She married someone else :( But...

[Jacob&I]

Hello everyone,

 

My ex-girlfriend married someone else. You could probably tell that from the title.

 

Let me mention a few things.

 

We dated for about three and a half years.

 

We were engaged, agreed on a date. Then she moved the date up, and I reacted badly. This happened about three years into the relationship. She was completely happy until then.

 

She gave me an ultimatium. Either I go with the new date, or we call the whole thing off. I left, but I came back a week later.

 

Then she told me she thought she was pregnant, turns out she wasn't.

 

She really wanted to be a parent soon, so soon that I wondered if I could do it. Her moving the wedding date up aggravated it.

 

After she found out that she was not pregnant.I thought I should end it.

I changed my mind, but I knew we should have a serious talk.

 

The day I was going to talk to her about this she inhereited two kids, her ten year old brother and her fifteen year old sister.

 

My ex's father and stepmother died suddenly. No one saw this coming.

 

So, at this point I was confused about what to do. I wondered if satying around would make things worse.

 

I stayed for a couple of months. Then we had a talk. I had started to decide that i could do it. Get married and have a family. WE got in a room together, and started talking.

 

I screwed it up.

 

She was very depressed (understandably ), and I was afraid to marry someone while they were depressed. I was just scared in genearl, an I didn't really understand why.

 

I said "You know, the kids aren't a reason to go. They're a reason to stay."

 

She said "Yeah, I've figured that out. But I'm offended I'm not a reason to stay."

 

 

I decided I wanted to marry her, but I didn't tell her that. I started talking about things I wanted to do before we got married though.

 

That wasn't the right way to go about things. In a situation like that, you should agree that you want to get married, and then work out the details.

I made a big costly mistake.

 

We argued and I left. That moment might be the one that haunts me the most forever.

 

I called her awhile later. I waited too long. She had just gone on a date with someone she had met on match.com.

 

I said we could get married whenever she wanted, she politely turned me down.

 

I went to see a psychiatrist. I found out something very important.

 

I was terrified of getting divorced, and that caused me to be afraid of marriage. My parents had a terrible marriage. They eventually got divorced and things got even worse. My mother eventually disappeared from my life completely, while my Dad smoked a lot of marijuana and drank too much.

 

I found out the people who had my type of family background are more reluctant to have a family, but it helps them out emotionally. I started to feel a wonderful feeling hanging out with my ex and her family. I hung around her little brother after we broke, and it kept growing.

 

I think figuring that I was mostly afraid of divorce was the last piece of the puzzle. Too bad I was too late.

 

My ex had broken off all contact with me She said she had unresolved feelings for me. I couldn't see her little brother or either.

 

I lost a whole family.

 

I wrote a couple of letters saying we should try it again ( bad idea I realize now ) before I figured out my problem. She wrote me a polite letter saying that she was glad we spent the last few years together, that I was a wonderful person, but that we were at tw different places in our lives. She also said we wouldn't be dating again.

 

That was at the end of September.

 

She called me in the middle of January. She told me that she was engaged, and that she was getting married the next week.

 

That hurt.

 

I took it pretty well though. I wished her good luck and told her that her brother and sister couldn't have anyone better than her. I was also finally able to tell her that I was afraid to get married becuse I was terrified of getting divorced.

 

She told me that she knows that I can find a person to spend my life with, and that she had some of my stuff, and that she was going to mail it to me.

 

I asked if I could still talk to her mom, and she said sure.

 

When I talked to her mom before this, she seemed to know where things were going. She said that her daughter wasn't the same person anymore. People are always a little different after a tragedy. She also said "Don't burn your bridges." She said that you never know what could happen in the future. I mentioned that I thought her daughter was very unlikely to get divorced, she subtly disagreed with me.

 

 

I talked to a mutual friend of ours the other day. She doesn't seem very optimistic about their relationship. She told me that my ex

1) had gotten married about five months after she met the guy.

2) didn't want me to know she was engaged. She asked our friend not to tell me. My ex didn't want to tell me either.

3) had married a guy who was very jealous. He was upset that she had called me to tell me she was engaged.

4) He's thrirty-four and this is his first serious relatinship. She just turned thirty two, and I'll be twenty eight soon.

 

Number three surprised me the most. That's not like her. I had talked to her Mom about things months before, and they're very close. She told me that if any guy told her or one of her daughters what to do, she believes they would walk right out the door.

 

So I'm tortured. I lost a family when I was kid, and I lost another one fifteen years later. I really miss them.

 

Part of me thinks that since they got married within five months, they could be divorced in six more months. Even if things did change for them, I don't know how seriously she would consider getting back together.

 

She also still has the engagement ring I gave her. I wonder if that's some of the stuff of mine she talked about mailing back to me.

 

Are these details unimportant? I think I should just assume I'll never hear from her again, but part of my mind won't leave it alone.

 

What do you guys think?

[Curmudgeon]

Go back to square-one. Assume you'll never hear from her and get on with your life. If you have no expectations you can never be disappointed.

 

None of us knows what the future holds so plan yours accordingly and take care over those things over which you exercise some control.

[ahsumgurl909]

What sound advice from a wise young man Curmudgeon. Please let me take that same advice from you as well. The only reason I read it was because I seen you responded and wanted to see what you gave. It was meant for me to hear right at this very moment. Thanks

[whichwayisup]

All the signs were there - It wasn't meant to be...If it was, you would have married her right away, moving the wedding date up wouldn't have made a difference.

 

She is married to someone else now, it's over. As painful as it is for you, please accept it and move on. Her silence is telling you this too.