Kamille Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Long story short: I was still holding out a flame for a guy who ripped my heart out in September. We were starting to date, the connection was great and that's when his ex-girlfriend decided that she had changed her mind, she was still lin love with him, she wanted him back. You know, that ex-girlfriend, the only woman he could imagine himself ever being with ever. The One. So he left me to go back to her and it was a really tough pill to swallow but I had ignored a bunch of red flags (such as the fact he talked about her on our first date) and obviously the timing was all skewed since he was trying to tell himself he was over her but wasn't. REBOUND. But I couldn't get him out of my head. The only thing that made sense to me was that he would come back to me. Well as Fourth Chances would have it, this one didn't work out. We both move a lot so we were no longer in the same city. A little bit before Christmas, exactly at the moment when I was doing much better about the whole thing, he started writing more often and for awhile we were chatting frequently. And then suddenly, nothing. He came on-line yesterday and started a chat. We chatted awhile and he eventually came out with : i met a really cool girl last week. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach and fortunately my boss made an afterhours call because of some work emergency so I had the perfect reason to sign off. Since then wow! I am experiencing strong feelings of freedom! That is actually what I needed to hear to finally move on. That he wasn't coming back. And suddenly it's like I have lucidity glasses on and I can see that we were not meant to be together. I finally accept it and I finally think that if he ever wants me back, he'll have to work for it.
Am4Real Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Kamille, I sense you have other emotions that perhaps need to be let out -- its okay to vent here if you feal the need. If you are truly on your way to freedom and felling great then congratulations. BTW, the guy sounds like a jerk for rubbing his searches for love in your face, twice. He may be feeling you out for a reaction though, be careful to keep your distance from that trap unless it is what you secretly desire. Keep your chin up. Am4Real
Author Kamille Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Lol am4real thank you. You are right I did need to vent and vent i did! I wrote him a vent email which I did not send. I am starting to feel like i,m getting my power back. Yesterday's chat actually confirmed that he is a loser. My first reaction when he walked away, back in spetember, was to think : What an idiot! But then, since i generally avoid thinking people are idiots, I told myself surely it all made sense to him and tried and tried and tried to move on. Fact is, yesterday in the chat, he was actually whining about his life and all I could think was dude, where the hell do you find the time to mope around? I thought he was being extremely self-centred aaaahhhhh. I deserve so much more. what a great feeling.
justagirlforever Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Since then wow! I am experiencing strong feelings of freedom! That is actually what I needed to hear to finally move on. That he wasn't coming back. And suddenly it's like I have lucidity glasses on and I can see that we were not meant to be together. Wow Kamille - you go girl! I know that feeling so well. It's awesome I finally accept it and I finally think that if he ever wants me back, he'll have to work for it. However - I've come to realise I don't even want this. I wrote him a vent email which I did not send. I am starting to feel like i,m getting my power back. I deserve so much more. what a great feeling. I also wrote my ex a very long letter just before I left to go on holiday over Christmas. But never gave it. I still have it sealed and he'll never see it. It's a wonderful feeling. Keep it going and don't look back
Am4Real Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I am starting to feel like i,m getting my power back. 1/31/07 Hi Kamille, You mention "power" but I want you to think of it in another term and that is "control". His manipulative style and practice seems indicative of "power", but your focused analysis and willful separation from this person and his behavior is "control". Power will almost always succumb to control in the same way rock does to paper [highlight](I know dumb analogy, but you know what I mean).[/highlight] Power in relationships is a negative trait whilst control is absolutely admirable. Bottom line, you're in control right now and in great shape -- do not succumb to his desire for power. All the best, Am4Real
Author Kamille Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Thanks justagirl and Am4Real, Your words are very punctual. Justagirl I reworded and actually sent him the email because I had had enough of his childish behaviour. I now feel like maybe I shouldn't have done that but I told him stuff that I had been holding back for awhile. Basically i told him to stop whining, look up, look around and get his act together. Meaning, also, I am not the one to turn too if all you've got to do is complain. So Am4Real - I read and reread your post in light of what happened after I sent the email. In the past, anytime I would voice an opinion he pulled back so I thought for sure this email would do it and break contact forever. I think you are right in stating that it is about control because this time, the one time I finally sent a 'screw this' email, he got a hold of me as soon as possible, on msn, to discuss the email. Which he thanked me for sending saying he probably needed as swift kick in the butt but also went on to say that he couldn't help but feel that I was 'bitter' and that I was 'projecting' myself into the letter. I was stunned and said 'who knows maybe I am bitter -after all we have a weird history, and of course I can only speak from my own life experience but I hardly think I am projecting anything'. At the end of the chat we kind of both felt that it had been productive but I've had a very weird queasy feeling since then. It strikes me today how much this was about him staying in control. Well he can have all the imagined control he wants too. Enough bull****. He needs to grow up. Now I self-diagnose myself and prescribe NC. Which will be hard. If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, please let me know.
