Baileykeg Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I received an email from him today in response to the letter I sent saying I was finished with our relationship until he filed for divorce. This is his response: "I received your letter today. I fully understand what you are saying and why you are saying it. Things have been so good with us when we have not been focused on this one issue and I wish there was a way we could just let it go and keep going ourselves. But I understand that you need more. I'm not ready to move on right now. That is where I am. I don't want to be without you but I know you have a life to live and want more than I am giving. If you change your mind, I'll be here. I love you." What kind of crap is this? Is he just trying to push my buttons? Why did he even feel the need to respond to me?
MoonGirl Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 BK, Stay strong! He is trying to win this one. If you cave, he'll be getting exactly what he wants, which is to not file for divorce and have you at the same time. Geez...it's not like you're asking him to marry you! Give him some time. Reality probably hasn't sunk in for him yet. If he really loves you like he says he does and wants to be with you, he will file for divorce.
Kathleen Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I think you gave him the easy way out of it. He is a wuss. Then he says "If you change your mind....." Please!!! Don't change your mind. You are how many days into NC now?? Don't go backwards ok. (((Baileykeg))) He's not worthy of You.
Kamille Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Walk away! It is crap and what crap! Basically, you have your answer. He will not file for divorce. And he's trying to make it seem like you are putting a fuss about a very minor issue. The guts this guy has! Stay strong. NC is for you! And hey, I started NC with my ex too! Finally did the move but I did not tell him about it. Good luck! K
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 He isn't going to change his life. Read between the lines, that is the jist of what he's saying. If you want him, it will be on his terms. I say, don't contact him ever again, and definately NEVER settle for what he's offering you...Which really is, nothing.
Romeo Must Die Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Let me help you translate... I fully understand what you are saying and why you are saying it. I knew this was coming and I have been one lucky bastard you didnt call me on this sooner! Sex have been so good for me, I get limp when you're bitching about making a full time commitment and I wish there was a way we could just let it go and keep going ourselves so I can keep getting some tail on the side. But I understand that you are a wonderful person who need more than that, as I have known all along. I'm not ready to be honest with myself, or you, within an open relationship right now. I fear responsibility. That is where I am. Going Nowhere fast and I will only bring you down with me! I don't want to be without sex whenever I snap my fingers, but I know you deserve a real man and I'm keeping you from finding him. If you change your mind, I'll be here because I wont ever leave my wife. I love you, but I'm more concerned with myself and my selfish self need for attention. So Call me if you want to resume the affair without commitments! What kind of crap is this? Is he just trying to push my buttons? Yes Why did he even feel the need to respond to me? Because he needs to keep you hooked on him to feel better about himself.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 I am so hurt and angry with him. I want to forward his email to the W with the response to him that I think he's a jerk for telling me he wanted to get married, have a baby next year, all of it. She needs to know fully what has been going on with us. Is he just playing a game and trying to see if I will cave and go back like I have all the other times or is it really over for us?
stillhere Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I really don't see what his problem is. He is separated from his W and has been for some time if i remember. Why is he hanging on like this, just D already. BK, this guy has some nerve. Apparently you aren't as important to him as you thought you were. If that ain't a kick in the face. Just proves that you did the right thing. I'm sorry that it had to turn out this way, but now you know where he stands. What a bunch of bull.
Kamille Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 arrggg. Having a day where I am very sensitive to any display of the lenghts some men will go to to get an ego stroke! grrrrrrr! Sorry this is coming out on your thread BaileyKeg. But his letter tops the cake!
Author Baileykeg Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Romeo - your response made me laugh. I know your version is probably true but for some reason it made me laugh. Thanks for bringing a bit of humor to a really bad situation.
Romeo Must Die Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Its all good kiddo. At least it will be, I promise. I'm glad I could make you smile thru your tears. But for now, dont do anything rash or impulsive. If you wrote the BW, you would be made out to be vindictive, you would be the one to blame and he wouldnt have learned any lessons. I understand revenge very well. So if you must get him, do it personally, hit him where he lives but do not hurt anyone else to get back at him. Thats bad karma. Peace
MoonGirl Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 BK, Hold back on doing anything drastic just yet! I agree with others that his letter was less than sensitive (to say the least!), but maybe it hasn't really sunk in yet. Keep NC, don't send anything to his wife just yet (like RMD said). Keep posting. We're here for ya!
