notmakingsense Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I was doing so well, but got a hair up my butt and just HAD to contact her. Her dad is ill and she went a trip to visit him for his birthday. It was planned for a while, so I decided to write a note to pass along my best wishes. She responded within hours, letting me know how things were and wished me well. I responded about 4 hours later with a light note bringing her up to date with a few things about kids and work. So crap. I once again trashed my own advice. HOWEVER, I'm doing really great. I analyzed this a little, and I don't feel like I want her back any longer -- its more like I want to let her know (in a very subtle way) that I don't hate her (I was the dumper who was forced in to the role because of her lack of commitment). I still feel flashes of anxiety when I hear from her, and I know that I DON'T want to know about her social life -- all of which means I'm not over her completely. So -- my plan is to continue to keep the contact to a bare minimum and avoid any meetings until I know I can really handle it. Just thought I'd post to let everyone know that everyone is human, even us staunch NC'ers, and that once a long amount of time has passed, contact is possible without you going in to a tailspin. Its all relative to the amount you have moved on -- and in my case, I have come a long way baby! -- NMS PS You may ask why keep any contact at all? We were close friends before the relationship -- it will be nice to have that back again once I have fully moved on.
Arianna72 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 How long had it been since you went NC? It sounds like you are still doing very well
miss snoopy Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 You have the right attitude NMS. The ex I never did NC with is the only one who is still a friend, even though we split up in the early-mid 90s, can't even remember as I've blocked the relationship out! We're good friends but as we live in different countries face to face contact happens only once a year. So.. the world is a small place. You had a friendship before the relationship which for you is important. When you're able to forgive each other and are truly happy seeing the other in a relationship, then you can have a friendship. However with vey strict NC this may not happen so I can see the benefits in not cutting each other off completely.
MagnoliaJane Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 NMS, I'm sure she already knows without a doubt you don't hate her. You really love her and that's why you had to break up with her (because she doesn't want to commit equally to you). Is there any other way you could have stated more clearly what the true nature of your feelings is? So I wouldn't worry too much about her thoughts... But off course we're all human and I understand you contacting her... I fall into the same "friends" trap. Hmmm.... it's a tricky one. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety over that the past few weeks (and some resentment building up!)... I believe it just doesn't work, the "going back to where it was before you started having a relationship" For one, it is a way too complicated situation. And there will always be "more". Maybe in 5 years or so, yes... Or maybe it all depends upon the person. You have to reach a state of "romantic indifference" first I guess... Wishing you all the best!!!!
Author notmakingsense Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 How long had it been since you went NC? It sounds like you are still doing very well Thanks Arianna -- I was in solid NC for about 2 months before light contact started between us. However, we had broken up before last summer, so I have a lot more experience with dealing with my emotions and being seperate from her. That last time it was also about 3 months NC. It is getting easier and easier...
Author notmakingsense Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 You have the right attitude NMS. The ex I never did NC with is the only one who is still a friend, even though we split up in the early-mid 90s, can't even remember as I've blocked the relationship out! We're good friends but as we live in different countries face to face contact happens only once a year. So.. the world is a small place. You had a friendship before the relationship which for you is important. When you're able to forgive each other and are truly happy seeing the other in a relationship, then you can have a friendship. However with vey strict NC this may not happen so I can see the benefits in not cutting each other off completely. You are exactly right, and that was what I wasn't prepared to do -- completely lock her out of my life. Sure, a very small part of me hopes that she will change her ways and commit to me, but in the mean-time I want to do what you have done -- block the relationship out of my mind so that I don't think about "what might have been." Some of the old-timers who have seen me on LS over a year ago, if they see this, will slap me silly about my contacting her. They may be right. If I notice myself still thinking about a relationship 3, 6, 9, 12 months from now -- I may need to drop contact off altogether.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 For one, it is a way too complicated situation. And there will always be "more". Maybe in 5 years or so, yes... Or maybe it all depends upon the person. You have to reach a state of "romantic indifference" first I guess... I couldn't have put it better myself! I have a suspicion that it will take me a very long time to reach "romantic indifference".... but I do hope it is possible. In a weird way, it is important to my own self-esteem that I can do this. If I am strong enough to reach romantic indifference with her, I am truly no longer a victim and in control of my own happiness.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Some of the old-timers who have seen me on LS over a year ago, if they see this, will slap me silly about my contacting her. They may be right. If I notice myself still thinking about a relationship 3, 6, 9, 12 months from now -- I may need to drop contact off altogether. Prepare to be slapped. Why do I feel like you'll be doing this back and forth thing 20 years from now??? You cannot be friends with this woman, you've been too in love with her.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Prepare to be slapped. Why do I feel like you'll be doing this back and forth thing 20 years from now??? You cannot be friends with this woman, you've been too in love with her. I was waiting for you Mz Pixie! Yeah, you know me, always up for some public humiliation.... perhaps we should consider this a ongoing diary of what NOT to do? It is scary in a way, becuase I could totally see myself being an idiot for 20 years, but I'm determined not to. Posting here should help me stay honest.
