Author Baileykeg Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Thanks for the chuckle Norajane. If I could just get past my intense feelings right now I'd be in a much better place. I still think W needs to know everything but I've decided to wait a few days. It doesn't matter if I tell her tomorrow or next week.
puddleofmud Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 How do I call his bluff? I am saying this with a heavy heart: you already have, sweetheart, and the evidence is what it is. There is nothing else to bluff about. As for the W--let it go. She is not your enemy. Right now your own heart is either going to be your enemy or your best friend. That is all you have so embrace yourself and let your heart free.
herenow Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 How do I call his bluff? What do you mean call his bluff? He has already told you that he has no intention of giving you any kind of commitment. He will continue the affair as long as you don't expect him to change his life for you. It seems very clear to me that he is leaving it up to you to call him if you want to take him up on his offer. If you don't like the terms that he has given, then move on. Why do OW feel that the time to bring the wife in on the secret is when the MM has pissed you off? Why don't you give the wife a chance to get out when the affair begins so that you can have the MM all to yourself at the get go? I think you are just wanting to cause the wife misery because you are hurt by the actions that you choose. Go for it, I guarantee the MM will drag you lower than you can ever imagine.
herenow Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Is it completely wrong for me to want to talk to the W at this point? She allegedly knows all about me and our relationship. I just feel like I need to have all three of us on the same page and make sure that what she and I are both hearing is the same thing. On behalf of the wife, the best thing you can do for her and to assure that the MM will never speak to you again is tell her. Please, it's the only way she will know that you exist and she needs to make sure that you can no longer harm her and her family. Don't you think you owe her that courtesy?
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Telling his wife isn't going to solve your problem. She isn't doing anything from preventing him to get a divorce. It's HIS choice, and he's made his decision not change his life for you. Im sorry and I know you're in pain, but telling her isn't going to help you. In all honesty, I think it will piss him off, so if you have ANY hopes that he will divorce, talking to her isn't the answer. NC is the only way to go so he can miss you, and see what life is like without you in it. Maybe that would change his mind.
frannie Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I received an email from him today in response to the letter I sent saying I was finished with our relationship until he filed for divorce. This is his response: "I received your letter today. I fully understand what you are saying and why you are saying it. Things have been so good with us when we have not been focused on this one issue and I wish there was a way we could just let it go and keep going ourselves. But I understand that you need more. I'm not ready to move on right now. That is where I am. I don't want to be without you but I know you have a life to live and want more than I am giving. If you change your mind, I'll be here. I love you." What kind of crap is this? Is he just trying to push my buttons? Why did he even feel the need to respond to me? Well he couldn't be clearer, could he? He really has been stringing you along with his visions of the future. And now he tells you he'll be there if you ever want things on his terms again. Nice. I fully expect he's been saying similar things to his W. I can't see what you'll get out of telling the W what's been going on other than a lot more pain and embarrassment. And as others have said, it wouldn't change what happens anyway... as RMD and others who have taken back WS express... the OW is an inconvenience and you'll look like the one who was desperate and trying to win their husbands. Dumping sex toys on her doorstep will just make you look cheap. Who cares if he goes back to her... he's scum, as evidenced by his actions. I know you love him, but that love is based on a lie: he's been stringing you along and painting pictures he had NO intention of living up to, and that's just lies by any other name.
MoonGirl Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 herenow, BK's MM has been separated from his W the whole time they have been dating. Even though it's an affair of sorts, it's not the usual affair that involves MM sneeking away from home to see OW. BK's MM told her that she wasn't a secret to his W (who knows if that's true though). BK, I hope you're holding up. Keep posting. We're here for you.
herenow Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 herenow, BK's MM has been separated from his W the whole time they have been dating. Even though it's an affair of sorts, it's not the usual affair that involves MM sneeking away from home to see OW. BK's MM told her that she wasn't a secret to his W (who knows if that's true though). Sorry, I didn't know that. Then I think this guy is just being honest with her. He isn't ready to commit to her and has told her that. What's the problem? Also, if the wife knows and they are separated, what is it that she needs to tell his wife? It seems to me that he has laid out what he wants and because she doesn't like the terms, she wants to make trouble. Like I said before, if you are not interested in what he is willing to give you, then it's your choice to walk away. If he is separated from his wife and he is so in love with you, why doesn't he want to give you more? Could it be that he wants to play the field a bit before he settles down again? I actually think that's a smart thing for people to do.
