Flyin in Clouds Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 Let's see. Watching football with the guys, or playing pool on my birthday with the guys versus a romp in the hay with a woman. the guys or a woman... hmmmm... that's an easy one for me. "Guys see you later, I've got some other business to take care of.... ". But that's just horny old me. Maybe the guys that like hanging more with the guys than their woman are secretly gay.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Let's see. Watching football with the guys, or playing pool on my birthday with the guys versus a romp in the hay with a woman. the guys or a woman... hmmmm... that's an easy one for me. "Guys see you later, I've got some other business to take care of.... ". But that's just horny old me. Maybe the guys that like hanging more with the guys than their woman are secretly gay. So if I understand you correctly...he shouldn't have any friends. One thing is for sure...this guy needs to stop having his gf hang around his friends....with a gf like that and friends like his...who needs enemies.
Flyin in Clouds Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 So if I understand you correctly...he shouldn't have any friends. ... Nope not saying that. I am saying when it comes to a choice of who I'd spend time with I'd choose my women over my guy friends. I just enjoy her more than "the guys". My birthday? That's not guy time, that's my gal's time. If I have a choice of who to make unhappy by the lack of my being with them you can bet it won't be my gal I make unhappy.
mattea Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I can REALLY relate to what you're going through. For me it isn't age - I'm in my early 30's. I'm wondering if it isn't as much to do with age as it is what other people have mentioned - something missing in the relationship. I really understand feeling guilty about having the thoughts and desires for someone else and not being able to get that person out of your head. I have been feeling awful for similar reasons. My mom told me to feel guilty about actions, not feelings. In my case, this other guy who I'm really attracted to tried to kiss me - I turned my head and stopped it from happening. Then I told him we can't spend time together anymore. I'm sticking to that while I try to work on my relationship. You too have not done anything wrong by having desires. You've acted very admirably. Don't worry about the people who say there's something wrong with having these feelings or staying in the relationship while you try to figure it all out. It would be impulsive to leave a 1 1/2 year relationship because you have an attraction to someone else. I agree that the attraction to someone else is telling you something about what's missing in your relationship. It's really hard when you feel like your b/f isn't all that enthusiastic/excited about being with you and then someone is so completely viscerally excited about being near you, isn't it? Perhaps you can look at this as an opportunity to better your relationship with your b/f. You have information now - you know more what you need from him. It's great that you talked to him about it. It doesn't seem that at this point you are certain enough about leaving the relationship to take that step. If you give it everything you can to try to make it work, if you talk to him about needs he might have that aren't getting met and try to be there for him, if you talk to him about your needs and try to get yours met, if you really really try and then you STILL feel this way, your decision will be more clear. Or maybe things will get better with him and you'll both be more into the relationship. I'm sorry it's so confusing, but it's a chance to turn things around, one way or another. And for what it's worth, having thoughts and desires to be with someone who you feel a connection with is not the same as cheating and does not mean you will cheat. You obviously care for you b/f a lot.
Guest Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I am in a similar situation however the diff is my boyfriend is a really busy man and has not been giving the attention I deserve. So I flat out told him that I still want to continue to see him and I also want to see other men. He had a fit and told me that I could not have my cake and eat it too. Well I hate to say that I will have my cake and eat it too.
Pretty Fly Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I am in a similar situation however the diff is my boyfriend is a really busy man and has not been giving the attention I deserve. So I flat out told him that I still want to continue to see him and I also want to see other men. He had a fit and told me that I could not have my cake and eat it too. Well I hate to say that I will have my cake and eat it too. Serious? I think you'll get some flak for saying that. What you've written sounds quite selfish. Is he busy doing something he's passionate about? In which case you don't belong together. What about what he deserves? I'm completely not surprised he told you where to stick it. Technically you won't have your cake cos I expect he'll dump you if he hasn't already.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 And for what it's worth, having thoughts and desires to be with someone who you feel a connection with is not the same as cheating and does not mean you will cheat. You obviously care for you b/f a lot. If she cared about her bf, she wouldn't want to be with other men.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I am in a similar situation however the diff is my boyfriend is a really busy man and has not been giving the attention I deserve. So I flat out told him that I still want to continue to see him and I also want to see other men. He had a fit and told me that I could not have my cake and eat it too. Well I hate to say that I will have my cake and eat it too. Not if he dumps you.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 sorry but i think that u dont want to be with ur bf because u want other guys. when ur truley in love with someone, than thats the person that u think about being with, not their friends. u cant have ur cake and eat it to in a relationship. u are either in love or ur not, i dont believe in any grey areas. not saying u cant be attracted to other people, thats natural. but developing feelings for someone else is a signal that ur losing feelings for ur bf. u would only think about him. case closed.
