Crash Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Hi, I'm new, though I have been lurking on and off for awhile. I just got involved with a mm a couple of months ago. I don't get to see him much and never have any way to contact him except at work. He left me a message there last night cancelling seeing me. Then he avoided me the whole day. When I finally got a half minute to talk to him he said he's so busy, overwhelmed and has meetings out of the office today and tomorrow. Well, that was a lie. He's just taking time off. I guess he just didn't feel like seeing me and doesn't want to tell me he's taking a couple of days off and that's the reason he was busy. I'm sick. I didn't think he'd be like this. Also, I left him a message and he was not going to call me back, I'm sure. He said he wasn't avoiding me but I'm sure he was. I asked him if he got my message and he said yes but obviously did not call me back. I won't get to resolve this until next week, one way or the other and I'm not looking forward to feeling lousy until then.
puddleofmud Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Sometimes its not where the lies start but where they end: it's all in your pretty little hands to decide that one, sweetie! Don't feel lousy unless you wish to feel lousy. You have the perfect right to decide how you feel without him. Take the right to your own self-enjoyment:) Hugs to you!
outofdarkness Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Hi, I'm new, though I have been lurking on and off for awhile. I just got involved with a mm a couple of months ago. I don't get to see him much and never have any way to contact him except at work. He left me a message there last night cancelling seeing me. Then he avoided me the whole day. When I finally got a half minute to talk to him he said he's so busy, overwhelmed and has meetings out of the office today and tomorrow. Well, that was a lie. He's just taking time off. I guess he just didn't feel like seeing me and doesn't want to tell me he's taking a couple of days off and that's the reason he was busy. I'm sick. I didn't think he'd be like this. Also, I left him a message and he was not going to call me back, I'm sure. He said he wasn't avoiding me but I'm sure he was. I asked him if he got my message and he said yes but obviously did not call me back. I won't get to resolve this until next week, one way or the other and I'm not looking forward to feeling lousy until then. He's probrably playing games with you..I wouldn't let it go any further because you have only been with him a couple of months and he is already acting strangly and standoffish. chances are he may have other OW's...sorry you're hurting...can you try to concentrate on yourself and/or finding someone who's single? Just trying to help.
Author Crash Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Thanks for your positive feedback, POM. I really appreciate it. I don't know how to deal with this when I see him. I don't want it to end yet, but I don't want him to treat me like this either. It was so unnecessary. If he'd just not avoided me the way he did and made a point of talking to me to tell me everything was ok (because he's done some crazy things in the past that put us at risk) I would have been fine. Instead I'm so upset and have no way to resolve it until, probably, Tuesday. He didn't seem to care at all that I might be upset all weekend. If I hadn't made a point of seeing him, I don't think he would have bothered to get in touch. We've been through that before, but I thought we'd settled it and understood each other. I don't know why he dissed me like that or how to discuss it with him when I get the chance.
Jane Doe Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 You've only got a couple of months invested in him. Cut your losses NOW. This is the time he's supposed to be "courting" you and securing his position in your life. If he's treating you this way already, trust me, you don't have anything to look forward to except more of the same and worse. When a man is into you, he'll move heaven and earth to see you, talk to you, connect with you. Clearly this guy isn't doing that.
Author Crash Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Thanks Outofdarkness. I'm trying to decide how to deal with this and not take this bs, whether it means ending it or what. It's been a couple of months but we've been friends for longer and I thought I could rely on that. That's why I don't understand how or why he acted like this. I don't think he has other OWs. He is watched pretty closely from home. But he might have been stressed out and I'm getting the feeling he has found a new "whipping 'boy'" for his stress - me. I don't like it, that's for sure.
Author Crash Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Janedoe, It's only been a couple of months full force, but it started awhile ago, then stopped. There's been a build up for a long time and I have very strong feelings for him. But you're right, he's not acting like he's into me - except sometimes. He pursued me - though I'm not sure he realizes that - but he's inexperienced and does nothing the way the typical mm does. I wonder if he's testing me to see what he can get away with.
hardknocks Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 we all agree. run away. before you get stuck. A's are psychological traps that even good srong people fall into and have a hell of a time getting out of. it's not worth it. run while you can!
Curmudgeon Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I'm sick. I didn't think he'd be like this. What? You didn't think he'd lie? He's been lying to his wife so why not you? I'm sorry but the lies and deceptions go with the territory. Since this is in the relatively young stages I hope you learn the lessons that are there for you, cut him loose, redeem your self respect and in the future, concentrate on men who are available.
Jinxx Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 You've only got a couple of months invested in him. Cut your losses NOW. This is the time he's supposed to be "courting" you and securing his position in your life. If he's treating you this way already, trust me, you don't have anything to look forward to except more of the same and worse. When a man is into you, he'll move heaven and earth to see you, talk to you, connect with you. Clearly this guy isn't doing that. I agree with this -- very well said. A couple of months is nothing. You invest one more second of your time in this relationship then you are only asking for more heartache. It just isn't worth it.
