classicgirl4 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 You know that game that you play in the beginning of relationships? The one where you pretend to be less vulnerable than you really are because you really like the person. You are confident and independent. Its not a bad idea, I mean you're just getting to know the person. As you continue to date and truly fall in love with one another you want to give yourself completely to the other, but you can't. The game goes on and on. Because the second you show how much you care, you lose that independence, and suddenly the qualities that were so attractive are gone. And you have to play a game to keep the other interested; your have to play coy, you have to keep your distance to stay close. My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year now, and I am a fairly independent girl. I am a med student, I work, I have a life besides my boyfriend. But lately, he says I am not as independent as I used to be. I always let him make the moves in the beginning, and now I would say its 50-50, from calling to initiating sex, to talking about big issues. I guess he says that I am putting myself out there too much, and worrying too much about him. Is this simply a want to change my behavior to what it used to be? Is he just looking for the chase again? He is just as busy as me, and just as stressed, is it just a way of saying back off while Im stressed and busy, or something else? Thanks for reading the long post.....any thoughts are welcome.... -sick of the game
CinderellaElla Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I understand exactly about what you mean about playing the game. In my opinion, maybe you arent as independent as he says, it doesnt mean you arent as much, it is the fact that since you been together you are caring for him. Caring for him is fine, it's life, but I think he thinks that maybe you arent as independent because of that and you are calling him more and trying to initiate sex, and by telling him issues, he feels that is loss of independence. In a way yeah it would be a little less independence, because you are depending on him more for advice, but he is also your boyfriend and should try and support your needs. Especailly since you have been dating for a while now. I would bring this to his attention and talk it over with him. Ask him why he thinks you arent as independent? And ask him how he is feeling. In the end you have to decide what you want. Just be yourself, because you cant and should never change for a man. Also you both are stressed? Maybe that could be another reason. I'm not so sure about him wanting to find a chase again, games usually die down after awhile, then again i was in one for 3 years... The only person who can really do something is yourself and you will know what to do when the time is right because it's a feeling from within. I hope i helped you in some way or another. Thanks, CinderellaElla
norajane Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 If my bf told me I wasn't as independent as I used to be, I'd tell him that I'm not as single as I used to be. Can you ask him what he meant when he said you weren't as independent as you used to be? That's pretty vague, and it could mean anything to him. You could back off on initiating calls, dates, and sex and see if that changes his view. Or you could go all the way and start dating other people and see if that makes him think you're independent. Or anything in between. See what I mean? He's not being clear. People in relationships certainly remain individuals, but they are also a couple, and therefore cannot remain as independent as they used to be...if they did, they wouldn't be a couple.
ddnnee Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 maybe he is pushing for a fwb relationship. he wants to be totally independent while u gain your total independence as well while gaining the benefits of a couple.
Poboy Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 you are loosing a game you should have never played... i never understood why people have to play games to try to get someone or appear different then they are ... over time , you self comes out more and more in the open and then the other person realises you are not what you were when they met and problems begin. then again , whats the real issue you have in this relationship ... just the fact he said something or more that that ?
Woggle Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I have always layed my cards on the table in every relationship. I am not one to play a role because you can't keep it up forever and this way the man she sees from the start is the man I am.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 If my bf told me I wasn't as independent as I used to be, I'd tell him that I'm not as single as I used to be. Can I get an "Amen!" ? What does he expect?? You've been together a YEAR! The games should be long over. You shouldn't have to pretend with him for any longer than the first couple months, at the absolute longest. There's no way I could be in a relationship that long and continue with those head games.
confucious Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Nora Jane - as always you come through with succinct and excellent advice!!! My two cents - you should not have to play any games at all in a relationship...at least not after the initial "falling" stage. You should also not have to censor yourself - ie: stop from calling, not initiate sex/cuddling, or refrain from saying I love you whenever you want. What this does is make you feel powerless, as if your loving and cherishing your partner is wrong. It is NOT!! If you are made to feel as though it IS wrong, or begin to feel you have to tone things down to be acceptable to him, perhaps you need to think about leaving to find someone who THRIVES on your love and embraces all you have to offer. I recently left a girl I love because she was TOO independent...I realized while that may be fine for some, I need more and I will find it someday. I gueess what I am trying to say is you need to be able to be yourself, unconstrained and free... On the flip side - perhaps he just hopes you'll find a hobby/interest besides him?? Perhaps it is a good idea?? Just throwing ideas out. Good luck!!
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