ALTTITUDE Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I am trying to understand the life and thoughts of the OW. How do you feel knowing your Boyfriend is another woman's husband?
lovernotafighter Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Blagh blagh blagh blah Blah, blagh. does that answer your question?
erika2610 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Blagh blagh blagh blah Blah, blagh. does that answer your question? Good answer, good answer. Altitude, why do you want to know? There are literally hundreds of posts on this subject. But, while I was with my now ex-MM, knowing he had a W didn't bother me so much at first, but then I started feeling pretty ****ty about it. Especially after I met her. I guess I was just naive when I entered into the affair..
bellababygirl Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 My MM I met on a singles site...he said he was unmarried, no children and 41 years old. It wasnt until well into the relationship, and a pregnancy due this summer, did I find out he is married, has several children (mostly graduated from college) and is 61 not 41. By that time it was too late. My emotions were involved...I am in love with him...and as far as his wife goes...well, I just try not to think about it. I am sure it would destroy her as his lies did me...but I am sure she loves him as I do... So, what does one do? I feel confused, conflicted, and most of all vulnderable. What is worse...I know I was not his first affair on his wife.
frannie Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I am trying to understand the life and thoughts of the OW. How do you feel knowing your Boyfriend is another woman's husband? ooh... are you writing a book..? How do I feel about him being married to someone else? I feel it's very inconvenient for both of us. I feel that it's a huge obstruction to us having a full relationship. I feel that she deserves more, and basically all three of us do. That's probably about it, unless you have any questions that are more specific.
PoshPrincess Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 There's a question! I am one of the selfish OW who knew he was married when we started seeing each other as we were friends first. I thought it would be just a fling (although it was a PA in the full sense) and didn't for one minute think we would fall in love. I guess I blocked his W out of my mind in a way, until she found out, that is. Once she had call me she became real, if you know what I mean, and that's when I started to feel really guilty, although still didn't finish it, I am ashamed to say. Yes, I was stupid enough to believe that he was going to leave. I felt a lot more guilty about the affect it could (and did have) on his kids. I am not proud of this - I'm just being 100 per cent honest. Incidentally, I never felt jealous of W which is weird as I am normally quite jealous person. I totally believed that I was the one he loved which is probably why, I guess. I only feel jealous of her now that she has him and I don't but what else could I expect?
erika2610 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 There's a question! I am one of the selfish OW who knew he was married when we started seeing each other as we were friends first. I thought it would be just a fling (although it was a PA in the full sense) and didn't for one minute think we would fall in love. I guess I blocked his W out of my mind in a way, until she found out, that is. Once she had call me she became real, if you know what I mean, and that's when I started to feel really guilty, although still didn't finish it, I am ashamed to say. Yes, I was stupid enough to believe that he was going to leave. I felt a lot more guilty about the affect it could (and did have) on his kids. I am not proud of this - I'm just being 100 per cent honest. Incidentally, I never felt jealous of W which is weird as I am normally quite jealous person. I totally believed that I was the one he loved which is probably why, I guess. I only feel jealous of her now that she has him and I don't but what else could I expect? Wow. I could have written that whole post myself. Right down to the phone call, and it becoming real.
addicted2love Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I got the phone call from the W too. How did you girls handle it and what happend w/ your MM after?
addicted2love Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I understand that a BS needs answers and this is a place to vent and get an objective opinion. However I've often thought about starting my own thread on the marriage an infidelity boards asking BS's "What would you do if you found out your H was actually in love with the OW?" "Would you still want to be married to someone who's heart wasn't totaly yours?" I haven't done this yet because I know I would just get flamed. Yet we offer honesty and sometimes comfort to the BS's that post on this board. Has anyone else ever pondered this double standard? The more BS's that come on asking us how we can be with another womans H etc. The more I want to put that question to them. Only seems fair that we should ask them to answer our questions honestly too right? And please don't think I'm making light of how the BS feels and her need for asking these questions. I've been a BS (3 times) so I understand the need for enlightenment. But truly if my H's A's had been about emotions and not just sex I would have kicked his a** to the curb.
