ratingsguy Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I saw my MW on IM this morning and we started chatting. It started out light, then I started to tell her how I felt. I asked her outright if she knew we were never going to be together in the future and she said that she couldn't know for sure at this point. I told her that I know she doesn't want to hurt me (she's told me that), but I'm a grown man, and I'd rather be hurt now than drag this out. She finally said that she does need to let me go and not feel tied to anyone but her kids right now. She said that maybe in a year or so we will cross paths again. She couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't come back, but she said that she needs to move on for now... but she told me to treat this as if she will never come back. She said that she is a fool to let me go, wishes she could spend her life with me, but needs to let go. She again encouraged me to try and find someone else and that I deserved that. I asked her if we could meet one last time to say goodbye. She was somewhat hesitant, but said she would contact me and let me know when's good for her (next Tuesday probably). The thing is, she wants to still be friends and keep in touch occassionally. I don't know if that's good, or if I should go NC for a while... and for how long? And is seeing her one last time a bad idea? I think she needs to see how much I'm hurting over this. Needless to say, I'm crushed. I've seen this coming for a few weeks, so it doesn't hurt as much... but it's still pretty painful. I just don't know where to go from here. Thanks everyone for your support... it means a lot during this really sad and difficult time. The hurt is truly unbearable.
noforgiveness Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Don't meet her again please. Don't be her friend and give her emotional support. It will all be too painful. Go total no contact and put her behind you.
norajane Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I'm so sorry, RG. I know this is painful for you. I know some may say no contact is the best option, and I agree, but I do think you should see her one last time. You now know where you stand with her, but I think you also have a pent-up need to express exactly how you feel about what she's done to you and the way she's handled this. Make her face up to your feelings. You have a right to confront her with all that you've been posting about here. Sort out your thoughts, and express your anger (calmly) - and get it out of your system so you don't have all that roiling inside your brain. And then explain that because of the way she's treated you, you don't want to be her friend, you don't want to have any contact. Good luck to you.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I am sorry you're hurting - Just seems the timing is all wrong and that just must make it hurt more. Do what is easiest for you. If you can handle some contact, then do that, maybe seeing or talking to her once in a while is better than saying goodbye and having no contact. But, sometimes it's best just to do like a bandaid. Rip it off fast and suffer the pain NOW instead of bit by bit... She is being honest with you, but (and I said this on your other thread) it seems like you were her ticket and strength to leave her marriage...And now that she's out, she has no time for you. I don't believe she was or IS messing with you in a malcious way, but she is selfish and even though her intentions weren't meant to hurt you, obviously it did. Big time.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Aww RatingsGuy - Big Hugs I think you should go completely NC - after meeting her one last time. Say your goodbyes. Tell her how much she has meant to you, how much love you have felt for her. Keep it positive, really positive, even though the pain inside you is unbearable. You have to be strong to do this. Remind her about all of the times that you had together -briefly. Then tell her that you're so happy that the love she introduced you to has opened up your heart to experiencing a new love, and that's what you are going to look for in the future. Then get up, kiss her on the hand/head/somewhere not too emotional for you and walk away, and under no circumstances - DONT LOOK BACK. Leave her in second place and put yourself first for the first time in this relationship. Let her see that your life is yours and she is/was a part of it. Then NC begins. I know that's going to be painful but no longer are you her emotional support, don't give her the opportunity to hurt you again and again by feeling you are necessary in her life and then dropping you like a hot potato. Good luck, I'm feeling it for you. Be strong
cbl Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 sorry to hear that RG. and since she's a free woman now (almost), are you able to handle things between you two just like the way you handled the break-ups with your ex-gfs? best wishes.
MoonGirl Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 ratingsguy, I feel so bad for you. I'm sure there is nothing I can say to help you feel better. Just know that I'm thinking of you.
