Hey BSs, Over Here

[NoIDidn't]

This one is for us. An OW wanted to ask this question of us. No offense to the OW (I think it was ericka or addicted), this is not a personal attack on you or an attempt to make you feel foolish. I just would like the oppotunity to answer the question honestly the way I see it.

 

The questions were:

1. "What would you do if you found out your H was actually in love with the OW?"

2. "Would you still want to be married to someone who's heart wasn't totaly yours?"

 

Here are my answers:

1. The same thing as if he told me that she was just a piece, KWIM. My vows didn't state "til loss of love or love in someone else do we part".

 

2. This one is tricky as the OP has no way of truly knowing that the MPs heart is only with them as well. But, this is how I feel about it. Unless the MM was a virgin when he M'd his W, he has been in love before and so there may be several others in his heart and the W accepted and appreciated that about him. That he could love so deeply and yet walk away if that was for the best.

 

Love seems to justify everything in the OPs minds. When you have been M'd for more than 5 years, you tend to see love through a different lense with your M having gone through the infatuation stage to something much more stable and reliable than the heady feeling of being in love. As long as the OP sees things this way, they will never understand what makes a W take a man back that supposedly is in love with someone else.

 

Anyone else care to take a stab?

[outofdarkness]

question #1 has haunted me since d day. I think it's possible to have feelings/love for more then one person, but that doesn't mean I condone acting of those feelings w/ OP if married. I think my H had feelings, mabey even love for his OW's but I also know he loves me...We have a long history together, share two children and and intertwined in alot of ways, some not healthy I might add. Question #2 falls along the same lines...If he told me that he didn't love me anymore and was only in love with his OW, then I would ask him to leave, if he had not already left me. My H said he wanted to stay in the M and go to MC and IC...He never mentioned leaving me for the OW's. It also depends on the situation..All A's are unique..Some are addictive, some are real soul mate love A's, and some are just plain selfish...FYI, there are REALLY some of us out here who were virgins when we married. I met my H when we were in high school, continued to date during college and grad school and married right after. I have never been with anyone else...Now HE is a different story. I have no way of knowing whether or not he cheated on me before we married, although he denies it..I don't necessarily believe him due to the fact that he lied to me for 10 years. I'm just saying that believe it or not, we do exist...A dying breed, I might add, but some of us are still around. I tell our daughter just not to do it before marriage, because now days, it can be a death sentance...Just my opinion...

[PollyPocket]

So you are saying "TIL DEATH DO US PART" is what will end the marriage?

Not me. I'm out.

[NoIDidn't]

OOD,

 

I know of quite a few couples that were virgins when they got M. So I know that you guys aren't a dying breed. You're actually making a comeback.

 

Which would be a good thing if it wasn't for the fact that just about all of the H's in these Ms have cheated out of curiousity.

[Ripples]

Just to agree with everything you say NID.

 

I think the crucial thing is the 'different lens' and not only did I know that we had something far deeper and far more valuable than he'd had with any of the other women, but he did too.

[NoIDidn't]

So you are saying "TIL DEATH DO US PART" is what will end the marriage?

Not me. I'm out.

 

No, I am not saying that. Two questions were asked and I gave my answers. Some will decide that they can't stay if their spouse loves someone else in a romantic way. It is not my job to bow out just because someone else wants my spot, if I am not ready or willing to give it up.

 

If my H was still seeing OW actively in my face, as yours was, yes, I too would leave. But not because he loved someone else, but because he was so da*mn disrespectful towards me. Because he was a coward who pushed me to do his dirty work, so he could save face and continue thinking he was a good guy (just another fool in love).

 

Loving someone else can be forgiven and overcome, if it is stopped and the M refocused on to get those feelings back into it. Repeated disrespect and trampling of my feelings will never be tolerated, by me anyway.

 

Hope you are doing better Polly. Have you decided to file now? Is that what you are saying?

[Ladyjane14]

This one is for us. it.

 

The questions were:

1. "What would you do if you found out your H was actually in love with the OW?"

2. "Would you still want to be married to someone who's heart wasn't totaly yours?"