torranceshipman Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Why is it generally always consensus that telling the W about the A is a bad idea? Doesn't it make you complicit in a lie to keep the MM's secrets for him even if you have NC going on? If you tell the W (or make the A known), the guy is much less likely to be able to find new OW's to lie to, can't lie to his W anymore, and generally it will help the lying to stop. That's a good thing isn't it?? I do appreciate though, that if you want to keep the A going its a bad idea to say anything as they guy will probably hate you for it! - and sure, the MM might turn it round and make you look like the evil one - so I appreciate those reasons for not saying anything - and I'm not saying anyone should do it to be vindictive to the wife - just to be honest and put an end to the lies, to help you move on - and to inform the wife who is then in a position to make an informed choice. Deoending on how you choose to do it, I also don't think it is necessarily an undignified move, and might even help some OW's to get some closure. What do you all think?
herenow Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Why is it generally always consensus that telling the W about the A is a bad idea? Doesn't it make you complicit in a lie to keep the MM's secrets for him even if you have NC going on? If you tell the W (or make the A known), the guy is much less likely to be able to find new OW's to lie to, can't lie to his W anymore, and generally it will help the lying to stop. That's a good thing isn't it?? I do appreciate though, that if you want to keep the A going its a bad idea to say anything as they guy will probably hate you for it! - and sure, the MM might turn it round and make you look like the evil one - so I appreciate those reasons for not saying anything - and I'm not saying anyone should do it to be vindictive to the wife - just to be honest and put an end to the lies, to help you move on - and to inform the wife who is then in a position to make an informed choice. Deoending on how you choose to do it, I also don't think it is necessarily an undignified move, and might even help some OW's to get some closure. What do you all think? According to BK, the wife already knows, so I don't get why she is even asking about it.
PoshPrincess Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Bailey, PLEASE don't tell his W. You are better than that, I know it. You would only be doing it in anger, to make yourself feel better and to get some kind of revenge on him and it just wouldn't be worth it! As someone else said, his W is not your enemy, so what would be the point in hurting her? I can understand where you are coming from, I sometimes joked with a friend of mine that I was going to send the 'rabbit' (the only gift he ever bought me) back to him (at his home address) saying, 'this is broken, please could you change it or get a refund!' but I would never have done it. I was just venting to make myself feel better! At the end of the day, it will be you who comes off worse and you don't deserve that! The best thing you can do in response to his letter is DO NOTHING! HE is probably trying to call YOUR bluff. He hasn't got the guts to file for D and bascially wants to have his cake and eat it. Don't be his cake! I know this is gonna hurt like hell but be strong. Don't give him the satisfaction. x
norajane Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 What do you all think? In this case, they've been separated for two years, and MM has introduced Bailey to his family. He says that his W knows he's been seeing her, and that she, too, has been dating. I can't imagine how his W wouldn't know that he was seeing someone if his family knows, though maybe she doesn't know all the details. So, I really don't even know what Bailey would reveal that would make a difference to his W. My view is if they have been separated for two years but neither of them has filed for divorce, they aren't ready to end their marriage and are still holding out hope for a reconciliation. There's no other reason for one of them not to have filed for divorce by now.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 I have absolutely no idea what is going on with him anymore. I've racked my brain for months trying to understand why it is that he won't file for divorce. He spends ALL of his free time with me. We've spent more and more time with his family the last few months. (His father is a minister for whatever that says about his family spending time with me and my son given his situation). He says that the W has asked in the past to do something with him and he has always told her no that he was going to be seeing me. He's talked about (and has always been the one to bring up) him relocating to my city, us getting married and how many kids we will have. I've asked him if he wants to go back and work on his marriage and he says no. So, why in the world won't he get divorced??? I have no idea. I know it's a hard final step to take. I know that I have made it very easy for him the last year for us to have our relationship and him not to have to make that final step. I've made it too easy. I know. Now though, I've walked away. His response letter to me yesterday said that he just wasn't ready to file for divorce. So he's got what he wants now. No more pressure from me and no reason to have to do anything with the divorce. Why won't he just walk away from me then? Why bother to continue trying to contact me? Does he just hope that I will cave like I have always done in the past and go back to him allowing him to do nothing? I don't understand the game. He sent me a text message last night that said "I miss you". I didn't respond. I don't know what (if any) his next step will be. I'm heading out of town until Monday so I won't be around this weekend in case he were to try to stop by. As far as telling the W. Yes, right now my reasons are selfish because I am hurt. I don't think though that she needs to continue to be in the dark about what he has been telling and planning with me. I haven't decided what to do about that so right now I'm just going to do nothing.