Meredith63 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 RG---- I am sorry this is happening to you. It really does sound like you were the "victim of an exit affair." Go out and find someone who is worthy of you....
stace79 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Seeing her one last time won't help you at all. Her seeing you upset will not change her mind. Trust me, I've been there. I've thought to myself "If he could just see me one more time, he'll remember why we were together in the first place." I've also thought "If he sees me cry, he'll change his mind." Nope. Neither thing happened. The only thing that happened was I had a headache and swollen eyes again from being so upset. Also, you must go no contact for awhile. Block her on IM, delete her numbers from your phone, delete the email addy from your address book, whatever you have to do. Then, call a good friend to talk. Start making plans to do things you enjoy doing. Give yourself things to look forward to outside of the relationship arena over the next weeks/month. Something that helped me was writing down the things I expect in a good, healthy relationship. She was not giving you what you need. The person who is right for you will. She isn't right for you. Going cold turkey is best. I promise. You cannot be friends with someone you are in love with. Maybe in the months (more likely years) to come, you will move on and not be in love with her anymore, and then perhaps you could be friends. But I wouldn't count on it. Besides, the dumper who wants to stay friends is really just taking advantage of you. They don't want to lose you for good, even though they can't or won't give you what YOU need. Don't settle. You can make friends with a ton of people. You love her. You cannot be her friend. Be strong...we all deserve to be someone's one and only. I saw my MW on IM this morning and we started chatting. It started out light, then I started to tell her how I felt. I asked her outright if she knew we were never going to be together in the future and she said that she couldn't know for sure at this point. I told her that I know she doesn't want to hurt me (she's told me that), but I'm a grown man, and I'd rather be hurt now than drag this out. She finally said that she does need to let me go and not feel tied to anyone but her kids right now. She said that maybe in a year or so we will cross paths again. She couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't come back, but she said that she needs to move on for now... but she told me to treat this as if she will never come back. She said that she is a fool to let me go, wishes she could spend her life with me, but needs to let go. She again encouraged me to try and find someone else and that I deserved that. I asked her if we could meet one last time to say goodbye. She was somewhat hesitant, but said she would contact me and let me know when's good for her (next Tuesday probably). The thing is, she wants to still be friends and keep in touch occassionally. I don't know if that's good, or if I should go NC for a while... and for how long? And is seeing her one last time a bad idea? I think she needs to see how much I'm hurting over this. Needless to say, I'm crushed. I've seen this coming for a few weeks, so it doesn't hurt as much... but it's still pretty painful. I just don't know where to go from here. Thanks everyone for your support... it means a lot during this really sad and difficult time. The hurt is truly unbearable.
addicted2love Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I'm so sorry, RG. I know this is painful for you. I know some may say no contact is the best option, and I agree, but I do think you should see her one last time. You now know where you stand with her, but I think you also have a pent-up need to express exactly how you feel about what she's done to you and the way she's handled this. Make her face up to your feelings. You have a right to confront her with all that you've been posting about here. Sort out your thoughts, and express your anger (calmly) - and get it out of your system so you don't have all that roiling inside your brain. And then explain that because of the way she's treated you, you don't want to be her friend, you don't want to have any contact. Good luck to you. I agree w/ NJ...she needs to know what she's done.
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 All breakups suck.. Sorry you are going thru one RG...
JamesM Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Since I have mixed feelings about meetig her again, I will go with what Norajane said. I trust her opinion. I am sorry that you are going through this. And it sure hurts having your hopes dashed. Who knows? She may come around and want to be with you again, but I would not count on it. Take the opportunity and seek out someone who will appreciate you for who you are..not what you can do for them...and who doesn't have baggage such as a husband. Having been through breakups, I can totally understand your pain. I hope that this closed door will be followed by an open door which will lead to happiness.
norajane Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Wow James - thank you... I'm no smarter than anyone else, though, so I'm just giving an opinion on what I would do. I know how upset and angry I'd be under the circumstances, and I know I wouldn't be able to let it go until I'd had my say. That's the only reason I think he ought to confront her. The unsaid stuff drives me crazy and prolongs the healing...
Author ratingsguy Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I can't tell you what it means to me... you are all really great people. I'm going to see her one last time, but before then I need to plan out in my mind what I'm going to say. My goal isn't to win her back... I'm beyond that. If she comes back at some point, she comes back... but I'm not going to concern myself with that right now. I do want her to know what I'm feeling. She already knows, but it's more powerful to tell her these things in person... and will be more satisfying for me. In my last relationship, where I was the dumpee, it took me about 5 months to fully get over a 1 year relationship... I suppose that could be a good barometer of what to expect. This time around with my MW, we didn't grow really close until about 3 months ago. So using the past as an example, I should be over this in a month or so... hopefully. I am going to ask for NC, but tell her at the same time that it's not reflective of the feelings I have for her. She hurt me and I need to stay away for now, but I still love her very much. That being said, I do need time to myself to get over the hurt. If she wants to contact me, that's fine... but don't be surprised if I don't contact her back. If she comes back to me down the road then it's meant to be, but in the meantime, I need to move on. It's better for me. I like the quick kiss or hug and then walking away... without looking back. I'll probably use that approach when leaving. I'm still working on the blueprints of what I will say. I'm usually better at writing out my thoughts as opposed to speaking them, but I'm sure it will go fine. I'll let you all know how it goes.
frannie Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Ratingsguy I'm so sorry... I really hope this last meeting goes well, but I know there's a good future out there for you once you can put this into your past. Best wishes.
