In love but not with my wife

[shelliezdesign]

So many examples here of WHY I don't want to be married. And I'm a 41 year old woman with one child, divorced and engaged and recently separated from a 4 year relationship...but happy that I am thinking of what I really need. We can both move on. And I was fair when I said goodbye - to him and mostly to myself.

 

To me...get out if you love someone else, move on if you are unhappy and support your children the way they deserve...but also LIVE for you! But...be responsible and respectful to the spouse that you've had over the years because she has been there for you...you at least owe her that much. Simply move on and let her do the same. Child support, money, alimony whatever....just move on and let her go. In the long run, everyone will win.

[outofdarkness]

Well I probably shouldn't butt in here but I'm never very good at protocol, so here I am.

 

WBAsmethwick is 'my' MM. He's posted here twice since the original post, explaining a lot more about his situation. But each time he posts he gets a message about 24-48 hours waiting time before his message will go through. So he has no idea whether those messages will eventually get here... I have read that all this is due to a backlog on LS's front, with moderating unconfirmed accounts and guest posts. I also heard that a lot of new posts had been lost.

 

Anyway, some people earlier in the thread were asking how 'the OW' feels about him. And since I'm the OW, you can read how I feel over on the OM/OW forum.

 

And I also wanted to say, hijack away, since this is about MM and how they feel about their marriages and OW, and what they should do.. why not..? At least until WBA's posts come through (IF they ever do).

I was curious after you posted on my V day thread about whether or not YOU might be my H's OW...There was something that stuck out like a sore thumb and put my intuition into overdrive, and let me say, this has ONLY happend in the past when something wierd is being said or done. Not necesarily about me!

 

I must say that I think you and your MM are pretty brazen!! How do you know that your MM's W wasn't just browsing google and came across this site? Seems pretty risky to me..Also, why would you all want to purposefully hurt and humilate her? Ok..so he isn't in love with her anymore and is with you...If that is true and he is only still in the M b/c of the kids, then he should leave. Kids rebound very quickly and would adjust to these changes. Divorce is just too common nowdays for then NOT to adjust. There are support groups, IC, and friends who they know and attend school w/ who are eager to help...

 

Also, does your MM's W know of the A? The first thing I told my H after D day was that I did not want to be with someone who did not want to be with me. It was HIS choice about whether or not to stay in the marriage. In the end, he wanted to stay and was willing to do whatever it took to heal himself and give me tim to heal and work on the M. I never heard the word love out of his mouth regarding the main OW or any of the others. Obviously your situation is different, and that's ok and common I guess. So, please get on with it already! Stop being so dramatic the both of you and move on. You two are NOT doing those kids or anyone for that matter, any gigantic favors by staying "for the kids"..Kids know when things aren't right, and guess what? They blame themselves! Your MM, in my opinion, is doing his kids a great diservice by staying. I would even venture to say that it is boarderline emotionally abusive to the kids AND the W. As many professionals told us after D day, there is a certain "feel" that people in A's give off after spending time with their OW or OM. Much of it is just simply that the air is "sexually charged if you will"...If we, as s can pick up on this then you KNOW kids do. Have you ever met your MM's kids? Have you thought of what a huge responsibility it is to be a Stepmom? You are not just marrying him, you're marrying his kids..and yes, his Ex to a certain degree..

 

I respectfully say that I think what the two of you are doing is so wrong, and then to flaunt it on a message board, even if it is about OW and OM's..is soooo wrong. In my opinion, if you're going to have an A, do everything you can to keep in under the radar. If you are at the point where you are ready to publically or semi publically reveal your love for one another and intentions, it's time to take the next step. Don't do this to the W any more. It is so sad! I know what it feels like when everyone else knows but you...NOONE speaks up b/c noone wants to be the bad guy, so they just talk about you and snicker and laugh behind your back. Even if there are signs and the W is in denial, she still doesn't know what's going on. Your MM made a vow to her, if he does not feel that he can or wants to uphold it any longer and wants to be with you and build a life with you then tell him to DO IT!!!

It scares me to see that an OW and MM are openly posting and communicating on any message board...How would YOU feel if YOU were the W and found out about this...This is an OPEN forum!! If you want to communicate privately on this forum, many have their accounts set up so they can send and receive private messages.

[frannie]

I was curious after you posted on my V day thread about whether or not YOU might be my H's OW...There was something that stuck out like a sore thumb and put my intuition into overdrive, and let me say, this has ONLY happend in the past when something wierd is being said or done. Not necesarily about me!

