the_alchemyst Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Tonight I feel so restless. Tonight is one of those nights when nothing occupies my mind because there is too much already there. Tonight I feel cold, tired, and empty, yet full of hope; a hope that makes me feel warm and rejuvenated. They say that hope is the last thing you should lose because it is what keeps us striving for a better tomorrow; a better life. For me, this is true because hope is the one thing I have not yet lost. But I wish I would. I wish I could. I still have hope, and is it ruining my present and sacrificing my future all for life that will be anything but better. Hope, in my case, is evil, and I don't want it. Anymore. I said to myself that I would stop. That I would stop smoking so much weed. Stop smoking cigarettes. Stop doing any and all other drugs. Stop drinking so much wine to lullaby me to sleep. I said I would stop, but it is hard and I don't think I can. These are the only things that help me forget about the hope that is ever present, even if painfully concealed, in my heart. How can I let go? If I do, I lose. And if I don't, I also lose. Tonight I feel restless and anxious. My hands are cold; I know I'm nervous. And above all, sad. I want to go outside, inhale deeply, and get rid of these feelings because it's like distant, but closer. like a stranger, who sends birthday cards, and comes home for the holidays, only to leave the day after. it's like singing along, without knowing exactly the right words. it's like when you can't quite remember the name, but you know the face. you are: like forgetting, waking up from a dream, missing, lost. like remembering the delicate way you roughed me up, while playing doctor with scalpels old but oh so sharp. Sigh. Some days, I just really don't know what to do with myself.
magichands Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Sigh. Some days, I just really don't know what to do with myself. Today I've been plugging the glass dildo. Heard nothing but good reviews. A sense of humour is important, so give yourself a good ribbing, I say. PS: Love the poem. Were you high when you wrote it?
magichands Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I said I would stop, but it is hard and I don't think I can. Glass dildos are addictive.
dropdeadlegs Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Glass dildos are addictive. So I have recently heard. Interesting.... the-alchemyst Don't give up hope. Give up expectation instead. Hope is eternal, expectation is in the here and now. Everyday. Eternity in and of itself suggests no end. I have eternal hope for you.
magichands Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Don't give up hope. Give up expectation instead. Hope is eternal, expectation is in the here and now. Everyday. Eternity in and of itself suggests no end. I have eternal hope for you. What a beautiful way to end a thread. I agree... take some time for the little things that life has to offer us. (No, I'm not talking about penises.) Damn! How do I delete my post?! Damn!
Motor35 Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I said to myself that I would stop. That I would stop smoking so much weed. Stop smoking cigarettes. Stop doing any and all other drugs. Stop drinking so much wine to lullaby me to sleep. I said I would stop, but it is hard and I don't think I can. These are the only things that help me forget about the hope that is ever present, even if painfully concealed, in my heart. Ahhhh....self medication is my favorite. I have been doing this for about a week now. How long have you been struggling? (I am kinda new here)
Author the_alchemyst Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 the-alchemyst Don't give up hope. Give up expectation instead. Hope is eternal, expectation is in the here and now. Everyday. Eternity in and of itself suggests no end. I have eternal hope for you. You are too sweet. And too nice to deteriorated bums like myself. I appreciate all of your words. Really. But sometimes I feel bad because I feel that they are wasted on people like me. Damn! How do I delete my post?! Damn! I don't know. Although I wish I did. Ahhhh....self medication is my favorite. I have been doing this for about a week now. How long have you been struggling? (I am kinda new here) I've been struggling with addictions on and off for about 6 years now. For the last several months, though, I've been nothing but on, and it's just really pathetic.
Guest Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Hmmmmmmmmmmm, should i comment on the glass dildos or the addiction seeing that i am very close to venus envy - the glass dildo wins! man, i have already bought her 4 valentine day gifts - another one won't hurt - wink actually, another one will be enjoable lol
dropdeadlegs Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I'm not always so nice and sweet. You are too young, and intelligent, and beautiful to give up on yourself. If you hear that often enough, and I intend to repeat it regularly, my hope is that you may believe it yourself one day. One day soon. Building, or at least attempting to build, someone's self worth will never feel like wasted time or wasted attempts to me. I sorely needed that myself at your age, and continue to struggle, but the struggle isn't as hard anymore. It's more of a flat terrain struggle than an uphill one. May your struggles get easier in time, too. It's supposed to feel good, not bad, to be cared for. I can see how that can be turned upside down by bad experiences. You have had enough of those to skew your view of being cared for. For caring for yourself. I'll just keep loving you, because it makes me feel good to do so. It's selfish.
KittenMoon Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I've been struggling with addictions on and off for about 6 years now. For the last several months, though, I've been nothing but on, and it's just really pathetic. You're not alone A. I struggle w/ addiction as well, though not with drugs and alcohol. I think it's just good to recognize it as a negative coping method, and try to work through it.
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