Guest Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Ratings Guy I really do feel for you, but I question your reasons for meeting her one last time. I think she has hurt you pretty deeply (and everyone can identify with that) but, it seems to me that you want to meet up so that you can end the R and take some control back, when in fact she has already determined that the R is over. I think her wanting to be Friends is because she does feel bad and is trying to soften the blow. If she cared for you very deeply she would not suggest it because she must realise how impossibly painful it is to be in that position. What are you going to talk about when you meet up as friends? Her latest romance and how it is going? No, that will be far too hurtful for you. I know that I wouldn't want to hear about the new life of someone I loved when they had made it clear that they did not love me (enough). It is painful and will stop you moving on. Like I said, I do question your motives for meeting up with her and I think you will find that incredibly painful too. It will change nothing. She has ended it and you may think it will help you to have the last word, but you may come across as rather needy and desperate. If you do not want to be her friend then just text her and that will give you the closure and NCc that you want. Nno one likes being rejected but you have been, and I think after meeting her again, you will feel a lot worse than you do now. However, I am not you but just saying it as I think. You will be opening up a huge raw wound which might just be starting to heal. Relationships can be hurtful whether they involve married or single people. Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Author ratingsguy Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Well, the date has been set. We're going to see each other one last time on Saturday. Thanks everyone for your advice. What I plan to do is hand her a letter and have her read it. I'm much better articulating my thoughts on paper, so that's why I'm doing it that way. It's going to highlight the positives and negatives, but most importantly ask for NC and tell her that we can't be friends for a while. The only reason she can contact me is if something catastrophic happens in her life or if she wants to get back together again. Otherwise, I can't hear from her because I also need to pull away. After she reads it, I'm sure we'll talk about it. Then I will say goodbye. No hugs or kisses, just a goodbye and good luck and maybe we'll cross paths again in the future. Part of the reason for wanting to do this in person is because my MW is a conflict avoider. All of her pulling away and asking for time to herself and time to date has never been done in person... only over e-mail. I'm of the opinion that these things need to be done in person. She's always smiling and acting happy, even in the face of adversity... and I'm sure when she opens the door on Saturday, that won't be any different. I don't want to cause her discomfort, but I think that it's important for her to see the reality of my situation... and for me to see her reaction to it. I hate the word "closure" with a passion, but I can't think of any other way to describe it. It will hurt very badly to see her. I've been doing fine lately, and I know emotionally this will be a step back, but I need to do it. Then I can move on for good. I'm almost certain that she will hold her end of the NC, especially since she's the one who pulled away in the first place. Maybe I'm wrong, and if I am it will be very difficult to not respond. But I will do my best. I can take some solice in the fact that anyone who has just separated has no clue what he or she wants... and that's no different here. So maybe down the road she will come back to me... and if not, I'm sure by that point I will have moved on anyway.
PoshPrincess Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 I can take some solice in the fact that anyone who has just separated has no clue what he or she wants... and that's no different here. So maybe down the road she will come back to me... and if not, I'm sure by that point I will have moved on anyway. This is a very good point. She probably needs time to sort out her own life before involving you (although a little late for that, I know). Ratings Guy, I just want to say that I think meeting her one last time is the right thing to do, if it gives you closure, although after that you must definitely go NC, otherwise you are just going to prolong the pain and delay the recovery period. You need to give yourself time to get over this and if you have any contact the hurt will just continue. Take it from someone who made that mistake herself! Your MW has acted the same as my MM did in that she has kind of left things open-ended in a way. He told me the same, that we may get together in the future but to treat it like it's the end and move on, etc. This made things much harder for me to accept as it gave me (and still does sometimes, I hate to say) that little glimmer of hope that one day he would come knocking on my door telling me that he wanted to be with me. Who knows? Maybe it will. Thing is, I am not sure now I could ever trust him anyway. Things dragged on far too long for that. We are now completely NC after months and months of the odd phone call here and there (we stopped 'seeing' each other in May and finally decided to properly call it quits in October). I saw him for the last time at Christmas (the first time I had seen him in a couple of months and only with other friends around) and it was so hard I realised that I couldn't go on like it anymore. It has now been two weeks with total NC and it's the best thing I could have done. I have been in a new R (with a SG!) since November and I really want it to work. I don't need the occasional reminder of MM disturbing me. I now know that I have to move on and be with someone who wants me exclusively. This is what we all deserve! Best of luck with the meeting. Be strong!
