myhotrod123456789 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 So I posted my whole story not too long ago. In brief, I was with this girl for 5 years. First 4 years were picture perfect, last year involved more fighting and got tough when she moved an hour away to start grad school. We are both mid-20s. I was never exactly sure why it is that we broke up. I knew we fought and I was OK with the break because I didn't think she'd be able to handle it. This was 4.5 months ago. I've held out hope that I'd be able to win her over. She gave me the whole slew of excuses. But, she never would let go of me because I know she genuinely loves me. So, a few days ago it came to my attention that this guy (who she admits is her best friend there) considers her his girlfriend now. I send her an email calling her out on it feeling somewhat vindicated that I had this hunch for a long time and she had made me feel like I was unreasonably insecure and jealous. And I know it's none of my business, but I wanted to know because I felt like a chump since she would tell me things like "I want to take baby steps" and "When we hang out and things go well, I realize what I need to do" and so on. She writes back a powerful email essentially saying that the reason why she wanted to break up was that she thought of me in terms of 'end up with'. And with our fighting in the last year, she started to have doubts as to whether she has enough experience to be able to stick it out in the long haul with me. She never told me flat out that this is what she wanted until this email, although she claims otherwise. She goes on to talk about how much she loves me and she wants/expects that I'm going out with other girls, but she doesn't want to know about it. She says that she knows that if she lost me from her life it would be like losing a chunk of her soul. And she didn't tell me about this thing she has right now earlier because she doesn't consider it serious (right. how can you have a casual relationship with your best friend?) and it in no way changes her feelings towards me. Her only hope is that I don't fall in love and get married because then she'll feel like she really missed her chance. I ended up talking to her and it was a pretty big talk where I let her know everything that I'm feeling about this. I also told her that this is harder on me because I didn't have a best girl friend lined up that I could just swing into another relationship. She kind of uses him to fill that void of loneliness. She told me that there is a certain degree of loneliness to having someone there, but having it be inadequate. And I think that's why she is good at separating her feelings for me from whatever it is that is going on out there. Anyways, she got pretty angry at me for the way I got the information, although this is an entire different topic and was out of my control. People think she is using that as a way of getting mad at me. Essentially turning around the spotlight on her from doing something that is not the classiest. So, things kind of ended there. Her saying that as long as I understand why she is angry and if I want to maintain a relationship with her, then there is no need to talk about this anymore. Despite all of this, she still says things like, "I know you to be someone I still want in my life" and "I think we are mature enough to get over this stuff, but there is an easy way and a hard way". I have kind of come to the understanding that this isn't a healthy relationship for me. She has this romantic idea of if people are meant to be together, they will end up together. And I genuinely believe she cares about me a lot and has feelings for me, but she wants to see what else is out there. She still wants to meet up with me in the next couple of weeks. Not sure how to deal with this. Do I send her an email essentially saying "I dont think we should talk anymore"? Or do I just act more distant and eventually stop taking her calls and messages? Or should I just act friendly and normal, but obviously adjust to my new understanding of the situation? I also have questions in general about what she is feeling. It's hard for me to fathom that if you loved someone as much as she says, that you would be willing to take the chance to lose them. What does this say about her love? Is it as genuine as she makes it out to be? How should I feel in this situation? I care about her and she cares about me, but I feel kind of like a doormat if I ever were to allow her to come back to me. The whole seeing if the grass is greener or having her cake and eating it too. It's just so sad to see where our relationship has gotten to. She has such an ideal outlook of the future and life. It's also a way for her to remove herself from any of that responsibility. But, I understand that if she can't love me 100% on her own, then we shouldn't be together. I'd appreciate all advice.
Author myhotrod123456789 Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 bump. Nobody has opinions on how they might feel in this situation or what I should do at this point?
