I love my boyfriend, but I think I want to date new people

[Walk]

If my bf and I went out and he'd rather not sit with me, was fine with me talking with another guy for HOURS and HOURS, and he was just happy I wasn't in his hair all night....

 

Well, I could see desiring that focused attention from someone else.

 

I wouldn't mind if the guy I was dating was hanging with his friends and on occasion I was "abandoned" so he could play pool or whatever. But if a guys idea of a night out with me entailed spending all his time talking to other people and acting like I wasn't there... I don't think I'd be all that driven to stay with the guy.

 

All a matter of degree's though.

 

There has to be some real indepth contact inbetween wandering off to do your own thing. Either by having dates for just the two of you to talk and feel special. Or time at home where the communication has the 'focused' feel of someone interested in hearing your thoughts and feelings. If it's mostly nights out with the boys, and you're relegated to a back seat more often then not... then hey, we're human... our attentions wander when we have nothing better to do with our time.

 

I'd say talk to your bf. Ask him to step up his efforts in listening to you and asking about your thoughts and feelings. Let him know what's going on inside your head, and give him a chance to step up to the plate. Return the effort he puts in and see if you two can find some new ways to communicate and spend time together that would be more meaningful to you. (that's assuming you don't want to break up with him)

[CaliGuy]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We are best friends. I love him. He loves me. We have some disagreements every now and then, but we're very comfortable with eachother.

 

Lately I have been feeling really stuck. I'm 24. He's 25. The majority of our close friends are engaged or married. We both talk about how crazy we think it is and how neither of us want to be married (yet). I think my boyfriend could very well be the man I end up married to some day, but I don't feel I've lived enough/experienced enough to be fully comfortable in this relationship now. I don't want this to be it even if I do think I'd want to marry him some day. I've been really on edge lately because I'm just not ready to have the kind of relationship we're having now. I don't want him to meet my family yet. I don't want to be this serious yet. I want to meet new guys. I want to kiss new guys. I want to see what it's like to be with other guys. But I feel like I can't because if I do, I ruin things with us.

 

I'm 24 and this is only my second boyfriend. I wonder what else is out there?

 

Now here's a short story...

 

My boyfriend has a 33 year old friend who is an amazingly handsome, intelligent SINGLE man. Last weekend I had a chance to talk to him for several hours because we all met at a bar and my boyfriend abandoned me (no surprise) to go play pool in the other room. I was flattered that out of all tthe people there, the 33 year old chose to stay and talk to me. This is after I couldn't even get my boyfriend to sit for longer than 2 minutes next to me. I had the best night in a really long time. We had so much to talk about even though we're such total opposites. I'm kind of artsy and shy. He's a confident business owner. This guy is usually unaffected by girls, but I thought I brought out a side in him I'd never seen. I made him smile and blush. We really REALLY hit it off. At one point in the night, I left to play some music on the jute box. WHen I turned around, our eyes met from across the room and it was MAGICAL. when he saw that i was going to come back over and sit with him instead of the 20 or so other people i knew that night, he seemed so happy.

 

then we talked for a couple more hours til it was time to go.

i wanted to kiss him so badly.

he ended up crashing on my boyfriend's couch, while i slept in bed with my boyfriend. secretly all i wanted to do was slide in next to him on the couch.

 

but i didn't.

because i'm not single.

 

sigh.

 

i can't stop thinking about him. i know it's wrong to feel this way about my boyfriend's close friend, but i can't help it. i haven't felt this alive in a while.

 

 

HOPEFULLY THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE TO ASK FOR ADVICE.

 

 

One question. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

[mockeryjones]

OP you said you are 24 right? from what i have seen that's just about the time when many women go through questioning of their relationships (if they have one) vs living it up while they still can. personally i think it's a hormonal thing, some genetic drive to widen the potential mating pool that undermines all the disney aspirations in the world. it's a bummer but it's all to common. no idea what you should do, only you can decide that. you seem to already know what your choices are, and what each will cost.

[Krytellan]

Ok..I've heard enough.

 

You say you love your boyfriend?...nah...if you did you wouldn't want to hook up with another guy, much less his friend.

