proudtabby Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Hi ... My boyfriend of one year cheated on me last summer ... it may have involved multiple women, but I will never know (we both agreed to forgive and move on, for multiple reasons). Once we got back together after this incident, a friend of mine, who was concerned that he would do it again, 'set him up'. They put a fake profile on a dating site and my boyfriend made initial contact with this person while we were apart; however, it continued after we reunited. They continued to flirt and e-mail/chat with each other. I was not aware of this going on. Once this communication culminated in a date being arranged between these two and me being lied to about it, my friend let me know what was going on (and sent me transcripts of all of their communications). I was absolutely sick about it and couldn't believe what I was reading in their conversations. The issue is this .... my boyfriend is absolutely LIVID that he was 'set up' and only wants to concentrate on that part of the issue. He says that the sting operation was not 'real' .... therefore, it didn't happen and he was 'tricked' ... and he wants me to cut ties with this friend immediately. (I should mention that this friend was a previous boyfriend of mine, but there is absolutely no interest on either part anymore to get back together. We are just very good friends and he honestly was concerned that this guy was wrong for me ... he truly has no burning desire to get back together with me, nor I with him.) My boyfriend says that this was a major violation of privacy and trust .... and I am conflicted about this. Yes .... he was entrapped, but he had cheated on me once before and he could have easily 'passed this test', but he didn't. Anytime we bring this subject up in trying to work through the trust issues we face now, he becomes quite rageful and concentrates only on this past boyfriend of mine trying to break us up. I try to refocus the conversation back to HIS behavior in this (and that's what I'm most concerned about ... how MY boyfriend acted through this) .... and he just shuts down. I have friends who say this "set-up" was justified because he had cheated/lied before to me ("whether you catch a fish with a fake worm or a real worm, it's still a fish").... while he claims that his friends say this was terrible and malicious and the friend of mine is a psychopath. What should I do? Thanks for any advice/help .... it is needed right now ... in my conflicted life.
bluechocolate Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 The set-up is another issue that you may need to discuss, but the important one at the moment is his communications with this fictitious woman. He has proved to you, once again, that he is willing & ready to cheat on you. I imagine if he had said to his online 'buddy' that he's back with his g/f now & no longer interested then you wouldn't have this problem. But he didn't, did he? The thing is - if you don't want to have to talk about the set-up, then get rid of the guy. End of discussion. And you should - get rid of the guy.
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I have friends who say this "set-up" was justified because he had cheated/lied before to me I think your friends are right.. He had it coming.. and he was stupid to boot.. You obviously were not important enough to him to stop trying to replace you.. be glad you found out now rather than when he did find a replacement.. then you would've been crushed and heartbroken and wondering what you did wrong..
Pyro Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Hi ... My boyfriend of one year cheated on me last summer ... it may have involved multiple women, but I will never know (we both agreed to forgive and move on, for multiple reasons). Once we got back together after this incident, a friend of mine, who was concerned that he would do it again, 'set him up'. They put a fake profile on a dating site and my boyfriend made initial contact with this person while we were apart; however, it continued after we reunited. They continued to flirt and e-mail/chat with each other. I was not aware of this going on. Once this communication culminated in a date being arranged between these two and me being lied to about it, my friend let me know what was going on (and sent me transcripts of all of their communications). I was absolutely sick about it and couldn't believe what I was reading in their conversations. The issue is this .... my boyfriend is absolutely LIVID that he was 'set up' and only wants to concentrate on that part of the issue. He says that the sting operation was not 'real' .... therefore, it didn't happen and he was 'tricked' ... and he wants me to cut ties with this friend immediately. (I should mention that this friend was a previous boyfriend of mine, but there is absolutely no interest on either part anymore to get back together. We are just very good friends and he honestly was concerned that this guy was wrong for me ... he truly has no burning desire to get back together with me, nor I with him.) My boyfriend says that this was a major violation of privacy and trust .... and I am conflicted about this. Yes .... he was entrapped, but he had cheated on me once before and he could have easily 'passed this test', but he didn't. Anytime we bring this subject up in trying to work through the trust issues we face now, he becomes quite rageful and concentrates only on this past boyfriend of mine trying to break us up. I try to refocus the conversation back to HIS behavior in this (and that's what I'm most concerned about ... how MY boyfriend acted through this) .... and he just shuts down. I have friends who say this "set-up" was justified because he had cheated/lied before to me ("whether you catch a fish with a fake worm or a real worm, it's still a fish").... while he claims that his friends say this was terrible and malicious and the friend of mine is a psychopath. What should I do? Thanks for any advice/help .... it is needed right now ... in my conflicted life. Your BF is only mad and wants you to cut ties with your friend because he is embarassed that he got caught and was tricked. He probably thought that he was so slick talking to this supposed girl online and you not supposedly knowing about it. I give you and your friend props. He insulted you and disrespected you, so maybe a dose of his own medicine will open up his eyes and mind a bit, but I doubt it. He only concentrates on that incident because he knows that he did wrong and he is embarassed that his ego was kicked in the as$, so he doesn't want to talk about it and he is attempting to make himself out to be the victim, when it is you who was the victim. These are common behavior patterns of an immature, spineless, coward of a boy and not a man. Personally, I would dump the boy on the side of the road and move on. He has nothing to offer you.