Walk Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I had to respond to this part: u are either in love or ur not, i dont believe in any grey areas Really? I've never had that light switch feeling with love. It usually develops and grows when first dating a person, and (if it's ending) it wanes and fades away. Usually there's no sudden jarring "WHAM! I'm in love". Or going along blissfully and suddenly "Thud" I'm out of love. And I love several people in my life. All at the same time. I don't think I've ever had to shut off my love for one person just to love another. So I know I'm capable of loving more than one person at a time. Also, this isn't about "love". This is about needs. The more her bf doesn't meet her needs, the more she will desire someone who will. She loves her bf with his flaws, but she needs certain things in a relationship. She's trying to come to grips with the reality that she can't get those from him, and let go of the hope that he will return to the bf who used to provide those to her. And last.. (not directed at you Lauriebell) ... I don't know how to say this... Positive criticisms are of the type that will help the person grow/develop into someone better. Telling them that they're selfish and couldnt' possibly know how they feel are NOT positive criticisms. Offering to explore why they feel a certain way, helping them rationally think through a situation, or offering suggestions that will allow the person to better their environment... those would be good.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Serious? I think you'll get some flak for saying that. What you've written sounds quite selfish. Is he busy doing something he's passionate about? In which case you don't belong together. What about what he deserves? I'm completely not surprised he told you where to stick it. Technically you won't have your cake cos I expect he'll dump you if he hasn't already. Pretty Fly...I love your avatar...my boys love Monsters Inc!!
Salicious Crumb Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 sorry but i think that u dont want to be with ur bf because u want other guys. when ur truley in love with someone, than thats the person that u think about being with, not their friends. u cant have ur cake and eat it to in a relationship. u are either in love or ur not, i dont believe in any grey areas. not saying u cant be attracted to other people, thats natural. but developing feelings for someone else is a signal that ur losing feelings for ur bf. u would only think about him. case closed. Very well said!! BOOM SHAKALAKA!!!
Pretty Fly Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Pretty Fly...I love your avatar...my boys love Monsters Inc!! Well, thank you
Salicious Crumb Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Also, this isn't about "love". This is about needs. The more her bf doesn't meet her needs, the more she will desire someone who will. . I agree....so she should break up with her bf and go after fulfilling her needs. But she won't because she wants to selfishly string him along the whole time she really wants to hop in the sack with someone else.
Walk Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I agree....so she should break up with her bf and go after fulfilling her needs. But she won't because she wants to selfishly string him along the whole time she really wants to hop in the sack with someone else. So hypothetically, if she's meeting all his needs, ensuring his sexual satsifaction, doing nice things for him, making him feel loved and special, then she's "selfish" cause she desires to have her needs met too? Who says she's "stringing" him along. She told him he wasn't meeting her needs. The bf has a choice. He can listen, and alter his actions to meet her needs, thereby removing her desire for other men... or he can take no action, and eventually the relationship will sputter out and die.
riobikini Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 re: daterhater: " I love my boyfriend, but I think I want to date new people.." Here's a different spin on this: Every year or so I paint the walls in my house. But if -instead of painting them- I chose to buy a new house every time, people would *certify* me as insane. But if the relationship we "live" in becomes a little shabby, or needs fixing up a bit, we start looking at the new "prospects". (Smile) No wonder the list of past relationships is l-o-n-g with some of us. But -thank God- *any* of them can still contact us at our old address. (Smile) -Rio
Salicious Crumb Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 So hypothetically, if she's meeting all his needs, ensuring his sexual satsifaction, doing nice things for him, making him feel loved and special, then she's "selfish" cause she desires to have her needs met too? Where did she say she was meeting all his needs? If she isn't getting her needs met..then she should leave and get them met...simple as that. She is stringing him along because she WANTS TO BE WITH OTHER GUYS!! She just won't because she is afraid she will lose him....if she isn't getting her needs met...then why would she care if she loses him? Who says she's "stringing" him along. She told him he wasn't meeting her needs. She did?...I didn't see anything where she told him. And her own words say she is stringing him along. She wants other men, but doesn't want to lose him.....well make up yer freakin mind.
