God, give me the strength!

[Tormented]

I sit here and stare at the screen - so many emotions going through me right now, yet I don't even know where to begin.

 

My ex called last night. We talked so long my phone died. This is the most emotional talk we've had since the breakup over 5 months ago. And we both ended up in tears.

 

He said he has no excuse for what he did, and that there is nothing he can do to make it up to me. He said that even after all of this time, a day doesn't pass that he doesn't think of me. He said that when he moved his ex in, within a week he knew he made a horrible mistake. He said the first time they were together, he thought he loved her. Said that this time around he knew he didn't. In his words..."it just wasn't there."

 

He said he knew he felt nothing for her because he was still in love with me. He said she threw my name up at him constantly, that she knew he was still in love with me, in which he admitted to her he was.

 

He said he couldn't take it anymore and told her he was "done." He told her going back with her was a mistake, and wanted her to move out. Apparently, she refused to do so, so he packed her himself as she physically attacked him.

 

He said he's been alone since, hasn't even dated. Said he loves me and knows he'll never find another like me. He told me he misses me horribly and would do anything I asked to "fix" this.

 

I told him it's too late, that I could never forgive what he did, nor trust him. He said that he thinks, in time, that I could. He said he'll do whatever it takes to make it work, to regain my trust.

 

I broke down and told him I had to go, and then hung up the phone. I cried hard as I layed in bed...harder than I have since the breakup.

 

He called again tonight and asked me if I thought about our conversation last night. I told him I did, that I thought about all day today. He said he couldn't think of anything else. He called his close friend today and talked to him about our conversation last night, and about his feelings for me. The friend told him to come clean with me, to tell me exactly how he feels, and that if he loves me that much, to put his feelings into action.

 

And he started with the talk tonight. He let it all out - something that was hard for him to do as he hates talking about "emotional" stuff. He said he knows he screwed up horribly, that if it took a lifetime to "prove" his love for me, then that is what he'll do. He told me to at least think about it, to at least hear him out, give him a chance.

 

Again I broke down and cried, telling him that what he is asking of me is next to impossible. I told him I don't think I could ever trust him again, that he "killed" everything we once were. A few times his voice wavered, as though he was about to cry. He just kept saying over and over again..."I'm so sorry for what I did. I love you."

 

I just couldn't handle it...it hurts so DAMN BAD!!! I again ended our conversation in tears, telling him I just couldn't handle talking to him and hung up.

 

For over 5 months I struggled through the pain of this breakup and it damn near killed me. And now, here he is...telling me how sorry he is, how much he misses and loves me.

 

And the crazy part? That I'm tempted to rush back into his arms.

 

I hurt so bad right now. I KNOW going back to him is a mistake, that odds are I'll end up more hurt than I was this time.

 

Yet another part argues that he very well COULD be remorseful for what he did, that he really does love me, and if we found a way to work through it, this could prove to be the most satisfying relationship of my life...that we could stay together for life.

 

You know, as a rule...I'm a down-to-earth, logical woman. But all logic has abandoned me in regards to my ex. I definitely have a weakness for him, a deep love for him and I'm fighting SO hard to resist it.

 

I'm losing the battle, guys.

 

I'm losing....

 

~T~

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Oh. Dear. My. A 90 -or 180 degree turn.

 

First of All: Wipe your tears. Everything is going to be alright.

 

I understand this has been a major roller coaster ride -journey, at best -for you. I believe, it was you, who had that long 200 post thread about your ex.

 

I will have to review over your story. Until then, sit tight. Relax.

 

Clear your mind. Rigorous thinking is foreshadowed in the next few days.

 

But before I leave, one good indication of a man's sincerity: Tears. He cried -for you, to you, about you, and towards you.

 

You must understand, for a man to cry -IT IS a flickering view into his soul, thoughts, and emotions.

 

I will come back to post, again -at least, provide you with some insight.

 

Warm Regards,

Sand&Water

[jusified]

when you are close to tears remember, some day it will all be over

[Guest]

If you think you could have a chance again. Take him back. I had the same thing done to me by my ex. A very similar story, but I wish I was in your position where she realised that what she did was wrong and she still loved me.

