stay friends or not

[alasia]

Hi, I was just reading a post by CaliGuy...he said second chances with exes almost never occur when you stay friends - and it got me thinking about my situation.

 

I've posted about my story before so I won't go into that again; but I stayed over at my ex's place last night and tuesday night.

We did have sex, we were both using each other (kind of; I didn't go round there for sex and he was going to sleep on the sofa - and we both have some feelings for each other still. Well he says he does, anyway. And I do.) but we had a chat this morning about where we want 'us' to go.

 

I asked him what he wants and he said he does still have feelings for me, which he said will "never go" (I said they would eventually, but never mind).

He said he doesn't want to get back into a relationship yet and we have to just text each other once in a while, meet up sometimes as friends and see how we get on.

 

A little later on, he said he "can't" get back together yet because of the history and everything we've been through. He said he needs time so he knows that we're not going to go back to the way we were, but he's not 100% sure he'll ever want to get back together.

He is, however, sure that he wants to remain friends at the very least.

 

This all sounds ok to me and I'm going to stay with my sister for a couple of weeks from Sunday - so he won't see me for at least 2 weeks and I won't be contacting him (leaving my phone at home) - but CaliGuy's post got me wondering whether I should just cut all contact completely.

 

If my ex knows I'm 'waiting around' for him then he won't have any reason to get back with me. He got annoyed the other day when we were having a lighthearted conversation, he asked if I missed sleeping with him (which makes it seem like he IS only after me for sex) and I jokingly said that 'void' may have been filled by someone else. Sounds bad but the way I worded it sounded less slutty! I told him as we're both single we can both see who we like, but I don't get why he expects me to sit around waiting for him!

He says he does think about me and misses me, but now I wonder whether he'll ever miss me enough to want to give things another go if we stay in touch.

 

My ex also mentioned that it doesn't feel like we've had a break from each other, because we've been in touch pretty much every day in some form or another (text messaging, phonecalls, meet ups...) since we first went on our break a month ago.

That sounded to me like he was saying he doesn't want to see me anymore, but when I asked he said he still wants to keep in touch in the form of a text message once in a while checking up on each other, meeting up sometimes, things like that.

Until he either regains his feelings, or we stop arguing (not sure what it is that he's trying to figure out).

 

The thing is, I'm 9 weeks pregnant with his baby so eventually we'll have to be in some form of contact. I considered asking my ex not to contact me again, but then I worry he'll see us as 'definitely over' then (if he doesn't already) and never bother to get in touch; even if he does realise he wants me back.

 

Should I just go NC (apart from essential contact, like baby-stuff; scans etc) without telling him what I'm doing, then maybe in a month or so start limited contact and see how it goes, or should I just start limited contact now? - Or tell him I don't want him to contact me again?

[whichwayisup]

Because of this baby, maybe you two need to try couples therapy and see if it could work? And if not, then you two should not be having sex with eachother anymore. All that does is make the situation harder, and also harder for you both to get rid of the feelings, move on and find someone else.

 

Either way, he's gonna be a part of your life forever because of your child together. So, I suggest you guys talk and sort things out enough that you CAN be "just" friends...

[alasia]

I just phoned my ex to tell him I'm going away tomorrow morning instead of sunday, and to ask him to phone my dad when the stuff of mine that's being delivered to his house arrives so my dad can pick it up - as I won't be taking my phone with me.

 

He'd had 3-4 drinks at the pub so I thought it might be a good time to get some honest answers out of him. Told him I thought it best that he didn't contact me again and he agreed

 

I meant to leave it at that, but I couldn't help myself and asked if he'd been waiting for me to say that. He said no, and then I said something about him saying he had still a few feelings for me (he'd said it earlier when he was bringing me home in his car) and that when people say that, it's usually that they're trying to get the person out of their life and let them down gently. I asked if that was what he'd been doing and he said yes, but then a few minutes later said he still had feelings and always would.

 

I asked how he'd feel if we didn't speak for two weeks and he said he didn't know..then I asked him to tell me for sure that he doesn't love me and he said he doesn't (I knew he didn't but he's never actually said it).

Then I asked him if this was it for good, he said "looks like it..." and I asked if cutting all contact was really what he wanted. He said "yeah, I think it's what you want too". A few minutes later he was saying we need a break from each other, but I'm talking permanent no contact.

 

Before I hung up, I asked him to picture me having sex with someone else and if it bothered him, and he said no - to him it's like the idea of his mother having sex - not nice, but it doesn't bother him as such.

