candy Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 please tell me how to make your boyfreind see you need to be apriority in his life! BF has 2 kids on alternate weekends, a job with long hours, a dog, demanding mother, gym membership, etc. etc. i love him and he loves me, but we're dating almost 3 years and am still trying to get him to hire a baby-sitter one night when he has his kids, or make more time for me somehow. i have a life, i work and all, but really, anyone else with this problem??
emmaUK Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 dont think there is anything u can do 2 b honest. i been in similar situations .. even to the point where an ex said "im to busy for a GF really" if they want to spend more time then they will make time... otherwise no amount of reasoning will change things
bluechocolate Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 If hasn't been able to make the time in 3 years then I'd suggest that you go with the flow or find another man. btw - suggesting that he get a baby sitter when he has the kids on alternate weekends? That really is just not on.
stillafool Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 If hasn't been able to make the time in 3 years then I'd suggest that you go with the flow or find another man. btw - suggesting that he get a baby sitter when he has the kids on alternate weekends? That really is just not on. Ditto on this one! If a man wants to be with you he will definitely make the time. You wouldn't have to ask him. I can't really blame him for putting his children first.
Author candy Posted February 8, 2007 Author Posted February 8, 2007 why no baby-sitter when he has his kids?? saturday night, they're sleeping--he doesn't want me out with others, but I should be at home thinking of him, he's at home thinking of me and we can't go out? i don't think it's that unreasonable! kids shouldn't think they rule your world, they can see him having a social life when they're at his house, no?
Star Gazer Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 why no baby-sitter when he has his kids?? saturday night, they're sleeping--he doesn't want me out with others, but I should be at home thinking of him, he's at home thinking of me and we can't go out? i don't think it's that unreasonable! kids shouldn't think they rule your world, they can see him having a social life when they're at his house, no? He gets his kids only on alternate weekends and you expect him to leave them with a virtual stranger when he does have them to spend the time with you? He has the opportunity to see you 30-31 days a month, versus only 4 days with his kids. I think you're being VERY selfish in this regard.
luvtoto Posted February 8, 2007 Posted February 8, 2007 BF has 2 kids on alternate weekends, a job with long hours, a dog, demanding mother, gym membership, etc. etc. Seems as though some of us have plenty of excuses for our guy's shortcomings. But, what is happening here is we are selling ourselves very short. We are betting our love on his "potential". Some women will continue to put up with a guy that doesn't treat them very well on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes for months or years... Talk about a losing battle.
Author candy Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 i don't think it's selfish asking someone to get a baby-sitter (mother, sister, etc.)to watch his kids for a few hours while we have some couple time! his kids aren't infants, they'll be fine. he loves the fact i don't have or want kids of my own, but expects me to be thrilled and totally understanding with all the time and money his kids take up--isn't there some room for compromise??
nicki Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Why don't you simply go hang out with him once or twice on the weekends he has the kids? Go watch TV with them. You guys could take the kids to a movie, bowling, etc.... He's a package deal. Start loving the package, and be part of that package. You two actually have quite a lot of alone time together if you have alternate weekends to spend with each other. Do you also see him other days? I'm wondering (gently) if you are jealous of his time with the kids? Please support him in being a dad. He doesn't have much time with them and shouldn't have to make a special "alone" date with you on their time together -- unless he can't see you other weekends. (Then it's a question of balance to see you.) So, be part of the weekend with the kids. Think of things you can all do together, as well as giving him some alone time with the kids, too. It CAN be done!
luvtoto Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 OP, does he make you a priority on the days he doesn't have his kids??
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 i don't think it's selfish asking someone to get a baby-sitter (mother, sister, etc.)to watch his kids for a few hours while we have some couple time! his kids aren't infants, they'll be fine. he loves the fact i don't have or want kids of my own, but expects me to be thrilled and totally understanding with all the time and money his kids take up--isn't there some room for compromise?? You're acting as though he has his kids ALL the time - he doesn't!! He has the opportunity to see you ANY DAY of the entire month. He only has the opportunity to see his kids FOUR DAYS out of that month. More importantly, HIS CHILDREN only get to see their FATHER for FOUR DAYS a month. Look at what you're proposing from their eyes - they go over to dad's house to spend limited quality time with HIM, and although his time with them is so incredibly limited, he sends them over to a babysitter so he can spend time with his GF?? That's terrible. Your "couple time" should be any day other than those four days. Why can't you spend time together then? The fact that you don't want any kids of your own is clear, but makes me wonder how loving and such you are towards his children.......
luvtoto Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Your "couple time" should be any day other than those four days. Why can't you spend time together then? I think the problem here is, he isn't spending any of his time with her. She even used him having a dog and a gym membership as an excuse for him to not spend time with her. When he spends time with his kids, she feels resentful of that. She is getting neglected by him. OP, ya can't change his behavior. You just need a wake up call to the reality of your situation.
