and really don't have anything in common except their connection to me. Friend number 4- male friend- known him for 10 years. He recently broke up with his girlfriend. After that him and 'ex Friend number 1" became closer. He has a loyalty to him now. Friend number 5- been friends with her for 8 years. Have lived with her - helped her thru some very very difficult times. She is the ex girlfriend of Friend number 4. She is also the constant companion still of Friend number 4. They get invited to ex Friend Number 1's house, ( are you confused yet?). So I have no friends left. The reason all of this happened in the first place was because I became short tempered and angry duue to a build up of grief. (my dad died in april). I've lost too many people in one year. I feel just awful and i don't know how I'm going to continue. Basically I'm just being ignored by them all. all these people that I've always been there for. But on the other hand I'm so sick of all the crap that I just want NC with everyone.
MotherGooze Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 if they are real friends, I don't think you've lost them. I think you need some time for yourself, and figure out what went wrong. You say you lost them, so you're just gonna give up on them? Why don't you sit down and have a talk about it.
Author kimba Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 I just feel so uncomfortable that they are still in contact with him - and the ironic thing is they met him through me. Its just wierd that they know how he is and i don't - when he used to be my best friend. I just miss him so much -- just feel like I have been cut out of the whole loop- my whole circle of friends has dissolved. Just my loneliness is overwhelming.
MotherGooze Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I think I kinda understand how you feel. But it's not because they get along with him that you can't. Me and my ex have mutual friends. Yesterday I had dinner with my ex best friend. It was good to talk to him about my ex, because he knows him so well. Afterwards he went to my ex, tat was kind of weird, because normally I would come along, but I didn't feel sad. Call your friends, tell them how you feel, they'd surely understand. If they are really friends they won't choose sides, but be there for both of you, they might feel a bit unfortable but that's because they don't want to hurt you or your ex.
Author kimba Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 i feel like leaving this place completely and dropping off the face of the earth. I don't want to call them because they'll just thinking I'm calling to find out "goss" on him, the whole situation is just really uncomfortable.. I also don't want him to find out or hear anything about how I'm doing. If he wants NC thats what he's gunna get. They can all have NC. I feel so betrayed by all of them.
Am4Real Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 i feel like leaving this place completely and dropping off the face of the earth. I don't want to call them because they'll just thinking I'm calling to find out "goss" on him, the whole situation is just really uncomfortable.. I also don't want him to find out or hear anything about how I'm doing. If he wants NC thats what he's gunna get. They can all have NC. I feel so betrayed by all of them. Kimba, Is there another part to this story that has not been revealed to us, these friends (if that is what they are?) gang up on you doesn't make sense unless there is some underlying reason for their solidarity. Is there anything you can think of or want to tell us about? Am4Real
Author kimba Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 there is absolutely nothing else to this story apart from the other stuff below. This is what baffles me. They are not actually "ganging up on me" as such, all that has happened is in my post www.loveshack.org/forums/t110562/ and that is all that has happened. Its not an outright "ganging up situation"- its more sort of insidious, underlying. They are avoiding me- i suppose they don't want to hear about our "break up" and yet I know that they are still in contact with him. My biggest gripe is with my best female friend of 18 years. She says she "doesn't want to get involved" and yet she's the one who has had a hand in our break up. The male friend that I've "broken up with" we were friends for 4 years. She says that I would only ever call her when i had a problem with him!!!!!! This is absolutely and totally not true. It is such an exaggeration. Any time she would ring me, she NEVER EVER asks how I am- not even Hi how are you- she just launches into this massive tirade about work politics (she's a teacher)- never asks if i'm busy- and you can never ever get a word in. Some people have heard me on the phone to her- and they have said- "did you actually say ANYTHING in this whole conversation?" Last time I mentioned him to her (in a text message) about 3 weeks ago, I got this horrible text back saying that I only ever contact her about him!!!!!! Its just rubbish - we've been friends for much longer than I've known him. its just total bull****. NOW - this is what I suspect- I actually think they she told HIM this lie (that i always talk about him) in order to turn him off me- because the explanation for our "break up" was "we rely too much on each other, and we are too codependent etc" and that we were getting too obsessional with each other. Obsessional??? its really like she has