Who knows about your A?

[MustBeLove]

To all the OW/OM-

 

Who all knows about your A?

 

I'm asking this because no one knows about me and my MM. Some people at work think that we may be having an A, but then others think that is the last thing we would be doing. So everyone at our work is not sure what to think. It has worked out pretty well that way.

[outofdarkness]

i'm willing to bet that more people then you think, know of the A...

[sadbuttrue]

only my two closest friends know for sure about my R with MM. there are many others who are suspicious, but they do not know anything for sure. we live in a small town and it is hard to be together without somebody finding out. so far his W still does not know anything, although he has said that she has become suspicious about some things.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Lol, I always thought that only my Best Friend knew about our A. Turns out my boss, all of our colleagues, some friends, friends of friends, aquaintances, the neighbours and eventually his wife knew about us.

 

We were spotted in loads of different places, walking, cuddling, etc. Its amazing who you dont notice staring at you when you're gazing into the person you loves eyes! And it's amazing how soon gossip travels fast - never underestimate who knows. Even those who DONT know sometimes suspect and make it up anyway.

 

And I dont even live in a small town!

[BenThereDunThat]

i'm willing to bet that more people then you think, know of the A...

 

I second this. Not only do more people know than you think, even people it wouldn't even DAWN on you to even think are aware of such goings' on, are aware. (did that sentence make sense? I had the damndest time trying to word it...)

 

People in an A have this strange ability to think they're invisible.

 

You're not.

 

People see. People know. People talk over drinks after work. Even the executives who you might think are above such drivel, kick off their shoes after-hours and giggle over you and what you think people can't see.

[yousaveme]

In the beginning probably only those you told. But the more the relationship goes on the more people will know or figure out.

 

If one knows. There is one more behind that one. And so on and so.

[casoria99]

In the beginning probably only those you told. But the more the relationship goes on the more people will know or figure out.

 

If one knows. There is one more behind that one. And so on and so.

 

 

Noone knows of the affair for sure. People can think and talk. But until they see you kiss or are in your bedroom, then they don't know anything. It is up to you and your partner to divulge information.

 

It's like innocent until proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are guilty.

 

I am not condoning but it amazes me how people just give themselves away particularly if they want or require privacy!

[Jinxx]

MM and I have been very discreet. Nobody knows other than my best friend and she doesn't even live in the same city as us and has met him only once.

[Babybird]

After reading the previous posts now I am really wondering who knows. Most of my friends know and only a couple of his.

 

Everybody at work suspects....no one can confirm.

 

A couple of people know that shouldn't. I'm still surprised his wife hasn't found out from them.

 

Although I think she suspects...all of the sudden she is colder than normal. She has stopped going out(like to the bowling alley and the bar) and says she's saving her money for a rainy day. Hmmmm???

[outofdarkness]

Noone knows of the affair for sure. People can think and talk. But until they see you kiss or are in your bedroom, then they don't know anything. It is up to you and your partner to divulge information.

 

It's like innocent until proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are guilty.

 

I am not condoning but it amazes me how people just give themselves away particularly if they want or require privacy!

people talk though, whether you want to believe it or not. You don't have to be caught in the bedroom for people to know you're seeing someone else. You can be seen coming and going at very odd hours, you can be seen out at an obscure bar thinking noone you know is there when someone who knows your sister is there...You can go to work with a goofy grin on your face due to the fantastic sex and love over the weekend and when someone asks and you say oh nothin in particular, they KNOW...Believe me, they KNOW...It just happens

[Sup]

I've seen something like this at work, and EVERYONE was/is talking about it. Both the people are married, not to each other. Once, the lady said hi to me in a very perplexing way, you know, like in a giggle, but, not quite a giggle, and it was long and drawn out Ex: Hii Tiiimmm. They always hang around each other, but NEVER any proof. I posted about it in the Infidelity forum, go ahead and check it out sometime. Any thoughts?

[hardknocks]

i seem to be the odd one here..

I really didn't tell anybody - but she confided in a lot of people! At the time I figured it was because she wanted help leaving her abusive H - but I'm not sure. I told my therapist of course!

 

other than that..

her mother and father (she told)

all her friends (about 6) (she told)

and her H

 

but on my side now after 5 wks of NC - there is nobody for me to talk to about it. Being the OW/OM - one of the hardest parts in not being able to talk openly about it because of the shame and embarrassment.

[JamesM]

I am not an OW or OM, but I think I can give some insights regarding who knows.

 

In my last job, it was important to know who might be having relations with who...coworkers dating can cause problems. Almost twenty years ago...before I was married, I became involved with two different co workers. And I learned firsthand what the pattern usually is. I was amazed at how often it proved true for others.