 

Do your boyfriend a favor, break up with him so he can find someone decent.

 

And if this so-called friend was coming on to you, tell him that as well because he doesn't need a backstabbing friend like that....but something tells me he'll find out soon enough when you betray him.

 

Do the decent thing in the midst of not being decent, break up with him so he can move on.

 

I agree with the concept of your post, but is it really necessary to call her indecent?

 

Considering some of the things that go on with people in this forum. She didn't sleep with anyone, didnt get a disease from an affair, didnt cheat and wait 5 years to feel guilty about it, didn't even kiss anyone else, didn't get preganant and pretend it was his. There is nothing indecent about this person.

 

These are thoughts that we have. Thoughts cannot be prevented, it's how we deal with them that makes us who we are. To the OP, yeah, you got a lot to figure out. And there's a good chance that whatever decision you make, you will be fearing it's the wrong one. I would say that the best thing you can do for yourself and your future husband is to move on with someone else and experience life. No one wants to hear 5 years from now that you feel like you missed out and need to go sew your wild oats (i.e., go bang lotsa guys cuz you didn't get to earlier).

 

I would beeeeeg one thing of you. Please do not get together with ANYONE associated with your b/f. Losing a girlfriend is one thing, but being able to envision a familiar face banging your ex? No one needs that. Dear god do not put him through that. I would never want to "know" someone that has been with my girlfriend... former or not.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Good start you spilled your thoughts out into a post, Daterhater.

 

The only part that baffles me is: Why are you trying to postpone the inevitable?

 

A bird locked into a cage -who's only desire is to fly out into the open world and experience the mountains and valleys.

 

Sooner or later -most likely sooner -you will cheat on your boyfriend. Sure, women say it a hundred times that they would never cheat, but it happens within a blink of an eye -when you least expect it.

 

Thus, the break-up will be painful for him -and you -but you must settle this at once. Don't delay. Speak to your boyfriend about the need to see other men.

 

Be honest with him. Thereafter, take your own lead -but don't date within his circle of friends. Because that would be the most dishonoring thing you could do to him.

 

Sand&Water

[Pretty Fly]

OP you said you are 24 right? from what i have seen that's just about the time when many women go through questioning of their relationships (if they have one) vs living it up while they still can. personally i think it's a hormonal thing, some genetic drive to widen the potential mating pool that undermines all the disney aspirations in the world. it's a bummer but it's all to common. no idea what you should do, only you can decide that. you seem to already know what your choices are, and what each will cost.

 

My friend as a theory along these lines that she calls "The Stage", and it's a few years in a persons life where they want to "sow their wild oats". It usually happens after they've been in 1 long or a number of long relationships, usually with somebody they met at uni or just after. With guys, it tends to happen from the ages of around 27 to 31. with girls, it's a little younger and is around 21 to 25.

 

The general trend is that guys tend to go out with a girls a couple of years or so younger than them, so could it be that the girl (as in this case) decides she wants to see other people, the guy gets a bit bitter and decides he's just going to sleep with as many women as he can. (I'm sure probably works vice versa too.)

[daterhater]

I'm surprised by all of the people who think I'm a cruel person who's going to cheat on her boyfriend. I'm not. I love my boyfriend, but I'm trying to sort out the feelings I have now because I want what's best for him AND me. If one night sitting with his friend makes me wonder "what if..." perhaps I shouldn't be with him. Is there a girl out there who will think of nothing but being with him or does that only exist in "Disney movies" as someone said.

I don't know if I believe in "the one" anymore. I don't think it's possible to be married to someone and NEVER think "what if..."

 

I also misused the word "abandoned" I suppose. To me, it is unusual to spend your birthday night away from your girlfriend for 5 hours straight. When I walked into the bar, we said "hi" and hugged. That was it. He didn't pull up a chair next to him. This is when I sat by his friend who seemed more happy to see me than my boyfriend did. When we changed bars, my boyfriend did not offer to drive me. He didn't not offer to ride with me. I ended up driving myself and his sister to the next bar. While we were there, he left to play pool. Now, I'm completely fine with him having his guy time. I don't give a **** if we go out for a night and he engages in conversations with people. I'm not needy. But the fact that he was able to spend the majority of his birthday without having the desire to spend even 5 minutes with his girlfriend baffles me. It makes me question whether or not we truly are in love. This kind of thing has happened numerous times.