 

If you love him, and you know he loves you. Its worth another chance, but you better set some ground rules for him. And it will take a lot of work for you to trust him again...

[underpants]

Oh Snap...

 

My head is reeling for you. Gosh, I can't imagine the range of emotions that you are and will be going through over the next few days.

 

I guess if he calls again tell him you need a few days to sort out your thoughts. You have to really think about this Tor.

 

Of course I am glad he came crying back to you. You rock and he was a fool.

 

Then again, after re reading your original post I am left a little nausated at the thought of you returning to that situation. What if he drinks again? What if she or another woman comes into the picture again? How long has it been since she has left, or has she even. He hasn't been very truthful with you in the past so of course the level head in you would have to be suspect. For gosh sakes he gave you a ring, all the while courting his ex. That is just so weak. It is just plain sad.

 

Urgh. I just don't know what to advise.

 

Do they have couples counciling near you?

 

I understand the desire to get back together is so strong, but if you just rush back in then eventually the underlying problems will resurface.

 

The very best to you Tor.

[Tormented]

Just got off the phone with my ex and I'm hurting so much right now.

 

I've thought about this long and hard and I reached a final decision. I can NOT go back to him - ever. Had things ended differently, if there had been some kind of honor in it, there would be hope. But after what he did, the hope is gone...it can't be gotten back.

 

I know that in the long run, my decision will be the best for me..but God how it hurts. The easiest thing right now would be to turn a blind eye to what he did, live in a fantasy world and "pretend" that all is well, to grasp at flimsy exuses to justify going back to him...but I CAN'T do it. I can never trust him again, so why even try.

 

He called tonight and I told him it IS over, that the love I once held for him is gone, that I've moved on. He asked me to think on it for a bit longer, to at least spend a day with him to see how I felt about him after doing so. I told him no, it was a waste of time. I told him that I'll always remember the good times we shared and I thought it was best if we just walk away with those good memories. He continued to argue, telling me that in time I'd learn to trust him again. I told him no, that I can never forgive him for what he did.

 

He then told me that if I change my mind, to call him. I just agreed and then said I had to go.

 

And that was it....

 

I hurt so bad right now. I know that I did the right thing...that in time I'll be glad that I did. And now, I can get on with truly mourning the death of this relationship.

 

I can't stop crying.

 

~T~

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I believe I understand your story now, Tormented. And, by all means, you should be baffled at the unfoldment of the circumstances.

 

Confusion is not a state you want to be in right now. With that said, I believe you should think about this with your logical sense -the woman, as you described, with down-to-earth and rational spirits.

 

My Advice:

 

You are no longer a teenager -even, though you may feel like you are in teenage love -but, this is not something or someone small you can toss out the window and simply move on.

 

You are a grown woman [ -with appropriate maturity] to understand that this is once in a lifetime opportunity to believe in the love you once had with him; to chase after a happy medium you yearn for -there is not a thing you don't deny in your heart; and explore a second chance -knowing that it may not bring forth satisfying outcomes.

 

Standards, respect, dignity, hurt, pain, re-occurrence of events, alcoholism, hear break, and even love are all stopping you from reaching out to reconcile.

 

But, deep down, you know what you want. You can ask yourself: Where do my boundaries lie? What is my heart saying to me? What is my mind saying to me?

 

What he did can probably never be justified. But, you either walk away now -or attempt to forgive.

 

You are strong woman, as I have noticed from your posts. You have the will power to make the right decision -for you.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[CaliGuy]

Again I broke down and cried, telling him that what he is asking of me is next to impossible. I told him I don't think I could ever trust him again, that he "killed" everything we once were. A few times his voice wavered, as though he was about to cry. He just kept saying over and over again..."I'm so sorry for what I did. I love you."

 

For over 5 months I struggled through the pain of this breakup and it damn near killed me. And now, here he is...telling me how sorry he is, how much he misses and loves me.

 

And the crazy part? That I'm tempted to rush back into his arms.

 

I hurt so bad right now. I KNOW going back to him is a mistake, that odds are I'll end up more hurt than I was this time.

 

Yet another part argues that he very well COULD be remorseful for what he did, that he really does love me, and if we found a way to work through it, this could prove to be the most satisfying relationship of my life...that we could stay together for life.

