norajane Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 When a woman gets out of a 22 year marriage, is it unreasonable for that person to want to have time to herself, and more importantly time to date? The feelings she has for me are still very strong, but she's told me that she'd regret jumping into a new relationship right away without giving herself time to go out and meet people. The thing is, you are not a new relationship that she'd be jumping into. She's been in a relationship with you for some time already. You've been her lover, her confidante, her strength, her support, her friend, her mate for a long time. You've been her boyfriend (for lack of a better word), for a while now. You were in a loving and serious relationship - and now she's setting you aside so she can see other people...why? To make sure her feelings for you are real? To make sure there isn't someone "better" out there for her? I can understand how she'd want some time on her own to get her head together after such a long marriage. I can understand how she might want to take it slow with you, so that she's not rushing into another marriage. But that's not really what she's doing. She's not taking time by herself. She's not taking things slow. She's putting you on hold so she can date other people - she's jumping into new dating relationships right away. Where is that time alone to clear her head? She's filling her time dating. That isn't time alone. How is that going to clear her head? If she does come around again, you might want to question why she's back. Was she unable to find someone else to date that she liked better? Is that who you want to be to her - the guy she's with because she crossed everyone else off the list first? I hope you are using this time to clear your own head, and to consider whether she is really the woman for you. Don't you want someone who feels as strongly about you as you do about her? People who are in love don't generally want to set that aside to date other people...not when they're in love, no they don't.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 She's not taking time by herself. She's not taking things slow. She's putting you on hold so she can date other people - she's jumping into new dating relationships right away. If she does come around again, you might want to question why she's back. Was she unable to find someone else to date that she liked better? Is that who you want to be to her - the guy she's with because she crossed everyone else off the list first? I hope you are using this time to clear your own head, and to consider whether she is really the woman for you. Don't you want someone who feels as strongly about you as you do about her? I think that you are 100% right on the money NJ... RG, protect yourself...
NoIDidn't Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Yep NJ She must think she's "letting him down easy".
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 If she does come around again, you might want to question why she's back. Was she unable to find someone else to date that she liked better? Is that who you want to be to her - the guy she's with because she crossed everyone else off the list first? Maybe she just needs to date and be free before settling down again into another serious relationship. And that's fine to do, but she HAS to be honest about her motives. Something just isn't sitting right...
norajane Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Maybe she just needs to date and be free before settling down again into another serious relationship. And that's fine to do, but she HAS to be honest about her motives. Something just isn't sitting right... If she weren't already in a serious relationship with RG, then I could understand, you know? That's the thing that bugs me about this. If she hadn't been with RG all this time, fine, get a divorce, date all you want. But she is putting him on hold. Either break up with RG and date other people, or be with RG and don't date other people. I don't know. I guess I'm expecting too much. She couldn't make up her mind to leave her H before getting into another relationship, so I guess I shouldn't expect her to leave RG before getting into other relationships. That may be who she is.
cbl Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 sorry but i beg to differ. if i were 46 years old, recently separated for divorce, and in a few years down the road i am planing to retire in a foreign country (italy) i would be careful who i would be dating, in a longer term. not just for my own sake, but also for his sake... RG is no stranger to this situation. now think about her. she lives in a million dollar house in the US. we don't know how much she'll get after divorce and she needs to have enough funds for retirement a few years later (unless she prefers working after retirement and make money to sustain her life style). let's say, RG's company has brach offices in either Milan or Rome and he successfuly get a job in either one of those two offices. Having the same level of lifestyle requires more money and living expenses in those two cities (or neighborhood) aren't cheap. what if she prefers to live in the villa in the countryside? ok again it should be not too far from where RG will work or it's not making sense getting together. so, RG needs a car. and pay all the expenses for the car. we all know how expensive it is to own a car in europe. and the time that's going to be spent on commute. now, they won't have kids. she wants to spend more time with RG and have vacations together. well italians do that. no one's literally working in july till almost september. and over the weekend, there'll be trips somewhere. keep in mind having vacations in italy isn't cheap either. who's going to pay for that? and she'll have her emotional needs for a man, after his work. so while she talks to him about things happening to her during the day, he might be thinking about work (and that happens in every family) back to job. and living in a foreign country. let's say RG speaks fluent italian for job requirement (i speak mid-level italian but i had such a hard time understanding them, even just for casual chats) and also let's assumine his current company is able to offer him a job with good prospects. he will socialize with those people just to fit in, to make his job easier. but he didn't grow up there so he has to make extra effort just to fit in (i am not talking about managing up, playing office politics, etc. i had been working overseas alone and i know how difficult it is) it's extremely stressful... not to mention, what if RG doesn't speak italian as fluently as it should be, and he doesn't like the job that he'll be offered? check out the unemployment rate in italy. and also no friends in a new place. just the MW. who will he talk to about those frustrations working overseas? i don't think MW will like the complaints at that point of time, IMO. so we are talking about the combination of stress from finance, working and living overseas, while at the same time adjusting and fulfilling each other's needs in a foreign country - the whole situation can be more than just "overwhelming". and no help from others. yes she might not be direct with RG for a few things. for some reasons that we won't know. but i am quite sure her feelings for him are real, just because she'd rather ask RG to go out dating with others (even before her separation, right?) to be fair for him, for their difference in age and plans for life. i suggest RG to look at the whole situations with the mind, less with the heart. i am sorry that i am not a believer for "love conquers all". how many people have gotten together because they love each other? many. and how many of them break off after a period of time just because things don't work out? still many. and as cruel as it is, it's called "facing the reality".
oyster Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 and oh, never hurt keeping your options open then keep in my she considers RatingGuy an "option". RatingGuy > why make someone a priority in your life when you are considered an option for them?
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Get over it. You got played and the best thing you can do is move on and accept. I will never understand how people who date a married person can feel hurt when they get played. Stick your hand in the piranha tank and expect for it to get bitten. this statement should be a sticky or disclaimer at the top of the OM/OW board.....ALL OW/OM need a dose of this truth...
Woggle Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 this statement should be a sticky or disclaimer at the top of the OM/OW board.....ALL OW/OM need a dose of this truth... Thank you. The truth hurts but if people want to improve their lives they need to face it.
MoonGirl Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 TMW and Woggle, I agree that most MM/OW and MW/OM situations end in disaster. Yet, there are a few that don't. But we are not here to discuss our opinions about OW/OMs dating married people. We are here to help ratigsguy deal with his situation. "I told you so" isn't going to help him at this point. I have no idea why you think it will!
Sup Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 There's a saying: If they will cheat with you, they'll cheat ON you.
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