 

Oh, and I would never cheat on him. EVER. Just because others have said the same thing and have done it anyway, doesn't mean I'm the same.

 

His friend who I have a crush (or whatever it is) on is a really nice guy. He has kept his distance. He is not sleazy. I've hung out with him before. There have been maybe 3 occassions recently where my boyfriend, the 33 year old, and me are out at a bar and my boyfriend wanders off for an hour while me and the 33 year old are left alone to chat. This has happened enough where we've really gotten to know eachother and have developed a friendship. The last time (at my bf's birthday party) was the first time I felt anything more for this guy than friendship. And it worried me. That is why I came to you guys. I felt a spark. I know he felt it. And I do NOT want to feel this with my boyfriend's friend. And no, I will not act on it. I just don't know why I'm feeling it or how to stop it or if having this feeling means I'm a ****ty girlfriend who isn't really in love with her boyfriend.

[daterhater]

Oh yeah, I also took some of your advice.

After making this thread, I talked to my boyfriend and told him everything that was bothering (minus the part about his friend). I suggested separating and giving eachother space so we could each figure out what we wanted. He did NOT want to do this. He kept saying he'll try harder and he didn't want to separate. Now he's planning trips together. (This is something we've never done)

 

Things are improving, but I still wonder if I'm settling. But explaining why I consider him as "settling" is another story.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I don't relate well to your situation because I'd much rather spend time with my girl (wife) than with any group of guys. My wife is far prettier and more intresting. But that's just me.

 

One thing that bothers me is that you are keeping some secrets from your BF, which to me is a kind of cheating. You aren't leveling with him about your "crush" on this older guy. That's not fair. And if your BF is at all honest he'd tell you that he finds other women attractive too.

 

You need to let your BF know he screwed up by leaving you allow while some other guy gave you the attention you wanted you BF to be giving you.

[Pretty Fly]

To be fair i don't think you mentioned it was his birthday etc. That does sound a bit odd he'd do that. But sometimes us guys need a kick to make us realise what we've got so we don't take it for granted

[dropdeadlegs]

daterhater, I don't think you are horrible for having any of the feelings you have shared.

 

I think you felt a spark/attraction for your BF's friend because he showed an interest/attention to you when you were not feeling that from your BF.

 

It's good that you talked to your BF about how you were/are feeling, that was what needed to take place. Now you can go from here and see if things change, if your needs are better met in the coming weeks. If they aren't, well you will know what to do for yourself.

 

I wish you well.

[Salicious Crumb]

I'm surprised by all of the people who think I'm a cruel person who's going to cheat on her boyfriend. I'm not. I love my boyfriend,

 

Obviously not if you want to bed down his friend.

 

but I'm trying to sort out the feelings I have now because I want what's best for him AND me.

 

You don't worry about what is best for you...what is best for him is to find someone else...someone who will be true to him...because you are not.

 

If you want what is best for him, you will break up with him so he can find someone who only wants him.

 

 

If one night sitting with his friend makes me wonder "what if..." perhaps I shouldn't be with him. Is there a girl out there who will think of nothing but being with him or does that only exist in "Disney movies" as someone said.

I don't know if I believe in "the one" anymore. I don't think it's possible to be married to someone and NEVER think "what if..."

 

Then never get married

 

Oh, and I would never cheat on him. EVER. Just because others have said the same thing and have done it anyway, doesn't mean I'm the same.

 

Nah..you only said you wish you could have been on the couch with his friend when he crashed at your place....geez.

