lemon Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I've been with a wonderful guy for 6 months. The relationship has progressed very quickly into us spending practically all our time together. We laugh a lot, share lots of interests and really do enjoy each other's company. He does have anxiety issues, for which he is receiving counselling. His life plans have drastically changed since meeting me - he has been motivated to seek out a new career and move to be nearer to me. He's only really ever casually dated, and even his parents have been surprised at the effect I seem to have had on him in terms of getting him motivated. But a few days ago he said that he was feeling like he needed to spend more time apart as we've been living in each other's pockets. He said he felt really scared about the future, because he's never seen himself in a long term relationship before and he's worried about losing the time he can spend doing his own thing. He asked for a couple of days apart a week. I am sure he does love me, and I have agreed to give him his space. We agreed that we'd have 4 days apart when we would not contact each other much. He's called me to say goodnight every night and he's texted me to say he really hopes we can stay together and that he can sort his own issues out soon. We're seeing each other at the weekend. Can this work? I'm willing to give him the time and space he needs, I love him tremendously and can see a future together with him. When I talk about it with my male friends they say it's not unusual and if the pressure to spend every minute with me is off then he'll be more than happy and will enjoy being around me much more. Does this sound familiar, or should I believe all the posts that say that commitment phobia is just an excuse to leave the relationship?
Krytellan Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 He does have anxiety issues, for which he is receiving counselling. But a few days ago he said that he was feeling like he needed to spend more time apart as we've been living in each other's pockets. These VERY likely go together. There is a good chance that his own issues are interfering with his ability to be intimate emotionally with someone. If that's the case, there is little you can do about it. Also, be careful hanging on to what the parents think. Parents liking you can be just as easily detrimental to a relationship as it can be helpful. If you plan to try to make this work, expect a lot of ups and downs.
confucious Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 It can work beautifully for you both if it is coming from a genuine place, ie: he really does feel like he is losing parts of his life and needs to try and get them in order, or it is his anxiety in which case patience and understanding could strengthen your bond.most importantly - if it is something you can both live with and be happy with. If he becomes happy with the new arrangment but you feel unsatisfied, unloved, or like your relartionship is lacking then it is NOT WORKING. Sometimes a comppromise can be found, other times one partner ends up making too many sacrifices.I just exited a relationship in which she needed time alone, was not phone oriented, and did what she wanted when she wanted. This was mostly not the case in the beginning. Regardless of whether she was comning from a true and loving place but just needed tons more space or not, the new level of intimacy/closeness - the new balance - was not good enough for me. Though I love her I need more and it is not fair to her, but more importantly ME, for us to try and stay together. Try the new scene and see if it gels - giving the space he needs is paramount...you can only find out if it is an exit ploy by going along with it, unfortunately. Good luck.
Reckless Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I'm not a guy but from what guys have told me and what I observe .. especially if this his your man's first trip to the deep end, yes this sounds about normal; He's gonna start feeling the pinch right about now and will need to do the old Mars 'n Venus thing and pull back a little. If you are right for each other and you don't get all clingy and panicky then there's no reason he won't 'spring' back. Close does not mean "in each other's pockets", even married people have a little time to themselves to think, pursue a hobby, pray, meditate... coming togher usually involves a certain amount of stepping forward and pulling away - as long as the general trend is up there is nothing to be overly concerned about. And, playing devil's advocate a little here, even if he were relationship phobic and having a full blown panic attack, holding him too close and resticting movement will only have him running for them there hills. Give him the space and time he needs, take some time out for yourself too and re-establish the coming phrase of your relationship on a footing you BOTH feel comfortable with.
brokenhart2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I wouldn't worry about it at all. Even if a man is completely into you, it's natural and normal for him to feel like he needs space. I think as long as we comply to that request, they will appreciate it and be back in full force. I would feel lucky to have a guy be that honest about what he's feeling. He knew that you deserve that honesty, as much as he deserves a little time away. I'm sure it will all turn out fine!
Author lemon Posted February 3, 2007 Author Posted February 3, 2007 Thank you so much for all your replies. I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier, but my internet was playing up. I'm so glad you all say it's normal. In fact, we were supposed to wait until today (Saturday) before seeing each other but he couldn't wait and came down after he finished work on Thursday night. He told me he really wants to make this work but just needs to sort some stuff out in his own mind and as long as we take it slowly and there's no pressure of long term committment he's sure he'll get there. We've decided to just see how it goes and if either of us needs space, we can just ask for it without fear. I really hope this works as I do love him and I know he loves me too. I guess it's difficult for me to understand but I'm willing to accept it. It could all go wrong but then so could any relationship! Thanks again!
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