 

I must say that I think you and your MM are pretty brazen!! How do you know that your MM's W wasn't just browsing google and came across this site? Seems pretty risky to me..Also, why would you all want to purposefully hurt and humilate her? Ok..so he isn't in love with her anymore and is with you...If that is true and he is only still in the M b/c of the kids, then he should leave. Kids rebound very quickly and would adjust to these changes. Divorce is just too common nowdays for then NOT to adjust. There are support groups, IC, and friends who they know and attend school w/ who are eager to help...

 

Also, does your MM's W know of the A? The first thing I told my H after D day was that I did not want to be with someone who did not want to be with me. It was HIS choice about whether or not to stay in the marriage. In the end, he wanted to stay and was willing to do whatever it took to heal himself and give me tim to heal and work on the M. I never heard the word love out of his mouth regarding the main OW or any of the others. Obviously your situation is different, and that's ok and common I guess. So, please get on with it already! Stop being so dramatic the both of you and move on. You two are NOT doing those kids or anyone for that matter, any gigantic favors by staying "for the kids"..Kids know when things aren't right, and guess what? They blame themselves! Your MM, in my opinion, is doing his kids a great diservice by staying. I would even venture to say that it is boarderline emotionally abusive to the kids AND the W. As many professionals told us after D day, there is a certain "feel" that people in A's give off after spending time with their OW or OM. Much of it is just simply that the air is "sexually charged if you will"...If we, as s can pick up on this then you KNOW kids do. Have you ever met your MM's kids? Have you thought of what a huge responsibility it is to be a Stepmom? You are not just marrying him, you're marrying his kids..and yes, his Ex to a certain degree..

 

I respectfully say that I think what the two of you are doing is so wrong, and then to flaunt it on a message board, even if it is about OW and OM's..is soooo wrong. In my opinion, if you're going to have an A, do everything you can to keep in under the radar. If you are at the point where you are ready to publically or semi publically reveal your love for one another and intentions, it's time to take the next step. Don't do this to the W any more. It is so sad! I know what it feels like when everyone else knows but you...NOONE speaks up b/c noone wants to be the bad guy, so they just talk about you and snicker and laugh behind your back. Even if there are signs and the W is in denial, she still doesn't know what's going on. Your MM made a vow to her, if he does not feel that he can or wants to uphold it any longer and wants to be with you and build a life with you then tell him to DO IT!!!

It scares me to see that an OW and MM are openly posting and communicating on any message board...How would YOU feel if YOU were the W and found out about this...This is an OPEN forum!! If you want to communicate privately on this forum, many have their accounts set up so they can send and receive private messages.

 

Hello OOD.

 

I'm not entirely sure what you mean about an OW and a MM brazenly communicating on a forum and that we should take it to PM. I'm not sure that there's anything here that would allow his W to 'know' that it's him, or that we're taunting her. And of course we do talk all the time about this. The posts are on the forum so we get input from others.

 

What we're going to do I just don't know, and neither does he. I'll try not to speak for him, since it is supposed to be his thread. But we are posting as a couple because it's not a MM lying to OW situation, it's us two trying to work this out, whatever people believe, and however distasteful that is.

 

And I agree with you, having this affair is wrong. And I agree with what most people on this thread have said, and what you have said (although not with the angle you've taken, but I can see why you've taken it!). The fact is it's not my choice whether his W knows, or whether he leaves. All I can do is what Old Europe said: be patient and try to work this through with him, or get out. That's my only choice.

 

I won't say anything more at the moment because MM should be home and able to respond to some more of the posts himself now. He's the one with the wife, children, and decision to make.

[WBAsmethwick]

I am a firm believer that, unless there are extenuating circumstances, you do not stay married for the sake of the children when you know, in your heart, the marriage is over. I sense that is the way it is with you.

 

There are no extenuating circumstances. I feel its the right thing to do at this moment in time (stay with them that is). Illogical? possably. Wrong possible. But it feels right.

[Salicious Crumb]

Hi all, I know I'm opening mself up for a whole lot of abuse here but I could do with some advice. Because to be honest I'm out of Ideas.

 

I'm deeply in love with a woman who isn't my wife. I have two kids who I love very much. I'm in love with someone who isn't their mother.

 

The woman I'm in love with is my ideal partner. I love her like I've never loved anyone in my life (and it's not a short life). I so want to be with her and not anyone else. But my kids are there and I do love them. what should I do?