manufactured some exaggerated story and told him. It was so out of the blue. He did rely on me too much, he rang me every day. We both knew we were really close and maybe too close- but its been like that for 4 years right from the start. She also told me recently that she thought the friendship was unhealthy- and then next thing I know- in the "break up'' speech was the word "unhealthy". Its just wierd and smells really fishy. She has been totally jealous of our friendship the whole time. me and him went on a holiday at the beginning of december at surfers paradise. we had this little unit booked- we were going to a music festival for the weekend there. So it was just the two of us. She rings me up and tells me that she is going to come down. Uninvited- just barging on in on our plans. When she got there she was saying all these snide comments about how cosy we looked in our unit. But its like yeah , its like she has said something to him. Her crapping on about work incessantly and not asking about me is something that has been going on for the last few years. and also saying that the she wasn't the one who suggested cancelling the holiday(she actually wanted to cancel it, and i still have the text to prove it). Its just all lies lies lies. And its so petty and ****ing stupid. To top it off - she expects me just to pretend like nothing has happened - like I haven't lost my best friend, like everything is fine. She is being really nice to me now- like she is happy she got him out of the way almost. Its like she is thinking - well I taught her a lesson - she's back in her place now. I am just so angry with her. God i've really been crapping on haven't I???? sorry
Kittiecat Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Remember this - you are your #1 friend. The rest are just little bits of icing on your cake. So many people are in the same boat. I do believe that true friends are very rare - sort of like finding a diamond on the sidewalk. The cake is sweet enough.
SummerRae Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Remember this - you are your #1 friend. The rest are just little bits of icing on your cake. So many people are in the same boat. I do believe that true friends are very rare - sort of like finding a diamond on the sidewalk. The cake is sweet enough. TOTALLY. If there's anything I've realized it's this: we have some friends that come and go. If they are really your friends, you are not going to be the one doing all the work. I have been in similar situations to what you are speaking of. It is not fun, and it feels awefully lonely, especially considering all the History you have with these people. But there are other friends out there. It takes time and from each friend we often give and garner something different. Some friends are FUN friends. We go out with them, have drinks, make small talk, laugh. But it's all just FUN. Other friends, are your "thick and thin" friends. We can call them at all hours and talk about all things. Conversations are often deep and intense. Sometimes fun, but mostly based on the Depth these relationships provide. FUN and Depth Friends are often two different things. (Of course there are other types of friends too, but my point is: sometimes the reasons for our friendships no longer serve us or them and it's time to move on to other friendships that are a reflection of WHO WE ARE NOW.) What you have to ask yourself is: Are these friends a reflection of who I am today? Do I want them to be? It sounds to me like maybe you have outgrown them?
Author kimba Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Remember this - you are your #1 friend. The rest are just little bits of icing on your cake. So many people are in the same boat. I do believe that true friends are very rare - sort of like finding a diamond on the sidewalk. The cake is sweet enough. that is a really nice thing to say. I guess I've neglected myself in the pursuit of maintaining intense friendships. And so now the main one is gone - I've been like "who the hell am I?" Did I really spend that much time with him? What you have to ask yourself is: Are these friends a reflection of who I am today? Do I want them to be? It sounds to me like maybe you have outgrown them? Summer rae- maybe you have hit the nail on the head. Maybe even my friendship with the guy that busted up had just run its course. A new development though - I have just come back from the pub - met up with the female friend that I've known for 18 yrs - the one I was pissed off with. Didn't intend to do this - but we started talking about him and how we busted up and because i had made this post - i just straight out I asked her if there was anything she said that she thinks might have pushed him to make the decision. She admitted she had had a big bitch session with him about how angry they were with me about the holiday. And had said to him that she thought our relationship was unhealthy and that I talked to her about it whenever we'd had a fight. But she doesn't think she told him anything that he didn't already know. She says now she's worried that she might have contributed to it. She said that my outburst at everyone was unresolved grief over dads death in april. And that maybe I could attempt again to get him to meet up with me to see how I am better. But no, I think its too late. So i am happy at least that i have been able to be frank with her, I feel a lot more relaxed.
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