underpants Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Hey there, You no longer need to have any communication with this "man?". He cannot acknowlege let alone apolgizie for his behavior. It is defection to get angry at the person who set him up. Thus, he does not have to deal with himself and what he did. You found out his true character. Be thankful that it happened now. This anger and unwillingness to be accountable for his very obvious intentions, coupled with his past actions should open your eyes. Let him go to be someone else's problem. You don't want this, and you cannot fix him. I kind of think you rock for what you did and you should own it. Cut him out of your life, he does not deserve you. Find someone who does.
Flyin in Clouds Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 My boyfriend of one year cheated on me last summer ... My boyfriend says that this was a major violation of privacy and trust .... I have friends who say this "set-up" was justified .... while he claims that his friends say this was terrible and malicious and the friend of mine is a psychopath. What should I do? Kick him out, move on. He's a cheater and not worth the time of day. Trust violated? Yeah, typical. Catch someone doing something wrong and it's not their fault but someone else's. He shouldn't have been on a dating site at all or chating with other women if he's in a committed relationship with you. Trust? Sure, but verify... The trust that was violated here was your turst of him being faithful. Dump him.
scubafish Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 just 2 cents worth, but get away from this guy. he is still sowing some oats out there, and the fact that he is not even apologetic about this incident says something. police use 'sting' operations to catch the bad guys, if they can , why can't you?
Salicious Crumb Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Hell no its not wrong to set up a cheater. And your suspicions were confirmed. I despise cheaters and it is not wrong to try to catch them doing so. I hope you are dumping this sorry loser and I feel sorry for any woman that ends up with him.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 The dumb sh*t is doing what cheaters always do. He is choosing to focus on the method by which he was caught -- not on what HE did. He is trying to convince you that YOU are somehow in the wrong. Every cheater who's ever been caught immediately launches into righteous indignation mode -- "how dare you invade my privacy by reading my email / checking my cell phone / etc.?" They do this to avoid the issue and to get the fault to land anywhere but on them. Don't buy this crap -- dump his cheating ass. Yes it was entrapment, but so what? He fell for it, and in the process gave you all the evidence you'll ever need to demonstrate that he is not worth sacrificing any more of your life for. The biggest shame is that he ever did anything to put you in the position of having to doubt his fidelity.
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Your buddy "has" your back while your boyfriend is busy putting knives in it. Hmmmm … who to keep around? It would be a no-brainer for me. I'd keep the friend and ditch the loser. Give that gal a high-five for me!!!
nicki Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Way to go! That's what I call teamwork! At least you know now what kind of guy you have on your hands: A CHEATER! It's so much worse not to know. (At this point, I don't mean to hijack your thread, only to add to it with my own perspective.) I just broke up with my boyfriend because he had yet another (unknown to me) female "friend" who I didn't know he was phoning and texting. He swears it was just a friend and nothing more. He's done this before and and swore he wouldn't do it again without me being aware and involved in the friendship. I saw her phone number in his phone and called her. She was defensive and rude to me. She said they were just friends and that she didn't want to get in the middle of my relationship problems. WTF? I don't where the truth is in MY situation....but at least you do in YOURS. Don't let your EX boyfriend turn the tables on you. He's a cheater. That's the only issue. I wish I had thought of doing what you did. You and your friend should start a business doing this kind of thing for the rest of us who are in the dark!