 

Here are my answers:

 

1. I would divorce him with extreme prejudice on account of him having WASTED so many years of my life. Then I'd use every legal means at my disposal to f*ck up the OW's situation beyond repair. (I'm not one to hold an OW unaccountable for her choices.)

 

2. Nope.

 

If that sounds harsh... well, at least it's honest.

 

 

p.s. Just goes to show, you never know if you're dealing with a lion or a lamb when you're messing with someone else's life.

[NoIDidn't]

Hey LJ

 

That's all we really ask for isn't it. Honesty. Honestly, you know?

 

Thanks for sharing that. I never would've thought you to be the kick 'em to the curb type. LOL!!

[Ladyjane14]

Hey LJ

 

That's all we really ask for isn't it. Honesty. Honestly, you know?

 

Thanks for sharing that. I never would've thought you to be the kick 'em to the curb type. LOL!!

 

You know, I spend alot of my posting time trying to help people get what they want rather than what I think they should want. But yeah... a PA is a kick to the curb in my personal book.

 

My husband and I have pretty much ALWAYS had a "No Tolerance" policy on cheating. In actuality, I think that's the only thing that stopped him from 'going all the way'. And even though he'll deny it, I still believe he came within two weeks of doing something irrevokable.

[NoIDidn't]

My husband and I have pretty much ALWAYS had a "No Tolerance" policy on cheating. In actuality, I think that's the only thing that stopped him from 'going all the way'. And even though he'll deny it, I still believe he came within two weeks of doing something irrevokable.

 

I feel the same. I found out before they had the chance to consummate things. But I don't think he would have done it as he was too afraid. He KNOWS how I feel about cheating men, considering what my father's cheating has done to my view of him (and even his view of my father, and he didn't want to become that in my eyes).

 

But my H won't deny it. When it seemed to be heading in that direction, he seemed to want it to end and couldn't find a way to do it without looking like a fool for telling her that he loved her. He didn't want to take it that far. She didn't seem to want to take it that far either.

 

I can't say that I would've taken my H to the cleaners in a D, though. I thought about it, but ultimately I just would've wanted what I was entitled to since he was going to become a weekend father in the event of a D. Maybe I would have. Who knows?

[serial muse]

To me, the answers to 1. and 2. are the same - I did end up kicking him to the curb. But it wasn't because he loved her.

 

I cannot honestly say whether I would have forgiven him, had he been thoroughly contrite and begged me to take him back - because he didn't do that. He went to MC with me, and after reading this site for a while I've come to realize that I do think it's possible that, had I been willing to ride it out and be patient, he would have chosen to stay in the marriage. But I ended it before that could have happened, and I admit, I think I made the right choice.

 

Although he said he now loved her, it later came out that she wasn't the first person he strayed with (the first one didn't go very far, though, as far as I know). He didn't fall into an affair with a close friend, and wasn't overcome by his feelings. It just wasn't about her. Basically, as he made it clear during our MC sessions, he strayed as a way to lash out at me.

 

So I think it's possible he might have wanted to stay. But the honest truth is, after we'd been in MC for a little while and all of what he had done began to sink in - even though I didn't really get the sense he thought of her as The One or was deeply in love, but was basically just mad at me - I found that my feelings for him had fundamentally changed. He had turned out to be a very different person than the one I thought I was with (for seven years), and I just didn't love this new guy.

 

If I had waited around long enough for him to work through the anger, I don't know what would have happened. It would have been gratifying to have him acknowledge directly how deeply he had hurt me, and to apologize for it. But, as harsh as it sounds, I didn't really want to wait anymore. It might have made it harder, but I doubt it would have changed my ultimate decision, which was that my opinion of him was shattered, and I just didn't want to be with him anymore.

[noforgiveness]

I think the meat of this answer is that the married man actually has to admit to his wife that he is in love with the ow.

 

I do not hear many married men doing that. They are cowards and deny and deny.

 

If my husband was in love with someone else I would help him pack his bags or throw his crap out the window. Whatever is faster. i would never stay with a man who is in love with someone else.

 

You think your mm loves you then let him prove it. Tell him to tell his WIFE he is in love with you.

 

 

Polly I am very surprised by your answer. Aren't just in your marriage for your kids? Don't you suspect your husband is in love with the ow?