Author notmakingsense Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 I'm about to just give up on you. I probably would give up on me too if I were you! But, I'm not giving up on me. I post my slip-ups here on purpose. They help me stay the course. And helping others stay the course helps me as well. I will never, ever accept her back romantically unless it meets my terms, and I will stay away from an attempt at friendship until I know I can handle it. Will I screw up again? Probably. To be honest, I don't think I can get completely over her romantically until someone else has filled that spot -- but nevertheless, I'm trying to get to what MJ calls "romantic indifference" without relying on another.
Arianna72 Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I went back and read a bunch of your old posts as your situation seemed similar to mine in some respects. Wow!!! You have been dealing with this for that long. You must be incredibly patient. I had only been dating the guy I came here posting about for about 2 months or so and was already losing patience over the whole situation. It sounds to me like this is a pretty clear case of you needing to go total NC. When you have that much invested in a romantic relationship with someone there really is no “being just friends” trust me I have tried. I believe it is possible to “let go” of romantic notions for someone when they are not around, but once you do let go, trying to spend time with that person again will only rekindle the romantic feelings you spent so long trying to let go of. My one long term relationship was one of those on/off things for 15 years. We would separate sometimes for years at a time and even go total NC for months (as long as a full year w/o contact) then one of us would break down and call the other to “check-in” these contacts would inevitably lead to us sort of getting back together for a couple years or whatever only for me to later discover that he still wasn’t ready to commit 100% to our relationship. We have told each other many times that we would always be friends and always be a part of each others lives but the fact is that there is just to much there for us to ever really be friends. He contacted me as recently as 1 ½ months ago because he had heard I was seeing someone (he has been in a relationship for the last year) and wanted to let me know that he still thought about me and still believed we would be together someday. At some point (actually fairly recently) I finally realized that while he does care about me, his contacting me is more a way to just confirm for himself that he always has me as a back up plan. I don’t want to be that to someone. I may be way off base here but my instincts tell me, don’t let things with this woman go on any longer. Trust me it won’t get better, I think the chances are quite good that she already sees you as just a back-up plan because she knows now that you will put up with just about anything.
Author notmakingsense Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 You are not off base -- you and Mz Pixie are very right! Lets see, it took you 15 years -- and I'm on year 3. I don't know why it is so difficult to completely let go. She wants to keep me as a backup, and I want to keep her as an opportunity. If you read my posts, you should have noticed a positive trend though -- and that is that I'm doing more of the ending now because I reach the end of my rope far quicker. The patience is gone -- believe me. Ok, so I'll give up on the friends idea. I doubt I'll ever be able to refuse contact from her, so I'll continue to be civil and friendly, but I won't let myself get romantically involved with her again unless there is some sort of clear sign from god that she has changed
D-Lish Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I'll be honest, meeting with my ex after 5 months of NC really messed with my emotions again. I had thought I'd gotten to the point where I could see him and be okay- but I was wrong about that... I don't think I'll ever be able to remain "friends" or have sporadic contact with him... it's just too much to handle.
MagnoliaJane Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Ok, so I'll give up on the friends idea. I doubt I'll ever be able to refuse contact from her, so I'll continue to be civil and friendly, but I won't let myself get romantically involved with her again unless there is some sort of clear sign from god that she has changed NMS, how long would you be willing to stay "civil and friendly"? For as long as it takes? And what does that mean exactly? A few phone calls back and forth? Some talk about the family? Going out for a cup of coffee? Do you think it is worth to put your life on hold? What happened to your date?
Arianna72 Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Actually I don't really see that as a positve trend to be honest The last several times that he and I got together I was the one ending things because as you said I reached the end of my rope more and more quickly.. the patience for the situation was just gone. To be honest I recognize that there is still a piece of me that will never "let go" entirely. Relationships like that foster some bizarre sense of hope against all odds that simply doesn't exist. While I now recognize I may never entirely let go, he will never know this and I only occasionally admit it to myself. It is over and I won't go back I know that. I also don't know if I could refuse contact or not but I know for certain I will not meet up with him ever again.. I agree with D-Lish it is just to much to handle. Unfortunatly the thing with that loss of patience is I have discovered just how much it effects me in new relationships. Like I said, I have only been seeing this new guy for 2 months and my patience is almost gone. Seems like I am now jumping ship maybe a bit too soon.. or at least seeing the ship as sinking long before I should. The back and forth thing for so long and the trying to be patient has completely jaded me.
Author notmakingsense Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 D-Lish -- thanks for your post -- I have learned a lot from reading about your experience, and partly due to that I am resolved to be very careful. One of my posts 2-3 weeks ago was about refusing a meeting request from her. That's because I knew I'd get all messed up over that! MJ -- I will not put my life on hold at all. I'm trying my best to practice what I preach and focus on being happy without a significant other in my life at all. I have started to date a little, but just casually. I'm not quite ready to really get in to that just yet, but I'm on my way. I do really feel good and strong now. I no longer think of her very often, and when I do, it is more about how wise I was to break up with her this last time. I will take everyone's cautions and continue to refuse meetings with her -- if she asks again.