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 1. Is he just playing a game and trying to see if I will cave and go back like I have all the other times or 2. is it really over for us? 1. He doesn't need to play games. He has it in his mind that you will be back, just like usual. All he has to do is throw in that "L" word, and he knows he has you right where he wants you. 2. Only you can determine that. It won't be over until you say its over, and then move on with your life.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 I know he is expecting me to just cave like always, go back to him and allow him to continue to do nothing. What I don't understand is this...if he's so "unsure" about filing for divorce or not then why spend all the time he has with me? Why talk about planning our future, having kids next year? Why tell his family that he loves me and wants to give our relationship a chance? Why involve his family in our relationship by spending more and more time together with them? He didn't have to say or do any of those things to get anything more from me that he didn't already have. Our relationship has never been one where he had to say what he thought I wanted to hear for him to get something more from me. I just don't get it. What will he do now if I don't respond to him? Is he just going to walk away now and go back to her? Will I hear from him again?
Romeo Must Die Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 The point of NC is to go dark until he is willing to give you what you want. He has stated very coldly, but as honestly as a cheating MM can possibly be with you that he cannot be that person. What you will get for trying is a big headache from banging your head against a closed door. Yes dolly, he may just give in and go back to his wife and that is probably what he was meant to do all along. Its not fair to you, but life is not a fair place. You were just an escape from focusing on the big picture and a soft cushy pillow for him to land on. He may even crash without you and beg for more time, but the impression I get is that he will return to his home. MM are not cut out for the single life after so many years of domestic comfort. It's not your job to save him, you only need to save yourself right now. To open your heart and your mind to somebody new and dont waste your time on someone who cannot be that person for you.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Is it completely wrong for me to want to talk to the W at this point? She allegedly knows all about me and our relationship. I just feel like I need to have all three of us on the same page and make sure that what she and I are both hearing is the same thing.
Ripples Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Bailey, just to say, yes, it's not a good idea to talk to the W. As others have said, it'll get turned around so you're the one to blame. Besides, if you start pulling stuff like that, it not only ensures that the MM will find it even harder to come to you if and when he leaves, it demeans you. You're worth more, you have more dignity than to get involved in some sort of "he said" "she said" debate. Sometimes there is no absolute truth. Whatever is true for him may not be true for you, or his wife. And vice versa. As RMD says, time to open your heart (and mind) to someone who can and will give you what you want and need.
Romeo Must Die Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Honey, she isnt going to be on the same page with you, not in a million years. She is going to see you as the source of her pain if and when she reconcilles with her WH. Stay out of the line of fire. They will both gang up on you and torment you to no end and you dont need that right now. You are too heartbroken right now. If she comes to you to ask about the affair, be ready. Be honest. You dont have to highlight it, just tell her that he said he loved you and that will break her heart right there. She will bust his balls enough, not to worry about that. Journal your thoughts, pour your little heart out here, but do not send them out to her right now. She is not going to buddy up with you. Not in this way. Let her come to you first.
hardknocks Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 This is very sad. I'm sure you are in shock,heart broken and dissapointed (to say the least). From the outside - everything he said though sounds very truthful. I think he honestly states there what he wants.. he doesn't want to leave his wife. And you do want more.. don't you? And he may love you.. just not enough. As hard as it is - as shocking as this can be. Even though you were emmotionally and psychologically ready for a relationship (did he say he would marry you?) - you are going to have to let this relationship go. Sometimes relationships don't end well. Sometimes you never get the explanation or the perfect closure that you need. But if you go NC - over time the door will chapter will close and you will move on. You want more don't you!? You deserve more, I'm sure of that. This one, I don't think you are going to win .. Take today as an opporunity to restart your life - we all have such limitted time -- we have to make the most of it. And if somebody doesn't want to be with you - totally with you -- then you have to.. you MUST -- let them go. I hope you walk away from this man.
