Baileykeg Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Ok everyone. You've heard me ask about it, say I'm going to try it, sort of try it but now the time has come for me to get serious about it. I've taken the first step and I have written a letter to my MM telling him that despite the fact that he loves me, wants to be with me, wants to marry me, wants to have children with me that none of that matters until he is divorced. I am no longer willing to date him in his current situation. I'm overnighting the letter to him so he will get it tomorrow morning. I've struggled and agonized over this decision as most of you know for more than a year. I've tried to do things his way and "give him more time" or "wait until x happens". It never changes. Each time we reach a deadline he has some excuse as to why he can't file for divorce. This last go-round that we had he told me that he would have things resolved BEFORE the end of January. Well guess what.....he didn't. I've casually mentioned it the last week or so here and there and he just ignores the subject. That was the last straw for me. He is perfectly content to continue our relationship as it is and for him to do nothing about filing for divorce. That is no longer acceptable. I cannot continue to sacrafice my self esteem any more. So, I'm taking the first step. Writing the letter and sending it. He is not expecting this at all as he thinks everything is fine. I feel guilty for pulling the rug out from under him like this but at this point I don't know what else to do. He's been talking all week about how excited he is to see me this coming weekend. I just change the subject because it is too painful. I love him so much. I want all the things that we've talked about but he has to get divorced in order for them to happen. I've struggled with making sure that I am doing NC for the "right" reason here. Yes, I'd be lying if I said part of it wasn't because I want him to wake up and realize that he's going to lose me. I want him to file and come back to me. On the flip side, I also know that if he never plans to file for divorce then I (and my son) are better off knowing now versus finding out two years from now. Either way, although it will be terribly painful, I know I am doing the right thing. I will be visiting here a lot and I need all of your support.
stillhere Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 You are doing the right thing BK, and know that we are here for you. Maybe this will be the push he needs to take the next step and keep his promises to you. If it isn't, then you won't waste anymore of your time on a man who lied to you.
Kamille Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 drawn to your post because I'm in denial about the need to go nc with an ex of mine. Anyways good luck and let us know how it goes!
Author Baileykeg Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Thanks. I've had my head in the sand about this for a very long time. I kept hoping that "one day" he'd surprise me with the news of "guess what I've filed for divorce" but it never happened. I'll never understand how he can want to plan a life with me but refuse to let go of the past first. Our situation is long and complicated as you all have seen from my previous posts. I kept thinking it would get better and I wouldn't have to endure the pain of NC but I was wrong. This is my only option.
frannie Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I've casually mentioned it the last week or so here and there and he just ignores the subject. That was the last straw for me... He's been talking all week about how excited he is to see me this coming weekend. I just change the subject because it is too painful... What keeps leaping out at me about your posts is that you're both not talking about the situation... he ignores the subject, you change the subject. Why not have a real, hard conversation about it? Have you called him on the 'end of January' thing and if not why not..? Just wondering, that's all. Because if I was going to go NC forever on someone I'd have wanted to have a few tough conversations first... just so that I know I did everything I could first. It sounds to me like you're both drifting and scared to say what's on your minds. Anyway, that was just what struck me, I'm sure you've been over this ground a million times with him if you're anything like me...
Author Baileykeg Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 No, sorry if I wasn't clear. Yes, we've had hours of conversations about why he can't seem to file for divorce. He gives me flimsy excuses and when I press him about them he ends up saying "I just don't know why". He says he loves me and wants to be with me. Everything he does shows me that (except for the fact that he hasn't filed for divorce). If you look at my other posts you'll see that we've tried every possible avenue to deal with this issue in our relationship. We've tried giving each other space, taking a break, not talking, setting a firm deadline, all of it. Each time we end up back together with the thought that somehow we'll make it through and that eventually he will resolve this. That has been my mistake all along in allowing him to continue with our relationship yet continue to ignore and not deal with the divorce. This is how we got to where we are today and why I cannot continue the cycle anymore. I can honestly say that I have tried every possible thing and have made every possible sacrafice and effort to give our relationship a chance. I love him more than anything but if he won't take the next step then we can't go forward.
frannie Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I can honestly say that I have tried every possible thing and have made every possible sacrafice and effort to give our relationship a chance. I love him more than anything but if he won't take the next step then we can't go forward. Thanks for clarifying, and yes it seems that you really do have no other option than ending it and going NC. Best of luck.