Author notmakingsense Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Actually I don't really see that as a positve trend to be honest The last several times that he and I got together I was the one ending things because as you said I reached the end of my rope more and more quickly.. the patience for the situation was just gone. To be honest I recognize that there is still a piece of me that will never "let go" entirely. Relationships like that foster some bizarre sense of hope against all odds that simply doesn't exist. While I now recognize I may never entirely let go, he will never know this and I only occasionally admit it to myself. It is over and I won't go back I know that. I also don't know if I could refuse contact or not but I know for certain I will not meet up with him ever again.. I agree with D-Lish it is just to much to handle. Unfortunatly the thing with that loss of patience is I have discovered just how much it effects me in new relationships. Like I said, I have only been seeing this new guy for 2 months and my patience is almost gone. Seems like I am now jumping ship maybe a bit too soon.. or at least seeing the ship as sinking long before I should. The back and forth thing for so long and the trying to be patient has completely jaded me. Hmmm..... I hadn't really considered that angle. I wonder if I'm more jaded now also. My few dates haven't worked out, but I don't think it was because I was too picky. When I think of my ex now -- I see her as a person that is about 40% commitment-phobic due to her own past failures and about 60% Narcissistic because relationships are all about what SHE gets from them, not about anyone else. I became extremely addicted to her because when our relationship transitioned from friendship to romance, the chemistry was explosive! I honestly doubt I can ever duplicate that -- I guess that's where the jaded part comes in? Thanks again for all of your posts -- I guess I am still walking on the eggshells of my emotions -- best step off the the side for a while longer...
johnnytable Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Before I say anything, I want to be clarified of something. You have been broken up for three years, correct? If not, how long has it been?
Author notmakingsense Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Before I say anything, I want to be clarified of something. You have been broken up for three years, correct? If not, how long has it been? Thanks Johnnytable, I have been with the woman on-and-off for 3 years. During that 3 year time-period, we have broken up maybe 3 different times. We are currently broken up for the 4th (and hopefully last) time.
johnnytable Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 Okay, I'm not going to slap you as hard or for the same reason. I thought you had been broken up for three years. Regardless, it is clear that breaking up so many times is unhealthy. For one thing it is just flat out difficult. But even worse for you, it keeps you away from somebody good. You aren't going to be out there finding yourself a good partner when you are with a bad one. I don't care how "great" the person is, they are bad for you if you keep breaking up. Like somebody else said, can you be doing this in 20 years? Sure if you don't make a change. When you said that this is hopefully the last time, that is entirely up to you. Well it may not be up to you to get back together, but it is certainly up to you to stay apart. You have to come to this decision on your own. From what you say, it sounds like you are still willing to be with this person if they somehow "change" into somebody that you can be with. It might be a better bet to just find somebody who already fits the role that you want them to. Something that people often forget is that there are tons of women out there. They are everywhere. Many are good and many are not. Putting your life on hold and spending time on something that is clearly a bad choice of partners is going to get you nowhere fast. You already *know* that this person is not right for you. It has been proven multiple times. Don't you want somebody who is good for you? If so, shut this person out of your life and find somebody good.
Author notmakingsense Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Okay, I'm not going to slap you as hard or for the same reason. I thought you had been broken up for three years. Regardless, it is clear that breaking up so many times is unhealthy. For one thing it is just flat out difficult. But even worse for you, it keeps you away from somebody good. You aren't going to be out there finding yourself a good partner when you are with a bad one. I don't care how "great" the person is, they are bad for you if you keep breaking up. Like somebody else said, can you be doing this in 20 years? Sure if you don't make a change. When you said that this is hopefully the last time, that is entirely up to you. Well it may not be up to you to get back together, but it is certainly up to you to stay apart. You have to come to this decision on your own. From what you say, it sounds like you are still willing to be with this person if they somehow "change" into somebody that you can be with. It might be a better bet to just find somebody who already fits the role that you want them to. Something that people often forget is that there are tons of women out there. They are everywhere. Many are good and many are not. Putting your life on hold and spending time on something that is clearly a bad choice of partners is going to get you nowhere fast. You already *know* that this person is not right for you. It has been proven multiple times. Don't you want somebody who is good for you? If so, shut this person out of your life and find somebody good. I really appreciate your input Johnnytable, and it is the same advice I give other people who are in my situation. The major trick seems to be following that advice! Everything you said is spot-on, and I am determined not to get caught up with her any longer. I'm focusing on other things now, I no longer think about her very much, and I've even started to date a little. As I said in one of my earlier posts -- it is getting easier and easier to stay out of contact -- even though I still have to work at it.
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