Guest Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Am I the only one to think this action WAS wrong to set someone up 'to cheat'? I think the boyfriend has an absolute right to be upset and question this friend's intentions. Why didn't they mind their own business and let this couple work it out for themselves? I think the friend crossed a line that shouldn't have been crossed. Only my humble opinion.
Guest Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 I can't believe you are even going this far as to post this concern on this message board. Honey, you need to dump him...fast!! Why would you even listen to his retort about this situation! He deserves no need for explanation. I have a friend with a serial cheater of a husband and what gets me the most is that she actually CARES to listen to his side of the story!!?? You are worth more than this loser.
Virgo1982 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 What makes his point of view totally useless is the fact that he pursued your friend. I could maybe-A HUGE MAYBE-see if the friend approached him, but he is a dog and you will be a stronger, happier, and emotionally healthy woman if you drop his manipulative, selfish, controlling, borderline be-hind. Trust us.
Guest Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Proudtabby, I wondered about several things as I read your post. The first thing I have wondered is if you are still reading the responses that are coming in. Its been almost one week (to the hour) that you originally posted. The next thing I wondered was how nice it would be for a guy to be able to "forgive" HIS own indiscretions "and move on". I'm sure all the reasons were valid, but still I wondered. Your BF "made initial contact" and continued while you were reunited. He continued while you were not together, 6 months? 6 days? etc. My intitial feeling is that this happened in a short time span. I am no stranger to the dating sites and know that there are 1000's of men and women on these sites. I think now I am wondering how this could be a "set up". Was he forced to reply to an ad? What was it that induced him to answer the ONE ad that was your friends? I guess I am thinking that he must have made contact in some form with many woman otherwise the ods of this happening would have been very slim of conecting with the one that was the "set up". Moving on to the next paragraph. How has the issue changed from the fact that he was lying and deceiving you to one of he is "livid" over the fact that he was set up? Again, wondering how nice it is to be able to change the issues to one of his emotions at that time rather than one of his actions during the events that have led you to post here. I wonderful trick and play of emotions to divert the real issue to one of him being the victim. Shutting down when you try to bring the real issue back is not a healthy way to deal with things that should be important to you. How would you ever get over these feelings if he is A) unwilling to discuss the issue and B) is unwilling to take ANY blame for what has taken place. If he were caught with a "real woman" would the choices you are making now be any different? As for passing a test. It is easy to pass the test of fidelity when the test is known by both parties. Would he have "easily passed the test" if this woman were sitting across from him at a bar or in front of him at the grocery? To the set up that took place. What if the woman had been real? What if you found this information on his computer? Would you also be accused of violating his privacy and have to throw out any evidence you have of his way of showing you he loves you? Would it be your fault that he was caught and then be forced to apologies to him for invading his things? Would the rage be vented on you? I guess I have a lot of questions and have wondered a bit on this topic of yours. In the end I think that the majority of replies have been to dump the cheater, and that is what he is, and most likely will continue to be. My opinion and advice would be the same. Cut your loses and move on. His actions are one hell of a way to show you he loves you. Its been almost a week since your post. The last thing I have wondered is, have you continued to read the replies? You asked for advice on how to handle things and there have been a fair number of replies on what they thought. My question is, did you take the advice? How are things now and where do you stand?
tweldy Posted February 7, 2007 Posted February 7, 2007 Most of the posts on this board involve affairs and kids and marriages and all sorts of hell that you don't have right now because he's just your boyfriend (although he doesn't sound like much of a friend). Now, needing to dump this guy is dead obvious, so why haven't you done it already? Take this opportunity to get out of the dating scene and do some personal examination for a while. Seriously, the question you SHOULD be asking is "Why did I ever go out with this POS?"