NearlyThere Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Hi, I'm new, though I have been lurking on and off for awhile. I just got involved with a mm a couple of months ago. I don't get to see him much and never have any way to contact him except at work. He left me a message there last night cancelling seeing me. Then he avoided me the whole day. When I finally got a half minute to talk to him he said he's so busy, overwhelmed and has meetings out of the office today and tomorrow. Well, that was a lie. He's just taking time off. I guess he just didn't feel like seeing me and doesn't want to tell me he's taking a couple of days off and that's the reason he was busy. I'm sick. I didn't think he'd be like this. Also, I left him a message and he was not going to call me back, I'm sure. He said he wasn't avoiding me but I'm sure he was. I asked him if he got my message and he said yes but obviously did not call me back. I won't get to resolve this until next week, one way or the other and I'm not looking forward to feeling lousy until then. Sorry, but I have to agree with what everyone else has said, break away right now, use the time from now and when he is next due back into work to end it in your mind and heart before your have gone to far emotionally. I know you must think we are all negative on here, but we really are looking out for you. Like someone else said even the strongest people can falter. Just have a look back thru all the old threads and posts on here and the heartache that is sure to follow.
frannie Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I agree with the others too. Affairs don't have to be like that. If he's acting like a p**** now, just imagine how much worse it's going to get. Do yourself a favour and get out of it now.
MotherGooze Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Run away now, how can you think he's an honest man when he isn't faithful towards his wife. Really you're gonna get hurt a lot if you proceed.
Author Crash Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 I don't know why all my posts are getting reviewed by moderators before they get posted. I have put down a couple and they're still not posted. I guess by the time this one is they will be though. There is more than two months invested - there's been a lot of buildup (months) and then something happened between us and he panicked. For almost two months I was miserable and then it started up again. The reason I didn't think he'd lie to me right now is because there was no reason to do it. No reason to avoid me. He could have taken a couple of minutes to talk to me and everything would have been fine. I thought we understood each other on that consideration issue - we've talked about it before. I'm sure he's under stress, but he seemed fine - busy, but laughing and relaxed with other people.
ratingsguy Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 You've only got a couple of months invested in him. Cut your losses NOW. This is the time he's supposed to be "courting" you and securing his position in your life. If he's treating you this way already, trust me, you don't have anything to look forward to except more of the same and worse. When a man is into you, he'll move heaven and earth to see you, talk to you, connect with you. Clearly this guy isn't doing that. I also agree that this was very well said. The longer you let this drag out, the more painful it will be to remove yourself from the situation you've found yourself in. I'd rather break up now and go through a few weeks of hurting as opposed to many many months or even years of pain. People tell white lies. I know I've told friends that I was busy, when in reality I just wanted to relax at home. But when you're dealing with a MW or MM, you have to take it with a grain of salt. Or just don't believe it at all... lol. Good luck to you.
PoshPrincess Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Welcome to the world of being a OW! It's full of lies and pain and only the very lucky few come out the other side with their man to show for all the hurt they've been through! I totally agree with what Jane Doe said too. Get out NOW. You have to, before you get even more emotionally involved. The fact that this man has already started playing you this early on in the A suggests that he's only in it for a bit of fun I'm afraid (as most are). Sorry if this sounds harsh but that's just the way I see it from what you have said. It may be that he has had what he wanted from you, whatever that may be, and feels it is time to move on. Maybe if he makes a habit of this sort of thing then he knows the exact point he should cut his losses (before getting found out). Please do yourself a favour and blocks his calls, etc. No good will ever come of this. You know you're strong enough to do it! Best of luck.
stillafool Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 This guy sounds like he got all he wanted and now wants to pull away. That is one of the problems with dating a MM they want you when they want you. I would go NC on this guy. If this is your first affair with a MM then it's a great lesson for you in what to expect. Find yourself a nice single guy who can give you the time and love you deserve.
ratingsguy Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 If this is your first affair with a MM then it's a great lesson for you in what to expect. Find yourself a nice single guy who can give you the time and love you deserve. Another well said post! Man, we have some smart people in here. I'm sure it's all based on experience...
Author Crash Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Thanks for all the replies. Everyone seems in agreement - for a change!! Ok, my posts are finally being posted. I don't know what happened to the others. I'm more involved than two months - there's been a lot of build up - months of it - and then something happened between us, he stopped it, I was miserable for a couple of months, and then it started up again. So my feelings are very strong and have been even before it started up again. As far as lying about having meetings instead of going home, he might have been trying to spare my feelings because we just had a conversation recently about how it does upset me that he goes home to his family every night and especially bothers me on Fridays and as it's hard enough to deal with it, I'd appreciate him not rubbing it in. I don't see him or hear from him on weekends. But what bothered me more was that he was trying to say how stressed out he was but when I saw him with other people he seemed fine - not especially stressed out. The previous day he was really stressed out and I know how he is when he's like that. Maybe he thought I was going to be confrontational or something - that's his imagination because I'm not that way and I wasn't upset - until he dissed me! I wasn't mad at him for cancelling or anything. What also bothered me was that he ignored my phone call. I don't know what changed between Tuesday and Thursday. I talked to him for less than 5 minutes on Wednesday and I didn't see him the rest of the day. When I did finally get him to talk to me yesterday he said everything was fine, he promised he wouldn't do that to me (meaning leave me hanging if something was wrong - like that his W found out or something) and that he was just really stressed. I can believe that but there was NO REASON for him to dis me! I'm pissed, upset, hurt, and bewildered.