 

Some facts - Married for 14 years. Kids, 12 and 10.

 

Too many people I feel say they are in love with someone other than their spouse, but I believe its because they have been with their spouse sooo long that feelings you feel for someone else are ....well....new. But its not love.

 

You sure your little head isn't thinking for the big one? And remember, if you cheat on your wife, you are also cheating on your kids.

 

Maybe you need to revisit what it is that made you fall in love with your life. I think too many times the "newness" wears off a little and thats why people start thinking the grass i greener on the other side....well it isn't.

 

Once you have mowed that grass over and over...it will get old too.

[norajane]

There are no extenuating circumstances. I feel its the right thing to do at this moment in time (stay with them that is). Illogical? possably. Wrong possible. But it feels right.

 

Is it really all about what feels right to YOU? No one else matters?

 

Because you're stringing frannie along for years now, your wife has no clue that her husband is cheating on her so SHE doesn't get to choose what feels right to HER (marriage or divorce), and your kids only see you on weekends anyway when you come home from business trips.

 

But, hey, it feels right to YOU, regardless of whether it's illogical or wrong for anyone else.

 

Why did you start this thread, then? If it all feels right?

[outofdarkness]

Hello OOD.

 

I'm not entirely sure what you mean about an OW and a MM brazenly communicating on a forum and that we should take it to PM. I'm not sure that there's anything here that would allow his W to 'know' that it's him, or that we're taunting her. And of course we do talk all the time about this. The posts are on the forum so we get input from others.

 

What we're going to do I just don't know, and neither does he. I'll try not to speak for him, since it is supposed to be his thread. But we are posting as a couple because it's not a MM lying to OW situation, it's us two trying to work this out, whatever people believe, and however distasteful that is.

 

And I agree with you, having this affair is wrong. And I agree with what most people on this thread have said, and what you have said (although not with the angle you've taken, but I can see why you've taken it!). The fact is it's not my choice whether his W knows, or whether he leaves. All I can do is what Old Europe said: be patient and try to work this through with him, or get out. That's my only choice.

 

I won't say anything more at the moment because MM should be home and able to respond to some more of the posts himself now. He's the one with the wife, children, and decision to make.

Thanks for replying to my post..I wasn't sure ya'll would after I got alittle carried away...Guess there's still some hurt there that I thought had become a bit more "tamed"...I think you are taking the right to let your MM to the "posting, talking, etc." regarding his current M and situation with his family. The best approach you can take is to stay under the radar and let him work it out. I still do not think what you all are doing is right, but if you are going to do it, then what can anyone say or do to make a differenc? I am just concerned for the W and kids., and would like to see them treated fairly and humanely. PLEASE help to convince him that his kids are picking up on his feelings, whether it's his deep feelings after spending time with you and the get that sort of residual "vibe" or just his feelings or lack of about being at home with a W that he obviously does not want to be with. My situation was so different in that my H immediately let it be known that he loved me and wanted to do anything and everything to earn back our trust. Our kids were 11 and 12 at the time, so about the same age as your MM's are now. They are old enough to know that something is going on...Our's knew exactly what was going on and waited in agony for us/my H to be honest w/ them. It's tough and heartbreaking, but they deserve to know that truth. I personally suggest it be done in the presence of a liscened professional who specializes in working w/ kids and families, but that is just MY opinion. I beg your MM to please tell his W and let her get on w/ her life. I wish so badly thata someone/ANYONE had told me what was going on with my H so that I would have been given the choice. Most likely, I would have chosen to stay and work on the M, as we have a long history together, but who knows??? I at least would have loved to have been given the choice. My entire life could have been different.

 

I understand your love for one another, but your potential S is NOT single now...There IS a W and there ARE kids involved. It's complicated and the must, in my opinion, be considered. Plus, if you all go about this in the right way, things will go much more smoothly when the time DOES come for him to leave...If he chooses to..You will want things as calm as possible, and this means treating ALL involved, including his W, with respect and dignity. It also means that he MUST search his soul and find at least SOME feelings that he must have had at once time for her and using these past feelings to base his respect on. They do have kids together...This may be enough to base a new civil and amicable relationship on...If you love him encourage him to work on this and try, like I said to stay under the radar. It might even require you to totally be out of the picture for a time...Something many MM have had to do while in the process of a Separation or D. Hope this helps...