 

I took that as my cue to tell him I'd slept with another ex of mine recently.

He knew I'd been dating this ex casually for a couple of weeks and didn't seem to mind so I thought as he'd said that, he wouldn't mind that I'd slept with someone else. We're both single, after all.

He asked when and when I wouldn't tell him, he started getting angry and saying "at least I didn't go off s*****g someone else!". I kept saying it was after we'd split up but that didn't calm him down, and then he started saying he wanted a dna test once the baby's born and saying stuff about child maintenence again (sounding like he doesn't want anything to do with the baby).

 

The thing is, I went to meet him on Tuesday after I'd met with my other ex and the other ex tried it on with me rather forcefully. I took it badly, got upset and texted Phil asking to meet him.

That's how I ended up staying at Phil's place and we had sex on tuesday and wednesday. So he started bringing that up, saying I slept with my other ex then came "running" to him.

That's not how it was at all, but that's how he took it - understandably.

 

So, I think I've messed it up forever.

I think the only reason he got angry about me sleeping with someone else was because he felt like I'd slept with one ex then gone running to him for the night; either that or it's just a bit of a dent to his ego.

 

I'm half tempted to say I lied about sleeping with my other ex, maybe that will lessen his anger a bit? Or make it worse.

 

Any idea how to make this right again, or do I need to leave him alone completely now?

[CaliGuy]

Everything I needed to say was in the other post. If you want to remain friends with him that is up to you. I do think that in the long run the pain it's going to cause will far outweigh any benefit of being friends.

 

Like I said, there is nothing an ex-lover can give you as a friend that you can not find with another friend. They can, however, give you much more pain and heartache.

 

The choice is yours. Drag it out and hope/beg/plead for a chance or move on with your life. You'll only stay down in the dumps as long as you want to. Nobody else is going to pull you out of the hole.

 

You can only do it on your own.

[alasia]

So...he hates me now.

 

I phoned him last night to apologise for hurting him, and all he kept saying was that he'd apply for child support to be taken out of his wages when the baby's born, but he wants a dna test first. I said that was fine and I'd put half the money towards it, which he took as me admitting the baby might not be his - which it definitely is - but he didn't seem to understand that I'm not interested in getting money from him (he says "the father pays for the baby"), it was him seeing the baby and being involved as a loving father that I wanted.

Ideally with us being a couple, but that's not going to happen now.

 

I mentioned 'us' again, saying that I think he's known for a good while that he wasn't ever going to get back with me; partly because I'm pregnant and partly because everyone else 'hates me' (when I phoned him earlier he was in the pub, and I heard the girl behind the bar shouting abuse at me!

Apparently when I got off the phone my ex said "she's not that bad" but he didnt say anything to her while I was on the phone...).

First he said I cant get back with you because everyone hates you, then when I used that as his reason for not getting back together, he said "looking stupid to everyone else doesn't bother me. I don't care what other people think".

 

I tried to apologise for the arguing the other night (when I stayed at his; it was nothing major, just me saying I think he's just after sex and saying how bad I felt about that, then him getting angry with me) and he kept saying "it won't work. Even as friends we'd argue and I can't take it anymore".

I told him that I'd wanted to keep it light; if he'd had said that we were actually 'officially' back together but wanted to take it really slowly (occasional dates, getting to know each other again, just meeting up once a week and keeping it quiet from everyone else for a while), then I would have been fine. I'd have known where I stood and we wouldn't argue. Then he said I wouldn't really want that; I'd stay over one night and want more (which isn't true).

 

It feels like he's just saying all this to get out of actually saying he never wanted to get back with me in the first place. That's what I want/need him to say, but he won't.

 

I feel so stupid for believing that we might have still had a chance all this time and wish I'd gone NC when we started the break (there's a lesson for everyone else to learn!).

 

What's upsetting me now, is I'm going down to stay with my sister for at least 2 weeks and I'm leaving on terrible terms with my ex.

 

I wanted to go away, have him miss me and think about me, then maybe when I got back either he'd have stronger feelings and want to give things another go, or I'd have got over him. It sounds selfish, but I sort of want to get over him - but I want him to still have feelings.

Then again, if I am totally over him when I get back, maybe we can get in touch and become friends...possibly?

 

I just hate the thought of me being away and him not giving me a second thought; or if he does think about me, he'll be thinking he's definitely done the right thing. And when I get back, his feelings (the few he says he has left) will have totally disappeared