erika2610 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I got the phone call from the W too. How did you girls handle it and what happend w/ your MM after? I didn't handle it very well. He had me in his phone under "Bob". I called his cell, not knowing the lieface had left his phone at home. She called me back and asked if a Bob lived here. I felt so bad. Like PP *hehe* said, it just became that much more real. I said "You should talk to your husband". She asked "What?", and I said it again. He wasn't too pleased the next time I saw him, as he had then gotten caught. She signed them up for MC, and he went as far as I know. So he had MC in the afternoon, and me at night.
noforgiveness Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I understand that a BS needs answers and this is a place to vent and get an objective opinion. However I've often thought about starting my own thread on the marriage an infidelity boards asking BS's "What would you do if you found out your H was actually in love with the OW?" "Would you still want to be married to someone who's heart wasn't totaly yours?" I haven't done this yet because I know I would just get flamed. Yet we offer honesty and sometimes comfort to the BS's that post on this board. Has anyone else ever pondered this double standard? The more BS's that come on asking us how we can be with another womans H etc. The more I want to put that question to them. Only seems fair that we should ask them to answer our questions honestly too right? And please don't think I'm making light of how the BS feels and her need for asking these questions. I've been a BS (3 times) so I understand the need for enlightenment. But truly if my H's A's had been about emotions and not just sex I would have kicked his a** to the curb. I think it's a fair question. Go for it. I'll answer it.
addicted2love Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I didn't handle it very well. He had me in his phone under "Bob". I called his cell, not knowing the lieface had left his phone at home. She called me back and asked if a Bob lived here. I felt so bad. Like PP *hehe* said, it just became that much more real. I said "You should talk to your husband". She asked "What?", and I said it again. He wasn't too pleased the next time I saw him, as he had then gotten caught. She signed them up for MC, and he went as far as I know. So he had MC in the afternoon, and me at night. Forgive me erika...but he continued with you after getting caught? Are you still seeing him?
noforgiveness Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I didn't handle it very well. He had me in his phone under "Bob". I called his cell, not knowing the lieface had left his phone at home. She called me back and asked if a Bob lived here. I felt so bad. Like PP *hehe* said, it just became that much more real. I said "You should talk to your husband". She asked "What?", and I said it again. He wasn't too pleased the next time I saw him, as he had then gotten caught. She signed them up for MC, and he went as far as I know. So he had MC in the afternoon, and me at night. You continued with him when you knew he was in marriage concelling? How did he con you to do that? How did he make you think your relationship had a chance when he was going to a professional with his wife. BOB:laugh: battery operated boyfriend.
erika2610 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Forgive me erika...but he continued with you after getting caught? Are you still seeing him? Yup.. he continued after getting caught. And no.. I'm happy to say I'm not seeing him anymore. When I look back at the affair, and the things I did, it just kinda disgusts me, and makes me wonder why I lowered myself to do those things. But.. live and learn I guess.
addicted2love Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 You continued with him when you knew he was in marriage concelling? How did he con you to do that? How did he make you think your relationship had a chance when he was going to a professional with his wife. BOB:laugh: battery operated boyfriend. If his wife signed them up for MC and he went along to just to make her happy and is still in love w/ OW there is nothing anyone can do to change how he feels...professional or other wise.
noforgiveness Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 If his wife signed them up for MC and he went along to just to make her happy and is still in love w/ OW there is nothing anyone can do to change how he feels...professional or other wise. Obviously but why would he waste his time if he knows he is in love with ow. you don't spend time and money on a professional if you are not going to attempt to accomplish something. Waste of time. You say hey wife i love ow we don't need to see a shrink.
erika2610 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 You continued with him when you knew he was in marriage concelling? How did he con you to do that? How did he make you think your relationship had a chance when he was going to a professional with his wife. BOB:laugh: battery operated boyfriend. Damn, I was about to go to bed, and you suck me back in, damn you. He told me he was just going to counseling to make her happy, and he totally didn't want to do it. He actually told me he realized how crappy he had been treating me, and he was going to change, and start treating me like I deserved to be treated. I believed all of it. It was my first "real relationship", well, not real, but you know what I mean. And I wanted so badly to believe it. Believe he was going to treat me better. Believe he couldn't stand her, and was going to leave. And believe I was the one who made him truly happy. Then I met BOB.