[outofdarkness]

OOD,

 

I know of quite a few couples that were virgins when they got M. So I know that you guys aren't a dying breed. You're actually making a comeback.

 

Which would be a good thing if it wasn't for the fact that just about all of the H's in these Ms have cheated out of curiousity.

yep, I agree, I know my H cheated after we married, and most likely before too, and yes, initially it was most likely out of curiosity...that doesn't make it right in my book...We are all curious about alot of things. For instance, I've been curious to know what it would be like to have a boob job, but that doesn't mean I just get in the car, drive to the Plastic surgeon's office and have them done...There are other things to consider...

[addicted2love]

...I was the one who asked the questions. Thank you ladies for answering honestly and with great class and dignity. I too have been a BS. I have always felt that if my H had been in love with the OW that would have been a deal breaker. Also I believe that men are cowards when it comes to being asked the direct question by the W..."do you love her". Not many people..men or women are cruel enough to answer "yes" straight away. It make take a while for true feelings to surface if that is the case.

 

I know for me personaly my H had no remorse until D day. He was an absolute pr*ck until I caught him. It was classic...I was on the computer with the OW posing as him and I had him on the phone and he could hear the bling bling of the instant messenger...I told him you'd better tell me the truth because I'm about to get it out of her... she thinks I'm talking to you right now! Man did he stutter!

 

My entire view of marriage has changed since that happend. I too was the one who believed whole heartedly in the vows I took. I believed in till death do us part. But now I feel like that particular vow really should state...until your ready to kill him! ha ha!

 

I know two wrongs don't make a right. I know every situation is different as I believe mine is. I also said I would NEVER stay with a man who cheated on me. Well ladies not only did I stay but I later found out it wasn't just one OW there were two for sure and a possible third but I can't prove that one. So here I am 7 years later walking in my H's shoes.

I also never thought I would/could be unfaithful. But as they say what's good for the goose...

 

To answer my own questions....

1.) No I wouldn't want my H if he was in love w/ OW

2.) Yes I would kick him to the curb

 

Now here I am...in love w/ OM/MM and know full well that it isn't fair to my H, that my heart is not completely his. Some days I feel like I should kick myself to the curb...and I believe eventually that will happen. Do I love him. Yep. There is history, a child, and all of the things that go along with being married for 13 years. My issue is I've been in love with my MM/OM for 17 years.

This wasn't some stranger I just met and decided to have a fling with. In fact 99% of the relationship is emotional. Always has been. We were just too young and stupid to do the right thing when we were single and should have made that commitment to each other.

 

Now here we are in a giant mess where we don't want to hurt anyone.

But we long to be together and always have. Even after 13 years of NC.

The situation sucks for everyone involved. I don't want to hurt his W any more than I want to hurt my H. It's a crappy possition to be in. Especially since I know first hand how it feels.

[mopar crazy]

 

The questions were:

1. "What would you do if you found out your H was actually in love with the OW?"

2. "Would you still want to be married to someone who's heart wasn't totaly yours?"

 

 

Well, the xOW's own H brought me love poems that H wrote for the xOW. They were all printed up. He did sign one that said "I love you" though. I was hurting like he!! b4 I read the poems but when I read those I thought I was going to die! Actually reading what he said to her hurt so bad I didn't think I would survive. All the poems he wrote to her were from his heart, or at least I thought they were. My H has always liked to write poetry but from looking at him ya think he would be the last one to write poems. My H left me for the OW so taking him back wasn't an option at the time. He was moving on w/ his life w/ her and I was moving on w/ my life. However he denied ever writing the poems or even being involved w/ her.

 

After a few months of getting the poems and moving back to my hometown my H called and admitted to the A and the poems. He said he couldn't lie to me any longer and wanted to work on the M. The first thing I thought of was what he said in those poems. At first I wasn't going to take him back knowing his heart was w/ the OW. It took several weeks of talking to H via phone for several hours a night to make rethink about the M. W/ a lot of prayers and a lot of help from my mom I decided to give our M one last chance not knowing what the future could hold for us.