 

His friend who I have a crush (or whatever it is) on is a really nice guy. He has kept his distance. He is not sleazy. I've hung out with him before. There have been maybe 3 occassions recently where my boyfriend, the 33 year old, and me are out at a bar and my boyfriend wanders off for an hour while me and the 33 year old are left alone to chat. This has happened enough where we've really gotten to know eachother and have developed a friendship. The last time (at my bf's birthday party) was the first time I felt anything more for this guy than friendship. And it worried me. That is why I came to you guys. I felt a spark. I know he felt it. And I do NOT want to feel this with my boyfriend's friend. And no, I will not act on it. I just don't know why I'm feeling it or how to stop it or if having this feeling means I'm a ****ty girlfriend who isn't really in love with her boyfriend.

 

Cheese and rice girl....does someone need to smack you in the head? You just said you feel something more than friends for this 33 yo guy, and that you aren't really in love with your boyfriend.

 

HOW FREAKIN' PLAIN DOES IT HAVE TO BE FOR YOU?

 

Break up with your boyfriend so the both of you can move on. You obviously DO NOT love your boyfriend and are engaging in emotional cheating.

 

And yes, you WILL cheat if the opportunity arose because you already admitted to wanting more to happen.

[Walk]

Daterhater,

 

Don't let the harsh words get to you. I know it's sometimes hard not to though.

 

I can really identify with what you've been posting about. Almost a replica of my last relationship. Same experiences, same feelings as what you described. Trying to keep this short so I won't go into details, but I felt the same way as you're describing.

 

I kept "talking" to my ex about what I needed, how I felt, etc. He'd apologize, tell me things would change. That he just didn't realize, or didn't think about it. Like ... how one year he decided we should spend the evening watching football with his buddies so he could talk hang out with them all evening... just happened to be on valentines day. And then he couldnt' afford to even get me a card. Sure had enough for beer though.

 

Anyway. stuff like that always happened. Usually things that he could talk his way out of . Like, he didn't realize I felt that way. Or he thought I was fine talking with so and so all night and I didnt' need him there. And I was fine... but I wanted a partner who WANTED to be around me. Who thought I was pretty special and was willing to show it. I'd talk to him. He'd be great for about a week, then things would revert back to status quo. I'd talk to him again... repeat.

 

Point I'm trying to make is that talking is the first step. Action is the second. Don't let him lapse in this. Don't let things slide past until they pile up. You aren't at a place where you would cheat on your bf, but there is that temptation, and if things slide down hill too far, then the temptation may become stronger then your desire to stay faithful. Every one says "I'll never cheat." There are a lot of people who cheat but they aren't "evil" people. They weren't "looking" to cheat. Situations grow to a point where people cheat. Unfulfilled needs grow to the point that they can convince you to do things you wouldn't normally think is acceptable. I'm not saying you would or wouldn't... all I'm saying is that unless you ENSURE your needs are met, then you're tempting fate to lead you down a path you seriously do not want to go down. So fight with everythign you've got to make your bf see that you need certain things from him in order to be happy in this relationship. And that if they aren't fulfilled, that you will find someone else who can fulfill them.

 

I think you're a good person with your heart in the right place. But don't downplay your needs. Fight to make the relationship work. That requires speaking up and continuing to speak up, and whatever you have to do to prove to him that this is vitally important if he wishes the relationship to last.

[Walk]

And yes, you WILL cheat if the opportunity arose because you already admitted to wanting more to happen.

 

Lay off her. You aren't her. You don't know what she WILL or won't do.

 

Stop making knee jerk assumptions. You got hurt by someone. Doesn't mean every one will cheat just because they had an urge.

 

She's a bright girl, if she takes this seriously, then she can use this as a catalyst to create a better relationship or better life for herself.

[Krytellan]

I actually commend you for being upfront and aware of the possibilities rather than following most people's carnal instincts of cheating, justifying, and blaming their partner for it happening at all.

[Salicious Crumb]

Lay off her. You aren't her. You don't know what she WILL or won't do.

 

 

I do know this...she already admitted to not being in love with her boyfriend any longer and wanting more with his friend.

 

But she won't break up with him and spare him any more pain she will cause him.

 

If she wanted to do the right and decent thing, she will just break up with her boyfriend so he can move on and find someone else that doesn't want to bed down his best friends.

[Karma24]

Oh good Lord, you're young! Go out there and have fun! But...dump your boyfriend first and DON'T feel guilty, whether he tries to make you feel that way or not. He is a big boy. He will survive.