[anna13]

Thank you all for your posts. Those of you men who have either been in my situation or one similar your perspective and views are appreciated. There are many common threads to your and my story. Those of you who have avoided inflammatory comments and implied criticism thank you. Those who have shown understanding and some genuine insite thank you. You have given me food for thought.

my goodness, i typed so much and then i realized i wasnt signed in !!! grrrr..... and it deleted everything!! ...

 

ok anyway ... my opinion is if you really Love your OW and you Love your kids and your wife then end your marriage , set your wife free to find someone who will Love her , be a good father to your kids, and be there for your wife as a friend to support the stresses of child rearing. try to work out a good visitation agreement so that your kids can spend time with you and the kids can also time with your wife. these are your kids too , dont just leave your wife with the kids and go start a new life. raising kids is a lifelong commitment , the marriage may end but cooperative parenting does not. I dont agree with adultery , if you feel like you belong with someone else, just admit it to your spouse and move on . ( this is the short version of what i wrote lol ) ... i am not going to tell you to stay in your marriage. . you dont want to , you and your ow are acting like your married already ...coming on here as a united front. your kids will be ok ... but not if you stay in your mariage and stay unhappy and make your wife unhappy how does that make your kids happy ? i dont think so. there is an exitement to a new relationship , there is an exitement to having an affair . and just remember after a few years will it be the same? you did love yoru wife enough to ask her to marry you .. and look now .. so think about it , make your decision and move forawrd. everyone deserves better then to be stuck like that. your wife deserves better, your ow deserves better and so do you. if you are all unhappy then take the next step . that is just what i think.

[frannie]

Is it really all about what feels right to YOU? No one else matters?

 

Because you're stringing frannie along for years now, your wife has no clue that her husband is cheating on her so SHE doesn't get to choose what feels right to HER (marriage or divorce), and your kids only see you on weekends anyway when you come home from business trips.

 

But, hey, it feels right to YOU, regardless of whether it's illogical or wrong for anyone else.

 

Why did you start this thread, then? If it all feels right?

 

Hello norajane,

 

Just to respond to your points here. MM meant that staying with the children 'felt right'... not having the affair. He no more wants an affair than I do. I truly believe that most of his 'feels right' comes more from fear of the alternative than any logical thought that it's the right thing to do.

 

We talked this morning, and came to a conclusion that we have either to end this affair, OR for him to work on ending his marriage.

 

I just want to thank everyone who has taken their time to respond to this thread. MM may not be great at forums, but he's read every word and taken things on board. It has made a difference to me and to him, and how we approach this. So thank you.

 

We're going to discuss which it is we're going to do when we get together next week. Please, if anyone has any help to offer, any words on what we're planning (ending it or him separating), any views now this is what we've decided, please add them here.

 

We've already been NC for most of last year, and we know the drill as far as that's concerned, but anything else would be welcome. Thanks.

[sb129]

IIt scares me to see that an OW and MM are openly posting and communicating on any message board...How would YOU feel if YOU were the W and found out about this...This is an OPEN forum!! If you want to communicate privately on this forum, many have their accounts set up so they can send and receive private messages.

OOD, you kinda contradicted yourself there- yes this is an open forum. Therefore anyone is able to post whatever they like as long as it is within the boundaries of what the LS administrators find acceptable.

If people give away information that exposes them, that is their problem.

I suspect there are many love triangles on here where people are unwittingly posting about other LS members.

I think its pretty brave that Frannie and her MM are opening themselves up on here.

 

If you stay, everyone loses. Your W is trapped and doomed to a life lived out with a cheater who doesn't love her, your children will eventually see how obligational they are to you in terms of sacrificing your happiness, Frannie will be doomed to a half life "dating" someone else's husband, and you will be miserable.

 

If you leave, then W gets to start over and find someone who will love her, your children will no longer be reared in a dysfunctional environment, Frannie will be happier, and you will be happier. It will be like a bomb going off at first, but when things settle you'll all be better off for it.

 

I do agree with this LB. Frannie knows how I feel about her situation, that they can't continue along like this forever. However if they were happy with how things were right now I don't think they would be on LS looking for advice.

 

We talked this morning, and came to a conclusion that we have either to end this affair, OR for him to work on ending his marriage.

We're going to discuss which it is we're going to do when we get together next week. Please, if anyone has any help to offer, any words on what we're planning (ending it or him separating), any views now this is what we've decided, please add them here.

 

.

