ratingsguy Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Most of you guys know my story, which will help in answering this question... but even if you don't, consider this just a general question. When a woman gets out of a 22 year marriage, is it unreasonable for that person to want to have time to herself, and more importantly time to date? The feelings she has for me are still very strong, but she's told me that she'd regret jumping into a new relationship right away without giving herself time to go out and meet people. This is my biggest struggle right now because part of me understands and part of me doesn't... if that makes sense.
bluechocolate Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 When a woman gets out of a 22 year marriage, is it unreasonable for that person to want to have time to herself, and more importantly time to date? How could that possibly be unreasonable? It is perfectly reasonable and very sensible. I guess it could be seen as unreasonable if her reasons for ending the marriage were to be with you & she then changes her mind. However, even then I would argue that common sense has taken her over & she's come to realise that having some time being single is the right thing to do.
Woggle Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Get over it. You got played and the best thing you can do is move on and accept. I will never understand how people who date a married person can feel hurt when they get played. Stick your hand in the piranha tank and expect for it to get bitten.
noforgiveness Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Was she young when she got married? Has she ever had a chance to venture out a bit?
Author ratingsguy Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Was she young when she got married? Has she ever had a chance to venture out a bit? Yes, she was 24 when she got married, and 23 when she met her future H if I remember correctly. I think her request is reasonable, but it's tough. I can understand how she would regret not taking the opportunity to "not be married" for a while and I don't want her to have to live with that.
noforgiveness Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I think it is unreasonable of her to ask for you to wait in the wings and still be her friend and her support while she is dating. You stuck through her being married. I think you really need to go nocontact with her while she finds herself and not be there to help her. Let her miss you. Don't be thre for her no matter how hard it is on you. This isn't fair to you. Yes it's reasonable for her to want to venture out after 22 years but it's unreasonable for you to stand by and offer support while she plays. Step away. If it's love she'll be back.
Author ratingsguy Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 I think it is unreasonable of her to ask for you to wait in the wings and still be her friend and her support while she is dating. In fairness to her, she hasn't done that. In fact she has encouraged me to go out and date "to be fair". As much as I don't want to I have begun to explore this option.
erika2610 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Get over it. You got played and the best thing you can do is move on and accept. I will never understand how people who date a married person can feel hurt when they get played. Stick your hand in the piranha tank and expect for it to get bitten. Wow. I guess there's no empathy here. I know it's hard to understand, and it's just as hard to explain. But we feel hurt just like anybody else when they get their heart broken.
Woggle Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Wow. I guess there's no empathy here. I know it's hard to understand, and it's just as hard to explain. But we feel hurt just like anybody else when they get their heart broken. All that fake empathy won't help him. He needs to hear the truth so he won't make the same mistake again. I do feel for him but condonding his actions will not help him. My advice to him is to not date married women. I understand about emotions and all that but some logic needs to come into play.
MoonGirl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hi ratingsguy, I agree with everyone else here. I think it is reasonable for her to date, and unreasonable for her to ask you to wait around for her (which she hasn't done). I can only imagine how painful this is for you. To me, it sounds like she's trying to let you go. I haven't experienced a 22 year marriage, but after being with my H for 6 years I don't feel the need to date men other than my OM. I know exactly what I want and it's my OM. I suppose I will need some time alone to sort out my new environment with my kids, but I know I don't need time with other men. To me, that sounds ridiculous. If I love my OM so much, then why would I date other men? I agree with others here about trying NC. If she really does love you, then she'll be back. The NC will help you move on and help her realize whether or not she misses you in her life.
MoonGirl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 All that fake empathy won't help him. He needs to hear the truth so he won't make the same mistake again. I do feel for him but condonding his actions will not help him. My advice to him is to not date married women. I understand about emotions and all that but some logic needs to come into play. Woggle, Our empathy is not fake. Just because someone made a mistake doesn't mean he doesn't feel pain. I highly doubt ratingsguy will ever go on to date another married woman, and I don't think anyone here is giving him false hopes. We're just trying to support him through this difficult time in his life.
Woggle Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Woggle, Our empathy is not fake. Just because someone made a mistake doesn't mean he doesn't feel pain. I highly doubt ratingsguy will ever go on to date another married woman, and I don't think anyone here is giving him false hopes. We're just trying to support him through this difficult time in his life. Of course he is feeling pain and the people on this board mean well but the best thing you can do for jim is tell him he made a mistake and to not make this same mistake again. He also needs to stop idealizing this woman and accept the fact that he got played. He was just a toy to her and she is finished with him.
kymberann Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 How do you know he made a mistake! That just irks me, I don't believe in mistakes, I do believe in healthy and unhealthy choices and learning from them. Even then that is all subjective. What is bad for you may be good for me. Besides we are not here to banter whether what any of us have done is bad/good or a mistake. We live and learn and go on based on what we know. The best we can do is offer support. And why have you made it your job to tell people the truth?? What's done is done and how can you absolutely say you even know what the turth is! Anyway, Ratings I know your situation has been dragged out for awhile and you are probably chomping at the bit for some resolution. I say give her time, but don't wait around. Sounds like she needs to sow her oats so to speak. Wouldn't you rather her do that now as opposed to being monogamous and doubting her fidelity? Let her come to you when she is ready. Best!