puddleofmud Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Darn! So sorry you got that wishy-washy non-commital response. You are offering him, on a very lovely silver platter, the most precious thing a woman can offer a man: committment, loyalty, family, children. I don't know where he learned his social skills, but I am thinking this guy is not that great of a "catch"--seemingly this would be what you would be putting up with for the rest of your life...passive/ agressiveness, avoidance, control by making his partner do all the emotional work in a relationship etc. which may not be the Father you would wish for your children much less the relationship you have dreamed of all your life. I know that sounds harsh, but it is something to consider. It is my opinion that whether he goes back to his W or not and beside the fact that he may or not be "ready" to commit; he isn't willing to change his emotional behavior/patterns nor are your values shared. It is up to you if you find this acceptable in a life-long partner and a good example for your future children. As far as I am concerned if I were in your situation my mantra would be "sorry, what-ever-his-name, LOVE (and especially YOUR kind of love) is not enough". I had hoped better for you and think that you can still find better since you are the one who is confident about what it is YOU want. This may be a gift since you now really know what is valuable and important to you and are willing to stand up for yourself to get it! Make what you want for yourself more important than HIM. Hang in there, darlin'
Author Baileykeg Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 I am so bitter and angry right now. If our relationship really is over then I want to pack up all of his things, the love letters, the sex toys, all of it and put it in a big box addressed to the W. She needs to know what he's been doing for the last year. He doesn't get to break my heart with a year's worth of empty promises and sashay back into his disfunctional marriage. If he's not coming back to me then who cares if I piss him off by letting her in on everything. If he's just playing a game with me and expects me to come back then I wish I could know now. I know I've made multiple mistakes here by trying to put my foot down so many times in the past and then giving in and letting him have his way. I regret that. I want to believe that everything we shared for the past year has been real. I have known him for so long and I never doubted the person he was and whether the things he was saying were genuine. Is his reaction to my letter just a defense to try to get a reaction from me?
BurriedAlive Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Call his bluff. It's amazing how he kept saying one thing all along only to finally change his mind (or start telling the truth) when you threaten to end it. Why would he bother to change his story now? My other question is why doesn't he want to get divorced? If he is separated the next logical step is D. There is no point in staying married unless..... he still loves his wife and is holding on to hope they will reconcile? By keep you on a string with empty promises he gets to have his cake and eat it too. I struggle with wanting to tell my MM's W about us EVERY day. Unfortunately I think the only reason why I would do that would be hurt MM so he can feel like I do. Misery loves company. Why do MMs have to be such A-holes????? And why do we have to love the A-hole???
Romeo Must Die Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 How would you feel if someone did that to you? Why hurt her to feel better about yourself? Then you'll both just be hurt and for what good reason? Without passing judgement, she has been hurt by you enough, and to do that would make her your enemy for life. Thats just not a classy move, bailey. Even if you forced him into divorce it doesnt mean he would come back if you burned him. Go throw all that stuff in the dumpster, set it on fire if you must. Hit the pillows, take a bath and sleep on it before you do anything out of character. Go mess up his job or his car or his favorite suit, but please, for her sake (not his) dont attack her with this information. Its not her fault. She didnt burn you, and she's just as much a victim as you are, if not more so. She had more to lose. Why attack her? Because shes the one he loves or hangs onto? He is supposed to because he is married to her. Seperated or not she is still his wife and you knew that. If you hit on her then you'd have to hit yourself too for being so dumb in love to see that. Just remember MM is the target, not the BW. Being a BW is bad enough without the OW rubbung our faces in our husbands foolishness. I knew beter than to have an affair and I got punished the worst from it. I know this firsthand from my own experience. Dont do it Bailey, please.
norajane Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 "I received your letter today. I fully understand what you are saying and why you are saying it. How gracious of him to acknowledge he's been stringing you along all this time! Things have been so good with us when we have not been focused on this one issue and I wish there was a way we could just let it go and keep going ourselves. But I understand that you need more. Aww, Bailey, you're such a meanie! And you have such a one-track mind - can't you just forget all about your dreams for the future and keep f*cking him? Hmm, can't you? You're so selfish, only thinking of yourself and what you want!!! I'm not ready to move on right now. That is where I am. I don't want to be without you but I know you have a life to live and want more than I am giving. Poor, tormented man! Why are you forcing him to think about you, Bailey? Can't you be satisfied with a part-time relationship? If you change your mind, I'll be here. I love you." Aww, he loves you - doesn't that make it all better?? Can't you find it in your heart to embrace him and his wife and settle for less than what you deserve? I'm sorry, Bailey, but you are a cold, heartless woman. Look at how he just poured his heart out to you, and you think he's playing games! :rolleyes: If my sarcasm hasn't made it clear, I think you are a million times better off without this MM, Bailey. I know it will be rough for you for a while, but find your anger and hold on to it through the worst parts. Remind yourself that HE did this, that HE created your pain, and that HE is going to get exactly what he deserves: he's lost a you, a wonderful woman who had so much to give him. And you will finally have what you deserve - an opportunity to meet a man who can return your love freely and with joy. Good luck to you.
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