Author proudtabby Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 who took the time to respond to my post. I am not surprised with the general sentiment that was expressed about my situation and what I should do about it. I would like to answer some of 'guest's' questions (who posted on 2/6), the one who wonders. Yes .... I was reading the posts ... taking in every word that all wrote. Again ... I was not surprised with the responses. I just didn't want to post a lot of things back ... as sometimes this can be construed as hijacking your own post (continually 'bumping' it), but yes ... I can assure you I was listening to what others had to say. Now .... the 'set up' and your questions concerning that. I had to laugh when you asked if he was 'forced' somehow to respond. A resounding 'no' is the answer to that. The exercise was really very easy to do evidently. I decided to take a one-month break from the relationship when faced with his first set of 'indiscretions'. I was very angry and hurt .... and needed to gather my thoughts. During that time, we agreed it was okay to see other people, if one so desired. He evidently so desired. He went back to his usual internet dating sites ... and contacted many women over the course of the month. I have no idea how much success he had ... but all my friend did was post a profile on that site with a fairly attractive picture and a few things mentioned that would grab his attention (i.e., hobbies, sports, etc.) .... and BAM .... he contacted her. They began a series of communications while we were apart (and that's NOT where I took issue at all) .... but it continued after he approached me about re-uniting and I agreed. When we reunited, he did tell her about this ... along with offering to stay in touch with her as a friend/dating coach/blah, blah. When she contacted him again just to be friendly and say hello .... he started requesting more pictures of her, asked that she call him, and asked her out to lunch, etc. She hesitated and inquired about the status with his girlfriend .... and he played coy and wouldn't tell her. This continued for another week or so ... and he did finally tell her that things were going okay with me. She confronted him about leading her on and asked him out for a chance to finally meet and have dinner .... and he accepted. He then lied to me about what he was going to do the night he had made the date for with her (I was going to be out of state that day, but I planned on returning later that evening. He even called me that day several times, encouraging me to 'stay out of town' that night, as he was sooooo worried about me driving home late .... humfff!). It was at that point that my friend sent me all of their correspondences (IM's and e-mails) ... and he was busted. Once again, my struggle, when I posted, involved that this indiscretion was a sting .... a set up .... a trap, of sorts .... and yes, my boyfriend's anger and rage about it can work a number on me and my thinking, i.e., was this 'wrong'? ... should I be more angry at my friend than my boyfriend and cut him out of my life? ... was the temptation just too good for him to pass up? ... did he only want to see if this person was 'real' that he had been communicating with and it was a totally innocent meeting, as he contends? Now .... you asked ... what have I done about it? Basically ... we are still limping along. Do I have much hope that this can be salvaged ... that trust can be rebuilt and we can progress in a healthy and nuturing way? No, I don't, but I am not ready to throw in the towel ... JUST YET. I'm sure that a lot of people in my position struggled too when faced with this (do I end it or work on it???), especially if they truly loved the person. I WANT this relationship to improve ... and I believe he does too. I am just not sure he's capable of it .... but that's what our counseling is for. We have attended one or two sessions ... and I'm not seeing a lot of self awareness or ownership for his part of this from him yet .... just a lot of anger towards my friend and a lot of denial about how significant this was for me and our trust level (he can't believe I'm still holding onto it, but we haven't had a chance to really deal with it yet .... get it out there with all its ugliness and figure out what this was about, why he was willing to risk losing me over someone he hadn't even met, and where we stand with all of that). Suffice it to say .... I'm still conflicted .... very conflicted .... but I am NOT unaware of the challenges I face with this person if I continue to move forward. Also, I have come to the conclusion that set up or no set up .... he should have been able to walk away from her once we reunited ... or he should have told me honestly that he had been communicating with someone and wanted to meet her for dinner just to see if she was real, thus allowing me to have my say in this kind of matter, rather than lying to me or deceiving me. Lastly .... again .... I would like to thank everyone that took the time to respond to my post ... it meant the world to me. I was feeling so alone in my thoughts and confusion ... and I am so glad I found a community such as this to vent.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 The issue is this .... my boyfriend is absolutely LIVID that he was 'set up' and only wants to concentrate on that part of the issue. He says that the sting operation was not 'real' .... therefore, it didn't happen and he was 'tricked' ... and he wants me to cut ties with this friend immediately. My boyfriend says that this was a major violation of privacy and trust .... and I am conflicted about this. You have got to be kidding??...HE cheats, betrays your trust, disrespects you...yet HE is mad because you set him up after the fact?? I'd say just dump this loser. His reaction to your "set up" is one of a cheater that is just pissed because now he cannot be sure if his future conquests are set ups or not. Tell him to shag ass and kick him to the curb. What you did was justified. I can see if your bf was a true blue guy that never cheated and passed the test of the set up, then found out....yes..then it would have been a breach of trust and I could see him getting mad. But he is, IN FACT, a CHEATER. Dump this loser.
