Guest Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 And he hasnt left! She found a text which just could not be explained away, and gave me hell on the phone. I didnt hear from him for 3 days! I was going mad, not knowing what was happening. This is what he told me... He loves me. He isnt sure if he loves her, his feelings are "complicated" but he doesnt want to hurt her or the children. He isnt leaving - yet. But he wants us to stay in touch, if only as friends. What the hell do I do? I thought if she ever found out it would be over (he always said she would never forgive him). He is staying with her but he loves me? How long do I stay the OW?? I cant let him go! I love him so much. Why hasnt she kicked him out? He admits he has promised never to contact me, she will be watching him like a hawk now, so what chance do we have? I am all over the place, I dont know what to do. Help!
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 And he hasnt left! She found a text which just could not be explained away, and gave me hell on the phone. I didnt hear from him for 3 days! I was going mad, not knowing what was happening. This is what he told me... This happened to me after my MM's W found a text on his phone, he was NC for a day and a night, what felt like the longest day and night I'd ever ever had He loves me. He told me this too... He isnt sure if he loves her, his feelings are "complicated" but he doesnt want to hurt her or the children. ...and this... He isnt leaving - yet. But he wants us to stay in touch, if only as friends. ...and this... What the hell do I do? I thought if she ever found out it would be over (he always said she would never forgive him). He is staying with her but he loves me? How long do I stay the OW?? He has a LOT of sorting out to do right now. This is his M. His life. His children. Everything. This is D day for you too...discovery of whether his feelings for you are real enough for him or whether you were the OW all along. It's a horrible time, it really is. I feel for you. Not knowing whether the love you've found is truthful or whether it has been a fantasy that has been fed to you that you have been willing to accept. You stay the OW however long you want to stay the OW or how ever long he wants you in his life. It's your choice. I chose to stay the OW and ride through the D-day (which was more like a D-month). The reason for this? I was too weak to leave because I loved him so much. Eventually he has separated, but even then, I still sometimes feel in limbo. It comes down to a choice - his M or you and often the MM will choose their M. It's really tough but I really believed in him and in our love and it's starting to get easier. I cant let him go! I love him so much. Why hasnt she kicked him out? He admits he has promised never to contact me, she will be watching him like a hawk now, so what chance do we have? I am all over the place, I dont know what to do. Help! She hasn't kicked him out because he is her H and she is in a M with him and she has kids with him. It's not so cut and dried: "Have an affair and you're out". It is her life that she is kicking out. She may never "kick him out" but do you really want to be with a man because he was thrown out and didn't come to you of his own free will? Yes, she will be watching him like a hawk, but when you say "what chance do we have?" there is no "we". The "we" is your MM and his W. He may well want everything to die down and talk to his W and end his M for his R with you. He may panic at the thought of losing his M and not care about losing his R with you. He may be scared of losing both his R and his M! What I'm saying is anything could really happen at the moment, what you need to do is think about YOU. What do YOU want? How can YOU move on? Actions speak louder than words, so every I love you that you hear, let it go in one ear and come out of the other until he has a concrete timeline of your future together. I hope it works out for the best...for YOU
hardknocks Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I've gone through this too. It was like D - years though. Yep I said years. Hard to imagine isn't it? But it happens and it was awful. I feel your pain. The worst part is the not knowing isn't it? The sudden drop off in communication for me was very painful - abusively so. But the one thing I think you got going for you.. believe it or not, that I didn't, was that I think he plainly stated his intentions right now (to stay and work on his marriage i.e. promised NC with you to his wife). Mine promised all the time that she was 'on the way to the laywer now' and it never happened. And you have to be careful what you are wishing for here... for her to kick him out. And under these circumstances. I never wanted that. I wanted my MW to CHOOSE ME and not as a knee jerk reaction to being caught either. People make horrible decisions when they are under stress. I don't think you want your MM to make that decision now. Let him do it when he knows what he is doing - you want him to leave and choose you. From the research I have read, the chances of him leaving due to a large traumatic event like an A is slim. So I wouldn't count on him packing his bags righ t now. More likely, they M ends over a period of time after a mountain of dissatisfaction has added up. Right now he is in the ambivalence stage which can last for a long time - or forever. He's not sure what to do. The war that is going on in his head is weighing the pros and the cons of staying or leaving. You can do the list yourself - list out the reasons he would stay and the reasons he might leave. Think it through from HIS perspective and see what you get. It may even be a tie. But generally, the MM is leaving a long term R, his children, his house, friends, family, could have an impact on his job, his self esteem and pride would probably take a hit too. On the other hand he may get in a R with you BUT knows from experience that the fire of romantic love dwindles over time and by logical extension believes in a few years he might be in the same situation .. just with you as his wife. If he leaves .. he gets romantic love back in his life .. but that may not be enough to tip the scale. But of course I am just speculating to help you think of it from his view and be reasonable about you expectations of this situation. At the same time you may want to ask yourself, what you want - is it just him or is it a relationship with somebody you love to your core? Ask yourself why you are so scared of losing him? Are you scared of being alone or not being able to find somebody like him? IF so.. you may want to think through those thougts.. because they probably are distortions. Last I would seriously consider seeking professional help.. if you are not already. This is an amazingly traumatic event in your life. You should treat it as such and do everything you can to take care of yourself.
