Why does it hurt so much, if it was the right thing to do? WHY?

[Forget About Her]

I was with this girl for 1.5 years.

 

In the begining, everything was great. I got the attention, I felt good about myself, we were always talking, etc. Our relationship slowly faded to only seeing each other 3-4 times a week, not going out so much, just laying in bed. We don't talk on the phone as much (1-2 times a day) and not for that long. Never went to the movies, out to dinner, anything like that anymore. She always seemed annoyed with me, and I wasn't happy.

 

Anyway, my relationship came to an abrupt end 2 days ago, when she found out I was "spending time" with another girl, who was filling the void. I was incredibly unhappy with my relationship, but couldn't bring myself to end it, because I loved her.

 

Well now that it's over, I know it is for the best, because I was never happy, and I would always tell my friends how I know I should end it, and we shouldn't be together. BUT, why am I in so much pain. I can't see her without getting upset, or even talk about it. I know it was the right move, because I tried to fix things, for a long time, and they just never got better.

 

Does anyone have any experience, advice, anything?

[spinback]

Sorry to hear about your upset, but at the same time I'm relieved to hear that there are people going through almost exactly what I am.

 

My experience loosely follows yours. During the good times, I'd say I had about as much contact with my girlfriend as you describe in your post (I found that level of contact about right, if not a little more). I had the attention I wanted, we got on brilliantly, and we told each other everything. When we moved to different universities in September, things went downhill, and we begun to see each other perhaps only once every two or three weeks. Similarly, we spoke on the phone less (maybe once every two or three days) and the majority of our relationship was conducted through text messaging which, needless to say, wasn't good. At Christmas, she barely seemed to want to see me at all. Obviously I became very unhappy with the pathetically small amount of contact we had and I couldn't understand why she'd begun to get annoyed with me for no apparent reason. To top it off, I felt like I couldn't really trust her any more. Like you, I was always telling my friends I should end it. I broke it off one month ago today, after being with her for well over two years.

 

I love her now as much as I ever did, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. But in the end I know I made the right move -- it was never going to go anywhere while I was that unhappy, and I spent about 10 weeks agonising over the decision before finally ending it. Every time I find myself thinking about her now, I just remind myself of all the reasons I was unhappy with her, and on the whole I feel better for doing so. On the plus side, I don't have to worry about why she's annoyed with me, whether she's up to anything behind my back, we she hasn't contacted, etc... I can finally let that stuff go.

 

My advice would be firstly:

 

Get rid of anything that is likely to remind you of her. Things like photos just brought back fond memories for me; I ended up questioning my decision, which I now know was the right one to make.

 

Secondly:

 

Don't have any contact with her. It's very difficult; you don't want her to think you don't care about her and so on, but in my experience, any form of contact with your ex while you still have feelings for her is only going to set you back a stage (I've learnt this too many times in the last month).

 

Thirdly:

 

Keep as busy as you can. Since I'm at uni, I've been going out lots, meeting new girls, working out... anything that stops me mentally excruciating every detail and fond memory of my ex.

 

In the end, breakups are always going to be hard. Thinking back to when I was in your situation, I can remember the dispair I felt and how I believed I'd never be able to get past it -- and while I'm still not over my ex, every day that goes by I feel that tiny bit better. As they say... time is the only healer.

[Krytellan]

I was with this girl for 1.5 years.

 

In the begining, everything was great. I got the attention, I felt good about myself, we were always talking, etc. Our relationship slowly faded to only seeing each other 3-4 times a week, not going out so much, just laying in bed. We don't talk on the phone as much (1-2 times a day) and not for that long. Never went to the movies, out to dinner, anything like that anymore. She always seemed annoyed with me, and I wasn't happy.

 

I read this and think that if seeing each other 3-4 times a week and talking 1-2 times per day is barely, then maybe she was getting worn out with not having as much time to herself as she needs. How much were you guys hanging out and talking on the phone before?

[MotherGooze]

Yeah I also agree that spending so much time together is maybe too much. Things got boring after a while, and you didn't do anything exciting anymore. I think you feel bad, because you wanted to end the relationship, because it was getting broing, and you didn't have fun together anymore. But I do think you had lot's of feelings for the girl. Maybe you two needed more space, so the relationship could have gotten more exciting.