 

I went to IC and showed my counselor the poems. I asked him how I could take my H back after he wrote those things to her and said he loved her. He asked me if I ever thought I was in love but deep down I wasn't. He actually had a valid point there. I honestly believe that if he really loved the xOW he would of stayed w/ her. If I thought he had any love for her I don't think I would of taken him back to work on the M. Knowing his heart wasn't completely mine would of made the M impossible to work on.

[EnigmaXOXO]

1. "What would you do if you found out your H was actually in love with the OW?"

 

Scratch my head in total bewilderment … wondering 'why then' was he still clinging so tightly to my apron strings. (???)

 

I'd also have wonder what "perks" was he extorting from our relationship that he wasn't getting over there. Obviously, I must have something of value to him if he would go through all the trouble of swindling me to get it.

 

It just sounds "nuts" to me … which is why I'll never be able to wrap my little brain around the whole concept no matter how many times I see and read all the horror stories.

 

Shoot. If its "true love", than why wouldn't you just go and BE with them??

 

2. "Would you still want to be married to someone who's heart wasn't totaly yours?"

 

Heck no. What for?

 

I wouldn't even be in a committed relationship (married or not) with anyone only willing to meet me half way. It just sounds so foolish to settle for a "mock up" relationship (someone polite enough to pretend they love you) as opposed to the real thing.

 

Nope. It's ALL or nothin'. I'm stingy like that!

[lover's rock]

As far as question 1: I knew my H had feelings for his OW but he never told me he loved her even though he told her he loved her. He was completely contradictive in what he said to both of us. He told me that he thought in the beginning that it was love but he realized afterwhile that it wasn't true and they could never work. And he told me he realized this early in their affair but he continued it anyway. Like serial muse, my H's affair had alot to do with his anger with me. I chose to ride it out even though when I found messages that he sent her about how much he loved her, I told him to leave. I even gave him an amicable option because I wanted him to be happy if she made him happy. He downright refused to leave. I've angrily asked him to leave almost packing his bags for him and I've politely and sweetly asked him to go and be happy with her. I even told him that I would never keep him from the kids and we could settle our divorce as friends. He never left. My theory was as Enigma said...if you love her so much, go BE with her.

 

Question 2: Like I said above, he wouldn't leave. And he went through great lengths, such as limiting his time with her and meeting all my demands, in order to keep peace in this home. The situation did change the kind of person that he was so I couldn't truly say that my heart was completely his either so if I'm feeling the same way he is, what would my kicking him out matter? We ended up deciding that we couldn't imagine our lives without each other in it. No matter the hellish nightmare we were in, we decided to stop packing his bags (lol) and stick it out. He made it seem like "we" would weather the storm and that "they" would eventually fade away.

 

And his OW? We talked about her and understood why she held on so tightly to him. We decided to let her have a little bit of joy no matter how short-lived it may be. Weird, huh?

[addicted2love]

And his OW? We talked about her and understood why she held on so tightly to him. We decided to let her have a little bit of joy no matter how short-lived it may be. Weird, huh?

 

LR...I don't understand this.

[stillafool]

The questions were:

1. "What would you do if you found out your H was actually in love with the OW?"

2. "Would you still want to be married to someone who's heart wasn't totaly yours?"

 

1. If my h told me he was in love with the OW I would start divorce proceedings asap. What else could I do. I'm not going to try to hold on to someone who doesn't want me anymore.

 

2. No I would not want to be married to someone who didn't love me anymore.

[My Fair Katie]

The questions were:

1. "What would you do if you found out your H was actually in love with the OW?"

2. "Would you still want to be married to someone who's heart wasn't totaly yours?"

 

Ohhh, I want to answer but I'm not a BS (just a regular spouse thus far--knock wood). But I think this thread is uber-interesting and I'm one of those nosey girls that has to be included in *everything* sorry!

 

So my answers:

 

1. That would be up to My Fair Husband. If he wanted to work on OUR marriage, and our love, then I would want to as well. BUT, I'm not going to hold him in a marriage he no longer wants to be in. If he feels the love he has for the OW is deeper than the love and committment we've made to eachother, stronger than the life we've created together, then he would be free to go.