 

You know, as a rule...I'm a down-to-earth, logical woman. But all logic has abandoned me in regards to my ex. I definitely have a weakness for him, a deep love for him and I'm fighting SO hard to resist it.

 

The words I have highlighted in bold are the ones you need to continue to remind yourself of.

 

However, should you decide to give him another chance if you do nothing else, love and respect yourself and make him work his a$$ off to win you back. Make him work so damn hard that *if* he finally wins you back he will never again make the same mistake.

 

The biggest problem I can think of when it comes to reconcilliations is simply letting them back in too easy. They will always take you for granted because after all "If I screwed up that bad and she let me back in so easily I can pretty much do whatever I want and know she'll take me back."

 

Honor thyself

Love thyself

Respect thyself

 

Or nobody else will either.

 

If you really think you deserve to be happy then I believe it's in your best interest to find someone who won't take you for granted and leave you. If they leave you once, they can leave you again.

 

It's often just better to start with a clean slate with someone new.

[Tormented]

I guess if he calls again tell him you need a few days to sort out your thoughts. You have to really think about this Tor.

 

Actually, I took it a step farther than that...I told him good-bye. It was very painful to do, but at this point, it is the only decision I can live with in the long run.

 

 

Then again, after re reading your original post I am left a little nausated at the thought of you returning to that situation. What if he drinks again? What if she or another woman comes into the picture again? How long has it been since she has left, or has she even. He hasn't been very truthful with you in the past so of course the level head in you would have to be suspect. For gosh sakes he gave you a ring, all the while courting his ex. That is just so weak. It is just plain sad.

 

No, he wasn't seeing her when we were together, or when he gave me the ring. I left him for several reasons and he hooked up with her 3 weeks after our breakup. BUT - he contacted me 2 days before he took her back and begged me to allow him to come over to "talk" about things. Reluctantly, I allowed him to come over and he ended up spending the night. He told me he loved me and wanted to work things out. Two days later, she was back in his life. A woman, by the way, who lied to him, cheated on him, stole from him, and married the man she was cheating with one week after she left my ex. In fact, she's STILL married. This is a woman who's been married 5 times and cheated on every husband. Yet, he took her back and now regrets it. Hmmmm....no surprise there, huh?

 

 

I understand the desire to get back together is so strong, but if you just rush back in then eventually the underlying problems will resurface.

 

You know, I don't think any amount of time could reclaim my trust in him. I realized these past few days that I've lost respect for him, and once the respect is gone, disgust will soon follow.

 

It was hard to say goodbye to him, but I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself tonight. Now I can truly move on.

 

Thanx, Under...

 

~T~

[Tormented]

RE:

 

I believe I understand your story now, Tormented. And, by all means, you should be baffled at the unfoldment of the circumstances.

 

Yes, it was me who started the 200 plus posts about my ex...except, I think it was closer to 300.

 

Gee, ya don't think I was obsessing, do you?

 

Confusion is not a state you want to be in right now. With that said, I believe you should think about this with your logical sense -the woman, as you described, with down-to-earth and rational spirits.

 

Confusion entered when I attempted to turn a deaf ear to my voice of logic. What I wanted versus what I knew was best for me were at odds....my heart screaming to go back with him and relieve the pain. My brain warned that going back to him was inviting more heartache and THIS time I'd have it coming because I knew what he was capable of. It also reminded me that going back to him would mean losing respect for myself...a VERY high price to pay. Nope, can't do it. My brain - my logic- ultimately won.

 

 

You are no longer a teenager -even, though you may feel like you are in teenage love -but, this is not something or someone small you can toss out the window and simply move on.

 

Ha! No, THIS girl passed the teen years long ago. I think, though, if I WERE in my teens I would have walked away from this with ease. It is my belief that as we get older, we love on a different level than in our earlier years. We begin to think about lifetime partners, and in doing so, many things are taken into consideration. We tend to invest more time, are able to dwell deeper in our love for our partners. And as a result, breakups, in my opionion, are much harder. This particular breakup was hell for me, but I survived. And I will continue to. I know there will be some bad days along the way - a song, place, even a word that will trigger memories of him, but as time goes on, those triggers won't be as painful or as intense. And then the day will come when I will feel nothing. And that is the day I look forward to.