Woggle Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Dating a married woman or married man is a stupid thing to do and is therefore a mistake. People come on this board for advice and I offer it. It may not be what they want to hear but it is the truth.
cbl Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 looking at the positive side, i see a mature woman who left her marriage for "herself" and not for anyone else (ie not for the wrong reason... not saying you are the wrong reason but you know what i mean for the longer term it's good for a MW/OM relationship. while your advantage is that you supported her through her separation, she sees age and your life plans being obstacles in your relationship. no one knows what's going to happen only time will tell. hey, you supported her through the tough time and i am sure she will appreciate that. if not, then she's not worth your love anyway. relax and time is on your side (you are only 31 after all- if my memory did not fail on me )
stillafool Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I think she is trying to give you the "brush off". After my divorce I wanted to date around too. I didn't want to jump from one relationship to another. This is a very exciting time for her because she is free again. Especially since she married so young she wants to "get out there". I would "move on" if I were you until she contacts you for a date.
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I think she's putting herself first and as much as it hurts you to hear it, she isn't ready to commit to you or anybody else. She just wants time alone, and also wants to have the choice to date if she chooses to do so.
herenow Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 In order to answer this question, I tried to put myself in her position. First, and I don't know you personally so this is very general, I would have no respect for someone that would date me when I was married. So, I would have a hard time trusting that person in a serious relationship once single. I would think that it would be hard to trust a person that had been involved in an EXM.
Jane Doe Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I don't think it's unreasonable but I also agree with Woggle -- she's played you.
herenow Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 And to add, I would think that you would have a problem trusting her, but again I don't know either of you so it's just my opinion.
hardknocks Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Yay Woggle! Thank you so much for saying what everybody was THINKING but just to scared to say! We NEED more RIGHT thinking people like Woggle on this world. Think of all the problems we could solve. Hmm.. let me see if I have this method right Woggle... 1. We wait for somebody to announce that they have a problem or made a mistake 2. Then WE re-state the obvious about that problem (so slick!) 3. At the same time we belittle them and make them feel smaller than they already do (under the guise of empathy, increasing the odds their behavior will change) 4. Thus solving the person’s problem by saying something they already knew (smart) 5. AND make ourselves feel superior at the same time (GENIUS!) I like the way you think man! We should adopt this strategy to council drug users and smokers! WE will call it the 'Just Say NO' campaign. How come nobody ever thought of this revolutionary TOUGH LOVE concept before now??? We should all go try this technique at home with our loved ones.. or wherever! I coach a College Baseball team... I saw my star shorstop let a grounder go right between his legs the other day. It was because he was playing out of position that he didn't make it to the ball in time. Instead of talking to him about how he can avoid missing that play in the future or how he can correct himself now to play better.. I should have just shouted.. 'Hey, you're dumb! You should have just caught that ball!' and when he keeps repeating the same problems I'm going to yell.. 'TRY HARDER' over and over and over again. That will work. Thanks Woggle. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Empathy is a learned behavior and obviously at some point in Woggles youth he was probably verbally abused and controlled when HE needed empathy and thus he to this day as an adult still acts out by repeating that response that he learned as youth. BLAH BLAH BLAH! I don't know Woggle.. But I'm positive that is not the case here. He's just better than us!
stace79 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I guess my confusion comes from the fact that she says she feels strongly for you. I don't think there is a right or wrong here...I don't think it's wrong to want to enjoy dating around, and I don't think it would be wrong for her to immediately start dating only you. The thing that is wrong is that she is apparently lying about her feelings (or at least that's my opinion). If you strongly like or love someone, you should be with them. If I love someone, I want to be with them. If I don't love them, I'm not going to bullsh*t them and say "Oh I have such strong feelings for you, but I just need some time to myself." If I love someone, I want to spend time with them. That simple. I don't get why people feel the need for all this ambiguity. Tell it straight. Yes, she was 24 when she got married, and 23 when she met her future H if I remember correctly. I think her request is reasonable, but it's tough. I can understand how she would regret not taking the opportunity to "not be married" for a while and I don't want her to have to live with that.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I think you were the victim of a very typical exit affair.
puddleofmud Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Thank you for this post! Invaluable... I would not only suggest that you tell your team particpants that they are dumb, but they deserve everything they get because they are dumb and that every mistake they make has made them dumber and more dumber, thus they will be nothing but dumb for the rest of their sorry no good unredeemable lives. There lives are now OVER due to their idiocy and here is a big "D" to wear on their chests so every one will know who and what they are. No matter how hard they work to overcome or whatever good they will do, that "D" Badge will certainly keep them in their places! Yay Woggle! Thank you so much for saying what everybody was THINKING but just to scared to say! We NEED more RIGHT thinking people like Woggle on this world. Think of all the problems we could solve. Hmm.. let me see if I have this method right Woggle... 1. We wait for somebody to announce that they have a problem or made a mistake 2. Then WE re-state the obvious about that problem (so slick!) 3. At the same time we belittle them and make them feel smaller than they already do (under the guise of empathy, increasing the odds their behavior will change) 4. Thus solving the person’s problem by saying something they already knew (smart) 5. AND make ourselves feel superior at the same time (GENIUS!) I like the way you think man! We should adopt this strategy to council drug users and smokers! WE will call it the 'Just Say NO' campaign. How come nobody ever thought of this revolutionary TOUGH LOVE concept before now??? We should all go try this technique at home with our loved ones.. or wherever! I coach a College Baseball team... I saw my star shorstop let a grounder go right between his legs the other day. It was because he was playing out of position that he didn't make it to the ball in time. Instead of talking to him about how he can avoid missing that play in the future or how he can correct himself now to play better.. I should have just shouted.. 'Hey, you're dumb! You should have just caught that ball!' and when he keeps repeating the same problems I'm going to yell.. 'TRY HARDER' over and over and over again. That will work. Thanks Woggle. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Empathy is a learned behavior and obviously at some point in Woggles youth he was probably verbally abused and controlled when HE needed empathy and thus he to this day as an adult still acts out by repeating that response that he learned as youth. BLAH BLAH BLAH! I don't know Woggle.. But I'm positive that is not the case here. He's just better than us!
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