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Luvtoto: "...all the time and money his kids take up..." - that is what OP is complaining about. Four days? Yes, four days is what she's complaining about. She's bitter and resentful of his children, which is understandable because it sounds like she doesn't like kids that much in the first place because she has no interest in having any of her own. To the OP: He's a package deal. He comes with the kids - time with the kids, money spent on the kids. That is his life. If you don't like it, I'd suggest you find a childless-BF.
luvtoto Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Luvtoto: "...all the time and money his kids take up..." - that is what OP is complaining about. Four days? Yes, four days is what she's complaining about. She's bitter and resentful of his children, which is understandable because it sounds like she doesn't like kids that much in the first place because she has no interest in having any of her own. I'm sorry, Star Gazer. I see things differently. She stated that her BF has 2 kids on alternate weekends, PLUS a job with long hours, a dog, demanding mother, gym membership, etc. etc..... I've never had a BF who's dog got in the way of him spending time with me.
the_total_package Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 You have been in a relationship with this man for three years so by now, you should be included as part of the weekends when he has his kids. Maybe you aren't staying over, but you are a definite presence and the kids should know you and hopefully know you are an important part of their dad's lives, and since it has been 3 years in a relationship, there by now I assume is talk of going to the next level? Living together or engagement? Also I'm not saying she is there EVERY weekend with the kids, but even for events like Christmas, etc....much of the time, you should be invited to these things by now in a normal relationship because 3 years...well you should be serious now and he should be making you a part of his life in a big way. Also...the weekends without the kids, you should be spending the whole weekend together... For some reason he hasn't made you feel like you are a real part of his life. He doesn't seem to have made room for you. This is one of those instances where it's time to have a talk with him about your future. Because...do you want to wait until his kids graduate from high school to get engaged? I wouldn't. Possibly he feels like he doesn't want to do that to his kids, get married, but if that's true than he doesn't have that deep love for you that marriages are based on. Frankly, I would have been having a talk with him after a year if I was being treated like this, but have the talk and hear his reactions. If he makes comments like "I'm just really busy, my kids are number 1, etc." as excuses for the relationship not going to the next level, it is honestly time to move on. I think this is what luvtoto was getting at, she shouldn't be feeling this after 3 years with a guy. Yet, on the other hand, SG may have a point....candy, have you made efforts to warm up to his kids and get to know them? Maybe that is the issue. If you aren't a natural part of their weekends and invited over when he has his kids, it may be because your boyfriend senses you aren't comfortable around them. If on the other hand, he has not invited you over to get to know them and become a part of their lives, then he should have taken that step by now. In his position, if he loves his girlfriend and is for real about her, he has made efforts to plan events with his kids and you included and after 3 years you have also done your part of making efforts to develop relationships with his kids. So...it may be him not having made efforts to include you into his family, or maybe he has, but you haven't made efforts yourself to warm up to his kids and become a natural part of his family.
roxy_1980 Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 If he is in fact not making any time for you at all after 3 years, unfortunately he may be hopeless. If the real issue is in fact the kids, consider this: If his ex gets wind of the fact that he dumps the kids on family members on saturday nights, she may push to further limit his visits. (Note: most days get more than alternate weekends these days).
Author candy Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 the total package--good advice!! actaully, we do spend the whole weekend together when he deosn't have the kids, for th emost part. and i do spend some time with him and his kids, and am a part of their lives, holidays, etc. i think he would like me to spend more time with them, but honetly, wihtout a ring, why let them get so attached it we don't make it? they like me, and are comfortable with him having a girlfriend, as his ex-wife not only lives with another guy but has a baby with him! also, i have a life, so when i'm not with him a have an elderly parent to take care of, work, etc. just want a little more from him!
Author candy Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 also, i did forget to mention, besides the every other week-end, the real problem is EVERY FRIDAY!! if its his week-end with them he picks them up friday after school and takes them to shcool monday monring--thats plenty! and if it's not his week-end, he picks them up after school on firday and takes them home friday night. so that's a pain, no friday dates. maybe 2 times in 3 years. he is not neglectful, tries his best to spend time with me, but it doesn't seem enuf, which is why i push the baby-sitter idea.....
Author candy Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 and to roxy1980--his ex-wife is thrilled when he has the kids, i doubt she would limit his time wiht them...then she can be with the baby daddy and their kid.....but good theory--thanks!