addicted2love Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Obviously but why would he waste his time if he knows he is in love with ow. you don't spend time and money on a professional if you are not going to attempt to accomplish something. Waste of time. You say hey wife i love ow we don't need to see a shrink. I totaly agree...that's the way it should be, however that is easier said than done. When it comes right down to it things are never that cut and dry. Not when there are kids, finances, history with W, extended family that would pass judgement for him walking out on W and kids. There are a lot more factors. I'm not saying it's right...not at all.
noforgiveness Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Damn, I was about to go to bed, and you suck me back in, damn you. He told me he was just going to counseling to make her happy, and he totally didn't want to do it. He actually told me he realized how crappy he had been treating me, and he was going to change, and start treating me like I deserved to be treated. I believed all of it. It was my first "real relationship", well, not real, but you know what I mean. And I wanted so badly to believe it. Believe he was going to treat me better. Believe he couldn't stand her, and was going to leave. And believe I was the one who made him truly happy. Then I met BOB. Bow down to BOB. Oh if only all men were as faithful and trustful as BOB. Always there. Always ready to make you happy. Scary what skilled liars these men and women in some cases can be.
PoshPrincess Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I got the phone call from the W too. How did you girls handle it and what happend w/ your MM after? Nightmare sitch obviously. I got the dreaded call at around 11.30 one night when I was in bed less than a week before Christmas. Initially, heart beating faster than anything, I told her she must have the wrong number and hung up. Gutless, I know, but I totally pannicked. Mad really that I wasn't expecting it considering. She tried calling again but I let it go to voicemail. She left me a message saying that she knew what was going on and that I was welcome to him (said in the heat of the moment no doubt). It wasn't till the next day that I heard exactly what had happened. To cut a v long story slightly shorter, she found a text on his phone from "John" in the middle of the night (sent much earlier but he had fallen asleep before he picked it up), and when he woke in the night she asked who John was. He told her it was someone from work and she asked, "Oh, do you do a lot of ********* with John then?" as the text was pretty explicit. Of course, he knew he was caught bang to rights and couldn't lie his way out of that one! He called me and explained what had happened and told me that he was still intending to be with me and that once Xmas was over he would leave but obviously couldn't leave beforehand as it would be worse for their teenage kids. He totally played down our A to his W, saying that it meant nothing, nothing happened other than kissing, etc, which I was a bit miffed about but he assured me it was only to protect the kids (she had told them everything). Two days after her call I received a text from her asking whether I had sex with him. I told her no (which was the truth) and left it at that. She promised she would leave me alone which she did, although I wouldn't blame her in the slightest if she hadn't. I regret this more than anything but we carried on the A for a few months after although, as you can imagine, we didn't see quite as much of each other as no doubt his pathetic lies wouldn't have washed with her once she knew what had happened. Circumstances made it impossible for him to leave in the end and we are now over. I still love him and miss him unfortunately, but I wouldn't want to go through that again for all the money in the world. As for the thread asking the BS why they stay with their WS knowing their heart is with another woman, I would be interested to hear their answers. Obviously my MMs W didn't know that he was in love with me so has taken him back on the assumption that our R was a meaningless affair, a mistake as an indirect result of their probelmatic M that will not happen again. As we have already established on LS, MM lie to BS, they lie to us, so maybe it did mean nothing. Maybe he WAS lying to me - I don't think so but then I guess I will never know the truth.