 

I hope things work out for the best.

[outofdarkness]

OOD, you kinda contradicted yourself there- yes this is an open forum. Therefore anyone is able to post whatever they like as long as it is within the boundaries of what the LS administrators find acceptable.

If people give away information that exposes them, that is their problem.

I suspect there are many love triangles on here where people are unwittingly posting about other LS members.

I think its pretty brave that Frannie and her MM are opening themselves up on here.

 

 

 

I do agree with this LB. Frannie knows how I feel about her situation, that they can't continue along like this forever. However if they were happy with how things were right now I don't think they would be on LS looking for advice.

 

 

 

I hope things work out for the best.

fair enough...I just believe personally that it's a very bad idea to communicate w/ your SO "openly" on a public forum..How is that contradicting myself?

[sb129]

Because you said it was an "open" forum. They are being open. Maybe more than anyone else on here. But they aren't violating any conditions.

[MySugaree]

To the four unhappy marrieds, all I can say is "Been there, done that." Deep marital gloom sucks--especially when there's the OW's beckoning bright lights.

 

Often there's an empathy deficit when a MM tells Shackers that he no longer loves his wife, yearns for the OW and stays married solely for the kids. While these feelings are deep and genuine the unhappy husband is derided as an opportunistic "cakeman"--without a shred of integrity, human decency or morals. Life, however, is more complicated than the Dr. Phil nostrums posted on relationship advice message boards. (Saying that, most posts in this Thread have been restrained, helpful and balanced. Could that be because the posters are men, not the scarlet lettered OW?)

 

My advice: If the marriage is truly over, get out and rebuild your emotional and social lives. Affairs are easy: You stay married,with the attendant legitimacy, you remain a good dad to your kids and have your emotional and sexual needs catered to by the OW. The family remains "intact" (so to speak) and you're getting laid.

 

Over time, however, you're simply postponing the inevitable. At some point the Affair will end (they almost always do), your kids will leave the nest and it will be you and your wife and the Affair (or memory of the Affair)sitting like an 800lb gorilla in the middle of your husk of a marriage.

 

If you truly, deeply believe that your marriage cannot be made emotionally tolerable, move out. It's harder to leave your family than stay, be miserable, and f#ck another woman.

 

Separation and divorce are last resorts. The costs are many. Still, when there's no heat left in a marriage, and the chill becomes too much for you to endure, exit. Better the turmoil of departure than the betrayal of staying.

[outofdarkness]

To the four unhappy marrieds, all I can say is "Been there, done that." Deep marital gloom sucks--especially when there's the OW's beckoning bright lights.

 

Often there's an empathy deficit when a MM tells Shackers that he no longer loves his wife, yearns for the OW and stays married solely for the kids. While these feelings are deep and genuine the unhappy husband is derided as an opportunistic "cakeman"--without a shred of integrity, human decency or morals. Life, however, is more complicated than the Dr. Phil nostrums posted on relationship advice message boards. (Saying that, most posts in this Thread have been restrained, helpful and balanced. Could that be because the posters are men, not the scarlet lettered OW?)

 

My advice: If the marriage is truly over, get out and rebuild your emotional and social lives. Affairs are easy: You stay married,with the attendant legitimacy, you remain a good dad to your kids and have your emotional and sexual needs catered to by the OW. The family remains "intact" (so to speak) and you're getting laid.

 

Over time, however, you're simply postponing the inevitable. At some point the Affair will end (they almost always do), your kids will leave the nest and it will be you and your wife and the Affair (or memory of the Affair)sitting like an 800lb gorilla in the middle of your husk of a marriage.

 

If you truly, deeply believe that your marriage cannot be made emotionally tolerable, move out. It's harder to leave your family than stay, be miserable, and f#ck another woman.

 

Separation and divorce are last resorts. The costs are many. Still, when there's no heat left in a marriage, and the chill becomes too much for you to endure, exit. Better the turmoil of departure than the betrayal of staying.