 

You are a grown woman [ -with appropriate maturity] to understand that this is once in a lifetime opportunity to believe in the love you once had with him; to chase after a happy medium you yearn for -there is not a thing you don't deny in your heart; and explore a second chance -knowing that it may not bring forth satisfying outcomes.

 

TO CHASE AFTER A HAPPY MEDIUM YOU YEARN FOR -

 

And THAT is the key right there. A dream, a desire I yearn for...but not necessarily with him. You know, it seems to me a lot of us here are in love with the idea of what life COULD be with our exes, rather than WITH the person. We loved the security we felt, of the companionship, the "twoness" our relationship provided. And we're struggling with the "oneness." And the painful lonliness we're feeling tricks us into thinking that we're still in love with our exes. And so...we continue to pine away, chasing a "dream" that will never be, was never meant to be. Just a few thoughts I've had the past few days...

 

Standards, respect, dignity, hurt, pain, re-occurrence of events, alcoholism, hear break, and even love are all stopping you from reaching out to reconcile.

 

Bingo! All of the above has played a factor in my decision to walk away from this - for good. How can I have respect for myself if I allowed him back into my life after what he did? How could I look in the mirror without feeling disgust for myself if I settle for a man who broke my heart in pieces...regardless of the "reasons" why? Self-respect is something nobody should EVER forsake because regardless of our life's circumstance - in a relationship or alone - we will ALWAYS have to live with ourselves. If we lose respect for self, then we can only look forward to a life of self-loathing. No, not a life I want to live.

 

But, deep down, you know what you want. You can ask yourself: Where do my boundaries lie? What is my heart saying to me? What is my mind saying to me?

 

Yes, I know what I want, but I also know what's best for me, and many times we will find ourselves at odds with this. What's best for us isn't always something we desire because it doesn't instantly gratify our present need. Best, however, will usually gratify our permanent need...but it takes patience and discipline. Not always the easy path to take.

 

What he did can probably never be justified. But, you either walk away now -or attempt to forgive.

 

Yep, something I told myself the past few days. You know, Sand, I truly have had enough of this. I will say that although this recent contact with him has caused me pain, it has also helped me to walk away, except this time I feel a sense of peace about it. It felt good to get some answers from him, to have a good cry with him, to hear that he regrets what he did, and that he wanted me back. But it felt GREAT to tell him no. I feel good about myself for doing so, and I've no doubt I will pat myself on the back for it years down the road. I retained my dignity, pride and worth. He may have broke my heart, but he didn't break me.

 

You are strong woman, as I have noticed from your posts. You have the will power to make the right decision -for you.

 

Thank you so much for this post, Sand. I very much appreciate your wisdom and encouraging words. This has been a horrible time for me, but I DO see a break in the storm.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

However, should you decide to give him another chance if you do nothing else, love and respect yourself and make him work his a$$ off to win you back. Make him work so damn hard that *if* he finally wins you back he will never again make the same mistake.

 

You know, Cali, I think under different circumstances this may have worked. But sometimes, the damage done is beyond repair and no amount of "good deeds" or grovelling will fix it. Once the trust has been destroyed, there IS no going back. And that's the case here. I spent the past few days thinking long and hard about this - about us - and decided that walking away was the best move for me. Even if we worked hard at regaining what we once had, it could never be the same. How could it be? This isn't something that could ever be completely forgiven, and most definitely forgotten. No, I could never feel the same about him regardless of how hard he tried. What's done is done. End of story.

 

The biggest problem I can think of when it comes to reconcilliations is simply letting them back in too easy. They will always take you for granted because after all "If I screwed up that bad and she let me back in so easily I can pretty much do whatever I want and know she'll take me back."

 

Exactly. That's like a green light to disrespect and abuse. And those who hold no respect for themselves will receive none from others. He will never have me back in his life, but at least he will walk away with respect for me.

 

Bottom line here is...I refuse to play Judas to myself. He may have betrayed my trust, but I will NOT betray my self-worth and dignity for him...or for anybody. That can only be taken if I allow it. I choose to keep it.

 

Honor thyself

Love thyself

Respect thyself

 

Amen to that!