 

When two people first become interested in each other, they suddenly want to spend time together. They find opportunities to be near each other. They are seen together at breaks. If you observe them, you see looks exchanged. There has been no declaration verbally yet to each other, but they both feel the attraction. Then one of them "breaks the ice" and asks the other out for lunch. First it is one lunch, then another, and then it is every day. Finally during one of those lunches. intimacy is reached and an evening together is planned. They begin dating. If it is an affair, it is done secretly, but it is done. Lunches are still together.

 

Then comes the stage where you know for sure that they are together as a couple. Most likely sexual relations have occurred. They suddenly AVOID looking at each other. Those special looks are avoided. They appear awkward when seen together in public...they are not sure how to act "normal." They may even avoid each other at breaks and lunches. Their purpose is to keep the secret. But for the astute observer, they have given themselves away.

 

I always told supervisors to watch who was going out to lunch together. Keep an eye on them to see if they begin progressing through the stages. If they keep going to lunch with no additional looks, etc., they are probably friends with nothing more. Of course, I had to watch supervisors the same way. This was the most dangerous kind of relationship. I needed to step in as soon as I noticed it...hopefully, to keep it out of the workplace.

 

I have observed this time and time again. So, yes, your observant coworkers probably kow more than they are letting on.

 

It reminds me of Boston Legal of two weeks ago. Allen walks up to Denise and says, "You smell like you have had sex. It smells like...maybe Brad." Now life is not usually so obvious, but clues are always there. For those of us who are looking for them, it is obvious.

 

Has anyone else noticed such obvious stages?

[outofdarkness]

I am not an OW or OM, but I think I can give some insights regarding who knows.

 

In my last job, it was important to know who might be having relations with who...coworkers dating can cause problems. Almost twenty years ago...before I was married, I became involved with two different co workers. And I learned firsthand what the pattern usually is. I was amazed at how often it proved true for others.

 

When two people first become interested in each other, they suddenly want to spend time together. They find opportunities to be near each other. They are seen together at breaks. If you observe them, you see looks exchanged. There has been no declaration verbally yet to each other, but they both feel the attraction. Then one of them "breaks the ice" and asks the other out for lunch. First it is one lunch, then another, and then it is every day. Finally during one of those lunches. intimacy is reached and an evening together is planned. They begin dating. If it is an affair, it is done secretly, but it is done. Lunches are still together.

 

Then comes the stage where you know for sure that they are together as a couple. Most likely sexual relations have occurred. They suddenly AVOID looking at each other. Those special looks are avoided. They appear awkward when seen together in public...they are not sure how to act "normal." They may even avoid each other at breaks and lunches. Their purpose is to keep the secret. But for the astute observer, they have given themselves away.

 

I always told supervisors to watch who was going out to lunch together. Keep an eye on them to see if they begin progressing through the stages. If they keep going to lunch with no additional looks, etc., they are probably friends with nothing more. Of course, I had to watch supervisors the same way. This was the most dangerous kind of relationship. I needed to step in as soon as I noticed it...hopefully, to keep it out of the workplace.

 

I have observed this time and time again. So, yes, your observant coworkers probably kow more than they are letting on.

 

It reminds me of Boston Legal of two weeks ago. Allen walks up to Denise and says, "You smell like you have had sex. It smells like...maybe Brad." Now life is not usually so obvious, but clues are always there. For those of us who are looking for them, it is obvious.

 

Has anyone else noticed such obvious stages?

are you my H??? You sound so much like him! Only difference is that he really knew how to talk the talk, but he was doing exactly what he was watch FOR! He is a high level exec, and you would not believe the stories I heard prior to D day...Now, I know that HE was one of the very people he was telling me about. Your are SO right on the money regarding lunches. My was BIG on lunches, and he did not seem to care who saw him..He will still insist to this day that noone thought a thing about him lunching with his OW's in popular restaurants in plain view. He still insists that noone saw him coming in and out of his main OW's condo every other day for 10 years early in the morning. Oh the amount of denial that goes on in these A's..Recently, we were at lunch at a popular spot near his office and ran into a former collegue..He was with a very attractive woman, but she proceeded with the hostess to their out of the way booth and sat to wait while he came to our table to chat. I watched them the entire time, and either they had hearing problems, or something was going on. Every time I glanced over there, they were noticably uncomfortable and fidgety..He is married with a 2 year old...I have told My H soooo many times that it is NEVER appropriate for a superior to take a subordinate to lunch or dinner alone...It is just too risky as far as harrassment claims...Who's to say what went on?? It's your word agains her's..Also, the lunches DO quickly go into dinner then drinks, then..well everyone knows how the story goes..

 

My H is a huge fan of Boston Legal too, is this a guy thing. I find the show sort of stupid...

[Rooster_DAR]

I am not an OW or OM, but I think I can give some insights regarding who knows.

 

In my last job, it was important to know who might be having relations with who...coworkers dating can cause problems. Almost twenty years ago...before I was married, I became involved with two different co workers. And I learned firsthand what the pattern usually is. I was amazed at how often it proved true for others.

