Melancholy Baby Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hello everyone...first post here. I have been reading some of the great advice on this site and hope that someone might have some insight for me. Quick synopsis of what has lead me to my 'situation'. I was in a long term relationship/marriage which ended three years ago after a ten year unravelling. We are amicable. Yes it does happen. We see each other once every month or so and have phone contact. We have two young adult children together and they are still a common thread. About a year after the marriage ended I got back into the dating world and am am still reeling from the shock. Internet dating did not exist when I was last single. I had a many relationship starts. Best intentions that didn't work out well to say the least. Sometimes recovery was relatively easy. Other times it was a hurdle. About a year and a half ago I met a man through a mutual friend. We started dating and things seemed to go really well. After about a half a year I started to want a more committed relationship. He did not. It ended. This ending nearly did me in. I was morose. I missed him. I tried to maintain contact. It didn't help that every now and then he would call me and we would get together for the evening. After which he woud inevitably stop calling again. Until the next time. Last contact was six months ago. This ending took me nearly a year to get over. To realize that I truly was better off without him. That he did not value me enough. In the meantime I got into internet dating with a bit of a vengence. I had profiles on several different sites. I went on many many coffee dates. A few became promising starts. I would allow my heart to feel a bit of hope. Then the phone calls would stop. No more emails. And then I would either get an email saying they found someone else, or would find a posting on their profile saying they were no longer available because the found someone else. And to be fair, I did my own rejection. I did, however, let them know and didn't leave them wondering. Enter the final straw. In November there was someone from one of the dating sites that moved past the initial hurdle. Things seemed to be going very well. He asked me if we could date exclusively. I offered to remove my profile from the dating site. He said no keep it up - we both just changed our profile to not looking. (shoulda been a clue.....hindsight is crystal clear) I went back to visit my parents for Christmas. He called me several times while I was away. There was a happy reunion when I got back on Boxing Day. Then he started to call and postpone our dates. Said he had personal problems he had to work on. He wasn't up to going out. I said okay - no problem we can always go out another day. He did that about 4 times. Then I got the email break-up in very beginning of the New Year saying I would be better off with someone else. Good luck. I emailed him back...expressing surprise, shock and acceptance. I wished him well. And pulled my profile from the dating site. A week later, I received another email from this man saying that that he was sorry for doing what he did. Would I give him another chance? I simply couldn't. I said no. I could not ride that roller coaster again. That was nearly a month ago. So this long windy story does have a point. A conclusion. And here it is. I do not have any urge to contact this last man. I have no thoughts whatsoever over breaking contact. The only thing I miss is the company. The dates we had. No the man. Since then I have been on two dates. Leftovers from when I had my profile up. After one, I left him with an insipid "you have my number" call me sometime. Fully intending to tell him, if he did call - that I wasn't interested. The other man asked me to call or email him the next day. I emailed him and said while he was a nice enough man, I wasn't interested. In this month I have ranged between melancholy, bitterness, self loathing, self pity, resignation, etc. I have stopped caring. I don't care how I look. What people think. I go through the motions. I go to work. I meet up with my friends. I talk to my family. I eat. I exist. I think I am relatively attractive. Don't look my age - I am 48 for those that wonder. In fairly good physical shape. I am nice. Kind. Caring. Yes, I still care about others. It is myself I have stopped caring for/about. I have a decent income. Nice place to live. Minimal bad habits. Baggage - relatively tidely packed up until now. I feel fatalistic. Like I won't ever find true happiness...and yes I know, it has to come from within. I know all that. I wonder what's the point. And no - I am not feeling suicidal. Nearly getting hit by a car last week reaffirmed that I am not ready to take that road out. So what am I asking for? Some encouragement. Some insight as to why, when this man didn't really 'matter' that much, have I let this affect me soo badly? Cumulative affect perhaps. And where do I go from here? Friends I have. Family who love me, I have. In those aspects I consider myself lucky. So how do I get my head out of my butt and feel better? Any suggestions welcome.
Author Melancholy Baby Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 sorry - somehow I double posted. am not having much luck figuring out how to delete it.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Have you considered that it doesn't have to do with "this man" so much as the general malaise of dating in general? That's my guess obviously. Dating is hard work and maybe you just need a break. Focus on your happiness without a significant other. Yes, that is easier said than done. I am the worst person to suggest this, but if I say it enough times, and I do believe it, maybe I will be able to do the same next time I am in your position. Dating involves taking a chance on love, much like the lottery involves taking a chance on fortune. Honestly I believe my (your) chances are better placed on love, but I can understand feeling that they aren't much better than the odds of mass fortune. Take a break and see if you feel better. Do all the things that bring YOU enjoyment. You have the time and the money to do that now, probably without the constraints of children. That's my next plan of action if my relationship doesn't work out.
Co-D Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 I'm relatively new to LS and there are some great people on here. I'm grateful for this site. I've also been dating alot (via internet perosnals) since my partner of 7 years left with the guy he cheated with a couple of months ago. What I have come to realise is that not every date I go on has to have the potential for love or for a relationship. A priest friend of mine who helped me a great deal through my breakup reminded that the Buddha said "expectation is the source of all disappointment, it is better to have hope." So with that always in my mind, I meet people for the sake of making real human connections, not necessarily with the intention of meeting MrRight. I mean I would love it if it happened but I'm quite happy to meet lots of new people and make lots of friends along the way but I understand your frustration. Could part of it be that none of these new guys can measure up to this man? I know that has been part of my problem but I'm working through it. Learning to spend time by myself and enjoy it has not been an easy task. I am realising though that my independence will not only be attractive but also magnetic and will help to attract the kind of person that I hope to someday meet. I don't know if that helps you at all but I 'hope' it does.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Meeting people is always good. I liken it to business "networking" all the time.
JCD Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Maybe you are not over him and that makes dating difficult as you don't care to get to know the other guys. Take a break from dating and find yourself. Then when you're over him, happy and contempt then start dating again.
Author Melancholy Baby Posted January 31, 2007 Author Posted January 31, 2007 Thanks for all the replies. Maybe you are right LSrs...maybe this affected me more than I realized and I need time to get happy on my own first. One pattern of thought that I do have is that as time and age advance, my opportunities are narrowing . If I don't internet date - and my circle of friends don't know of anyone available...what are my other options?
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