 

 

 

If you really think you deserve to be happy then I believe it's in your best interest to find someone who won't take you for granted and leave you. If they leave you once, they can leave you again.

 

You are absolutely right. Like they say....if you want a peek in to the future, look back at the past.

 

I met a guy I like...we seem to have a lot in common and get along well. He has asked me to out for dinner and I haven't answered yet. I think I'll accept his offer. Time for me to date again...to get on with my life.

 

Thank you, Cali...much appreciated.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

when you are close to tears remember, some day it will all be over

 

And that day has come...it's over. It's painful, but it's also given me a sense of peace and relief. I know there will be bad days along the way, but the pain will not hold the sting it once did.

 

~T~

[jusified]

T, it is very hard, no one can understand how you feel because the situation is your own, as it is for every brokenheart out there.

 

But you know, times like this you need to have faith that god has something good planed for you and it is just around the corner so dont give up. Wipe the tears away and be positive, you will live longer

 

Be a better person

[AriaIncognito]

T I just wanted to post and reiterate what a strong person you are for choosing yourself over the relationship. I know how hard it is to have that conflict between your head and your heart. Heck I've had it for the past year with my now ex (as of 4 days ago). Logically I knew I deserved more than he gave, but my heart...well it thrived on how i felt when I was getting something.

 

It's so hard to deal with first of all, knowing it's over and then second, with the knowledge that you will love again. It's so hard to accept that it's even remotely possible when you lose someone so close and that you loved so much. I'm grappling with that now, and admire your strength and courage in yourself.

 

Keep it up, you're a person to be admired. :-)

[Tormented]

But you know, times like this you need to have faith that god has something good planed for you and it is just around the corner so dont give up. Wipe the tears away and be positive, you will live longer

 

Justified, I want you to know how much I appreciate all the encouragement you've given me through this time in my life. So many times you responded when I needed a lift...thank you!

 

I truly do feel better about the situation now, feel as though I've taken the power back and it's HIS turn to cry. With that said, I do hope he learned something from this and resolves to never treat another the way he did me.

 

Our long conversations the past few days were painful, yes, but necessary for us both. It truly did bring some closure for me, although I'm not certain that it did for him.

 

He asked me to call him if I "changed my mind." What could he possibly be thinking? He himself admitted that had somebody done to him what he did to me, he'd be a "mad MF'er"...his words. Yet, he HOPES that I will have a change in heart and take him back. Certainly doesn't sound like closure to me, but I can't control how he feels. That's something he'll have to work out for himself.

 

I can assure you that a call from me will never come. Maybe then he'll understand that it's truly over and he needs to move on.

 

I have...and it feels great.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

T I just wanted to post and reiterate what a strong person you are for choosing yourself over the relationship.

 

Thank you, Aria. Strange...all this time I felt anything but strong. I saw myself as weak for struggling with this for so long, especially after he treated me the way he did. I kept telling myself that a strong person would simply walk away without ever looking back. Yet, I struggled with the "why's" and "how could he do this to me?" Over and over again I grappled with these thoughts - everyday for the past 6 months. And I felt weak for it. Thank God for the people here!

 

I know how hard it is to have that conflict between your head and your heart. Heck I've had it for the past year with my now ex (as of 4 days ago). Logically I knew I deserved more than he gave, but my heart...well it thrived on how i felt when I was getting something.

 

Yep, same here. My heart and brain have been at war for quite some time now, each with a compelling conviction. On one day, my heart was in the lead. The next, my brain would pull ahead. And on and on this has raged. Today, I feel much better. Much stronger than I ever have since the breakup. I have reached a final decision and there will be no going back. For the first time in months, I woke up with other things on my mind, on other areas in my life that need to be taken care of - changes I need to make. And I've placed my focus and energy on a plan of action...I've got a lot of work to do! But at least this new focus will take me forward rather than backwards or leaving me in limbo. He has lost his power over me and it feels good.

 

It's so hard to deal with first of all, knowing it's over and then second, with the knowledge that you will love again. It's so hard to accept that it's even remotely possible when you lose someone so close and that you loved so much. I'm grappling with that now, and admire your strength and courage in yourself.