 

When two people first become interested in each other, they suddenly want to spend time together. They find opportunities to be near each other. They are seen together at breaks. If you observe them, you see looks exchanged. There has been no declaration verbally yet to each other, but they both feel the attraction. Then one of them "breaks the ice" and asks the other out for lunch. First it is one lunch, then another, and then it is every day. Finally during one of those lunches. intimacy is reached and an evening together is planned. They begin dating. If it is an affair, it is done secretly, but it is done. Lunches are still together.

 

Then comes the stage where you know for sure that they are together as a couple. Most likely sexual relations have occurred. They suddenly AVOID looking at each other. Those special looks are avoided. They appear awkward when seen together in public...they are not sure how to act "normal." They may even avoid each other at breaks and lunches. Their purpose is to keep the secret. But for the astute observer, they have given themselves away.

 

I always told supervisors to watch who was going out to lunch together. Keep an eye on them to see if they begin progressing through the stages. If they keep going to lunch with no additional looks, etc., they are probably friends with nothing more. Of course, I had to watch supervisors the same way. This was the most dangerous kind of relationship. I needed to step in as soon as I noticed it...hopefully, to keep it out of the workplace.

 

I have observed this time and time again. So, yes, your observant coworkers probably kow more than they are letting on.

 

It reminds me of Boston Legal of two weeks ago. Allen walks up to Denise and says, "You smell like you have had sex. It smells like...maybe Brad." Now life is not usually so obvious, but clues are always there. For those of us who are looking for them, it is obvious.

 

Has anyone else noticed such obvious stages?

 

I agree with this 100%, I've been around long enough to know people can just see it because they are outside of the box. When your inside of the box, no matter how careful you are your emotions and content with the O/P will always be revealing.

 

Cheers!

[pureinheart]

Everyone knows...the W can sense differences in her H, and those around you can feel it....

 

It's just like anything....you can't really hide much, the signs are evident...

[RecordProducer]

It's usually everyone except the wife. You guys are foolish for thinking "only my two best friends" know. If one person knows, it's not a secret anymore. If YOU couldn't keep your own secret, why do you think THEY can keep your secret?

 

They also have two best friends who know about the affair. One of them may have told her mother, her mother told her two best friends and they have told everyone. And before you know, the whole town knows, only his wife is still in denial cuz nobody has the guts to tell HER. Then it's not fun anymore, it becomes sad.

 

Besides, men brag about their affairs to their best friends. I've heard men's stories about whom they screwed all the time and these people were not my friends at all. Their girlfriends and wives were clueless.

[outofdarkness]

It's usually everyone except the wife. You guys are foolish for thinking "only my two best friends" know. If one person knows, it's not a secret anymore. If YOU couldn't keep your own secret, why do you think THEY can keep your secret?

 

They also have two best friends who know about the affair. One of them may have told her mother, her mother told her two best friends and they have told everyone. And before you know, the whole town knows, only his wife is still in denial cuz nobody has the guts to tell HER. Then it's not fun anymore, it becomes sad.

 

Besides, men brag about their affairs to their best friends. I've heard men's stories about whom they screwed all the time and these people were not my friends at all. Their girlfriends and wives were clueless.

so true...the bragging, the two best friends telling their families and friends...Everyone loves drama, and you're right noone has the guts to tell the W if for no other reason then just because everyone DOES enjoy drama...and gossip.

[frannie]

My MM lives in one city, works in another, and I live in yet another place.

 

There are no people in his life who know us both, so while people may know or have guessed that he's having an affair, they almost certainly have never seen us together. He's told one of his best friends and that person (and his W) know MM's W. There's a possibility that MM's friend has told his own W or other people, but if so he'll be playing with fire, since the friend himself has told MM about his own affair. So, I doubt that.

 

In his workplace, there are probably many people who either know or suspect he's having an affair. He works at my home a lot of the time, and makes no secret of being at 'a friend's house' when he's talking on the phone. I imagine his boss knows, for certain. And people are right: everyone talks about this in the workplace, even amongst themselves. I know about his boss's father's affair for crying out loud; and his boss (female) kept that one a secret from her own mother for decades (til her father had a heart attack with his OW and her mother found out... what a mess that was). I know about lots of affairs by hearsay.

 

In my life, I've told three or 4 of my best friends, and they've both met MM and socialised with him. MM comes to stay here with me and I live with my best friend (who's also an ex). I've also told quite a few other friends, but they don't know MM and have never met him, some don't know his name. One of the friends (my next door neighbour), his brother in law was cheating on his sister and I knew about it... the thing is, that no-one tells those closest to the affair... it's gossip for everyone else, but doesn't get passed on to the spouse or their close relatives.