Co-D Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 bump. Nobody has opinions on how they might feel in this situation or what I should do at this point? Sounds like she is trying to have her cake and eat it too. If someone told me that they hoped I didn't fall in love and get married because they would have felt like they missed their chance, I would say tough S**T. She's made the decision not to be with you so all you are letting her do is hold you back by hanging on to the crumbs she is throwing you. My ex (we were together 7 years) did the same thing in that he did have a parnter waiting in the wings like a vulture. After all his rants about wanting his freedom and needing to spend time on his own to sort himself out, he moved in 2 weeks after our breakup with his new SO. I think your ex is right when she says if people are meant to be together it will happen so why try and force it? My advice to you is to start living like you are never going to get back together with her. If it happens there's alot of work, if it doesn't happen at least you wouldn't still be living in a state of limbo. No, I wouldn't send her an email or a text or a smoke signal saying "I don't think we should talk anymore" just don't talk anymore. NC means NO CONTACT of any kind. I understand you have lots of questions about how she's feeling, but who cares how she's feeling? These questions may never be answered and if they are you will never be satisfied with the answers. You should be the most important person in your life right now. Focus on yourself. For myself, I have placed the focus on body, mind and spirit and am learning to be independent again, in fact learning heaps about myself. It does get easier as time goes on. Everytime you start wondering about what she's doing, who she's doing it with, or sending her a message, bring the focus back to your life. It takes practice and will power but it's worth it for the sense of wholeness that is the reward!
confucious Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 You are confused about how she is feeling towards you - she holds things against you, encourages you to see other people and is seeing someone else herself. You are not even sure why you broke up so I assume she did the breaking. Your confusion comes simply from the fact she is still telling you all sorts of wonderful things, but look at the above again. "Actions speak louder than words" is a massive cliche for a very good reason - it is absolutely true. Look to her actions, not her words - Women (and men I suppose) can use words to great effect. This is a very hard lesson to learn for some - we all assume people are like us...I personally cannot/do not tell someone I love them if I don't really feel it. I do not smother them in endearing terms and phrases unless I truly FEEL it. Some people, however, can say these things as easily as they super size thier Big Mac meal. Lame, I know, but true!! Look to her actions - don't listen to honeyed words - and let her know you need awhile of NC. Let her know you'll call her when you feel you can continue the kind of relationship she is trying to force on you. We never have to conform to what our partners/exes want us to, especially if it is too much to ask. So don't, you will feel so much better, back in control and empowered again!! Good luck!
HGP Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 She still wants to meet up with me in the next couple of weeks. Not sure how to deal with this. Do I send her an email essentially saying "I dont think we should talk anymore"? Or do I just act more distant and eventually stop taking her calls and messages? Or should I just act friendly and normal, but obviously adjust to my new understanding of the situation?I'm assuming you want to be with her and not date other people. She doesn't want that for whatever reason. I've always found the best way to deal with it is to tell her straight up that friendship isn't an option. She either wants you or she doesn't. If you let her have it her way it's at your expense.
Author myhotrod123456789 Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 Thank you for all your responses. I guess I didn't make it that clear in my original post. It has become very clear to me what she wants... and that's fine. I can't force her into a relationship and even if I could, it would never last. She doesn't feel comfortable with the amount of experience she has to be able to commit to me forever. I have had the same doubts. She was my first very serious girlfriend and when things got hard, I wondered also if it made sense to commit myself to my first serious companion. It's hard when you are in your mid-20s like me to say 'I will never regret not being with more girls'. I don't want to 50 and realize I missed out on something. So, that I understand. And I understand she still loves me and doesn't want to lose me and all that. The friend issue is something I need to deal with, but I am definitely going to limit contact. The difference here is that I never wanted to go through with a break up because I feel like once you set that precedent in a relationship of quitting when things get hard, it is incredibly hard to go back. She seems to have the opinion that if we realize that we are perfect for eachother after this experience, then it'll solidify the bond of our relationship enough to carry us out the rest of our lives. But to me, I feel like I will always remember the hurt that this caused me and her not being there for me... and essentially her being like "I know what you are all about... and I'm not sure if it's for me, so let me see what else is there and I'll get back to you". I don't know, it just seems like there is too much resentment and negative feelings that arise from a breakup to make her outlook seem plausible. Would you guys/gals agree with me or her on this issue? Can these types of feelings be forgotten or mended after a large amount of time?
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