 

Yes, it is hard...painfully so. But I do have confidence that I'll love again, but not for awhile. I met a guy who I'm a little interested in. We have a lot in common and he brings a smile to my face. He's asked me out for dinner sometime, and although I haven't yet accepted, I think I'll take him up on that offer and go. I don't expect a "love connection" here, but if anything, I will have gained a new friend. Can't have enough of those in this world.

 

Chin up, girl! We'll make it through this.

 

~T~

[Rooster_DAR]

Tormented, you are a very strong person and I think you are incredibly mature for standing your ground in the decisions you've made. I agree with most of the other posters, and especially with "CaliGuy". I can tell that you really still love this person very much, and making the decisions you have made for yourself take an incredible amount of integrity and strength.

 

I also think you made the best decisions for yourself, and as "CaliGuy" stated, I think it would take your EX moving mountains before I would even ever consider a reconciliation. You are showing him you are a force to be reckoned with, and you will not tolerate someone treating you the way her did. Does he truly regret it? it's very possible. It's also possilbe that things didn't work out the way he planned with his ex, and at some point the whole situation could revisit itself. This should be a very harsh lesson to him in the future.

 

Take more time and take care of yourself, I think you are one of the few of us left in the world with great integrity, honesty, and sense of self control and that is something to be very proud of.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

Cheers!

[Lovestoomuch]

Tor, You should feel empowered by your decision! You chose YOU! He clearly doesn't deserve a woman of your quality and insight. You chose the best path for your life to move forward and prosper. Who the hell wants a cheater. Take a deep breath or two, smile to yourself and think, I ROCK! Let your light and love shine through and when you are ready, a great man with all the qualities you look for will come into your life. I truly mean this, Congratulations, you just took the biggest and hardest step in healing. Be good to yourself, you deserve it!!!

[AriaIncognito]

[quote=Tormented;1074600

Thank you, Aria. Strange...all this time I felt anything but strong. I saw myself as weak for struggling with this for so long, especially after he treated me the way he did. I kept telling myself that a strong person would simply walk away without ever looking back. Yet, I struggled with the "why's" and "how could he do this to me?" Over and over again I grappled with these thoughts - everyday for the past 6 months. And I felt weak for it. Thank God for the people here!

 

~T~[/b]

 

Believe me, I feel the same way. My friends tell me that I'm such a strong person. I just dont see it. They say "well you chose to walk away" and I am like "yeah but who cares, i knew he would do it if i didn't" or make up some other excuse instead of actually believing that I've put myself here. That I've decided that I'm worth more than someone who will give me love only when they need it and not when I need it. I guess sometimes we learn to put others above us, for whatever reason. Maybe it's a maternal instinct f'ing with us. Maybe it's love f'ing with us. I dont know. All I know is it's extremely tough to be "selfish" enough to take back the reigns, once you've handed them over to someone.

[Tormented]

I can tell that you really still love this person very much, and making the decisions you have made for yourself take an incredible amount of integrity and strength.

 

Yes, I do still hold some love for him but have NO respect for him. But the love I hold is for a man that I've come to realize doesn't exist. I told him that I now wonder if he was the man I THOUGHT I knew, the man I fell in love with because THAT man would had never hurt me as horribly as he did, nor leave in the this kind of pain without ever turning around to notice what he had done to me, to see if I was okay. He fell silent, didn't quite know what to say. Finally, the best he could offer was..."everybody makes mistakes, and I made a bad one." Something tells me he has no idea just how bad of a mistake this was, but he will down the road.

 

I also think you made the best decisions for yourself, and as "CaliGuy" stated, I think it would take your EX moving mountains before I would even ever consider a reconciliation. You are showing him you are a force to be reckoned with, and you will not tolerate someone treating you the way her did.

 

At this point, he could move Mt. Everest and it wouldn't change things for me. I know, in both my heart and brain, that if I was to reconcile with him, the ability to look at him and NOT think about what he did and flashes of him and her together is impossible. It would ALWAYS be there - like a little black cloud eclipsing any happiness we could have together. And there's no way I could relax, to exhale. I'd always be waiting for him to do a turnabout on me again. People like him are sick, Roost. It's the sickness in THEM that cause them to do what our exes did to us. Initially, their actions cause us to feel rejected, unworthy, unloveable. But the truth is...we didn't satisfy the sick "need" they have, so they turn to others who will. And really, when you look at it in his light, there's a sense of relief that we were NOT chosen. We're just too...NORMAL for these types. We lack the drama and excitement they seek. Thank God, huh?