moon&stars Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 And he hasnt left! She found a text which just could not be explained away, and gave me hell on the phone. I didnt hear from him for 3 days! I was going mad, not knowing what was happening. This is what he told me... He loves me. He isnt sure if he loves her, his feelings are "complicated" but he doesnt want to hurt her or the children. He isnt leaving - yet. But he wants us to stay in touch, if only as friends. What the hell do I do? I thought if she ever found out it would be over (he always said she would never forgive him). He is staying with her but he loves me? How long do I stay the OW?? I cant let him go! I love him so much. Why hasnt she kicked him out? He admits he has promised never to contact me, she will be watching him like a hawk now, so what chance do we have? I am all over the place, I dont know what to do. Help! Unfortunately, you might not like to hear what I am going to say. But it is honesty. The true fact of the matter is, for the most part, not all women that say they would leave their husbands, in a heartbeat, if he cheated, really do. Yes, their first reaction, out of anger and hurt, may be "pack your bags". But just as many women that do leave their husbands, don't. So many women that swore, they would leave their husbands, decide they actually want to try and work things out. Yes, he says he loves you, and he very well may. But he has history with his wife, and has children, and he has a commitment to them. He has been exposed, and most men hate the thought of what everyone will think of him, if he leaves his wife and children for the OW. Yes, she will be watching him like a hawk. He will need some time to sort things out. But don't be surprised if you never get closure on this, on your part, happens all the time. It is the sad part of being the OW.
Seen_It_All Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I didnt hear from him for 3 days! Those were the 3 days he was telling his wife how much he loves her, how you meant NOTHING to him, and how he'll die if he loses her and the family. Standard MM behavior when they caught with their pants down. He loves me. Sure he does - but he loves his wife and family more and will never leave. Thus the 3-day groveling and begging session when you didn't hear from him. He isnt sure if he loves her, his feelings are "complicated" but he doesnt want to hurt her or the children. LOL - gotta love it when they use the word "complicated." A generic term they throw out there that REALLY means, "I don't want to lose my wife and family but I don't want to lose my side excitement either..surely I can buy all the time in the world if I act as though I'm real confused - right? He isnt leaving - yet. Now that's a correct statement. But he wants us to stay in touch, if only as friends. This is known as "Insurance." He wants to keep you around in case his wife throws his ass out and he needs a soft place to land. These cowards ALWAYS need a soft place to land. But it's also self serving..if you stick around as his 'friend,' before long you'll be providing everything you were before D-Day struck. Sweet. He is staying with her but he loves me? Betcha he's telling HER how much he loves her and NEVER loved you. In fact, you can bet your life on it. How long do I stay the OW?? Why would you want to do that? The guy dumped you cold when he had to make a choice. Didn't even BOTHER to call you for 3 days. Left you hanging in the wind while he begged his wife on bended knees, tears in his eyes, to forgive him for the HORRIBLE MISTAKE he'd made by giving you the time of day. So why would ANYONE give someone like this one more precious minute of their lives? What am I missing here??? He admits he has promised never to contact me... True to form, the lying sack of shyt has already broken his promise to the wife he begged on bended knee to stay with him forever. Why am I so NOT surprised?
Jane Doe Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Seen_It_All, that was excellent! You hit the nail on the head!
outofdarkness Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Just wanted to say that not all of us BS's "leave"...I really didn't even have to ask after our D day considering the fact that I received a letter in the mail from the OW of 10 years...I DID feel better getting our nasty wheelbarrow and throwing all of his belongings in the garage; didn't want to embarrass the kids by putting it in the front, but HE left just assuming that the kids and I would not tolerate being made to feel like WE had to leave our home, pets, etc...It was 100 percent MY decision whether or not to work on the M through MC, etc..We never legally separated, as my attorney advised against this, but we were separated twice for six months at a time. During this time, he entered treatment, both in and outp..went to MC with me and FC with our kids. I STILL couldn't take it, so I did file. It was only after he agreed to my specific terms that I agreed to stay with him, allowed him to move back home and began to really work on trusting him again. Yes, I agree with the poster who stated that they do like to have "insurance". They are cake eaters...some anyway...
BenThereDunThat Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Seen_It_All, that was excellent! You hit the nail on the head! Yeah. You know I would rather stick needles into my eyeballs than agree with S_I_A....I don't agree with her delivery, but her message is spot on. Again - I'm only saying this because I know it will come up...there IS the small (teensy, weensy, itty bitty, tiny) percentage.....
moon&stars Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Seen_It_All, that was excellent! You hit the nail on the head! Ditto, mostly about the 3 days groveling.
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