[Lauriebell82]

ur really not being fair..u say u would never cheat. okay. but seriously u would not want to date other guys if u TRULEY loved ur bf. u really need to break up with him REALLY. u want to date other guys, u have the right to do that, but agreeing with everyone else u really need to break up with him first. i'm not sure why its that hard, i mean u said urself that u'd rather be laying next to his friend then him so it doesnt sound like its any skin off ur back. whether he says he can fix it, it may keep ur interest temperaraly, but u'll eventually get bored again or think he's not giving u enough attention and want to date other people once again.

 

live out what u would like to do, but be fair to ur bf and let him find someone that will be devoted and want to be with only him. ur really not being fair to urself or to him.

[Walk]

I do know this...she already admitted to not being in love with her boyfriend any longer and wanting more with his friend.

 

But she won't break up with him and spare him any more pain she will cause him.

She still thinks she can change the relationship. Why do you have to be so pessimistic? Maybe she can change things. I can say for a fact that if she really weren't in love with her bf anymore that she wouldnt' be hesitent to leave. She wouldn't be on here asking what to do. She would've left him and that would've been the end of it. She doesnt' want to leave because she does love him, but her needs aren't getting filled. Her bf was obviously capapble of filling them at one point. She must feel he's still capable, otherwise, why would she even give him the chance?

 

There's obviously a problem in her relationship, but implying that she's a piece o' crap for staying is simplistic. You act like she's the bad guy in all this. For what? Her bf is implying he'd rather not be with her. Any guy stupid enough to leave his woman alone on her bday with a good looking man who wants her.... Pretty dumb guy in my opinion.

 

What I see is a girl who is transfering her desires for feeling wanted and loved to this other guy because she isn't getting them met by her bf. Doesn't mean she wants to replace her bf, but she does need those desires filled. You jump all over her for it. She owes her bf honesty, her bf owes it to her to break up if he can't meet those needs. Not make promises he knows he won't fulfill. That just gives false hope.

[Salicious Crumb]

She still thinks she can change the relationship. Why do you have to be so pessimistic?

 

Why would she want to change the relationship if she is not in love with him?

 

She already said she is not in love with him anymore and has the hots for his friend.

 

How much more plain does that have to be for you?

[dropdeadlegs]

Why would she want to change the relationship if she is not in love with him?

 

She already said she is not in love with him anymore and has the hots for his friend.

 

How much more plain does that have to be for you?

Actually she has consistently stated that she loves her boyfriend unless I missed her moment of realization. I think you are inferring that she cannot love him while having doubts about the relationship and enjoying the attention of the older "friend."

 

I understand where you are coming from and agree that for me, having lustful thoughts of another would tell me that I am no longer in love with my BF. But these is daterhater's thoughts and feelings we are discussing. Her interpretation of being in love may differ greatly from yours or mine. She is stating that she is confused, and not even sure that there's greener grass out there, yet afraid to make a mistake she might regret by breaking up. I personally think that she is having thoughts and feelings for another because her needs are not being met by this man, yet outside of that fact, she believes him to be a generally good person and she cares about him very much.

 

This is her second boyfriend and she is honestly wondering if there's more to a relationship than what she is experiencing. What's so wrong with this that you are condemning her so harshly? Have you never been curious or uncertain in life? She didn't cheat on him and says she won't. You have called her indecent, insisted that she absolutely will cheat on him, and suggested that she never get married. She came here for advice in understanding her feelings and you are continually assassinating her for her honesty. It seems to me that your bitterness might be better directed at the one you harbor the bitterness towards.

[Salicious Crumb]

Actually she has consistently stated that she loves her boyfriend unless I missed her moment of realization. I think you are inferring that she cannot love him while having doubts about the relationship and enjoying the attention of the older "friend."

 

She said, "I just don't know why I'm feeling it or how to stop it or if having this feeling means I'm a ****ty girlfriend who isn't really in love with her boyfriend."

 

Now, whether she says she loves him or not is really irrelevant.

 

Fact is, if she wants to hook up with another man, she doesn't love her boyfriend. Period.