norajane Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 So he's got what he wants now. No more pressure from me and no reason to have to do anything with the divorce. Why won't he just walk away from me then? Why bother to continue trying to contact me? Does he just hope that I will cave like I have always done in the past and go back to him allowing him to do nothing? I don't understand the game. No, he doesn't have what he wants - he wants things the way they have been for the past year. He wants you, but without the pressure to get a divorce. Yes, he's hoping you cave like you always have in the past. That's the game he's playing - he's hoping to win you over again. He's hoping you'll miss him enough to cave in and continue as you were.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Well then hopefully he'll be very surprised this time. I plan to stick to NC. It's day two for me and I'm doing just fine. I miss him but I have no desire to contact him. Looking forward to getting away this weekend to have some much needed time alone. Perhaps next week I will feel different but right now I'm staying strong.
BurriedAlive Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 By calling his bluff, I meant cut him off, NC, don't answer his messages, don't call him. Maybe that's what will change his mind about his divorce. Be stronger than him.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 Well so far I've maintained NC. It's been 4 days. He's sent me text messages saying he loves me, misses me and that I drive him crazy. I have not responded. Several of our mutual friends have called this weekend to ask where I was or what I was doing. I don't know whether he put them up to it or not so I just didn't take their calls either. I will call them next week. As for him, my plan is to continue NC. It's a little harder today than it has been but I'm still doing ok. He didn't send me a text message yesterday at all so perhaps he has given up.
norajane Posted February 4, 2007 Posted February 4, 2007 You're doing great - stay strong!!! That he is texting and all shows that he doesn't believe you will be able to stay away from him...he's still thinking you'll cave in and get back with him under his terms. And that bit about you driving him crazy - ha! That's what he's been doing to you for the last year with his inability to file for divorce. You reap what you sow.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 I just don't understand why he would invest all the time, money and effort it took to make our relationship work if he never intended to file for divorce. Why go through that? Why make all the "future" plans that he did with me? Why involve our families in our "future" plans? It doesn't make sense to me. If the W is so f*** wonderful then why not go back to her now? Why keep contacting me telling me how much he misses me and loves me? I gave him an out by walking away from our relationship. Why not run as fast as he can back to her?
norajane Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 I just don't understand why he would invest all the time, money and effort it took to make our relationship work if he never intended to file for divorce. Why go through that? Why make all the "future" plans that he did with me? Why involve our families in our "future" plans? It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe he thought he might actually be able to file if he had you in his life. He might have believed he could go through with the divorce, but when it came down to it, it turned out he couldn't. Do you know what their reasons are for being separated in the first place, or for being separated for 2 years without either of them filing? If the W is so f*** wonderful then why not go back to her now? Why keep contacting me telling me how much he misses me and loves me? I gave him an out by walking away from our relationship. Why not run as fast as he can back to her? He never needed you to give him an out, sweets - he could have gone back to his wife at any point, without or without your knowledge, with or without your NC. Maybe he's tried; maybe SHE won't just take him back. I'm sure he does miss you, and he probably loves you in his own way. It's just not enough to make him change anything about his life. I don't know what he's getting out of staying married, but there must be some compelling reason he just can't file even though they haven't been together for so long.
bellababygirl Posted February 5, 2007 Posted February 5, 2007 Its all good kiddo. At least it will be, I promise. I'm glad I could make you smile thru your tears. But for now, dont do anything rash or impulsive. If you wrote the BW, you would be made out to be vindictive, you would be the one to blame and he wouldnt have learned any lessons. I understand revenge very well. So if you must get him, do it personally, hit him where he lives but do not hurt anyone else to get back at him. Thats bad karma. Peace Is there really any time that the OW contacting the BW is a good idea? Also, the way you interpreted the email...does it sound like if she is drawing the line (divorce or NC) he will be just replacing her with another OW? I agree, making decisions while furious only lead to regret. But, I havent gone there with my MM, so I dont know what to think. If he asked her to marry him then why is it a big surprise to him she wants him to finally divorce?
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