MySugaree Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hell hath no fury like a cheater caught. Dump him; exit stage left. Unless you want a polyamorous relationship,or are simply masochistic, let this Player sulk and sow his "wild" oats without you. As for his defensiveness: tough noogies. Everyone knows that the best defense is a good offense. He's playing the victim. What a pathetic whiner:He even lacks the courage of his infidelities.
Guest Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I am the "guest" that wondered. Thank you for replying. I have a lot more to say but will reduce it to this. What is the punishment for CHEATING, yes I am calling it what it is and not using a euphemism. Or has the action become far less important than the defense of the action. You need not respond to the above. Again these are only a few things I am now wondering. Good Luck, it looks like you will need it long into the future with this person. He seems to have his technique fine tuned to lower your self esteem and sanity.
Guest Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I'm sorry ProudTabby. Your relationship is only 1 yr old and he's cheated already and then got caught with his hand in the cookie jar again???? And you want him back??? Why?? Be glad you found out now before you invested 20 yrs with this little boy. Why did he cheat the first time? Why did he try again? He's going to keep doing this because you keep putting up with it. Tell him to take a hike. You deserve better than this. He's not even man enough to own his behavior and is trying to shift the blame. Let him be livid all he wants. If he wants to be trusted then he needs to act trustworthy. Which he failed again at. Instead of worrying about him get yourself to a doctor and get tested for STD's. Figure out why you aren't placing any demands on him if you MIGHT want him back in the future. He's not going to change because he doesn't have too.
Trialbyfire Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I love the responses in this thread. I can't remember when I've seen so much good advice all in one thread. The boy gave you no respect and then was indignant about being caught. Please keep your friend because he's evidently the one who honestly cares about you. Don't let a cheater drag you down. Everyone deserves a person with integrity, not trailer trash.
Seen_It_All Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 LOL...this was NO set up. Your cheating boyfriend APPROACHED the fake profile. If it wasn't the fake one, it would have been someone else's - in fact, the fake profile was more than likely NOT the only one he's contacted. When a person shows you who they really are, BELIEVE them. He's shown you who he is. A LOSER.
amerikajin Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 My boyfriend says that this was a major violation of privacy and trust LOL! Some people really do have a lot of nerve.
amerikajin Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 Suffice it to say .... I'm still conflicted .... very conflicted .... but I am NOT unaware of the challenges I face with this person if I continue to move forward. Also, I have come to the conclusion that set up or no set up .... he should have been able to walk away from her once we reunited ... or he should have told me honestly that he had been communicating with someone and wanted to meet her for dinner just to see if she was real, thus allowing me to have my say in this kind of matter, rather than lying to me or deceiving me. You're only with this guy because you are compartmentalizing the things you liked about your relationship and trying to ignore the bad. You're living in fantasy land and you need to stop. It does not get any better between you two. The only thing you can do is to send a final message to him that he needs to clean up his act - on his own. He has to learn from this, and the only way he can is if you dump him for good. If you take him back he will always know as long as you two are together that he can play with you like a yo-yo. That's not only opening the door for cheating, but that's also how abusive relationships get started, and that's a road you don't want to go down. End it now. Dump his ass. Find someone better...or live with the consequences.
Recommended Posts