Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Separation: How many of your MM are in separation? Mine is, and we're dating but it seems the closer I get to him filing, the more I think he's going to go home. There's no real reason for this, it just seems to be on my mind a lot at the moment, like I want to "protect" myself (my heart) just in case he does a 180 one day and my heart is broken and I'm left there thinking "So Near yet So Far". Anyone else in this situation?
outofdarkness Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Being separated is NOT the same to being divorced. Most good divorce lawyers will tell their clients right away NOT to date during separation..Unless it is a LEGAL separation, and really good attorneys advise against this too...As far as him actually filing...I am quite sure that my H told all of his OWs that he was just about ready to file! It was not to be, as a matter of fact, I was the one to file, after he begged, pleaded and whined for months. I finally filed an order of reconciliation with the court after he agreed to work on the M on MY terms...and there were many terms. I suppose I'm trying to say not to necessarily believe what he's telling you..He lied to his W, why would he not lie to others?
Author Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Being separated is NOT the same to being divorced. Most good divorce lawyers will tell their clients right away NOT to date during separation..Unless it is a LEGAL separation, and really good attorneys advise against this too...As far as him actually filing...I am quite sure that my H told all of his OWs that he was just about ready to file! It was not to be, as a matter of fact, I was the one to file, after he begged, pleaded and whined for months. I finally filed an order of reconciliation with the court after he agreed to work on the M on MY terms...and there were many terms. I suppose I'm trying to say not to necessarily believe what he's telling you..He lied to his W, why would he not lie to others? Thanks OOD, you have a point. I do worry that I get to hear what he wants me to hear sometimes and that he's still making a "choice" between his M and me. I've told him many times that there is no choice, the M has to be dissolved because of the reasons it's not working but I doubt he thinks that. Can I ask, did your H still have contact with the OW during separation? If so, do you think he told her he was filing whilst trying to save his M with you?
Meredith63 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Obviously, OOD makes some good points, because we really can never know exactly what is going on in these situations. I was with my MM during his separation, it was pretty easy, no muss no fuss, no wavering, etc. But - I think that going through this kind of stuff can make even the most secure person a bit insecure. While I was with my MM, everyone kept saying "well, you know, they NEVER leave". Maybe you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak?
hardknocks Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 actually pretty normal human reaction. I hate giving speaches.. yet I have to do them from time to time for my job. generally a month out, I write them on my calendar and get prepared and it's no biggie. As the days draw closer I get more and more tensse. The night before I generally don't even sleep well. I'm generally quite flusterred the next day and keep thinking .. why the heck do I DO THIS?!?? I think seperation is quite different than being divorced. He is still in the ambivalence period and I don't think anybody could say for sure what is going to happen .. he may get cold feet. So, it's probably normal behavior but be careful he may change his mind or push the date off.
outofdarkness Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Thanks OOD, you have a point. I do worry that I get to hear what he wants me to hear sometimes and that he's still making a "choice" between his M and me. I've told him many times that there is no choice, the M has to be dissolved because of the reasons it's not working but I doubt he thinks that. Can I ask, did your H still have contact with the OW during separation? If so, do you think he told her he was filing whilst trying to save his M with you? All I know is what he told me, and that is that there was no contact during separation or really after D day. The few conversations that I had with her indicated that she was not seeing him but it was so obvious how much she missed and loved him. She even politely asked me while we were separated, what my intentions were. I was honest and told her that I didn't know at that point. He was waiting for me to decided and I was in NO hurry to let him know anything. I was very angry in the beginnning and wanted him to squirm. I was sickened by the way he spoke of his OW's especially the main one. He claimed that she meant nothing but a good head job to him...It was scary b/c I can't imagine treating someone this way. Now I realize that there were feelings involved, but he didn't want to hurt me. They were friends for quite awhile before anything physical happened. He claims that this was his time to "prime her" or woo her, and it was the thrill of the chase, but I tend to think that they just had a good time together and something clicked. This is going to happen to married people, but you have to have enough self restraint not to act on it. That is the trick and it's tough for alot of people. I do know for sure that he was just as dishonest with her as he was with me...He had told her all sorts of lies about myself and our children so that he could feel ok about their A, including telling her that I knew and was ok about it..you know, she said, living the good life and not wanting to give it up, so you turned your head! She quickly realized after talking with me that this was totaly untrue...All she had to do was get on the comp, do a few background checks regarding my family, etc., and she had her proof that he was the liar...I feel for all involved in A's because someone or everyone gets hurt and the pain is almost unbearable...It does fade with time and forgiveness is possible, but we NEVER forget...It's always there like a thorn stuck in your side...Every now and then, it stings and hurts., but if it stays in there long enough, the pain fades and you get used to it. Then, after a time, you decide you want to have it removed and you either move on or continue to focus on the pain that the stupid thing caused you for so long. Either way, you DO move on and the pain and agony do get better. PS...yep, I am always "on guard" and waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak..Just me though, don't know about the orig. poster