 

 

 

Does he truly regret it? it's very possible. It's also possilbe that things didn't work out the way he planned with his ex, and at some point the whole situation could revisit itself. This should be a very harsh lesson to him in the future.

 

Oh, I don't think it's over between him and the ex. You see, she's a diagnosed Borderline Personality and, true to form, she bores easily and runs back and forth to her husband and my ex. This has been done a few times, so I've learned. Personally, I want NOTHING to do with that kind of sickness. He'll just have to wait till it's his "turn" with her, because I WON'T be coming back.

 

Take more time and take care of yourself, I think you are one of the few of us left in the world with great integrity, honesty, and sense of self control and that is something to be very proud of.

 

Roost...thank you SO much for this! I want you to know that you just brought a big smile to my face.

 

BTW...I've been meaning to ask you about your ex. Have you heard anything more from her? Did she return the ring, or have you decided to cut your losses and let it go?

 

~T~

[Rooster_DAR]

I can tell that you really still love this person very much, and making the decisions you have made for yourself take an incredible amount of integrity and strength.

 

Yes, I do still hold some love for him but have NO respect for him. But the love I hold is for a man that I've come to realize doesn't exist. I told him that I now wonder if he was the man I THOUGHT I knew, the man I fell in love with because THAT man would had never hurt me as horribly as he did, nor leave in the this kind of pain without ever turning around to notice what he had done to me, to see if I was okay. He fell silent, didn't quite know what to say. Finally, the best he could offer was..."everybody makes mistakes, and I made a bad one." Something tells me he has no idea just how bad of a mistake this was, but he will down the road.

 

I also think you made the best decisions for yourself, and as "CaliGuy" stated, I think it would take your EX moving mountains before I would even ever consider a reconciliation. You are showing him you are a force to be reckoned with, and you will not tolerate someone treating you the way her did.

 

At this point, he could move Mt. Everest and it wouldn't change things for me. I know, in both my heart and brain, that if I was to reconcile with him, the ability to look at him and NOT think about what he did and flashes of him and her together is impossible. It would ALWAYS be there - like a little black cloud eclipsing any happiness we could have together. And there's no way I could relax, to exhale. I'd always be waiting for him to do a turnabout on me again. People like him are sick, Roost. It's the sickness in THEM that cause them to do what our exes did to us. Initially, their actions cause us to feel rejected, unworthy, unloveable. But the truth is...we didn't satisfy the sick "need" they have, so they turn to others who will. And really, when you look at it in his light, there's a sense of relief that we were NOT chosen. We're just too...NORMAL for these types. We lack the drama and excitement they seek. Thank God, huh?

 

 

 

Does he truly regret it? it's very possible. It's also possilbe that things didn't work out the way he planned with his ex, and at some point the whole situation could revisit itself. This should be a very harsh lesson to him in the future.

 

Oh, I don't think it's over between him and the ex. You see, she's a diagnosed Borderline Personality and, true to form, she bores easily and runs back and forth to her husband and my ex. This has been done a few times, so I've learned. Personally, I want NOTHING to do with that kind of sickness. He'll just have to wait till it's his "turn" with her, because I WON'T be coming back.

 

Take more time and take care of yourself, I think you are one of the few of us left in the world with great integrity, honesty, and sense of self control and that is something to be very proud of.

 

Roost...thank you SO much for this! I want you to know that you just brought a big smile to my face.

 

BTW...I've been meaning to ask you about your ex. Have you heard anything more from her? Did she return the ring, or have you decided to cut your losses and let it go?

 

~T~

 

I cut my losses and let the whole thing go. I am doing great and the time spent by myself has helped me tremendously. I still have my moments of melancholy, but I have been happier now more than I have in the past two years. 2006 was the worst torture I could ever have endured, and I will not let that control my future happiness at any cost, nobody is worth that much pain. BTW, I am still visiting Grass Valley in May so I will contact you then if everything goes right.