 

2. Hmm. Why not, the OW is in a relationship with someone whose heart isn't totally theirs and they seem okay with it. But in all honesty, it still depends on My Fair Husband. If he wants to rededicate himself to our marriage after an affair then I would want to try as well. If he didn't then I hope he would at least have enough respect for me to put the kabosh on the affair until after we divide our assets and make a legal and clean break. Also I'd sue the b!stard for alimony, dog support, and whatever else I can shake out of his philandering wallet. And I get the car.

[PoshPrincess]

Also I believe that men are cowards when it comes to being asked the direct question by the W..."do you love her". Not many people..men or women are cruel enough to answer "yes" straight away. It make take a while for true feelings to surface if that is the case.

 

Addicted, yours was a very good post - very honest and from the heart. With regards to your above comment, I agree. There are lots of reasons (IMO) why the H may not admit to W that he loves the OW. One may be what you say above in that he doesn't want to be any crueller to W than he already has been, doesn't want to cause her any more pain, even if he IS going to leave. I suppose they want to soften the blow to some extent, although I certainly agree that some just don't have the guts. I was a OW and I definitely believe that was the case with my exMM. I DO believe he loved me (yes, maybe I am gullible!) but not enough to be with me obviously. Why would he bother telling his W how he really felt about me? He must have thought she would be more inclined to kick him out, and I agree as she asked me whether we had had sex (we hadn't) and I think that made a difference to her decision - and good for her! As far as she was concerned it was a brief (it wasn't) and meaningless (not as far as I know) fling and I am glad of that as she has slowly been able to put the past behind her and move on with their M.

 

Personally, I think I would be a lot less inclined to be able to stay with a man who said he loved another woman, although saying that I also think that if they can say it was a meaningless fling I would maybe think "What? And you risked our marriage for it?" I guess unless you're in the position (as you BSs are) then you are never going to know. The reason I have never married is because I really don't believe in 'til death do us part'. That's not to say it doesn't work for some people. Believe it or not, despite being an OW and having cheated once myself I DO believe in monogamy. Sorry if this sounds contradictory but what I am trying to say is that I don't believe in one partner for life. As I said, I know it works for some people, but I think we change so much throughout our lives that we aren't the same people in our 40s, 50s, whatever that we were in our 20s. It takes a very special person to go the duration as far as marriage is concerned and I fully admire anyone who can do it.

 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I am not trying to belittle the sanctity of marriage (yeah, before you say it, I guess I did that when I had a R with someone else's husband!) I am just giving you my input. I wish more than anything that I was the sort of person who could 'settle down' with one person, not get restless and just love them for the rest of my life. I know the last 10 years would've been a hell of a lot easier if I was!

[frannie]

The reason I have never married is because I really don't believe in 'til death do us part'. That's not to say it doesn't work for some people. Believe it or not, despite being an OW and having cheated once myself I DO believe in monogamy. Sorry if this sounds contradictory but what I am trying to say is that I don't believe in one partner for life. As I said, I know it works for some people, but I think we change so much throughout our lives that we aren't the same people in our 40s, 50s, whatever that we were in our 20s. It takes a very special person to go the duration as far as marriage is concerned and I fully admire anyone who can do it.

 

That is the reason I've never married either. I've never found someone I thought that I could commit to and be happy with and have a good relationship with forever... how could anyone know that? And if it's not a good relationship, I don't want to be in it, either for him OR for me. Or anyone else, with the exception (perhaps) of children.

 

I cannot see why being able to stick with one person through thick and thin, and long after any love has left is something to be universally applauded. Personally. What is the point?

 

As you say however, I'd love to have a relationship that worked, for life, with one person. But if it's not working, no matter how much you try, as far as I'm concerned it's just fine to walk away.

[lover's rock]

My situation is a peculiar one at best. Most OW would leave their MM if they found out he had conceived with his W or if he moved out and went back to his W or if he told you he would never leave or even if the H told the W where you live and where you work so she could find you. Most of the OW on here are either the same age as their MM or younger. And if all of the above occurred, most OW wouldn't still be trying to conceive a child with said MM either.

 

That's all the details about my situation that I am comfortable giving but if you are inquisitive feel free to PM me. There are two sides to this coin but it's the same coin either way.