Melancholy Baby Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Hello everyone...first post here. I have been reading some of the great advice on this site and hope that someone might have some insight for me. Quick synopsis of what has lead me to my 'situation'. I was in a long term relationship/marriage which ended three years ago after a ten year unravelling. We are amicable. Yes it does happen. We see each other once every month or so and have phone contact. We have two young adult children together and they are still a common thread. About a year after the marriage ended I got back into the dating world and am am still reeling from the shock. Internet dating did not exist when I was last single. I had a many relationship starts. Best intentions that didn't work out well to say the least. Sometimes recovery was relatively easy. Other times it was a hurdle. About a year and a half ago I met a man through a mutual friend. We started dating and things seemed to go really well. After about a half a year I started to want a more committed relationship. He did not. It ended. This ending nearly did me in. I was morose. I missed him. I tried to maintain contact. It didn't help that every now and then he would call me and we would get together for the evening. After which he woud inevitably stop calling again. Until the next time. Last contact was six months ago. This ending took me nearly a year to get over. To realize that I truly was better off without him. That he did not value me enough. In the meantime I got into internet dating with a bit of a vengence. I had profiles on several different sites. I went on many many coffee dates. A few became promising starts. I would allow my heart to feel a bit of hope. Then the phone calls would stop. No more emails. And then I would either get an email saying they found someone else, or would find a posting on their profile saying they were no longer available because the found someone else. And to be fair, I did my own rejection. I did, however, let them know and didn't leave them wondering. Enter the final straw. In November there was someone from one of the dating sites that moved past the initial hurdle. Things seemed to be going very well. He asked me if we could date exclusively. I offered to remove my profile from the dating site. He said no keep it up - we both just changed our profile to not looking. (shoulda been a clue.....hindsight is crystal clear) I went back to visit my parents for Christmas. He called me several times while I was away. There was a happy reunion when I got back on Boxing Day. Then he started to call and postpone our dates. Said he had personal problems he had to work on. He wasn't up to going out. I said okay - no problem we can always go out another day. He did that about 4 times. Then I got the email break-up in very beginning of the New Year saying I would be better off with someone else. Good luck. I emailed him back...expressing surprise, shock and acceptance. I wished him well. And pulled my profile from the dating site. A week later, I received another email from this man saying that that he was sorry for doing what he did. Would I give him another chance? I simply couldn't. I said no. I could not ride that roller coaster again. That was nearly a month ago. So this long windy story does have a point. A conclusion. And here it is. I do not have any urge to contact this last man. I have no thoughts whatsoever over breaking contact. The only thing I miss is the company. The dates we had. No the man. Since then I have been on two dates. Leftovers from when I had my profile up. After one, I left him with an insipid "you have my number" call me sometime. Fully intending to tell him, if he did call - that I wasn't interested. The other man asked me to call or email him the next day. I emailed him and said while he was a nice enough man, I wasn't interested. In this month I have ranged between melancholy, bitterness, self loathing, self pity, resignation, etc. I have stopped caring. I don't care how I look. What people think. I go through the motions. I go to work. I meet up with my friends. I talk to my family. I eat. I exist. I think I am relatively attractive. Don't look my age - I am 48 for those that wonder. In fairly good physical shape. I am nice. Kind. Caring. Yes, I still care about others. It is myself I have stopped caring for/about. I have a decent income. Nice place to live. Minimal bad habits. Baggage - relatively tidely packed up until now. I feel fatalistic. Like I won't ever find true happiness...and yes I know, it has to come from within. I know all that. I wonder what's the point. And no - I am not feeling suicidal. Nearly getting hit by a car last week reaffirmed that I am not ready to take that road out. So what am I asking for? Some encouragement. Some insight as to why, when this man didn't really 'matter' that much, have I let this affect me soo badly? Cumulative affect perhaps. And where do I go from here? Friends I have. Family who love me, I have. In those aspects I consider myself lucky. So how do I get my head out of my butt and feel better? Any suggestions welcome.
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