I don't have a problem w/ the OW and MM loving each other and wanting to be together! I DO have a huge problem with flaunting it around. One poster was correct...This is an "open" forum, meaning anyone can post...I know and have read the guidelines...I suppose I should have been more honest and just admitted how much it hurt to know that there is a W out there who is being talked about, laughed at, rediculed and lied about...I was one of them, and of this part bothered me the most. Yeah, I was really hurt by the thought of my H being with OW, but I was told in a D day letter from the OW, that she felt to be a part of my family. She, and others, knew every detail about my life and our children's lives. Now THAT Is a betrayal!!! The rules of this forum state that anyone can post, yes, I should have spoken my mind and just came right and said that I have a real moral problem with it, and I feel sorry for the W...I hate conflict and I hate people to be mad at me, even on a public forum...Plus, I try REALLY hard to see everyone's point of view...This helps me to stay alittle bit more humble...It is soooo sad to read you Frannie and her MM's story to me b/c I know what it's like to have everyone know but you...Also, it's so cruel not to give her the choice. Does she not deserve to be given choices???

[frannie]

I don't have a problem w/ the OW and MM loving each other and wanting to be together! I DO have a huge problem with flaunting it around. One poster was correct...This is an "open" forum, meaning anyone can post...I know and have read the guidelines...I suppose I should have been more honest and just admitted how much it hurt to know that there is a W out there who is being talked about, laughed at, rediculed and lied about...I was one of them, and of this part bothered me the most. Yeah, I was really hurt by the thought of my H being with OW, but I was told in a D day letter from the OW, that she felt to be a part of my family. She, and others, knew every detail about my life and our children's lives. Now THAT Is a betrayal!!! The rules of this forum state that anyone can post, yes, I should have spoken my mind and just came right and said that I have a real moral problem with it, and I feel sorry for the W...I hate conflict and I hate people to be mad at me, even on a public forum...Plus, I try REALLY hard to see everyone's point of view...This helps me to stay alittle bit more humble...It is soooo sad to read you Frannie and her MM's story to me b/c I know what it's like to have everyone know but you...Also, it's so cruel not to give her the choice. Does she not deserve to be given choices???

 

OOD, no one in MM's life knows about this. We live in separate cities, we live separate existences. The only people who know about it are a few of my friends, and one of his, who he told over a year ago and it's never been mentioned since.

 

No one, especially not me, is laughing about his W. No one is ridiculing her. In fact, thinking of her is one HUGE impetus to me to end this affair. I cannot go on thinking about what we're doing, and the potential fallout for all concerned. So please... stop thinking this way. NO ONE is laughing. Because none of this is in the least bit amusing.

 

And yes, she does deserve choices.

 

Not to defend lying or hiding things at all. But if we end things, he's not going to go back to his wife in any sense as a fully loving husband. Nothing much will change at home. He'll probably be a little more reserved and unhappy than before, that is all. She has to deal with the man she is married to. OW or no OW she does have a choice. Does she want to be in this marriage or not..? Already, she can choose that. And I suppose what she is doing now is choosing to be married. In six months, when he has no OW, she will be making the same choice.

 

So tell me, what different choice does she have now than she will then? She's in a loveless marriage. She's staying in it, for whatever reasons. I just don't know what they are. Whether he's cheating or not... it's the same marriage. And not all BSs who find out about infidelity end the marriage.

 

I'm rambling all over this thread now, which I really shouldn't be.

 

But the thing is, OOD. As I wrote above. The decision has been made: End the marriage or End the affair.

[outofdarkness]

OOD, no one in MM's life knows about this. We live in separate cities, we live separate existences. The only people who know about it are a few of my friends, and one of his, who he told over a year ago and it's never been mentioned since.

 

No one, especially not me, is laughing about his W. No one is ridiculing her. In fact, thinking of her is one HUGE impetus to me to end this affair. I cannot go on thinking about what we're doing, and the potential fallout for all concerned. So please... stop thinking this way. NO ONE is laughing. Because none of this is in the least bit amusing.

 

And yes, she does deserve choices.

 

Not to defend lying or hiding things at all. But if we end things, he's not going to go back to his wife in any sense as a fully loving husband. Nothing much will change at home. He'll probably be a little more reserved and unhappy than before, that is all. She has to deal with the man she is married to. OW or no OW she does have a choice. Does she want to be in this marriage or not..? Already, she can choose that. And I suppose what she is doing now is choosing to be married. In six months, when he has no OW, she will be making the same choice.

 

So tell me, what different choice does she have now than she will then? She's in a loveless marriage. She's staying in it, for whatever reasons. I just don't know what they are. Whether he's cheating or not... it's the same marriage. And not all BSs who find out about infidelity end the marriage.

 

I'm rambling all over this thread now, which I really shouldn't be.

 

But the thing is, OOD. As I wrote above. The decision has been made: End the marriage or End the affair.

