JamesM Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 This question came to me as I was reading a thread regarding who knows of your affair. This is for anyone who is in an affair or was in an affair. What effect does the secrecy of your affair have upon your life? How do you modify your daily schedule to keep your secret? How do you change your schedule to protect you "lover's" secrecy? What places do you avoid? Who do you need to watch your step around? What do you do to keep your secret from your spouse? And where do you see this affair...realistically...going? Again, just some thoughts to understand the dynamics of an affair. And if anyone is offended, feel free to tell me.
Meredith63 Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 for me, when I was in my A, I refused to make any concessions regarding the way our R would be conducted. He either treated me like any single man would, or he could go and find someone else who would be willing to play hide and seek games, I was far too old for that kind of nonsense, lol. His marriage ... his problem.
Jinxx Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 This question came to me as I was reading a thread regarding who knows of your affair. This is for anyone who is in an affair or was in an affair. What effect does the secrecy of your affair have upon your life? How do you modify your daily schedule to keep your secret? How do you change your schedule to protect you "lover's" secrecy? What places do you avoid? Who do you need to watch your step around? What do you do to keep your secret from your spouse? And where do you see this affair...realistically...going? Again, just some thoughts to understand the dynamics of an affair. And if anyone is offended, feel free to tell me. For me the effect of the secrecy was one of huge amounts of stress. Not fun at all. Trying to remember not to leave my phone laying around, that type of thing. Or having MM man call while my husband was in the same room -- very awkward at times. The places we avoided were restaurants in our immediate neighborhood where we could be seen. There were a few places we went that were risk factors but to my knowledge, we were never spotted. My husband and I led pretty separate lives before we were separated so it very easy to say I was out with friends. I was always home at a reasonable hour plus my daytime job allows me lots of flexiblity so MM and I could easily enjoy an afternoon together and be home at the same time as if I was just coming home from a normal work day. MM is self employed so that made it even easier for us to connect during the day while both spouses thought we were working. I never saw my affair going anywhere with MM. That was talked out in the very beginning. He never made me promises he couldn't keep. We both were lacking physical needs in our relationships with our spouses and it was a mutual agreement between both of us that we would enjoy each others affections when we both had time to spare. Now after a year and separated from my husband since September, I'm ready to meet someone else who will be available to me and only me.
MoonGirl Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 JM, People I have known who are in affairs go to great lengths to avoid being discovered (as you already know). My H only had/has intimate partners who are from out of town and have never met me or anyone else he knows. He has never had to modify his schedule since I have never asked questions about where he is or what he's doing, but he stopped being intimate with me a long time ago when I was pregnant with our 2nd child (I assume that's when he started meeting other women for pleasure). As far as I know, his affairs had/have nothing to do with emotional fulfillment. He is all about the chase, the unknown, and the deception. He finds it thrilling. He has hidden everything from me, but since I know his track record (serial cheater with past girlfriends) and his patterns (coming home at 4 and 5 am often) I know what he's doing. Lately, because of my affair, he likes to talk about his lady friends in an attempt to make me feel bad. I am the exact opposite of H. My affair is emotional only. For me it is about feeling cherished and loved, something I certainly don't feel at home. At first, I would only meet OM once a week alone and we went to places that none of our friends frequented. I was nervous that one of H's friends would spot us, but over time I didn't care anymore. Where do I see my affair going? I am FINALLY leaving H (should have done that a long time ago), OM and I have known each other for 10+ years, dated before my marriage (separated by circumstances), and have a deep connection with each other. I hope that we can build on what we already have to develop a normal healthy relationship with each other. Yet I am realistic that it may not happen. Either way, I enjoy spending time with OM.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Well, ours was never a secret to my friends, coworkers and family because we all thought he was single, we thought it was just a R... We never hide or anything and go wherever we wish...although to be fair, it's probably because he doesn't live in my city... How do I see the A realistically going: someone leaves someone...