Am4Real Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 So Am4Real - I read and reread your post in light of what happened after I sent the email. In the past, anytime I would voice an opinion he pulled back so I thought for sure this email would do it and break contact forever. I think you are right in stating that it is about control because this time, the one time I finally sent a 'screw this' email, he got a hold of me as soon as possible, on msn, to discuss the email. Which he thanked me for sending saying he probably needed as swift kick in the butt but also went on to say that he couldn't help but feel that I was 'bitter' and that I was 'projecting' myself into the letter. I was stunned and said 'who knows maybe I am bitter -after all we have a weird history, and of course I can only speak from my own life experience but I hardly think I am projecting anything'. At the end of the chat we kind of both felt that it had been productive but I've had a very weird queasy feeling since then. It strikes me today how much this was about him staying in control. Well he can have all the imagined control he wants too. Enough bull****. He needs to grow up. Now I self-diagnose myself and prescribe NC. Which will be hard. If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, please let me know. Hey Kamille, How are you this morning. It's early here in Florida and I'm up already. It's going to be a long day...but I sense a good day for us both! Remember where you were first introduced, courting, dating, whatever….not necessarily this person but anyone from the past or even present? Everything was new…you were analyzing the situation, the person, your feelings; you were in “control” of yourself and your decision making. Remember all of that? After a break up it is very hard if not impossible to instantly go back to that state, especially when a split couple is talking/interacting for whatever reason (good or bad) and are trying to understand what is happening or understand their feelings. This is true even when they might be considering reconciliation or heaven forbid there is a third party involved adding more spice to the complications of comprehension and perhaps forcing a choice by one person. My point here is that a couple has much history and feelings which form the basis for a lot of things. When this “history” helps contribute to glossing over or skipping the steps I describe in the first paragraph what is really happening is the surrender of “control” to a decision by the heart or an emotion, or as we spoke about before it could be the surrender of a well thought out decision or analysis to another’s influence or “power”. Do you know what I mean? Do you believe it? If you can go VERY slowly at this stage, remember how it was in the beginning how carefully you likely examined this individual or a new person before the first date, the second date, subsequent dates and maybe a committed relationship. Get yourself back to that stage of examination and analysis with your head and not your heart if you can. A good talk or an IM session is probably a satisfaction for your feelings more so than this interaction is as a basis for a decision (my opinion). Going slow helps you to stack many conversations together…and then deciding on what is best (read: control). [highlight]What do you have to lose – nothing – what do you have to gain – control![/highlight] Best of luck and {{hugs}} in your efforts, Am4Real
Author Kamille Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Hey Kamille, How are you this morning. It's early here in Florida and I'm up already. It's going to be a long day...but I sense a good day for us both! Remember where you were first introduced, courting, dating, whatever….not necessarily this person but anyone from the past or even present? Everything was new…you were analyzing the situation, the person, your feelings; you were in “control” of yourself and your decision making. Remember all of that? After a break up it is very hard if not impossible to instantly go back to that state, especially when a split couple is talking/interacting for whatever reason (good or bad) and are trying to understand what is happening or understand their feelings. This is true even when they might be considering reconciliation or heaven forbid there is a third party involved adding more spice to the complications of comprehension and perhaps forcing a choice by one person. My point here is that a couple has much history and feelings which form the basis for a lot of things. When this “history” helps contribute to glossing over or skipping the steps I describe in the first paragraph what is really happening is the surrender of “control” to a decision by the heart or an emotion, or as we spoke about before it could be the surrender of a well thought out decision or analysis to another’s influence or “power”. Do you know what I mean? Do you believe it? If you can go VERY slowly at this stage, remember how it was in the beginning how carefully you likely examined this individual or a new person before the first date, the second date, subsequent dates and maybe a committed relationship. Get yourself back to that stage of examination and analysis with your head and not your heart if you can. A good talk or an IM session is probably a satisfaction for your feelings more so than this interaction is as a basis for a decision (my opinion). Going slow helps you to stack many conversations together…and then deciding on what is best (read: control). [highlight]What do you have to lose – nothing – what do you have to gain – control![/highlight] Best of luck and {{hugs}} in your efforts, Am4Real Thanks Am4Real. I hope your day is going as good as mine. I am feeling very liberated in many ways. Yesterday I finished an intense 6 months work contract that took up all my attention and had me feeling scatterbrained. I started this contract at the time the relationship ended so it feels interconnected somehow. I think I understand what you are saying about control. The thing about this guy is that he left precisely at the time when my 'examination' of him was tipping over in his favor. So one of the things I don't know but am starting to feel to be true is whether or not the stunt he pulled on me is characteristic of who he is (a drama-driven individual with ego-issues) or just the result of a very complex and intricate story in his life. And the conversations we have had after the break up, and especially this latest one, lead me to lean towards the first interpretation more then the second. The fact is, this latest exchange disqualifies him. And makes me realize he should have been disqualified the second he walked away from me. So I do feel like I am gaining control. I actually blocked him on my messengers. I wonder why it took me so long to get there though. That's something I have to figure out for myself but if anyone on LS wants to help, they're free to chime in.
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