Author candy Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 and nicki, i love your positive attitude towards my situation--thanks! when he asks if i like his kids, i say i do like them, i just resent them, harsh but the truth. cause without them, i'm sure things would be so different. it woud help if they were obnoxious but they are mostly sweet ( a boy and a girl...) i just feel he has to be more fleixible
Star Gazer Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 also, i did forget to mention, besides the every other week-end, the real problem is EVERY FRIDAY!! if its his week-end with them he picks them up friday after school and takes them to shcool monday monring--thats plenty! and if it's not his week-end, he picks them up after school on firday and takes them home friday night. so that's a pain, no friday dates. This makes me so sad. Not for you, but for him and his children. Are his kids really that much of a pain to you? I'd be a little more understanding if when he had his kids he completely shut you out, but you'd said that you spend lots of time with them, holidays included. So since you're not being shut out, it sounds as though you just don't like sharing him with his children?? Is that true? I don't have kids, but I have dated a single father who had sole custody of his two children. At times it sucked that I wasn't his #1, but that was HIS LIFE. They always came first, and quite frankly, if they didn't, I'd have lost respect for him as a man. Although I don't have children of my own and have never been married, I understand that husbands and wives with children necessarily have to "share" their spouse with the children. If you want to have a future with this man, somehow ya gotta figure out a way to find peace with sharing your BF with his children. They're not going anywhere...
Star Gazer Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I've never had a BF who's dog got in the way of him spending time with me. I have, but it was his hunting dog...the love of his life...and it got sick and ultimately pased. So sad.
Author candy Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 star gazer--his kids DON't bug me, I understand they're number one and want him sharing his life with me and them. but it's not just the kids...people us that as an excuse, like oh i have kids, everyhting must revolve around them. but when did it become that way? when i was growing up int he 70's our parents ruled the roost and we went along for the ride. his kids live with their mom, she gets paid nicely in child support, she has a BF living with them so there's always a man around. if he needs tobe with his kids that much, i suggested he sue for full custody, but he lieks the arrangement the way it is now. but that arrangement was made when the kids weren't even in school yet...now they have friends and actiivites and need to be home for that stuff. but he still acts like they're babies and can't realize times have moved on, hiskids are older, his ex is invloved, he has me,etc. etc. i'm just asking for a little fairness; on the weekends he doesnt have custody and sees me, he needs to see me to make upfor the other times, and if that includes not going to his "conference"or taking me with him, then so be it..i will not apologize for asking for what i want and think is fair.
Violet_Sky Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 that you resented his kids, and you told him so, and you admitted things would be so much better without his kids. That, in my opinion, is why he isn't doing what you are asking, because what you are asking is what a man does in a committed relationship and because he knows you aren't totally into the life with kids, he is not totally committing to you. I'm kind of confused because at your age, aren't you looking to get married? Because I am in my 30's, I wouldn't stick around for three years just as his girlfriend, I would be his wife by now. After about a year you should be at the point of discussing his intentions of a future with you. You have stuck around for 3 years, at this point, you are accepting what he is offering to you or out the door. My best advice is to have a talk with him, a serious one, and express what you want out of the relationship. If he can't give you what you want, then you really have to cut bait and move on.
Star Gazer Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 star gazer--his kids DON't bug me, I understand they're number one and want him sharing his life with me and them. but it's not just the kids...people use that as an excuse, like oh i have kids, everyhting must revolve around them. but when did it become that way? It should ALWAYS be that way. They say that when you have children, your whole life changes - and it should. It's no longer all about the adults - it IS all about the children. In your BF's eyes, they should ALWAYS come first above you. He is participating in RAISING them, and therefore their interests should come first. his kids live with their mom, she gets paid nicely in child support, she has a BF living with them so there's always a man around. So what, you want your BF to just step aside and allow another man to be their father figure?? if he needs to be with his kids that much, i suggested he sue for full custody, but he likes the arrangement the way it is now. but that arrangement was made when the kids weren't even in school yet...now they have friends and activities and need to be home for that stuff. but he still acts like they're babies and can't realize times have moved on, his kids are older, his ex is involved, he has me,etc. etc. The "arrangement" is good for him and his children. The "arrangement" doesn't need to be good for his GIRLFRIEND. And just because kids are school-age doesn't mean they have finished needing parenting, guidance, support, and TIME spent with them. i'm just asking for a little fairness; on the weekends he doesnt have custody and sees me, he needs to see me to make up for the other times, and if that includes not going to his "conference"or taking me with him, then so be it..i will not apologize for asking for what i want and think is fair. You're asking him to "make up for" spending time with his children? Sweetie, his "arrangement" isn't going to change. Like I've said, if you want a future with this man, you need to accept that THIS IS HIS LIFE. Take it or leave it. YOUR are NOT being FAIR to HIM or his children. As for the conference, I don't know ANY physician who takes along someone "for fun" to such conferences, and for you to even think he should forego it to "make it up" to you is just sooooo selfish. I really, really suggest you find a childless-man to be your SO because you are never going to be satisfied with this one.
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