blackenedESP Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I've basically been with my girlfriend for 4 1/2 years, we've had our rough times, breakups, etc... She had cheated on me a couple years back and it seems like ever since, she hasn't been nearly as sexual. You would think i'd be the one a little eh about things after she was with someone else. She says i'm sexy, i'm hot, etc... all the time randomly, but there's no action behind it. Whenever we fool around, I always have to go to her, she never comes to me. I'd be nice for her to come to me every once in a while u know? Show some interest. It just bugs me why she's gotten like that. I've asked her about it numerous times before, i just get "i don't know". The obvious thought would be maybe she's just not attracted to me anymore but like i said, she always comments me. Anybody?
polywog Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Are you possibly still punishing her for cheating? I mean, making her feel like she can never make up for it? I mean, maybe not on purpose, but maybe she can feel your resentment? I'm just guessing. Have you asked her why she is acting this way in such a way that she can feel safe to answer you honestly? Just a thought.
Author blackenedESP Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Well, i guess in a way i can make her feel like she can't. I was a lot worse with it before she cheated actually. After she did, i guess i learned to not care about it as much. Whatever happens, happens. No sense in worrying about it all the time if i can't stop it, u know? If i find out about something, i find out. Until then, i don't worry about it. When i have asked her about it, yeah i'd say i was very easy with it. I told her whether it's good or bad, she can tell me. I just want to know so we can get it straightened out.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 ur first mistake was taking her back after she cheated..ok i know thats kind of obvious. she may feel real guilty for cheating still and weird about the relatiosnhip. i mean things are going to change in a relationship after one person cheats, so maybe she is unconsciously acting this way because of some underlying reason. ur best bet is to just ask her about it and tell her to give u an honest answer..what were her reasons why she cheated on u? and why did u take her back?
Author blackenedESP Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 i don't regret taking her back to be honest, other than her never seeming to be in the mood, i still like being with her. we have a good time, fun, laugh, all that stuff. i've tried asking her numerous times what's going on, to talk to me about it so we can get it straightened out. not to worry about whether it's good or bad in her mind, if i'm gonna freak out or not. i just keep getting "i don't know". i don't know how else i can approach her about it, it's hard to make any progress with it when it's always "i don't know". unless i start phishing ideas out there, see if she'll bite on one and talk a little bit. according to her, her reasons for cheating on me were, take a wild guess, "i don't know". she tells me she made a mistake, she regrets it, she wishes she never did it. she absolutely hates thinking about it and if i bring it up. by that, i would assume she really does just wanna forget about it and is upset with herself for doing it. i personally think she did it because she likes attention, she likes knowing guys other than me want her. a month ago or so, she seemed to stress wanting guy friends, specifically guy friends. i told her i don't care about her having friends, but when she targets guys, that kinda got to me. i told her they won't stay friends, most of the time they never do. she happens to work with a bunch of guys in their early-mid 20's. 1 of the guys she was talking to ended up making a bet with some of the others that he could get her into bed one night. as far as i know, she told him the only bed shes getting into is mine and i haven't heard his name since. there was another one, that she would drop off at his house a couple times because he had no car. one night he was piss drunk and was trying to figure out a lie to get her to come in his house. as far as i know, she never did and she stopped talking to him. she just wants to forget about what happened and do what she wants. she'll go out with people from work (again, majority of guys), and drink. then expect me to just sit back and say sure i have no problem with that. with what she has done, i don't understand how she can expect me to do that u know?
Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 u dont trust her..how can u be in a relationship with somone u dont trust? this is why taking cheaters back also comes back to haunt u. u say u dont regret it, but u dont let her hang out with guys for fear she'll cheat on u. there is something wrong with that picture.
Author blackenedESP Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 i don't FULLY trust her, no. it's not just the fear of her cheating, i just don't want to know a guy has even attempted to make a move on her. it's more of that, then her cheating. i trust her a hell of a lot more than i trust guys around her. but she's been good for a while now, i like being with her. i mean, it'd be different if she was constantly screwing around u know? but she cheated on me...i guess it's 2 years ago now, since then, the only thing that really happened is this guy friend stuff which nothing happened. so no, at this point i don't regret taking her back because the past 2 years have been great. i'm sure i'm not the only guy that doesn't like knowing his girlfriend is around guys. i know i'm not. i appreciate the thoughts about it but i just want some help on how i can solve the sex thing. i just want her to get into the mood and show some interest, that's all. we'll mess around but i'm always the one that starts it. it'd just be nice to see how put a little effort forth, u know?
daterhater Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 I can relate to her. I do the same to my boyfriend and I don't know why.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 ur still not over the cheating. and what u cant understand is that i'm sure the problem her not initiating sex is because of her cheating. u know her best, but obviously there was trust lost, and that can have a great effect on ur relationship, especially the sexual part of it. of course it might be totally unrelated to cheating. if u tried talking to her and it didnt do any good, than maybe try something else..dont initiate sex for awhile and see what she does. maybe she'll want it now that she isnt getting any and make a move. she may just think that since u always pursue her she doesnt have to do any work. this of course might not work, but its worth a try if nothing else has worked.
Author blackenedESP Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 no i can see how it can and most likely is connected to her cheating because it started at the same time. i was just wondering if there were any more suggestions through talking. waiting her out won't be easy for me ha but i guess i can give it a try. it'll be a long wait ha. i don't understand how people can do things and not know why haha. with her and daterhater(no offense). it doesn't necessarily have to always make sense but there's a reason why u do everything, at least i always felt that way. i can't recall anything i did or refrained from doing without reason.
stevranger Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Hello friend, The lack of sexual contact has formed two theories in my mind: Maybe she is sleeping around behind your back. That is something to consider, especially since she's done it at least once to you (that you're aware of). The second theory is that she is only with you because she feels guilty with what she did and feels like she "owes" it to you to stay with you. Of course, the second theory might lead into the first one, where she's only with you to lessen the guilt she may feel for cheating on you (and getting caught), but is still sleeping around, albeit more discretely. I know these are negative theories but it's something you have to consider. Cheers! - Steve
Author blackenedESP Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Yeah those thoughts have crossed my mind. As for her sleeping around behind my back, she pretty much doesn't have any time to. If she's not at work or at school, she's with me basically. There will be one or two times during a whole month that she would go out with people from work for a couple hours. Other than that, she's almost always with me. Unless she's doing quickies at work or school for over 2 years, i just don't see it, u know? Her being with me out of guilt, i don't see that either. We have had a couple arguments in the past 2 years and i've brought up the idea that maybe we need some time apart, see other people. If she was with me out of guilt, that would have been her way out u know? She never wanted to, she said she loves me and wanted to be with me. The guilt thing just, i mean yeah it could be possible, but it just doesn't seem likely by the way she acts and handles things. I don't know. Seeing how she started getting like that right after she cheated on me, it just makes sense that it's related to that in some way. Maybe i'll talk to her about it and throw that idea out there, see what she says.
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