frannie Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 What effect does the secrecy of your affair have upon your life? How do you modify your daily schedule to keep your secret? How do you change your schedule to protect you "lover's" secrecy? What places do you avoid? Who do you need to watch your step around? What do you do to keep your secret from your spouse? And where do you see this affair...realistically...going? He and I live in different places, and no one from his life knows me. So I suppose we don't have the same issues as others might. I haven't mentioned to some people in my life about the affair, for one main reason. And that's because IF he leaves he doesn't intend to tell his W and children that we've been involved (sorry if that annoys some people, but that's the way it is). So down the line somewhere, people from his life and my life may meet and the stories won't match up. So, for that reason, I haven't told some significant people in my life about what's going on. And that is a huge strain, because I hate lying and I would like to share my happiness that I have met him! Also, it means that I can't introduce him to people I care about, and we can't have as full a relationship as we both like: more often than not it's just the two of us, and not a great deal of socialising with others. However, we don't put any restrictions on going out together as a couple to restaurants etc. In that respect we just do things that anyone else would do in any other kind of relationship. As far as communications when we're apart are concerned: I never phone him, and only text him when I know he's not at home. No point in tempting fate. I hate not being able to call him whenever and wherever. Probably the biggest pain in my life, actually. Where do I realistically expect this to go? I don't know. At the moment it still seems possible that he'll leave them at some point in the not-too-far future. But in reality we will probably limp along with both of us dissatisfied with what we have until either his W finds out or I get tired of the whole thing. I can't really envisage that we WILL stay in the affair until his children are grown up... but perhaps that is what will happen.
ratingsguy Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 How do you modify your daily schedule to keep your secret? How do you change your schedule to protect you "lover's" secrecy? What places do you avoid? Who do you need to watch your step around? It does suck to have to cater to the MW/MM schedule, but really there's no other way to do it. We basically avoided anything near her home... although in retrospect, she was fairly brazen allowing herself to be seen being affectionate with me in public. I think the closest place we went to was only 7 or 8 miles from her home... which in my opinion is still very close. Maybe she wanted to be caught... who knows. I've told most of my close friends about the A... mainly because I need a sympathetic ear and some good advice every once in a while. They know me well enough that I just got caught up in a bad situation... and have certainly learned from it. Just like a lot of things in life, you have to learn the hard way sometimes. And where do you see this affair...realistically...going? NC after tomorrow. If it's meant to be, she'll come back. If not, I will have moved on.
PoshPrincess Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 What effect does the secrecy of your affair have upon your life? Once I fell in love with him and wanted his time I found being secret about everything extremely stressful? I wanted to be able to take him out with my friends, to meet his family, for him to meet mine, etc but it could never happen. How do you modify your daily schedule to keep your secret? How do you change your schedule to protect you "lover's" secrecy? What places do you avoid? Who do you need to watch your step around? It wasn't so bad for me being the single one but I still had to be fairly careful as I had recently come out of a LTR with the father of my son and didn't want it to look like it had been going on before we split. We had to avoid anywhere local to where we lived because of the high chances of bumping into someone he knew so we used to go out into the country and we met in town once or twice, although mainly he came over to my place. We really had to watch our step in my place of work for reasons that I can't go into just in case anyone I know is logged on here! Let's just say that apart from mutual friends who were there, I worked for someone v close to me and if they had found out all hell would have broken loose! What do you do to keep your secret from your spouse? And where do you see this affair...realistically...going? I didn't have a spouse to keep anything secret from (see comment regarding LTR above). To begin with, MM and I were friends and it was always more of a EA. We eventually fell in love and it was only once he'd told me he loved me that I thought we might end up together. I never really expected it to happen until he told me he was going to leave W (I never ever asked him to!) but needless to say he never did.
sadbuttrue Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 i definitely hate the secrecy of my A. i would love for people to know that MM and i are together, but i dont see that happening because he has told me from the beginning that he is not leaving his family. we go out and eat together a lot and are often spotted by someone who knows one of us, but we are friends and taking classes together, and that could explain some of our meetings. i have recently went out with a new man, a single man i have not told MM about this yet, and i am more concerned now that MM will find out about SG, i know that sounds crazy
kymberann Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I hated the secrecy of the A. It wasn't my secret, I wasn't the married one! But i felt like I had to keep the secret or else all contact with MM would be over. MM and I were out in public a lot, we did a lot of things. I was hoping someone would put the two and two together. No one ever did, probably because everyone knew we were friends to begin with. Only a few of my friends knew after it developed into an A and after it ended I didn't keep it from anyone. Since it ended I have asked several people ask me where MM is. So I tell them we broke up. A lot of the people in our circle thought we were already married. And MMs W never went anywhere with him anyway. She did her own thing with her own set of friends. Which is why it was that easy to do and be with MM a lot. As for modifying my daily schedule, I had to do that A LOT! And had to wait a lot. I regret doing that just to meet his schedule, but that's how it goes when you are willing to participate. Again, I couldn't see then that me having to change for him was unhealthy and only lowered my self esteem! Ahhh if I knew then what I know now!! I am so glad I am out if it, it is not my secret anymore! I know xMM has to contend with keeping the A a life long secret, that's plenty enough! Best!
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