 

Good luck TOR!

[Tormented]

Tor, You should feel empowered by your decision! You chose YOU! He clearly doesn't deserve a woman of your quality and insight.

 

I do, but I'm still in a bit of pain. But I guess that's much better than the alternative...which is to waste more time on a relationship that will lead to nothing but MORE pain. And you're absolutely right...he does NOT deserve a woman with integrity. Not just me, but ANY woman in this category.

 

You chose the best path for your life to move forward and prosper. Who the hell wants a cheater.

 

Exactly. Cheaters are a dime a dozen. GENUINE people are a hard find, and only a fool lets them go. Something he'll realize down the road but it's too late.

 

Take a deep breath or two, smile to yourself and think, I ROCK! Let your light and love shine through and when you are ready, a great man with all the qualities you look for will come into your life. I truly mean this, Congratulations, you just took the biggest and hardest step in healing. Be good to yourself, you deserve it!!!

 

Thank you, Love...I plan to do just that - to smile and once again embrace life and all it has to offer. I DO want to love again but THIS time I want it to count with a man who will cherish and honor me as I do him.

 

Hell, isn't that something we all want?

 

~T~

[Tormented]

That I've decided that I'm worth more than someone who will give me love only when they need it and not when I need it.

 

Oh man...I definitely identify with you here. I've spent the last few days thinking...REALLY reaching down to the root of me, and finally had to admit that I was nothing by a rebound to him after his horrible breakup with the ex. He denies this, of course, telling me that his love for me was genuine, that I was NOT a rebound and never was. Yeah, right. She throws him a crumb and he jumps on it, completely turning his back on me and all that we once shared. And just where was this "genuine" love then? Uh-huh...I may be blonde, but not ALL of us are brain dead! lol...

 

I guess sometimes we learn to put others above us, for whatever reason. Maybe it's a maternal instinct f'ing with us. Maybe it's love f'ing with us. I dont know. All I know is it's extremely tough to be "selfish" enough to take back the reigns, once you've handed them over to someone.

 

...or maybe we just need to love ourselves MORE. What I have learned is if we love ourselves, if we hold self-respect, then others will as well. If we allow others to use and abuse us, they will! Of course, they'll have absolutely no respect for you because you haven't demanded it.

 

And that's what we need to do. Not ask for respect, but DEMAND it.

 

My decision with my ex has done just that...demanded respect.

 

~T~

[jusified]

you know, been left behid by your ex isn;t good. But we all need to start think about our selves and what we can do with our lives.

 

Please do not even worry/care about the ex, wheather it be if they will regret, they will realise or they will be unhappy. I know its hard and I struggle with that but the truth is when you stop worrying about all that and at least try to move on life will be better. Again, good things happen to strong people, dont give up and fall back on something bad for us (the ex's that caused us so much pain).

[Tormented]

I cut my losses and let the whole thing go. I am doing great and the time spent by myself has helped me tremendously.

 

Good move, Roost. I know the ring was expensive, but your happiness is worth so much more. She may have the ring, but she lost you. A much LARGER loss than you suffered in my opinion. And one she will learn to regret later down the road.

 

I still have my moments of melancholy, but I have been happier now more than I have in the past two years. 2006 was the worst torture I could ever have endured, and I will not let that control my future happiness at any cost, nobody is worth that much pain.

 

I wanted to take a final swing at 2006 on New Year's Eve for bringing such misery in my life. It was a year for hell, and not one I ever care to go through again. I have spent this new year in semi-isolation...licking my wounds and healing. And I have to say, I'm feeling much better, much stronger now. In fact, I accepted a dinner date with a guy I just recently met. His kids are out here visiting from Italy and plan to fly back next Saturday, so we decided to have dinner the following weekend. I'm a bit nervous about it as I haven't been dating, just wasn't ready for it, but I think it's time I start living my life again. Enough with the tears and sadness, I'm tired of it. And I agree, nobody is worth the pain our exes caused. I REFUSE to give him that kind of power in my life.

 

BTW, I am still visiting Grass Valley in May so I will contact you then if everything goes right.

 

Cool! Let me know when you'll be out and I'll make plans to show you around. It's absolutely gorgeous up here...you'll love it!

 

~T~