 

"sure I love my boyfriend, but I'd rather be getting it put to me by his friend" ....sure doesn't sound like love to me.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from and agree that for me, having lustful thoughts of another would tell me that I am no longer in love with my BF. But these is daterhater's thoughts and feelings we are discussing. Her interpretation of being in love may differ greatly from yours or mine.

 

If that is the case, then its a screwed up definition of love. I've never known anyone that loves someone, but wants to screw someone else.

 

Sorry, thats not love...in any way, shape, or form.

 

 

She is stating that she is confused, and not even sure that there's greener grass out there, yet afraid to make a mistake she might regret by breaking up.

 

Well thats just too bad. More importantly, its too bad what she is doing to her bf.

 

I personally think that she is having thoughts and feelings for another because her needs are not being met by this man, yet outside of that fact, she believes him to be a generally good person and she cares about him very much.

 

me me me....I need this...I need that. I have seen too many people with this entitlement attitude. If that were a reason to cheat, I'd have slept with 100 women by now.

 

This is her second boyfriend and she is honestly wondering if there's more to a relationship than what she is experiencing. What's so wrong with this that you are condemning her so harshly?

 

Nothing at all. The problem I have is she is being selfish. She wants her cake and eat it too. Thats why I suggest she break up with him to see what is out there....if she loses her boyfriend forever....oh well...too bad so sad. Thats the breaks. If you want to play you gotta pay.

 

 

Have you never been curious or uncertain in life?

 

Sure, but I didn't string anyone along like she is doing to her bf.

 

She didn't cheat on him and says she won't. You have called her indecent, insisted that she absolutely will cheat on him

 

She hoped that they kissed and said she wanted to kiss this other guy so bad....she also said that she wanted to sleep with this guy on the couch when he crashed at their place. There was only one thing stopping her...the bf was present.

 

 

, and suggested that she never get married.

 

Well the never get married comment I admit was over the top...but if she displays this "I wonder if there is better out there" throughout her entire life...then that point stands.

 

She came here for advice in understanding her feelings and you are continually assassinating her for her honesty. It seems to me that your bitterness might be better directed at the one you harbor the bitterness towards.

 

I told her what I think she should do...be she keeps coming back to people in this thread that she is scared to lose her bf if she breaks up....well thats just too bad. She is selfish, plain and simple. If she wanted to do the decent thing, she would break up with her boyfriend and take her chances...otherwise she is just stringing him along and he will always be 2nd fiddle to other guys that she really wants.

[Walk]

I told her what I think she should do...be she keeps coming back to people in this thread that she is scared to lose her bf if she breaks up....well thats just too bad. She is selfish, plain and simple. If she wanted to do the decent thing, she would break up with her boyfriend and take her chances...otherwise she is just stringing him along and he will always be 2nd fiddle to other guys that she really wants.

 

Just a suggestion, but if you want someone to listen, calling them selfish and self-centered probably will cause defensiveness and hostility aginst your "message". It's really easy to throw out "your selfish, dump him"... A lot harder to break it down into understandable parts so that she could come to her own conclusion. People can't be force fed a solution. Nudge them toward a better way and let them find a solution that works for themselves.

 

p.s. Her bf treats her like 2nd fiddle, yet you aren't jumping to call him a selfish ass. Why's that?

[Salicious Crumb]

Just a suggestion, but if you want someone to listen, calling them selfish and self-centered probably will cause defensiveness and hostility aginst your "message". It's really easy to throw out "your selfish, dump him"... A lot harder to break it down into understandable parts so that she could come to her own conclusion. People can't be force fed a solution. Nudge them toward a better way and let them find a solution that works for themselves.

 

p.s. Her bf treats her like 2nd fiddle, yet you aren't jumping to call him a selfish ass. Why's that?

 

Because he is not here in this forum telling everyone that he'd rather be pumping someone besides his girlfriend.

[Pretty Fly]

p.s. Her bf treats her like 2nd fiddle

 

Perhaps he isn't getting his needs met either. Could be a 2 way street. The OP told him what she wants. Perhaps he isn't telling her what he needs to make him happy. Us guys can be complex too.