serial muse Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Ratingsguy, I really do feel for you; I've never been an OW, but what you're going through right now is such a universal feeling: being on the wrong end of a breakup. And I've been there. That said, I'm speaking to you from my heart. I do think you should reconsider what you're planning to write in your letter – specifically, the parts about what might happen in the future. I know you want to leave that open, I know you want to hope, I know you want to look at the situation with some philosophy and you believe you can gain strength from stepping back and thinking ‘que sera, sera.’ But you will gain far more strength – I guarantee it – if you allow yourself to make the decision. Don’t offer her the opportunity to call you, or give her the option to choose anymore how much she’ll be a part of your life. I know you care a great deal about her, and – you must trust in this – she knows it, too. She is well aware, already, of how you feel and what you hope will happen. I know you want to be the bigger person, the emotionally generous person, the mature person here. But that doesn’t mean you need to hand her the keys if she wants to re-open the door. You don’t have to tell her she can contact you if there’s a catastrophe in her life. Please allow yourself to see the painful truth: if she wants to do any of those things, she’ll do them anyway, regardless of anything you have to say. As generous as it feels to spell it out and make the offer, all that offering her that opening is going to do is keep that painful expectancy alive, in YOUR mind. It’s counterintuitive, perhaps, but maintaining hope can be incredibly self-destructive sometimes, because it perpetuates a pattern you’ve now fallen into - of focusing your energy on, and responding to, someone else’s moods, and someone else’s needs, rather than your own. What poshprincess said about leaving things open-ended, and therefore providing a glimmer of hope, is all too true. Although it’s painful as hell to actually sit yourself down and say to yourself, “she doesn’t really want me, and therefore, I’m deciding that I’m done now” – that is what needs to happen. NC is a great start, but telling her she’s allowed to contact you if she changes her mind will mean that you’re still tied to her emotionally, even if you’re not outright talking. You’ll be wondering when, and if, she will come back. You need to let go of that hope, and, for your own sake, not hand her the opportunity to change her mind. Just make up your own mind to let her go, for good. You've already arranged to see her one last time, and that's fine. But I'm just advising you to be firm that you're shutting the door - that when you say you want to go NC and not be friends, you mean, do NOT contact me. Under ANY circumstances. Her needs are no longer your concern, and that is just how it has to be. That is not cruelty, and it's not immature. It's merely prioritizing yourself over her - and as hard as that must be after all this time of putting her first (and you have been), now is the right time to do it. If it helps to tell her that, then do so - but most importantly, you need to tell yourself that. That means not taking on the burden of protecting her feelings, or reassuring her you'll be there if she needs you, or anything along those lines. She'll be fine - she's had the luxury of making her choices, and has done so. So it's your turn - it's okay to prioritize yourself now. I hope you'll give yourself permission to do that.
Art_Critic Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 NC is a great start, but telling her she’s allowed to contact you if she changes her mind will mean that you’re still tied to her emotionally, I agree with SM.. Cutting that cord can change your healing.. I think when we say things like "I'll always love you" or " You can change your mind anytime you want to and I'll be here for you" that we are trying lessen the pain and hold onto something that in reality is no longer there. RG..When the break happens.. make it real.. make it a real break or you will drag on the hurt..
Author ratingsguy Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 RG..When the break happens.. make it real.. make it a real break or you will drag on the hurt.. I appreciate the advice guys. I actually went through something similar a couple of years ago... (albeit not with a MW), but I again was the dumpee. I left the door open to her, but she never came back, and I did get over her several months later. We're now friends and I have no romantic interest in her whatsoever. I think it's ok to say the door's open since I feel it, but by the same token I'm not planning on holding my breath either.
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