ALLALONEAT35 Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Its been awhile since I last posted. I really need some advice, over the past few months me and my husband started dating, its been nice. I really think dating has helped us communicate more, something we have always needed but never really found the time, between our kids and work. Well as time has past I have been able to open up with my feelings to him. I really dont know if it was the right time, however I really needed to get it off my chest. See we both still love each other very much, and even though we have been separted now for almost 7 months he still wears his wedding ring and so do I. Well to the point. Tonight I told him I just dont know how much longer I can wait until he decides to come home. Well even thought he loves me and all, he tells me we have issues that we have to work out, I know we have issues but how do we work out our issues when we live in separate places only seeing each other a few times a week, so I decided to ask him what he meant by that, will he goes on to tell me that he does not like where we live, even though we have been living here for over 10 years. and to top it off, with him still living with his mother and father, he is concerned that his parents need him more then I do. However, there is no medical condition or financial problems. So I just do not get it. There seems to be an excuse. I have even suggested making trying to find a new place to live, however there are obstacles in our way. In our area the economy is not doing well so the houses are not selling, so to put the house up for sell could be the biggest mistake of my life. Its like I told him, "we should invest in each other first before we jump into another problem in which we both will end up with nothing." He just did not get it. He tells me to be patient, but I really have. He even went on to say that why would he want to move back in so he could pay my bills, seriously, since he has been moved out I have not asked him for a dime, I never will, even though I am struggling. I feel that it is responsibility to offer and not for me to ask or beg. Besides his money is not why I want to make our marriage to work. Its because deep down I really love this guy, it took me a little time to realize the I just did not love him I was in love him. He just does not get it maybe its me that does not get it. Well as our conversation continued I was getting angry, since he has left I really havent gotten angry. I had to leave, he just was not saying what I wanted to hear. When I finally got back into my car he said something that not only made me angry but pissed off. he told me to be patient and let time take its course, I told him I have been a very patient person and that I have to go, and he says why, and then tell him I have to go home to my kids (which are not his), and then he says something like "yeah need patient for those psychopaths, I was like what, did I hear you right. I would never say anything like that to him about his kids. I reassured him things have changed, and he says like what and I was like you and I. I then left and never looked back. Usually times like this, I either call or go back to talk it out. I am just at this point of being tired of trying. seriously i am so tired. I have done everything I could think of to get us back together, but I feel the time has come and it might be too late. I am not looking for just a dinner date with my husband but a relationship, he just does not get it. I can admit this is the first time I really have felt ok to be alone. But I am still alittle scared, maybe alittle ashamed my marriage failed. All my life I have always tired to fix things and people, and look I can not even fix my own marriage. I think its time to throw in the towel and give up....
Dad_of_3 Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 I am not looking for just a dinner date with my husband but a relationship, he just does not get it .............I think its time to throw in the towel and give up.... It never does seem clear until you actually do look at it from a different perspective or hear/read it from another perspective. This does nto sound like someone who is throwing in the towel to me. This sounds like someone who knows a little from what they want in life and are taking steps to get it. Maybe I am reading into it too much or not enough, I dont know. Knowing you want a fulfilling and meaningful relationship with someone is not just some random thing that popped into any sane persons head. Anyone on this board coming from what they have come from will atest to that. From my own experience, my stbxw came to the same conclusion way before I even realised what was happening. I don't blame her for making the decision to move on. She made a timeframe, she made the decision and stuck to it. Her choice, same as you are starting to come to. In your post you've taken all the right steps formwhat I have read. You got angry, you made the consious decision to leave. It take strength and resolve not to give into that feeling, I applaud you for that. The feeling of being a failure in your marriage, hey it takes two. No matter how much you want to put the blame on yourself, there is always a flipside. No one person is fully to blame for a breakdown in a relationship. Every party has some role to play in it. Your choice is when you will decide to make yourself happy. Sounds like yes, although your H is going through alot, so are you. What choice are you going to make to change the situation you are in. It gets better in time, as long as you make the decision to stop flogging the same dead horse, it aint getting up anymore. Take time out for yourself, enjoy this time for yourself. From your nick, you ar still relatively young, the world is just opening up for you. Myself, at 31 am enjoying the time, the life that has opened up to me. It may not be the perfect hand I wanted but I am still going to play it. Cause there is no re-deal on life. I'm better from the situation that I have come from. I'm making the most of everyday for myself and my children. Funny thing is at the end of the day, the most important person that has to be happy is you. Hope to hear back from you
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted February 4, 2007 Author Posted February 4, 2007 Its hard to know what is the right thing to do or say. I have reached the point in my life were I am just tired of trying so hard to achieve an healthy relationshiop with someone who just might not even care to have one. The other day I spent time with my h and to be honest I was seeing him in a different way. Its kinda of scary, because I am starting to question my love for him. Dont get me wrong , I love him very much, but not so sure if I am in love with him with every thing we have been through. What bugs me the most, is he still blames me for our problems, he just does not see himself as part of the problem. Sounds crazy I know.
Dad_of_3 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Its hard to know what is the right thing to do or say. I have reached the point in my life were I am just tired of trying so hard to achieve an healthy relationshiop with someone who just might not even care to have one. Of course its hard to know what the right thing to say or do is. You've never been this situation before. How are you supossed to know? I dont think anyone who came here on there frist time in there situation knew what to do. Its new, its something that is going to take time to learn and understand from. Thats tough to hear, you are still young! Life begins at 40 some people say, you're way ahead of the game. Think of it that way! From what you have written in regards to achieving a healthy relationship with someone. All I ask, is do you have a healthy one with yourself? I'm a big advocate of late about self-worth and self-care. If you accomplish both these facets of yourself, maybe you can entertain the idea of it with someone else. Why is it a pre-requisite to be in a relationship with someone for it to be healthy. You have that confidence and glow about you, THAT attracts people. Sound slike you are longing to be with someone, for it to be an indication of your self-worth. You truly, and I believe this with every fibre of my being, dont need someone in your life to be who you are. This is your life, who you choose along your journey is a gift. You are in the drivers seat, they are a passenger seat. When the time comes for that someone in your life, as long as you take the time out to yourself, you'll be be stronger and better than before. The other day I spent time with my h and to be honest I was seeing him in a different way. Its kinda of scary, because I am starting to question my love for him. Dont get me wrong , I love him very much, but not so sure if I am in love with him with every thing we have been through. What bugs me the most, is he still blames me for our problems, he just does not see himself as part of the problem. Sounds crazy I know. Of course he blames you for the problems, cause by him doing that, he doesnt have to face up to his part of the problems. Its a normal human reflex. It takes the onus and spotlight of him. You need to remember the cold hard facts of it all. Every party has a role to play in it all. You need to see that his opinion may not and possibly never will be the same as yours. It's a cold but sad fact of the breakdown. Think of it this way, for him to blame you, he's throwing you a ball. Only you can make the decision to catch it. Seriously, you are 35, life is your oyster. Take it, enjoy it, relish it. Only YOU can make that choice! Last but not least, the only thing that sounds crazy is you saying its crazy. Its normal for you to think that, but it is your choice to stop thinking like that. Its all about baby steps ... Keep us posted, vent all you want, and please dont start apologising for what you wrote or calling yourself crazy. Write what you feel, write what you need to get out. The board is here to listen. .... I will be Do3
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