MoonGirl Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 BK, You're doing the right thing. We're all here to support you! If your MM really wants what he says he wants with you, he will finally file for divorce.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I feel guilty for pulling the rug out from under him like this but at this point I don't know what else to do. Do NOT feel guilty! This MM of yours has led you to believe that you two WILL end up together. He promised you things that he shouldn't have, considering he has a wife. That was so wrong of him. You have say now and the control back! Good for you!! If he loves you enough to want to divorce his wife, change his life and make all the necessary arrangements he WILL do just that. If he doesn't, accept that he DOES love you, just not enough to change his whole life and start over again. But, that also means you moving on and letting go. Hang in there, be strong and DO NOT CAVE into NO NC. He might pull all sorts of tricks into trying to get you to cave...
Author Baileykeg Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Thanks. I have to admit that I am a little scared about what happens next. I've never taken a drastic, out of the blue approach with him and I don't know how he will react. I want to remain strong and maintain NC until something changes. I'm afraid that if I hear from him that I'll want to talk to him and I'm afraid that if I DON'T hear from him that I'll want to talk to him. Either way, I'm afraid of what is next.
MoonGirl Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 BK, If he calls, DON'T answer. If he emails, DON'T read it and definitely DON'T respond. If he shows up at your house, DON'T answer the door. This will be difficult for you, but it is GREAT for him. It will make him see what his life is like without you and will scare him into thinking that he's going to loose you if he doesn't act on filing for divorce. If you cave, then you show him that you are willing to give him what he wants even though he's not willing to give you what you want. You already know all of this. Just be strong!
Author Baileykeg Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 So I figured I'd give it one more shot before I mail my letter to MM. I emailed him and asked if anything had changed about him filing divorce papers. The response I got was "No, I haven't filed them and I do not know when I'm going to". Well there you have it. Doesn't get much more clear cut for me to go NC now. It really pisses me off that our relationship has come down to this. Very sad.
casoria99 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 What keeps leaping out at me about your posts is that you're both not talking about the situation... he ignores the subject, you change the subject. Why not have a real, hard conversation about it? Have you called him on the 'end of January' thing and if not why not..? Just wondering, that's all. Because if I was going to go NC forever on someone I'd have wanted to have a few tough conversations first... just so that I know I did everything I could first. It sounds to me like you're both drifting and scared to say what's on your minds. Anyway, that was just what struck me, I'm sure you've been over this ground a million times with him if you're anything like me... What keeps leaping out at me about your posts is that you're both not talking about the situation... he ignores the subject, you change the subject. Why not have a real, hard conversation about it? Have you called him on the 'end of January' thing and if not why not..? Just wondering, that's all. Because if I was going to go NC forever on someone I'd have wanted to have a few tough conversations first... just so that I know I did everything I could first. It sounds to me like you're both drifting and scared to say what's on your minds. Anyway, that was just what struck me, I'm sure you've been over this ground a million times with him if you're anything like me... I don't know about the so-called real hard conversation. These men or women who are married and cheating are liars. And yes, they might have a seemingly REAL conversation about the OW or OM and you will base your reality of the relationship on what they tell you. But as soon as the BS finds out, all of those REAL conversations are FAKE and the rug will be swooped out from underneath you. As an OW coming out of my relationship, I have to be honest with you. NC seems like a game where you are still hopeful that something good will come out of it for YOU! You are using NC as a way to get his attention and make him wake up. The only time NC works is when you have to realize that it is over. In a sense, you have to pull the rug out from underneath you, too, and not just him. IT'S HARD! Believe me! My exMM and I had a real tough conversation in November and he acted so "perfect" in our situation until the W found out and everything we talked about didn't matter. In fact I had seen him on a Friday at 6 p.m. and by 9 p.m. I get an email from him telling me it's over. You need to wake up and understand that they love you so long as it keeps them married. And they are not going to leave but will string you along until they are found out. Not good.
Author Baileykeg Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 I appreciate what you are saying but I think my situation is a tiny bit different that most. My MM has been separated the entire time that we have been together. The W knows about me. They have talked about divorce and agreed that it's probably the best thing to do. My problem with my MM is that given all of that, given the fact that we have spent a year together, given the fact that he's told me he wants a future and a family, etc. he still won't file for divorce. I've have the hard conversations and I'm just not willing to accept the flimsy excuses anymore. That is what NC is for me. Yes, I want him to come back because I believe in him and all the things that he has told me he wants for us. I know he loves me but he needs to be a big boy now and take care of the paperwork for us to continue.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Baileykeg, I can so see me posting the same post as you in a few months. We're on 4 months separation now. His W wanted to post but now she doesn't - unsure whether MM talked her out of it but have no evidence or reason to know for sure, could be my paranoia. Anyway, so sorry for your situation, hopefully he will have a few days to think about it and realise what he's missing. X
Guest Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I appreciate what you are saying but I think my situation is a tiny bit different that most. My MM has been separated the entire time that we have been together. The W knows about me. They have talked about divorce and agreed that it's probably the best thing to do. My problem with my MM is that given all of that, given the fact that we have spent a year together, given the fact that he's told me he wants a future and a family, etc. he still won't file for divorce. I've have the hard conversations and I'm just not willing to accept the flimsy excuses anymore. That is what NC is for me. Yes, I want him to come back because I believe in him and all the things that he has told me he wants for us. I know he loves me but he needs to be a big boy now and take care of the paperwork for us to continue. Also BaileyKeg, you do not want to be a rebound. He probably needs some time alone don't you think? And some real time to SEPARATE and CUT AS MANY TIES from the wife as possible.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Ok, I mailed the letter. Let the NC begin. Please keep the support coming. I'm angry with him right now that I've had to go to NC but I know in time that I will get weak and want to talk to him. I hope I'm wrong.