 

There is a chance we've been seen out. We used to spend a lot of time in one city where some close relatives of his wife live. And his aunt and uncle live in my town... but he hasn't seen them for 20 years. There's still a chance that we may be seen or may have been seen while out eating or walking.

 

Whether or not his W knows or guesses..? She knows he's not happy in the relationship because he's tried to talk to her about it a few times. And there are probably clues there if she wants to look for them.

 

On the whole, however, I don't think there's a huge chance of this coming out, but it's always a possibility, and the longer it continues the more likely that is.

[addicted2love]

My very close friends know and a couple of close female family members.

All of these people have been through thick and thin with me when my H had his A's.

 

As far as the wife knowing...from a BS stand point....when my H was "doing his thing" we weren't even in the same state! We were on opposite sides of the country! (he was in the military). My daughter was barely a year old and I guess he thought I was too busy to notice! For most women intuition is a very strong thing. My gut told me that the way my H was acting was suspicious. I didn't have to dig too deep to confirm my suspisions. His prickish attitude toward me prompted me to investigate his cell phone. It's amazing how it hits you like a ton of bricks when your gut instinct is dead on. And oh yeah, he denied it and I pretended to buy into his lies. He got careless again shortly after and I nailed him!

 

I've tried very hard to not act any differently toward my H. Learning from all of his tell tale signs has made me much more careful than he ever thought he was. However if and when he finds out...I will tell him the truth. I won't deny it like he did. I don't look forward to that day. If you feel the ground shaking it won't be an earth quake it will be A2L's D day.

Yikes!

[PoshPrincess]

I told quite a few close friends about my A with exMM and even my family knew eventually when I was in such a state I couldn't function. He told one friend after a few months and then told one of his sisters which felt good for me as it confirmed at the time that his feelings for me were genuine. He confided in her as he had no one else to talk to about it.

 

Many people were suspicious of our 'friendship' but obviously they didn't know for certain. I guess if you do find yourself in this sort of sitch then the less people that know, the better. I am not talking about it from a 'getting found out' perspective but putting myself in the BS shoes I couldn't imagine how hurtful it would be knowing that so many other people knew and didn't tell. I think that would feel like the worse betrayal ever!

[MoonGirl]

Everyone knows except H's parents. H doesn't know who OM is. Well, he knows him, but doesn't know he is my OM. He can't figure out who it is, which I think is strange. H has several intimate friends right now and has had some in the past (which he recently admitted to -yuck!), so he doesn't have the right to say anything to me.

So, yeah, everyone knows including my parents, OM's parents, all of our friends and extended family. Everyone. I was expecting to get a lot of heat for it as was OM, but since everyone hates my H, they have been very supportive of us. OMs mom invites me and my kids for sleepovers and playtime even. I'm sure some people still think it's wrong, but they don't say anything. I haven't told anyone I work with and I doubt they know since they really know very little about my personal life anyway.

[vanilla chai]

I would have thought that everyone would know about the great love between the ow and mm.

 

Come on lets shout it from the roof tops, why keep this great love a secret.

[JamesM]

are you a plant?

 

No, but I love gardening. Sorry, but that hit me funny.

 

Feel free to read my threads about my marriage. I joined here almost a year before you. Having dealt with a sexless marriage, I have alot of understanding for people who conduct affairs. I do not judge. I know if the right person had come along, I would be asking the questions and being where many here are at. An affair would have been a solution to my problems.

 

Why do I ask questions? Mainly because I like to learn why people do what they do. I think if you and I sat down for coffee, I could ask questions and simply enjoy hearing your story. That is how I am. When my wife and I dated the first time, we never left the restaurant for four hours. I just sat and listened and asked questions. This is one of the reason she still loves me today...I am her best friend and person she can confide in. (Not bragging...she just said it last week again).

 

I am sorry if you are suspicious of me. And I certainly do not want to offend. Oh, and feel free to PM to answer more questions.

[outofdarkness]

No, but I love gardening. Sorry, but that hit me funny.

 

Feel free to read my threads about my marriage. I joined here almost a year before you. Having dealt with a sexless marriage, I have alot of understanding for people who conduct affairs. I do not judge. I know if the right person had come along, I would be asking the questions and being where many here are at. An affair would have been a solution to my problems.

 

Why do I ask questions? Mainly because I like to learn why people do what they do. I think if you and I sat down for coffee, I could ask questions and simply enjoy hearing your story. That is how I am. When my wife and I dated the first time, we never left the restaurant for four hours. I just sat and listened and asked questions. This is one of the reason she still loves me today...I am her best friend and person she can confide in. (Not bragging...she just said it last week again).

 

I am sorry if you are suspicious of me. And I certainly do not want to offend. Oh, and feel free to PM to answer more questions.

ok...I might pm you some time...I like staying on the threads so that I can get alot of different opinions..

PS...I love gardening too, but you know that's not what I meant..lol