I am a BS who chose to stay in the M after D day because I have a deep love for him and I knew he did for me. As far as the laughing, ridulculing, etc...I know I tend to be a bit snippy and paranoid about these things, as I know some of my H's OW's DID do this...so I guess it just brings back some pain for me that I thought I'd worked through. Sorry to be so quick to judge you all based on my prior experiences..As far as the marriage being loveless. This is sometime the case, I know, but yet again, my feelings regarding my own situation seep in...I had no idea, at least on a conscience level, that my H was cheating. There was no sex for over 2 years, but our son was sick and also, he was on medication and kept telling me that it was because of this. He even got med to "aid" in this if you know what I mean, due to my encouragement, now I know he was really having a good time with it. My point is that sometimes the W thinks everything is ok...Maybe he gives excuse after excuse and tells her lies, but in her own way, whether it's denial or not, she perceives the M to be ok...or certainly not beyond repair. There is also a certain amount of trust in M's, mine was 100 percent. You don't ever think in a million years that your H will cheat, no matter how bad the M is. Why doesn't she come forward to ask him for a D b/c the M is bad...mabey she doesn't think it is bad...It's so hard to tell b/c there is so much deception that goes on...

[frannie]

OOD, I'm really sorry for what you went through, and what you're going through. Truly I am. You sound like a great person, and no one deserves to be where you are.

[Impudent Oyster]

We talked this morning, and came to a conclusion that we have either to end this affair, OR for him to work on ending his marriage.

 

How is either or a conclusion? What's the decision?

 

Norajane, WHO ARE YOU? In all the message boards I've ever come across on the WWW, I've yet to see someone as insightful, wise and with just plain loaded with the common sense that you have.

 

People would pay good money for your wisdom.

[frannie]

How is either or a conclusion? What's the decision?

 

The decision is that we can no longer, and will not, continue the affair.

 

Whether we part forever, or he begins separation from his W, is something we are now discussing. A separate decision that we're working on now.

[norajane]

And yes, she does deserve choices.

 

So tell me, what different choice does she have now than she will then? She's in a loveless marriage. She's staying in it, for whatever reasons. I just don't know what they are. Whether he's cheating or not... it's the same marriage. And not all BSs who find out about infidelity end the marriage.

 

I think there is a difference in being in a loveless marriage and being in a loveless marriage when your spouse is cheating. To her, it may be just a loveless marriage that she's willing to deal with for whatever reason. Add an affair and betrayal and another woman whom her husband loves, and I think it does change the big picture for the wife. The former might be bearable. The latter might be unbearable. Not knowing the big picture puts her in a position where her choice is limited by ignorance.

 

Flip it around. If you believe it would make no difference to his wife that he's having an affair, why not tell her then? Why keep it a secret?

[Impudent Oyster]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but how is his decision of whether to separate from his wife any of your business, or even a point of discussion for you?

 

Shouldn't that be up to him and his WIFE, who it seems, is completely in the dark regarding decisions being made about her future?

 

That's messed up.

[norajane]

Norajane, WHO ARE YOU? In all the message boards I've ever come across on the WWW, I've yet to see someone as insightful, wise and with just plain loaded with the common sense that you have.

 

People would pay good money for your wisdom.

 

Thank you for the kind words, but I'm just another messed up human with problems of my own that I can't see my way through.

[Impudent Oyster]

Thank you for the kind words, but I'm just another messed up human with problems of my own that I can't see my way through.

 

Sshhhhh, don't say that, you could really fool everyone.

[norajane]

Sshhhhh, don't say that, you could really fool everyone.

 

Everyone except myself...

[frannie]

I think there is a difference in being in a loveless marriage and being in a loveless marriage when your spouse is cheating. To her, it may be just a loveless marriage that she's willing to deal with for whatever reason. Add an affair and betrayal and another woman whom her husband loves, and I think it does change the big picture for the wife. The former might be bearable. The latter might be unbearable. Not knowing the big picture puts her in a position where her choice is limited by ignorance.

 

Flip it around. If you believe it would make no difference to his wife that he's having an affair, why not tell her then? Why keep it a secret?

 

Well she'll soon be in a loveless marriage where I have no part in the cheating. So as I was saying... it's back to her. Or to him if he decides to cheat again of course. I can't police someone else's marriage.

 

If I tell her, what does she gain..? Are you really suggesting an OW tells the W what is going on..? Not heard that very often, though I've heard it a few times. For what reason..?