Author Crash Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 I understand what everyone is saying and I am mostly in agreement. I just don't understand what is going on - he's not a player, doesn't have experience with this kind of thing. I don't think he knows how to handle it very well. I don't think he knows how to balance things. But I don't like being treated like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything to pressure him or anything, but he was running like I did. And I can't even talk to him about it. I just want to know what was going through his head. Of course, I know what he will say - that it was a bad week and he was just really stressed and had nothing to do with me.
stillafool Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 As far as lying about having meetings instead of going home, he might have been trying to spare my feelings because we just had a conversation recently about how it does upset me that he goes home to his family every night and especially bothers me on Fridays and as it's hard enough to deal with it, I'd appreciate him not rubbing it in. I don't see him or hear from him on weekends. Did he tell you he was going to leave his wife for you? If not, and I were him and you told me about how bothered you are about me going home to my family every night and weekends that would turn me off too. I think the reason these guys have affairs is to relieve stress and those type of comments create stress. I'm sure the last thing he wants is a "whiny" mistress. But what bothered me more was that he was trying to say how stressed out he was but when I saw him with other people he seemed fine - not especially stressed out. The previous day he was really stressed out and I know how he is when he's like that. Maybe he thought I was going to be confrontational or something - that's his imagination because I'm not that way and I wasn't upset - until he dissed me! I wasn't mad at him for cancelling or anything. What also bothered me was that he ignored my phone call. I don't know what changed between Tuesday and Thursday. I talked to him for less than 5 minutes on Wednesday and I didn't see him the rest of the day. I think what he is saying is talking to you is stressing him out. Especially if you are complaining. That's probably why he ignored your phone call. When I did finally get him to talk to me yesterday he said everything was fine, he promised he wouldn't do that to me (meaning leave me hanging if something was wrong - like that his W found out or something) and that he was just really stressed. I can believe that but there was NO REASON for him to dis me! I'm pissed, upset, hurt, and bewildered. Why be pissed, upset, hurt and bewildered? You knew you couldn't expect a normal relationship with someone else's husband.
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 But what bothered me more was that he was trying to say how stressed out he was but when I saw him with other people he seemed fine - not especially stressed out. Hate to say it, but he's probably stressing about you and what 'talks' you want to have with him. And, the fact you don't hear from him on weekends, only when HE wants to talk to you, just is showing you that in his mind he can close you off and focus on his wife and kids. I know that hurts hearing that, but in all reality, his actions (not calling you back, saying he's busy, etc...) are showing you that he is NOT really interested in a romantic filled relationship. The affair is just an affair, nothing more nothing less. I'm sure he cares about you, but his actions are showing you too, that he isn't inlove with you. You need to emotionally detach yourself from him NOW. You are much too serious and into him than he is into you, and because of this you can't think straight, or foresee what is around the corner...Interpretting his actions, or what he says to suit you best, when sadly, it's really saying that he isn't going to change his ways FOR you or leave his wife, ever.
Author Crash Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 stillafool, Thanks for the reply. I didn't voluntarily tell him it bothered me about his going home - he asked me "doesn't it bother you?" and I said "yes, of course but I try not to dwell on it." and he said HE wouldn't be able to handle it if it were the other way around. And our conversation was about work and less than 5 minutes. I actually went to his office to get something thinking he wasn't there but he was there and said he was having a terrible day and started going on about work. I wasn't complaining about anything! I hardly said a word. whichwayisup, Thanks - I'm not trying to have 'talks' with him. We have had a few talks, trying to work out how to deal with each other and stuff but it's not like I'm always bringing things up - he's said some cold things to me that upset me and I have a delayed reaction to them. Then he'll think I'm upset and tells me to tell him what it's about right then and there. That has happened at work because I hardly see him anywhere else. But even so, I have said those times that we don't have to talk about it there and he insists. But in his mind I guess he blames me anyway. You're right about his feelings. He started off pursuing me, all googly eyed, and I guess now he has shut his feelings down.
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 You're right about his feelings. He started off pursuing me, all googly eyed, and I guess now he has shut his feelings down. It seems it got TOO real for him, and he shut down. Which in all fairness, is understandable because he's married. It all comes down to that, k. If he were single or already divorced, things would be different. Sometimes it's easier to be an a-hole and shut the door on someone rather than being honest and just saying its' over...It's not right, but that is exactly what it seems he's doing. Take the control BACK and let him go. NC is the way and all you have to do is tell him you feel you're wasting YOUR precious time and energy on him, so you need to move on. Staying the OW is pointless longterm...It will only cause you MORE pain than you're already in.
Author Crash Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Thanks WWIU, I know your advice is good and everything you said makes sense. I'm thinking about it. He'd let me go with no problem, although the reason he started it up again, I think, was because he found out I was considering getting involved with someone else.
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