NoIDidn't Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 He called me and explained what had happened and told me that he was still intending to be with me... Posh, not picking on you or your post but it said something that I have often wondered about. I typically don't talk about my H the person as he is not here and it really is not my place to discuss his personal business (as far as our M is or criticizing him, I tell him those things myself). But I will add a little more info so someone can answer my question. D-day for me was finding emails to and from his co-worker (okay, searching for them, but I was convinced I would find nothing), and one text message on his phone from that very night saying something relatively explicit (he touched her apparently and she liked it). Either way, I confronted him and he denied nothing other than the fact that he loved her. I know my H. I know he was lying, but I let him think I was convinced. He told me he would stop being so friendly with her and that he would tell her that he was calling the whole thing off. Well, he told her that I found out but he wasn't ready to stop seeing or talking to her yet. This went on for another 3 weeks. My question is this: why keep talking to a guy that has told you that he is eventually going to stop talking to you - just not at his W's behest? Or were you not able to see that at the time because of high emotions going on? You know, the whole, he's picking me over her thing. Being flattered. (again, not an attack, I know both of those feelings very well myself) A year after the fact and I believe him when he says that he doesn't know WHAT he was thinking. He never has said a bad thing about her. Not once and I won't encourage him to. But he said without my asking one day that he knows for a fact that he didn't love her. He thought he did. But looking back, he knows he didn't.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Then I met BOB. Introduce BOB to the SM (aka Shower Massager), and together they can be your bestfriends!
Meredith63 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I HATED that my boyfriend was someone else's husband, it irked me to no end. I hated the fact that she had the right to call him on the phone, ask him for help, expect things from him. I guess I was not cut out to be an OW for long....
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 At first I didn't think about it. It was like a mist came over me, that he didn't return to his W and children after seeing me. After it became a PA (about 4 months in) I started to feel territorial although I never mentioned it to him. She eventually found a text from him to me and all hell broke loose. I had contact with her but far from being the quiet demure lady I was expecting (I couldn't imagine him with someone opposite to him) she was extremely angry, violent to him etc. She still is violent to him even though they are separated. I know she's angry, but thats what I have the most difficulty in accepting. I cant stand to see him with scratches, injuries over him. He believes "A man should be able to take it" which drives me nuts. In more direct answer to the question, at first I didn't think about it, I think I blocked it out. Now, since we feel more like a couple, it would drive me mad if I thought he was returning home to W. Insane, I know as he's not "mine". I've never been jealous about any other man in my life, but with him, I'm crazy!
hardknocks Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 OM reply. I'm sure its similar to OW that are in full blown romantic affairs. My answer is PRETTY DAMN CONFLICTED. You would have to know a little of the context. I was single. Started platonically. Never cheated or did anything wrong before, I was and still am known as 'the nice guy'. She was very much the same. After months of working together, I trusted her and she trusted me. We were friends. Good friends. We talked about everything and there was no intent in our relationship. In fact I thought she was going to set me up with her best friend - which I kind of wanted .. but.. ;-) I know it's a cliche after being on LS for the past 5 weeks - but she would tell me about her H's affair, and how it hurt her. How she wan't happy etc. I felt odd even telling her anything personal about me.. but I listenned to her and by all accounts she was/is a good and honerable person. I sympathised with her and she was visually sad. Soon she started looking to me for more than friendship. I rebuffed her on a few attempts - but somehow I started to fall for her. She genuinely seemed like she needed help and once she told me she loved me I believed her. It put me and I'm sure others in a very tough spot. Here you have somebody that asks you to trust them... and as a friend you have no reason really not to and as a person how do you turn you back on somebody that seems so sincere? The values of caring for a person versus honesty come into play. And it is VERY CONFLICTING. I've never had a woman look me in the eyes and say my name and then say that she wanted it all with me, that they wanted to marry me and have children with me, grow old and die together. She held me and stared directly into my eyes and said.. I promise. On many occasions. And of course, if it were true.. I would have said yes. It's a hard thing to walk away from. What can I say. I am a trusting person. I believed her. And I loved her so very much. She probably did to some extent too. A's are a twisted maze of thoughts and emmotions. A place I never thought I would be in. And something harder than anything I have ever gone through. But this is just one type - of the many types of affairs. For more understanding you should probably do a little reading. Believe it or not I just read a book called "Will he really leave her for me" - that was suggested to me by somebody on LS (thx!) -- All I had to do was replace the word "HE" with "SHE" .. well actually it was pretty damn confusing.. but! it is a good primer to the world of affairs. hope it helps.
Recommended Posts