"commitment phobic" girlfriend

[Guest]

I've been doing a lot of reading online and offline; through the course of that I found my way to this forum. Would appreciate you answering a question about my current situation. To frame the question, let me give you a limited history -

 

I can condense a year of what appears to be a CP Scenario with my girlfriend down to this -

 

Me - 31, male, post-grad level education, great income and all the stuff that goes with it, attractive and fit, know how to dress, many dating options, good friends, not so perfect relationship with family due to ideals, very understanding, faithful guy, have a life of my own, etc. - strong and independent man

 

Her - 25, female, grad level education, good income, new to the city when I met her, attractive, fun, etc. - strong and independent woman

 

I've included these stats to demonstrate that we are fairly aligned on most parts of requirements for a successful relationship - good age range, both educated, similar political views, both fit/attractive, good conversations about almost any topic (one of the big reasons I like her), money not an issue, both with very bright futures - I felt like she complimented me very well and offered the right level of differences and similarities to make for a very rewarding partnership. I've always been told what a great couple we make by outsiders. On the downside, we are both hard headed, educated and learn the hard way about things. Close friends are worried about the way she treats me.

 

After a year of push/pull dating and her cheating via a private myspace.com page with her ex, she moved away (allegedly for job reasons) telling me that I was still her boyfriend, but no plans were made or discussed as to how we might proceed with a long-distance relationship. She mentioned that if I had proposed she would have stayed. This surprised me.

 

So, several weeks later I told her that I couldn't handle the current situation of ambiguity and deceit, so I was out - resulting in a 7 hr phone conversation about how much she knew she was making a mistake and wanted to work on her and I.

 

I thought I finally had found that "commitment moment" we apparently all search for in this type of relationship. Her solution - me to move from Texas to Florida and live with her, us to work on relationship, get married and build a future. Hmmmm....I thought. I'd always thought about trying a new state as I've grown up in Texas and always lived there. I'd be leaving a great job, good friends, family, etc. all behind, but given the amount I travel and low cost of airfare, I thought why not try it - especially since I would be starting with a blank canvas for her and I in a new city.

 

Things went well via the telephone and we began to make plans. She did, however, want to keep some space and "work on her." She continually talked about her need for a 3 carat diamond ring, so I put a deposit down and began paying on what she wanted. I wasn't worried about making a large "one time" purchase even if it was a bit pricey. All the while though, she kept her private MySpace page, which I felt was inappropriate and also something for kids.

 

So, I spent Christmas with her and her family and subsequently flew her to Washington D.C. for NYE 2006. We had a great time and she stayed the week with me there, all the while talking about marriage, etc. Somewhere in the middle of all this though, she started picking me apart, worrying about how I dressed, my spending habits, telling me I'm probably texting other girls (Blackberry always goes off for work), etc. She also forbade me to go on a ski trip I had planned in Feb with friends, which I had already invited her to go on.

 

Near the end of the trip I got sick, was tired from work and she had been wearing me down with mixed emotions all week so we ended up in a fight. I told her if she continued to act this unreasonable she would never be happy and my moving in with her was in jeaprody should she contineu to be this unhappy with every detail of my life. This turned out to "hurt her deeply" and be unresolvable in her mind. I was labeled as abusive (again).

 

So, she left DC and has since been reluctant to talk with me or see me. I did fly out to Florida once to see her, but she almost didn't see me and said that we needed to just be friends. Then she had me spend the nigth with her. Since then she texts, calls or ignores. I've sent her some material in the mail, e-mails with information about "worrying" and other stuff, but then I found out all about the CP Relationship.

 

Now I have a good grasp on the situation, but I don't know what to do. My world is flipped upside down, as I don't make commitments lightly. I was on the verge of altering almost every aspect of my life to accomodate "us." Most info I read says end it. It seems she has already done that though. I've returned the diamond (never gave it to her, just told her about it) and she knows this. I was so hurt to go from - getting married and about to live together to not talking.

 

Now I'm curious if I should send her a book I read called "He's Scared, She's Scared" that talks about the dynamic in raw detail. She's a very smart girl, and I know she's torn apart by all of this. My assertiveness has simply overwelmed her, and I'm bakcing off. She has acknowledged she has problems she needs to work on.

 

Would that book be helpful in her acknowledging the situation and perhaps be a catalyst for change? No change means no moving forward - I'm not willing to play this game forever. I am willing to be patient, let the dust settle and do whatever it takes to fix this. Commitment issues aside, this is a really good pairing of two equals (so my mind tells me anyway).

 

I fear that not sending anything means nothing happens and we simply fall apart since she is 1100 miles away. I don't want her to repeat this again - with me or any other. I do think she has a real problem, as her father told me I'm not the first to suffer this.

 

Send book or don't send book?

[norajane]

I guess you'd be sending the book because you think it would help her somehow. Maybe to recognize her behaviors and try to change them?

 

Thing is, CP's often do recognize their behaviors, but don't want to change them. They don't want to want to commit, you know what I mean? They may not be perfectly happy on their own, but they are comfortable that way.

 

Those sites you read are correct - the only option is to end it, or be content with being on the sidelines.

 

You can send the book, but don't expect anything to come of it - except more mixed messages, perhaps. I fear that - at best - she might say she wants to change, but won't actually do it, thereby prolonging your situation.

 

Best to move on and find a woman who truly shares your hopes for a married life. You have a lot going for you - and I know there are a LOT of women who want marriage and are sincerely dating for that purpose. Why waste SO MUCH time on someone who really can't be "the one" for anyone. much less you?

[riobikini]

Forget about the CP -she's just not as mature or experienced with life -nor does she truly have the same goals- as you perceived.

 

-Rio

[Krytellan]

This isn't a scientific theory as much as a personal philosophy.

 

Sometimes in life, you just happen to run into people that are... umm... looney? It appears my friend that you may have been blessed with just that experience.

 

And trust me, education has nothing to do with it. My one time wife turned psychopathic dragon lady was very well educated.

[CaliGuy]

Sometimes they aren't CPs at all.

 

They just don't feel it with you. Hard to accept but I have been there. I dated someone I thought was a CP once. It wasn't that she was a CP, she just didn't feel the same about me.