Author Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 OOD, your post brought a tear to my eye, it just shows how much everyone suffers in this situation, especially the BW. You sound like you dealt with your situation with so much dignity and self respect at a time when your H was trying to rob that from you. When I look back at my R's with single guys, I was always "on guard" anyway, for no real reason to be honest. The saddest thing is, I rarely get excited about something...anything...because when I do, it never comes through for me. I don't really know why I'm like that, I've always had a fear of disappointment (Note to self: Fear of disappointment and getting involved with a MM is not a good idea ) I look for reassurance from my MM a lot more these days, although I keep of my feelings to myself. I ask him about the future and he's full of reassurance about it, but I dont know, sometimes, I just get some instinct that everything is not as it seems. When I put myself in his shoes, I think about being married, I think about being scared to leave a life that you know you can never return to, and I understand his reluctance. He's looked to me for reassurance too, asking me whether we will definitely be together etc. I always never make any reassurance as I tell him that there are never any guarantees in anything, but if I had the slightest doubt about my love for him I would not be involved with him anyway, I couldn't do it. Meredith - - if I had a dime for every time someone said to me "They always go back" or "He'll never leave" I'd be in the Fortune 500! Your separation sounds (blissfully) straightforward. Did you also have doubts, fears, worries about whether it was going to happen? Are you still with married man? Hardknocks - thanks, it's nice to hear my reactions are human, I start to doubt this myself somedays!!
puddleofmud Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Best wishes to you JE: I truly hope this time things come through for you. I also hope your partner shares in your insecurities and is helping you as he should. OOD: thank you for your kindness and insight, your honesty. I respect your response and commend they way you have stated your feelings. Best wishes to you as well for a wonderful life!
NoIDidn't Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 JE I have nothing to add really, other than this. Look up abandonment and its effects on a person. It sounds like you have suffered some early life abandonments and disappointments from those you trusted and cared for you (based on the fact that you said you have felt the same way in other Rs with single guys). Or it could have been from a really important, formative first romantic relationship. Everyone suffers from abandonment to some degree. All of us fear betrayal of our feelings and hearts to some level. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Meredith63 Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 thankfully. My MM's separation and divorce was fairly quick and painless. I did have doubts though, mostly while he was still married and mostly from listening to other people. Everyone kept saying that no man wants to "give up his fill-in-the-blank here" and that they ALL say they will leave and "what makes you sooo special that a MM will leave to be with you?", "if he cheats WITH you...." blah blah blah. He never made me feel insecure, the situation and listening to other people did. Yes, we are still together, we married the month after his D was final... that was a good many years ago now. It is better than I ever could have hoped for....
frannie Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 He never made me feel insecure, the situation and listening to other people did. Yes, we are still together, we married the month after his D was final... that was a good many years ago now. It is better than I ever could have hoped for.... That is a definite down-side to coming on forums like this.
Author Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 thankfully. My MM's separation and divorce was fairly quick and painless. I did have doubts though, mostly while he was still married and mostly from listening to other people. Everyone kept saying that no man wants to "give up his fill-in-the-blank here" and that they ALL say they will leave and "what makes you sooo special that a MM will leave to be with you?", "if he cheats WITH you...." blah blah blah. He never made me feel insecure, the situation and listening to other people did. Yes, we are still together, we married the month after his D was final... that was a good many years ago now. It is better than I ever could have hoped for.... Meredith, it's so so nice to hear for once on these boards what sounds like a happy ending... NoIDidnt, I had a bit of an eye opener about abanonment. I'm the youngest of a very large family and always felt very loved...however...my parents had a terrible marriage, were constantly warring and used me as a go-between many times. I did some research into abandonment and apparently living in what is called an "unstable" environment can have this affect. It really did open my eyes, I always thought I was pretty confident. I'm never "clingy" but when I looked into it, I'm more scared of being "clingy" for fear of abandonment! Oh dear, I do have some work to do. Frannie - I totally agree - LS has made me bring up issues and insecurities about my MM that had never surfaced before. Although, on the flip side of that, it's also made me feel supported in a way, like I'm not alone. The update is, I sort of feel a little bit better, I guess I would be feeling this way if my man was married or not. I fight against my own feelings so much that it tires me out, so I'm trying to concentrate on a "what will be, will be" ethos. Nobody ever told me life could get so complicated and my poor little brain tires itsef out with the worry about things that may/may not happen, I guess I should just concentrate on what is happening now
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