frannie Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 So I figured I'd give it one more shot before I mail my letter to MM. I emailed him and asked if anything had changed about him filing divorce papers. The response I got was "No, I haven't filed them and I do not know when I'm going to". Well there you have it. Doesn't get much more clear cut for me to go NC now. It really pisses me off that our relationship has come down to this. Very sad. You're right... he's given you exactly what you need now to end it with him and go NC. I was NC all last summer and it's the hope and worry that you've not said enough or done enough that can ruin it for you. But he's been really clear here... missed another deadline and told you very coldly where he's coming from. It's making me feel angry to read it! How can he do all that playing happy families and looking forward to the weekend when he must know what this is doing to you..? grrrrr.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Did you mail the letter to an address where W can't get it and accidently open it?
Author Baileykeg Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Yes, not that it would matter where I sent it because they don't live together anymore. I sent it to him by FedEx to his office so I will know that he got it. He's not very good about checking the mail every day at his apartment so I wouldn't know when he got it there. He called last night but I didn't take his call. He'll find out today why. The reality of this is settling in and becoming more painful for me now. I just want him to file the papers and come back to me so we can continue our relationship. My fear now that I've second guessed absolutely everything is that he won't come back to me.
ratingsguy Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Well if he doesn't come back, you're probably better off anyway... as much as it probably hurts to hear that. You've given him plenty of time, and have had the heart to heart talks and nothing has changed. NC is going to hurt a lot at first, but it does get better over time. I've done it once before in my life, so I can tell you that things do get better. I'm about to start another NC in a few days, so I know what to expect. Good luck to you! Stay strong!
MoonGirl Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 BK, Stay strong. NC is SO hard. But there are some positive outcomes of NC! Me and OW have been in NC for 2 weeks during which I have signed a lease and have packed up my things. From the time I started thinking about moving out (this is pre-OM) it has been 2 years and since OM and I have been hanging out it has been about 5 months. The fear of loosing someone you love can have a huge impact on your actions. If your MM doesn't act now, he's not worth your time.
PoshPrincess Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Bailey, I am SO with you, as you know. You really have done the right thing. I am keeping my fingers and everything else crossed for you that this gives him the big kick up the a*** that he needs. Just be prepared for the bonmbardment of phone calls/emails/texts or whatever. That's exactly what I got! I am confident that this man loves you and is stringing you along, but he does seem v weak. I just hope you get the outcome you deserve. Please keep us posted on everything! x
Author Baileykeg Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Part of me wishes that I would get bombarded with phone calls, emails, etc. In some selfish way it would tell me that he was missing me and would give me a feeling of control. Is that terrible?? He sent me a text message late last night that said "I'm sorry I disappoint you. I love you." I have no idea what he means by that. I guess he figures because I didn't return his call last night that I'm pissed off at him. He should have received my letter by now if he went to work today. We're having bad weather so I'm not sure if he went in to the office. Guess worst case he'll get it tomorrow. One of my best friends (a guy) has moved in temporarily with my MM. I spoke with my friend this morning and he said that my MM hadn't gotten out of bed by the time he left for work. I doubt with the weather that he went in. I hate this. It's worse today because I'm stuck at home due to snow. I wish I could fast forward through the pain.
PoshPrincess Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Part of me wishes that I would get bombarded with phone calls, emails, etc. In some selfish way it would tell me that he was missing me and would give me a feeling of control. Is that terrible?? That's normal, well in my experience, anyway. That was exactly how I felt. It's weird but although I wanted him to leave me alone so I could get on with my life, it gave me a strange sense of power to know that he couldn't. It was when he stopped trying to contact me that it was hard, but was certainly the best thing for me. I used to love getting his messages begging me to speak to him, etc. Even though I hated hearing the hurt in his voice I suppose I wanted him to feel as bad as I did. I wanted to shock him into leaving.
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