stace79 Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I posted this in another thread...but thought it might fit in here, too..Thanks for reading. Met MR almost a year ago. Wasn't sure at first if we'd hit it off romantically, but there was chemistry there. He had an ex he still had feelings for, this was made clear to me. However, we kept growing closer and closer, eventually started to make out and do over the clothes physical stuff, but no sex. I would stay the night with him, I met his family out of town, and he met mine. He came to stay at our beach condo for two days with the family. He saw the ex again last july, and she still didn't want a commitment, so he and I started to get more serious, became intimate together in August. September she found out about me, begged to see him again, yada yada. He let her come visit him in September, but decided his feelings were strong for me and he wanted to date me exclusively. (Yes, we got the intimacy and exclusivity backward). Dated exclusively through Christmas/New Year's week. She found out about a really romantic evening he gave me for my birthday by stalking my Myspace profile (not intimate, just very personal and sweet). She emailed and said she couldnt talk to him anymore, which freaked him out and he told me he was sorry, he still had some feelings for her, and he needed a break from dating exclusively. I was very upset and revealed to him that I'm in love with him. He still felt a break was in his best interest, so I granted him that, and we haven't spoken or seen each other much at all (maybe once or twice over the month). Fast forward to now, and today he told me he has decided to just be single and not date anyone for awhile. I was upset, and of course we talked for like two hours about this decision. I told him while I believe he cares about me, it is easier to comprehend that he does not care for me...it's too hard to think about not being with him if he cares for me like he says. I ask if there is anything i can do to change his mind. He says that yes, to be his friend and if we are meant to be together we will end up together. He says 'We need to start over from the roots as friends." I say that is too hard given my feelings. Then he says he wants to be totally honest with me and tell me something. I say okay, then he waits like five minutes before saying "I love you." He says he will go out of his way to be my friend and keep me in his life, and that he doesn't want to lose me. He hopes I will reciprocate. I guess my concerns are: 1. How do I be a friend to someone I love, and someone who said he loves me? 2. Why would he say he loves me but then want us to start over as friends? 3. If I decide to try and be his friend, how do I keep from just "waiting" and hoping that he will change his mind? I don't want to lose him from my life either, but I also don't want to miss out on opportunities because I am holding out for him. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. I'm crushed and anxious and sad.
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I guess my concerns are: 1. How do I be a friend to someone I love, and someone who said he loves me? You can not be "friends" with someone you are in love with. It will keep you from healing and being open to meeting someone new. Ask yourself this question. "What can an ex-lover give me as a friend that my other friends can not?" You will easily understand why you can not be friends. 2. Why would he say he loves me but then want us to start over as friends? Here, let me translate what he is saying. "I want to keep you on a string, on the back burner, in case the other women I am talking to don't work out. I may even want to keep you around for sex if I want it." Comprehende? 3. If I decide to try and be his friend, how do I keep from just "waiting" and hoping that he will change his mind? I don't want to lose him from my life either, but I also don't want to miss out on opportunities because I am holding out for him. If you are broken up, staying friends doens't create new opportunities to rekindle a relationship. In fact, it will almost insure that a second chance will not occur. Why? Because he knows that you're "waiting around for him" and that is not appealing. Usually second chances only occur when the dumper thinks they have lost you forever. It will never occur to him that he has lost you for good if you maintain contact. Ever. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. I'm crushed and anxious and sad. The first thing you need to do is go no contact and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. You need to implement NC and stick to it. Put 100% of your focus on yourself and not him. You can not control the past and what has happened so LET IT GO. You'll just burn emotional energy focusing on the past and it will delay your own healing. When you are healed you may find that you do not want this guy anymore and would find greater success with someone new who quit on you as easily as this guy did. Cheers.
Author stace79 Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 I was hoping that you would reply, because I've seen some of your advice to others here. It's been great. I was also afraid you were going to say all of what you said. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do...or even what I'm capable of doing...but please know that your advice definitely did not fall on deaf ears. Thanks very much. You can not be "friends" with someone you are in love with. It will keep you from healing and being open to meeting someone new. Ask yourself this question. "What can an ex-lover give me as a friend that my other friends can not?" You will easily understand why you can not be friends. The first thing you need to do is go no contact and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. You need to implement NC and stick to it. Put 100% of your focus on yourself and not him. You can not control the past and what has happened so LET IT GO. You'll just burn emotional energy focusing on the past and it will delay your own healing. When you are healed you may find that you do not want this guy anymore and would find greater success with someone new who quit on you as easily as this guy did. Cheers.
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