Sevenmack Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Both datehater and her man are treating each other poorly. He spends little time with her and is neglectful. She's reacting to that by behaving immaturely: Entertaining the possibility of trying out another man; not demanding better treatment from her boyfriend. Neither of them are prize catches. She'd be best to cut off contact with the other man; she's having an affair with him, just without the pleasures of sex. She needs to then take some time -- a few days -- for herself and figure out if her relationship with the boyfriend is worth salvaging. If so, she needs to sit him down and start on the path of working things out. If not, then she needs to ditch him and tell him why save for the emotional infidelity part. Either way, she needs to figure out why she allows her relationships to fall into such neglect; this probably isn't the first time this has happened in her case. And the boyfriend needs to figure out the same. Two people created the problem and it requires at least the same number to salvage it.
Walk Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 She did?...I didn't see anything where she told him. And her own words say she is stringing him along. She wants other men, but doesn't want to lose him.....well make up yer freakin mind. I talked to my boyfriend and told him everything that was bothering (minus the part about his friend). I suggested separating and giving eachother space so we could each figure out what we wanted. He did NOT want to do this. He kept saying he'll try harder and he didn't want to separate. Now he's planning trips together. (This is something we've never done) I think that was the last time she posted on her thread. I dont blame her either. She got whomped on for expressing her problem.
Pretty Fly Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Both datehater and her man are treating each other poorly. He spends little time with her and is neglectful. She's reacting to that by behaving immaturely: Entertaining the possibility of trying out another man; not demanding better treatment from her boyfriend. Neither of them are prize catches. She'd be best to cut off contact with the other man; she's having an affair with him, just without the pleasures of sex. She needs to then take some time -- a few days -- for herself and figure out if her relationship with the boyfriend is worth salvaging. If so, she needs to sit him down and start on the path of working things out. If not, then she needs to ditch him and tell him why save for the emotional infidelity part. Either way, she needs to figure out why she allows her relationships to fall into such neglect; this probably isn't the first time this has happened in her case. And the boyfriend needs to figure out the same. Two people created the problem and it requires at least the same number to salvage it. Very sensible
Salicious Crumb Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I think that was the last time she posted on her thread. I dont blame her either. She got whomped on for expressing her problem. Notice she said "minus the part about his friend".....uh...thats the most important part. And she was advised by some here that she should break up with her boyfriend to pursue her "desires". If she is too worried about losing her boyfriend...well thats just too bad. Either she tries to get his friend, or any other guy, in the sack....or she stays and works it out with her boyfriend....its really that simple. And if she still wants to soooo badly to make out with other guys, like she stated, yet doesn't want to break up with her bf...then she IS stringing him along.
mattea Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Walk, I really agree with you on this one. Reality is, relationships go through ups and downs. People change, there are strains and stresses, ebbs and flows. Feelings for someone else can indicate that there are problems that need to be addressed to see if things can improve for both partners. I'm not even saying just focusing on what your partner can do to make you feel happy, but also on taking responsibility for your own part in creating the distance or issues. Since I don't believe there is just one person for everyone, it sort of seems likely that at some point during a long relationship people are going to have attractions/feelings for someone else. They might just be little attractions that are no big deal, but if it's something more it likely does indicate something missing & problems in a relationship that need to be addressed. Here's an example. A family member of mine has been in a relationship for the last 18 years. They were quite young when they got together. At one point, probably around 10 years into the relationship, her partner was not feeling very attracted to her anymore. It was hard on her, but his loss of interest in her passed after awhile. Then, the same thing happened to her a couple years later and she was feeling like she wanted to date other people. Since he'd been through the same thing, he knew what she was feeling and asked her to stick it out like he had. She did, and their relationship was revived once again after a time. I'm not sure of all the details of what was going on in their relationship at these times and what they had to work out, but they did it. So, should one have them have left the other at the first sign of attraction to others or lack of desire in their relationship? I guess all I'm saying is what I said before. I think if you're that interested in someone else it really could indicate work needing to be done in your relationship. At least giving it some time (without acting on your crush), in order to sort it out makes sense to me. It just seems so impulsive and foolish to drop a relationship, especially a longer term one, simply because you have feelings/desire for someone else. It should be much more of a process, thinking through the reasons for what's happening, trying to work things out with your partner so you're both feeling fulfilled, etc.
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